Hello there. I own nothing, enjoy.

"Do you think he knows?" Sirius asked, busying himself with the tiny white buttons of Lily's school blouse.

"Who?" She asked, pulling him in closer to her and pulling off his belt. Lily kissed his neck, and then undid his fly.

"James," Sirius responded, his voice low. He pulled away from her for a moment, his gray eyes filled with guilt.

"Who cares?" Lily breathed, pressing her lips to his ear. She felt him shiver beneath her touch, and then said, "It isn't as if I'm cheating on him." The dark haired boy looked ready to protest, but Lily silenced him with a kiss. "I'm turning him down for a reason you know." Her voice was barely above a whisper, and she looked up at Sirius with would-be innocent eyes.

Well, that was all he needed to hear, at least, for tonight. Sighing, Sirius felt Lily's hot mouth wander down his neck as he reached under her skirt. She shivered as he expertly pulled her lace panties down her legs. Tossing the garment over his shoulder, Sirius stroked Lily swiftly. Kissing her inviting mouth, he pushed himself inside of her.

"Where have you been?" Remus asked as Sirius sauntered into the Common Room. His nose suddenly wrinkled in disgust as it revealed exactly where he had been. "Never mind," he sighed, shaking his head as he turned a page in the book that lay open on his lap.

"Oh hush, mother hen," Sirius said, grinning. "Let me have my fun." He flopped himself into an armchair near Remus, his long limbs spilling elegantly over the arms of the chair. He sighed contentedly, then closed his eyes.

"Oh, I never said to stop," Remus said, chuckling, "I just wish that you would shower after you were done." Still smirking, the werewolf closed the book. "So, who's the lucky one this time?" Generally, Remus didn't specify gender when it came to Sirius's "conquests." Sirius had been known to jump into bed with anyone who was willing… literally, anyone.

"Not telling?" Sirius said, opening one eye to look over at Remus. He hoped that his voice came across as playful, but really he felt worried. Usually, the playful banter of the "Who are you sleeping with now?" game made him laugh. Now, it filled him with guilt and worry. Sirius frowned. The image of James floated into his brain, a crushed expression plastered on it when he found out that Sirius had been sleeping with Lily. Sirius tried to smile at Remus, but the game was over. It lost a lot of luster when you were fucking your best friend's crush.

Transfiguration was not keeping Sirius very occupied, this was to be expected. Unfortunately, usually the downtime gave Sirius a moment to relax. However, this day made the downtime tense. James was chattering away about Quidditch or something else that Sirius was not finding to be particularly entertaining. All he could picture was the look of shock and hurt that would be slapped across James's bespectacled face if he ever found out about what Sirius had been doing.

"Oh, God, do that again," Lily begged, her voice breathy. Her chest was heaving, and Sirius repeated his quick flick of the tongue on her clitoris. She gasped, and he moved up to kiss her mouth. "I want you," She whispered in between kisses. Sirius complied to her unspoken requested, shoving himself into her, acting quickly before his mind could formulate another ounce of guilt. All he wanted was Lily, and, James be damned, tonight he was going to have her.

Guilt, as Sirius was beginning to discover was like a thick wet towel. One that draped over you, suffocating you slowly, but it isn't altogether unpleasant at first.

At first, however, was no longer a completely applicable term for Sirius's guilt. A month had passed. A full month of randomly meeting Lily is strange places, if only to have a few minutes of bliss. And that's what those moments were to Sirius, pure bliss. Because, roughly ten seconds after pulling out of her, the guilt, the towel, covered him again. And, now, he was beginning to feel the strain on his lungs.

Or, rather, to further this metaphor, his heart. The heart that was loyal to James, his friend, his brother. The heart that, as Sirius was beginning to discover, may actually belong to the fiery haired vixen he was a slave to.

Oh, this would not end well for him, he could feel it.

Lily approached the Marauders at lunch on a Wednesday. She directed her spoken words to Remus and James, who had sat themselves on the opposite side of the table from Sirius. So, Lily was leaning directly over him to pass on her meaningless message about a Prefect meeting. And, in her leaning, she slipped a note discreetly into Sirius's bag, to be found later.

Meet me at 7:00, third floor corridor. Don't be late. –L

Sirius had felt the way his heart had both leapt and sank at the same time when he finished reading her neat script. This woman might very well be the end of him. He couldn't wait to see her again, to hear that musical voice scream out his name.

Yet, he dreaded it. He would have to come up with an excuse, and those were becoming harder and harder to invent. He would have to sneak away, and that was always hard with Wormtail clinging to him more than usual. He would have to let her go back to her life, and he would have to return to his own only moments after the sex had ended. And that would hurt, just like always. And then he would see James, and his heart would ache as the reminder of his betrayal would reemerge.

And yet, Sirius was an addict. He needed Lily more than he needed air. So, he knew, despite the hurt and the guilt and the loathing he would have for himself, he would go to her at 7:00 on the third floor. He knew that he would do exactly as she commanded, as he was her oh-so willing puppet. And he knew, as he had always known, that this was nothing more than sex to her.

