- Timeless Thoughts
- December 1998, Arachnia47@aol.com
This story is my first solo effort. Summary: Kathryn reflects on the challenges that Voyager faces on the eve of a risky launch of an experimental quantum slipstream drive. Takes part during the episode, "Timeless."
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek and its characters, but words are free and I can put them in any order I want to.
Click for music.
Timeless Thoughts, Part 1
::We're going home:: Kathryn Janeway thought. The engineering team had informed her only that day that they had completed work on the quantum slipstream drive. It was ready to launch. Kathryn took a deep breath. This was the moment for which she had been waiting. More than four years she had waited for this moment. She read the PADD again. They still needed to complete some tests, but things looked promising.
She put the PADD down on the table and got up to look out the viewport. For as long as she could remember, looking at the stars had soothed her, had focused her thoughts. That interval when she could see no stars at all, when Voyager was passing through the void, had almost been her undoing. She had never felt so empty inside as she did during that time--almost two months--with nothing except guilt to keep her company. The Malon, dumping his toxic waste in the void, was a relief; she could finally feel alive again. A slight smile crossed her face as she remembered how Chakotay had practically instigated a mutiny to get her through her depression.
Chakotay. A fine first officer. Chakotay. Her best friend. They didn't always agree, but she cared about his opinions more than she dared admit, even to herself--or especially to herself. For once, she allowed herself the indulgence of thinking about him. How important he was to her. She closed her eyes for a moment, picturing his face, his eyes, his smile, the way he looked at her sometimes, especially the way he used to look at her, when they first combined their crews. He had such an easy-going manner; once he'd agreed to be her first officer, he never looked back. It was only a short time before his Maquis crew followed his excellent example and worked hard to follow the Starfleet ways that were at first so alien to them.
She opened her eyes again. What would happen to Chakotay and his crew once they got home? Would the former Maquis be tried and sentenced to punishment? She didn't really think so. Starfleet had more important things to think about than a few dozen former Maquis who had since performed any number of heroic acts in the name of the Federation. She hoped they would all be offered official commissions if they so desired. She wondered what Chakotay would do. Would he stay in Starfleet? While it suited him to wear the uniform now, with her at his side, she had to admit that his current choices were certainly limited. What would happen to them--to their friendship, she quickly added--when they returned to the Alpha Quadrant?
The Alpha Quadrant...home. Her mind drifted to Mark. Kathryn sighed. Mark. It still hurt sometimes to think of him. She had always told herself that he would wait for her. But he hadn't. She really didn't have any right to feel angry that he had married. After all, long before they had received the messages from home, using the array, she had thought that she couldn't possibly go back to Mark; she had changed too much. But it still hurt to know that he had moved on. Mark had been part of her life for almost as long as she could remember. But now... Her heart was in the stars, with Voyager, with her crew. With Chakotay.
That thought was uncomfortable. Time to get back to business. She began to walk restlessly back to her desk. She picked up the PADD again. Yes, the quantum slipstream drive was ready to use. They could go home. The celebration would be after the alpha shift was over; at that time she would unveil the new drive and tell the crew they were ready to take the trip home. This was the moment she had waited for.
She put down the PADD and stared into the distance. Yes, she had waited for this moment for a long time. Why didn't she feel more excited? Instead, she was almost...reluctant? Was that how she felt? She forced herself to follow that thought.
For as long as Kathryn could remember, she had known her life was meant to be spent out in space, among the stars. Starfleet was her life; she had grown up knowing that. But after more than four years out here, there were times when she thought she had the best of all possible worlds. She could embrace the Starfleet principles she had always held close, yet she was free to make the decisions she felt were right, with only herself to answer to. She would be lying to herself if she didn't admit that she found the power exhilarating. Not that she felt she had to admit it to anyone else, mind you.
She chuckled slightly at that thought, wondering if anyone else on board had even a clue how she felt. She suspected Tuvok might; he knew her well enough. Right from her first command, when she took it upon herself to disregard the regulations calling for periodic tactical drills...yes, Tuvok knew she had her own ideas about Starfleet protocol. He had since made it his job to be sure her ship and crew were always ready for anything.
Chakotay might know how she felt--he was in a similar position. He had been a Maquis captain, answering only to himself. Yes, even if he didn't exactly *know,* he would definitely understand. Funny how her thoughts kept coming to Chakotay.
She dragged her mind away from him once more; she still didn't feel that she could trust herself to think of him. Something about Chakotay had attracted her right from the start. But a captain did not get involved with her crew. Truthfully, Kathryn thought, it had never been a priority of hers to get involved with anyone.
Her mind drifted to her first boyfriend, when she was eighteen. Cheb Packer. Silver-tongued, and incredibly good-looking. And totally wrong for her. Kathryn laughed slightly, remembering. That relationship had clearly been driven by hormones. After they broke up, she had poured all of her energy into her studies at the Academy. Determined to be the best of the best, she spent every minute working hard to become the best science officer in Starfleet. She didn't have another relationship until she was an ensign on the *Icarus*.
