Just a Childhood Hating Parody

Presents...

A Rankin Bass Christmas Special

Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer Part 1

In a Cave located in the winter wonder land called the North Pole, please no Global Warming jokes, a brand new baby reindeer named Rudolph was just born a little while ago and his parents have discovered his glowing red nose.

"Holy sh*t! What's wrong with his nose?!"

"I don't know! But quick, take cover! It must be radioactive!"

Now you may know how the other reindeer made fun of Rudolph's glowing nose, but do you recalllllllll, that this isn't a normal response. OOOOOOH that noise is the color red, it freakin light up …. Uhhh ….. people will shriek in fear because … screw it!

Rudolph looked upon the faces of his worried parents. "Mumu, papa!"

Donner took a few steps toward his possibly unstable son. "This … this defiantly didn't come from my side…."

"Oh, coming from the man whom father works in a nuclear plant before you were born." said Mrs. Donner.

"N-Now you can't say that to me!" shouted Donner. So Donner hit ….. no no sorry. Looks like Mrs. Donner is the abusive one.

As Rudolph was oblivious to what was going on, Santa Claus came into the cave and …. Not in his red coat. "Ho ho ho! I come for charity, the charity of 'Paying Me for Protection' You know, so nothing happens to your fam….." Seeing that Mrs. Donner already beat him to it, he tried reaching for some valuables, but found the freak of nature that should be studied, not made fun of. "I knew my wife put something in that cookie."

Mrs. Donner noticed Santa and stopped beating her spouse. "Oh, we … we'll have the money tomorrow!"

Santa was not pleased, but not about the money. "What the Hell is this?! I gave you a $35 cave with bat ammonia in this peaceful Brown-coat only neighborhood and this is how you repay me? A red rose unworthy reindeer. Do you have any idea how close it is to Reindeer Season in the North Pole?"

Donner got up and pled to Santa. "Please, Santa! I … I promise this will go away!"

Santa Claus laughed like how he always did. "Ho ho ho! You better, or else he cannot fly my sleigh when I go out on Christmas. I'm trying to break my molesting charges record. Oh that's right, what charges. Ho ho ho!" Santa started dancing and singing. "Jingle Jingle Jangle, if you pay attention. Jingle Jingle Jangle, I'm a dick in the real version! Jinlge Jingle Jangle, I am old Saint Kringle, I'm the King of all your asses! Ho ho!"

"Bye, bye."

Donner and his wife looked at their poor baby. "Well, I guess we can just cover it with ….this dirt I was somehow able to pick up."

Outside, Santa Claus was talking on his cellphone. "I don't care if this movie came out in 1964! We're having cellphones and you will be getting a lump of coal if you don't have my money when I get there! See you later, mom." Santa hung up and laughed. "I just love my world! No one will take this away from me!"

Elsewhere in the Northpole, in a dark mountain, an ancient evil awoken, well a saint compared to Santa. The evil was a powerful wizard with large, white hair and a long beard. "I, Winterbolt, have finally awaken!" He walked over to a magic mirror. "Now I shall rule this ice world once more and ….. what is this?" Winterbolt looked closely at all the reindeer in fear of their self-proclaim King. "A tyrant? Well this man cannot be a threat to m….. what?" Winterbolt saw Santa burning baby reindeer and naughty (poor) children. "What the Hell?! He's …. He's burning children alive! I only just push them in the dirt or turn them to stone. I know I'm one of the few darkest Holiday villains, but this …. This is too much even for an R-rated film!" Winterbolt spread his arms out. "I cannot allow this man to spread this evil! But how?"

Then Winterbolt heard a voice. "I know of a way Master." On a wall, a talking ice face called the Genie of the Ice Scepter gave wisdom to Winterbolt. "On Christmas Eve, this man travels around the world to deliver toys to children who are rich, and punish the poor. If he cannot accomplish this, the rich children will invade the North Pole and assassinate Santa."

"The children!?"

The Genie sighed. "You should plan for world domination, the remaining good people will rather you."

Winterbolt held his Ice Septer in the air. "I know what I will do. I will cast a storm in the Northpole that will prevent his yearly travel, then I will travel the world and deliver toys to the poor! …. I … I can't believe I just said that. Santa really must pay before I start a habit of petting rabbits."

A year gone by and Rudolph is now older by Reindeer years, I think. Donner dropped Rudolph off at the reindeer games where the kids will compete to see who will fly Santa's sleigh one day, even though the old guy used Dasher, Donner, Comet, and the others for eternity.

A coach reindeer Comet blew his whistle. "Alright, listen up! Give me one hundred pushups! If any of you complain that its torture, then you have never heard of Santa Claussssssssssssss." Comet caught eyes with Santa spying from behind a tree. "Santa'ssssss evil twin."

With the kids, Rudolph had met a friend named Fireball. A red headed reindeer that gave Rudolph the only logical reaction to Rudolph's nose. Not only that, but Rudolph already has an eye for a dove named Clarice.

"You should go talk to her." said Fireball. "It won't be our turn for a while."

Rudolph gulped and walked over to Clarice. "My name's Rudolph, hi."