And he knew that it was everything more than sex to him.

"Sirius?" Lily asked, pulling her sweater over her quickly buttoned shirt. She pulled the hair that got caught in the collar out, and tossed it over her shoulder.

Sirius looked up from buttoning his pants, a confused look upon his face. Lily rarely spoke to him after sex. It was generally quick, and then she would disappear leaving him alone to wallow. Tonight, however, Lily had decided to interrupt the routine he had grown accustomed to. So, clearing his throat, the boy responded, "Yes?"

"Are you ok?" Lily questioned, her voice that of a concerned friend. "You've been looking a little distracted lately. Is everything ok?"

Sirius blinked. Was everything okay? No, not even close. Everything was basically a wreck at the moment. His thought jumped and littered with guilt. His conscience becoming a nagging voice in the back of his mind every moment of every single day. Nothing was okay, not since Lily Evans had waltzed into his life, demanding unattached sex that he could only attempt to give her. But it could never be unattached, because his heart was in it completely. He wanted to make her happy, even if she wanted no part of him as a human being. Just as long as she was happy. "Yeah," He said, not daring enough to use the name that hesitated on the tip of his tongue, the name of the girl he was falling for, the name of the girl who James had "claimed" years and years ago. "Just haven't been sleeping very well." He shrugged, leaving out the minor detail about how this torrid affair was what was preventing his mind from relaxing.

"Oh, alright then," Lily said. She smiled at him, and then left. Left Sirius alone with his thoughts, yet again. Just like always.

"Wow, Padfoot," Remus said as Sirius stumbled into the Common Room later that night. "Whoever this one is, they are certainly keeping you in a state of constant motion." He shook his head, smiling a little as Sirius sunk into a chair, obviously exhausted. "Why not put in a request for a night off? You look like… well, you are beginning to look like me."

Sirius attempted to smile. "Moony, has it ever occurred to you that I am actually a rabid fanboy and that my goal in life is to look exactly like you?"

Remus grinned, pretending to give Sirius a very thorough once over. "Well, let's see… you've got the massive dark circles under your eyes… you are approximately the color of Nearly-Headless Nick… you look like you have probably been skipping a few meals daily… hmm, pretty close. But, well, the hair needs work really. I mean, honestly, if you want to look like me you'll have to make to much duller. Try falling asleep in the shower, you tend to forget if you washed it and it gets rid of shine in an instant."

"Thanks Moony," Sirius said, yawning widely, "I'll get right on that."

"Padfoot?" called a voice somewhere near Sirius's face. "Padfoot, seriously, this isn't funny!"

"What?" Sirius said, as the face of Peter Pettigrew floated into his line of vision. He gathered his surrounding rather quickly. He was on the floor in the dungeon. Peter hovered above him, as did James and Remus. Still sitting in his chair, Sirius could see Severus Snape, his face twisted in a sneer. A flash of red alerted him of Lily's presence. "What happened?" He asked, his voice coming out muddled and slurring.

"You just keeled over, Pads," James said, his voice sounding rather shaken. "You turned around to start chopping up the Gurdyroot, and then you were on the floor."

Sirius stomach turned when he heard the concern in his best friend's voice. He didn't deserve it. He felt relief as a redness began to creep into the edge of his vision. Sweet relief flooded him as he left consciousness again.

"Exhaustion," Lily whispered, leaning over Sirius as he lay in a bed in the Hospital Wing. "That's what Pomfrey says caused it." Her voice was concerned, yet disapproving. Her voice was not that of a lover. A friend perhaps, or even a sister or cousin, but not of a lover. Never the voice of a lover. "She said that by the looks of things you haven't slept in almost two weeks." She frowned at him, "What's been keeping you up at night, Sirius?"

The words flew to Sirius's mouth. You, His mind whispered. You keep me up. I think about you as I lay awake, waiting for the world to collapse around me. It's you that I think of as James continues on in life, blissfully unaware that the girl he is in love with his sleeping with me. It's you that I see in my mind as I lay in bed. It's you that sneaks into my thoughts of guilt, because it's you that has made me this way. It's you that I think about, you that makes me feel the need to betray my very best friend. It's you. You, and only you. I can't get you out of my head. You're like a drug, an addiction. I can't go a minute without you on my mind. You, and guilt. The guilt that I'm giving myself because of you. That's is what is keeping me up at night. You're what's keeping me awake.

But these words did not leave his lips.

"It's nothing," He said, forcing back the words that threatened to flow freely from his open lips, "Just a little stressed." She left after a moment, leaving Sirius to stare blankly at the ceiling, aware that soon he would be able to return to sleep due to a potion that the nurse had forced into his mouth moments ago.

"It's nothing," He heard his own voice echo. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing

That nothing just so happened to be his everything. My God, he thought to himself, I'm nothing anymore.