Kathryn's breath caught. She hadn't thought of Justin Tighe in a long time--years, in fact. This memory she explored with great care, as if it were fine and fragile, like a delicate flower, the petals likely to turn to dust at the slightest touch. "Oh, Justin," she whispered, tears shining in her eyes. Carefully, she let herself remember his strength, his bravery, his startlingly blue eyes... Oh, how she had grieved when he'd died with her father in the crash. It had taken her months to function again. Unable to bear any further memories of Justin, Kathryn pulled her mind away, tucking the memories away gently. She sighed and brushed away a stray tear. For a moment she wondered what her life might have been like if they had gotten married.
Getting married. She had been engaged to Mark, too, before Voyager had been flung into the Delta Quadrant. She wondered briefly if Mark was happy. Deep down she realized that her relationship with Mark had been more about friendship than about passion. She had used Mark as a safety net for so long, though; when even that was taken from her it was so tempting to give in to her attraction to Chakotay. She was never more vulnerable to that impulse than when she got the message from Mark saying that he had married someone else. She remembered that moment, in her ready room, when she and Chakotay talked about it. She remembered, as if it were yesterday, how she sat on her couch, arms stretched out, feet up on the table, head back, wishing... wishing he would... wishing Chakotay would kiss her...wishing he would kiss her, right then, so she wouldn't feel so empty inside, so lonely. At that very moment, she had never in her life wanted anything more than she wanted him. Kathryn's breath caught in her throat as she remembered how lost she'd felt, how very much she had longed for his arms around her.
Oh, she was on dangerous ground now. "What are you thinking of, Kathryn?" she whispered to herself. She took a deep breath. No, for a moment she would be honest with herself. What she had wanted then from Chakotay was far from friendship. That was all about passion, passion that she had denied herself for four long years. She knew he felt the same way about her; at least she thought he did. When they were on New Earth, they were so close to becoming much more to each other than captain and first officer. It was devastating to her when she had to suppress those new feelings when Voyager returned for them. After that, she tried very hard not to feel anything other than the normal concern a good commander shows to her crew. Most of the time she succeeded. To feel anything else was too great a risk.
Risk was usually not something from which she ran away. Countless times she had faced danger. Her expression was troubled as she remembered the newest challenge her crew faced: the new slipstream drive. The crew had put in long hours to get the drive online. She couldn't help thinking they might be moving too quickly.
She forced that thought away. No, they had been out here too long already. More than four years of everyone's lives had been sacrificed because of her act of compassion. It was time to get home. She turned her attention back to the PADD.
*******************
continued in Part 2
*******************
Timeless Thoughts, Part 2
The crew were murmuring with excitement as they assembled in Engineering, but they quieted when their captain began to speak. "Ladies and gentlemen...please. May I introduce the next generation of interstellar propulsion -- the quantum slipstream drive." Kathryn Janeway's voice was strong as she made the long-awaited announcement to the crew. "Four years, two months, and eleven days...that's precisely how long Voyager has been in the Delta Quadrant.
"Now it's time to go home."
::Finally,:: she thought. Kathryn wanted to be excited, but four years of disappointments had taught her to keep a tight rein on her expectations. ::I sure hope I'm not making a big mistake here...it's too soon...but the bentomite crystals are decaying, and this may be our only chance.:: She took a deep breath.
"We still have a lot of work to do before tomorrow's flight," she reminded them. She looked at them proudly. ::I have one hell of a fine crew. A little celebration won't hurt, and they deserve it.:: She smiled as she left Engineering.
There was an extra spring to her step as she headed back toward the bridge. ::Hell, I'm excited, too. I might do a little celebrating myself.:: Just then, she saw Chakotay in the corridor. On a wild impulse, she said, "Got any plans for dinner?"
He smiled at her. It was that smile that made her melt a little every time she saw it. "No, just a date with a replicator."
Damn, but his voice was like velvet. "Cancel it. That's an order." Sometimes it's just a good day to be the captain, and this was one of them.
Her head was down so no one could see, but Kathryn's face positively radiated happiness. She started thinking about what she was going to make for her dinner with Chakotay. She had heard rumors that Neelix was planning to serve leola root. She felt she could afford the replicator rations this time. After all, with just a little more luck, they would be home soon, possibly by this time tomorrow. Yes, she was going to do a little celebrating of her own.
She was checking through her recipe database when her comm badge chirped. "Janeway here."
*******
::DAMN! What are Tom and Harry telling me? This isn't going to work after all? No...no...this can't be...:: She couldn't bear to face them. She leaned on the rail while Chakotay, Tuvok, Harry, and Tom discussed the dangers of the launch. She had to cancel it. Damn! Tears of disappointment and frustration stung the backs of her eyes. She had hoped her luck would hold out just a little longer. Wait...what was Harry saying? She spun around to face him.
She listened eagerly as Harry told them his idea. He would lead Voyager in a shuttlecraft and send them any corrections. Harry's idea might work...it HAS to work....