The two talked for a bit until Comet interrupted. "My teacher instinct tells me it's your turn."

Right after asking Clarice if he can walk her home and was told by her that he's cute, Rudolph leaped into the air with ease.

Donner and Mrs. Donner watched their son preforming better than the other children as Santa walked up next to him. "Good, the kid's nose is not red. All according to my Holly Jolly World."

When Rudolph told Fireball that Clarice wanted to hang out, they played wrestle with each other, which sealed Rudolph's popularly. His red nose was exposed. "What, your nose! Get away from me!"

Comet heard the noise. "What's with all the como-yeah ah!"

The children all gathered together and saw the glow. "Ha ha, you have a red nose!" the children all laughed at Rudolph, but not Fireball and Comet.

"Why are you all laughing?! His nose is glowing red! You don't just laugh at this!" said Fireball. Seriously, if you were a kid and saw someone's nose glowing red, will you laugh or hide in fear of the reason of this.

Santa Claus was not happy at all. "Donner, you should be ashamed of yourself. This A-ranking reindeer is Je-I mean has a red noes. ... if the author allowed racist jokes, we'll be standing here all day." In the original, he was seriously not pleased that the advance student has a red glowing nose. He is a real dick. "I expect his funeral by next week due to that stool incident."

Rudolph shamefully walked away into a pine forest. Clarice followed him in. "Rudolph! Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you! Tomor-"

"Wrong song."

"Oh, sorry."

All seemed wonderful for Rudolph, but then Clarice's father came. "My father instincts said to bring you home away from this male."

Rudolph fell into a deep depression during the holiday, no surprise … uhhhhhhhhhh.

He sat down near a pile of snow, but then an elf popped out. "Oh, is this your snow bank?"

Rudolph eye slowly moved toward the elf named Hermey. "Yeah, people want damn snow banks. Because our banks are already swell. Look at our damn bank accounts! I'm living in a terrific cave owned by the devil himself, Santa Claus of all people!"

Hermey was shocked by the young reindeer's words. "I … I … rough day?"

Rudolph told Hermey about how everyone made fun of his red nose. "Red nose? Why were they laughing and not taking cover in case it explodes?"

"I don't know…" Rudolph slouched down. "I'm just a misfit … oh my god I just realize it's miss and fit put together." Rudolph became curious about Hermey. "So why were you in that snow bank?"

Hermey hesitated for a moment. "Me … wellllllll."

Hermey was making toys with the elves, but unlike the others, he was focusing on a doll's teeth. The Elf Foreman noticed Hermey's actions. "Hermey, what's with your slaking …. Oh my god I just realize the pun of the Pokemon Slaking. Anyway, what are you doing?!"

Hermey nervously told the Foreman how he really prefer to be something else. "I will someday like to be, a dentist. I don't like making toys."

All the elves gasped. "Hermey doesn't like t to make toys." An elf whispered to another.

"Yeah, we all heard it. Dumbass."

"WHAAAAAT!?" shouted the Foreman.

The speakers on the walls turned on and Santa's voice can be heard. "Ho ho ho! I hope I didn't just hear an elf saying he does like to make toys."

The Elf Foreman laughed in hopes Santa doesn't catch on. "Oh No. Hermey just need a good whacking!" The Foreman took out a CPR practice dummy from under a table and whacked it with a bat. He gave Hermey a letter and the shy elf read it.

DON'T YOU DARE READ THIS OUT LOUD

Get out, get out now and find help! Bring a Living Snowman, Jackfrost, The Baby New Year, Heat Miser and Snow Miser, a time machine to bring back a Drummer Boy and a Long-eared Donkey, a Leprechaun, a Bible (NOT the south addition), an apology card to the south, a brochure for everyone around the world to know what the south of the U.S.A. is like, another apology card to the south, and a Red-nose Reindeer ... and a attorney in case anyone from the south tries to sue ... and a list of stereotypes from around the world to ignore so we can inform everyone ... sorry south.

Find these things and meet me in the Abominable Snowman's cave. Don't worry, he turns good at the end of the film.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MEMORIZE THIS LIST AND BURN THIS NOTE STRAIGHT TO PURGATORY. NOT HELL. HE WILL FIND IT THERE!

The Foreman pushed Hermey out of the window as the other elves lit the fireplace. "Now we're burning that boring elf now. Hear the fire and screams? One elf played a tape recorder of an elf crying in pain.

As the Foreman walked back, Hermey popped out of the window and whispered to him. "The author can't write a long, single story like this. He has college, and his Christmas feeling will ware off after New Years."

The Foreman grabbed Hermey by the cheeks and whispered. "Just find some god damn help!" and pushed him away.

"I-I'm in charge of finding help to free this world from Santa Claus and I think you can help. Want to come along to find more help. We are both misfits."

Rudolph's spirit rose. "This could make everyone love me! I won't be a misfit and Clarice will like me! I'll do it!"

So Rudolph and Hermey sang along as they journey through the north pole to find any form of help. They are humanity's only hope.

End of Chapter

"Hey what about me?" asked the Snowman narrator from the first Rudolph special.