A Christmas fic
Angsty...sorry
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As a child growing up, you remember that Christmas was the best time of year. You and your other family members gather around the Christmas tree while your father grabs presents, giving them to each of you. You remember that your daddy would pretend what wasn't in the presents, when he knew all along. You remember when you got your Christmas present that year at the age of eleven. They were Nancy Drew books...the original ones. You remember being so excited.
After that, you started thinking about what you wanted for Christmas again, writing up your list in August after your birthday when you're finally getting more ideas after you turn twelve. You wish for things that you know that your parents can't buy you...because after all...poverty sucks.
And you remember that you still got those presents at the age of twelve. A new purse, some lip gloss and a new writing set for your stories. You couldn't be any happier.
But as you got older, the materialistic didn't matter anymore. You stopped thinking about what you wanted for Christmas but instead, what everyone else wanted. You grew up to become a selfless teenager, putting others before yourself. You would help out at the old folks home, brightening up their day with just a single visit. You would help out a struggling mother and her three children at the grocery store. You would do the chores at home without asking, knowing your other siblings are too damn lazy to do them.
And you remember just forgetting to take care of yourself, because you care for others first. You keep the spirit of Christmas in your heart every single day for the rest of your life. You remember only once having to be taken care of...when you got your wisdom teeth taken out.
You remember when you turned eighteen and graduating high school, finally getting away from the other selfish teenagers there and heading out into the real world. But it's hard...so hard to please people.
Christmas comes around again and you could care less what you get for a present this year. Your parents end up getting you a pair of nice earrings and a few other girly things. Meh...they'll do.
You finally stop caring about putting people before you. For once, you want people to do things for you. You hate sucking up to people...pleasing them. You just want someone to take notice of you and take care of you. But how can that happen...when people know that you're the one with the compassion in your heart?
And after you turn nineteen, your world turns upside down. You have a younger brother...sixteen years old. He has obsessed over a girl since he was fourteen, but it didn't bother you at first since you were the girls friend first. But now...he steals her away whenever he can away from you. He has turned into a monster, a demon. You worry for him every night, wondering when he's coming home. Sometimes midnight...sometimes earlier. But you can't stop worrying about it, wondering if he's doing things he shouldn't be doing.
And he breaks your heart...hating you and the rest of the family. He tells his dad that he isn't following in his footsteps...he's a man now. Not a man...but not a child, you say in your mind. But you don't dare say anything bad to him. You need to care for him. But he hurts you, never defending your honor. He doesn't care if his co-workers send you dirty texts. You cry, knowing that you have lost your brother.
His seventeenth birthday rolls around, but he's not there anymore. He's left home, living with his stupid girlfriend that he obsesses over. You hate him now...you hate him with every fibre of your being. You have no compassion left for him (because darling, you can only have so much).
And suddenly, you find yourself lost in a world of rage and bluntness. You suddenly stop caring for people, finally telling them how you really feel about them. Some people you still love...others...not so much anymore. And suddenly, you have had enough with life. You want it end. You don't know how much more your family can suffer...having lost three other children to the evils of the world.
Your nineteen years old and Christmas is two days away. You sit at your computer, wondering if you should Facebook your brother. You finally work up the courage to wish him a belated birthday and a Merry Christmas.
He never replies back.
Turns out, he gets accepted to a University far away.
Maybe then, he'll dump his stupid girlfriend
Why do you not care about your brother anymore?
Because darling, you can only have so much compassion in you.
You know that Christmas is the time of giving and being selfless.
And you just don't care anymore.
You don't care.
Because really, when you have three sisters who hate your family and a brother who never cared about anyone but himself...
You lose hope.
And now it's Christmas morning and you sit around with your mom and dad and your youngest brother and your sister six years your senior. Your family has gotten so small...so fragile.
You remember some nights hearing your parents crying together, mourning the lives that their children have chosen. You can't help but want to help them...make the hurt go away. But darling...we all know that no family is perfect.
So just like a little child with the fantasy that Santa still exists...you write him a letter after Christmas.
Asking him to bring your family together once more.
Because that's what Christmas is about...having family together.
It was really hard to write this...I actually could barely see the screen through my tears.
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Sorry that this wasn't released on Christmas Day