Title: Clarity
Rating: M
Pairing: Shizuo x Izaya
Warnings: Male x Male Relationships, Smut, Established Relationships
Description: Even after 5 years, Izaya struggles to put his break up with Shizuo behind him. His already damaged life starts to get even more complicated when Shizuo comes back and past emotions begin to submerge once again. Shizaya. AU.
"Leaving?" My crimson eyes are the widest they have ever been in my entire life as I stared at the man sitting next to me in disbelief. The setting sun casts an orange glow on the colorful playground that we are currently sitting on. The man, boyfriend, my lover, is sitting next to me with his head held down as he nods. There is an extremely sharp pain in my heart and the world around me seems to stop. My mouth runs dry and I feel as if I am about to choke. This couldn't be real. "W-when?" I manage to ask with a shakey, unsure voice.
"Tomorrow." He says before lifting his head and looking at me with those warm honey eyes of his. "Kasuka is going to live in America for a while..so I thought that, you know, I should go with…" My mind doesn't process what is said as it's still trying to interrupt the word leaving. My whole body begins to shake as my heart starts to beat at a faster pace than normal.
"Izaya…" At some point, my boyfriend's hand cupped my face. His thumb began to rub at my jaw in attempt to soothe me but it's not working.
"S-Shizu-chan…please…" The blonde man in front of me scoots closer and pulls me into a warm embrace.
"Izaya, this doesn't mean we are breaking up…I will text you every day and call you every night. I just…need some time to find myself." Shizuo pulls away and looks into my red eyes with a soft expression.
"I love you Izaya, I won't ever leave me. It will only be a few weeks."
I shoot up from an abrupt awakening. My heart is pounding and my body is filled with the overwhelming feeling of pain. It takes me a moment to calm down and realize that it was only a dream; a dream that was a former grim reality that casted a dark shadow of depression on my life. It's been 5 years since Shizu-chan left, and his presence still remains to constantly hurt me.
"What is it Izaya?" I look over quickly and see my boyfriend sitting up in bed next to me. His look isn't filled with concern or worry, but I know he is. That's just how he is. Contrary to popular belief, Shiki is actually a very caring man. He just lacks the ability to show it as well as the average person.
"Ah…It's nothing Shiki. Go back to sleep." The older man continues to look at man, not believing my obvious lie, however, he knows not to push me. Instead he lays down and wraps his arms around me. I push him off and get out of bed. Quickly, I make my way to the bathroom. I will most likely feel bad about that later, but for now I my head needs clearing from the poisonous memories of my past.
My hands clench the white tile hard as my head hangs down and I try and maintain a normal breathing rhythm. Why does his image still haunt me? His memory wraps its claws around my entire being and refuses to let go.
Countless illegal drugs, alcohol binges, self-harming cuts, meaningless one night stands, therapy sessions and suicide attempts aren't enough to get him out of my mind. Not matter how hard I try and shake it, he remains to possess me. I feel like a prisoner within my own body and I have been sentenced to life. It's not only me that it hurts too. My friends are just waiting for the moment that I go off the deep end for what seems like the millionth time. Shiki's feelings are constantly hurt with my stubbornness to fully accept his feelings for me. He is one of the best men I have ever known, however, I cannot love him.
No, I can never love anyone.
My entire being is now incapable of that emotion. I cannot feel love anymore. My brain has put up its walls and they are impenetrable. It's sad, yes, but that is what my life has become.
After my breathing finally goes back down to a normal rhythm, I drag myself back to bed. I must have been in there much longer than I thought because Shiki is already asleep when my body slips back into the silky covers. I want to sleep, but I just lay there for hours. Exhaustion pulls at my eyes, but I am afraid to fall back into the dream reality of my past. I'm afraid to see his face again. Even if it is just a dream, and not the real thing, it will still affect me for days. I turn over and bring my knees up to my chest. My weak arms wrap around them to pull them closer.
Before I know it, it's morning. Glancing over at the older man sleeping next to me, I see that he is still sound in his dream land. Carefully, I slid myself out of the expensive bed. I quickly find my black pants and black V-neck shirt that have been carelessly tossed in the room from the evenings escapades. As quiet as a mouse, I dress myself and make my way towards the door. My black, furred coat is pulled off of its hook and quickly gracing my thin figure. I quickly make myself towards the door of the upscale apartment and let myself out.
Due to it being no later than 5:30 in the morning, the normally busy streets of Shinjuku are nearly vacant. The chilly morning air blows against my face while my nostrils are filled with the familiar scent of morning dew. Somehow, those things are very soothing to me. I take my time dragging my feet to my loft that morning, taking in all the signs of life around me. I need to remind myself that there is a bright side and someday, I will forget about the first and only man I have ever truly loved. A smile graces my face but is quickly swept away when my crimson orbs lay on the sight before me.
My blood runs cold as an all too familiar man with blonde hair is getting out of cab and stepping onto the streets of Shinjuku again after 5 years…
I..have had this story stuck in my head for months now. I know this chapter is short, but I am trying to get the idea out there. This is an eventual Shizaya fic with already established relationships. There will be a lot of hurt/comfort in it. I hope you enjoy!
Review and let me know if I should continue!