::A bit risky... *That's* an understatement...no, it will be fine...it will HAVE to be fine...I owe it to this crew to get them home...I promised I would get them home...I promised.:: She told Harry to have the data on her desk within an hour, but her decision was ninety percent made already. ::Long enough...we've waited long enough...::
*******
Back in her quarters, Kathryn stared out the viewport. Her mind reeled with all the data Harry gave her. It was possible; they could be home tomorrow. Or they could be dead. All the risks, the challenges, the lonely decisions she had faced since they'd been flung out here--somehow they all paled in comparison to this risk, to this challenge, to this decision. This one was for the whole game. All or nothing.
She let her breath out in a sigh. She hadn't realized she'd been holding it. For a moment she let herself think about what it would be like to win it all, to get home. Little Naomi Wildman would grow up knowing her father. Harry Kim would be reunited with his parents. Lieutenant Carey would be able to watch his sons grow up. Tuvok would meet his new grandchild.
And what about her? She would be reunited with her mother and her sister Phoebe. Mark had not waited for her, but she still had family to return to. And Starfleet--she would be spending weeks in debriefing. She would have to answer to some of the decisions she'd made, too. But it wouldn't be the first time she would be defending actions that were, ah, a little, ah, unorthodox, shall we say? She laughed a little. Review boards were nothing new. All the best captains faced them now and then. A captain who could not think for herself and decide when the rules should be bent, or even broken, wasn't worth the alloy in those pips she wore.
Oh, what an exhilarating feeling to be so close! One slipstream flight away from home. Was it worth the risk? With her ultimate goal so close, without hesitation, she knew her answer was yes, of course it was worth the risk. Kathryn Janeway was not afraid of risk. She had been doing the impossible for as long as she could remember. Hell, she had made it this far, hadn't she? She had the best crew in Starfleet; if anyone could pull this off, she could.
She studied the view outside her window. The stars streaked past. Alien stars in alien space. By this time tomorrow she hoped she'd be looking at familiar stars through a Federation window somewhere. She thought about the last time she was in Federation space. She had been preparing Voyager to capture a small Maquis ship. She smiled. Well, she had certainly attained that objective! Hell, she'd not only captured the Maquis ship, she'd turned them all into Starfleet crew. In fact, without that Maquis ingenuity, she probably wouldn't be standing here contemplating the thought of being home tomorrow.
She thought of her Maquis first officer. She couldn't imagine this adventure without him. She wondered what Chakotay thought about the risks of the slipstream drive. Well, she'd find out soon enough. She turned from the viewport and began replicating dinner. The dish she'd selected was not in the computer database. It was her grandmother's not-so-secret recipe. Cooking had never been one of her talents, but Chakotay knew that. This was a night for celebration. With any luck, this would be their last night out here. It seemed fitting, somehow, to make it a little more personal. He was her best friend, after all.
Kathryn wondered for a moment what it would have been like if she had given in to her attraction for Chakotay. What was she waiting for? Every time he let her know in some subtle way that he cared deeply for her, she found a new excuse to hide behind. She closed her eyes for a moment, remembering intimate dinners on New Earth. Remembering long talks, exquisite backrubs, lingering gazes.... A shudder went through her. She had a hard time remembering why they had not acted on those desires. It wasn't because she was captain, not then. What excuse had she hidden behind, then? Oh yes...she still had felt guilty, thinking she would be betraying Mark. She didn't have that excuse any more, did she?
On an impulse, she replicated some candles, too. Now seemed to be the time for taking risks.
**********************
Continued in Part 3
**********************
Timeless Thoughts, Part 3
Chakotay looked a little confused when he walked in and noticed the dim lighting, the music, and the candles. ::What are you THINKING??:: Kathryn thought to herself. ::Are you out of your mind?:: She took a deep breath as he sat down. Aloud, she said, "Commander. I hope you've got an appetite."
"Famished. But I thought you called me here to talk about the slipstream drive?"
::I haven't been this jittery in years! I was less nervous facing the Borg,:: she thought. "No reason to cancel our dinner plans," she said. She didn't think her voice betrayed her nerves, but she wasn't sure. They talked about the food, she made self-deprecating remarks about her cooking skills...things were going well so far. She still wondered just what she thought she was doing. This was nothing like their usual working dinners. Certainly they were relaxed with each other, but candlelight had never been an element in their pleasant evenings together.
"But tonight is a special occasion." She studied his face. Damn, he could be playing poker for all that showed there.
"Oh?"
Nervous, she continued. "Our last night in the Delta Quadrant. I'd say that's special enough." She remembered to breathe and tried to arrange her hands in what she thought was a relaxed but confident posture.
"You've made your decision," he said. She looked intently at him, trying to read his thoughts, trying to gauge his feelings. She got the sense that he was not in total agreement with her decision, but she needed to know if he would stand by her. She needed to know if he would take that risk. If he trusted her. He was still watching her, waiting for her to speak.
"We launch tomorrow at 0800. You and Harry will take the Delta Flyer. Voyager will be right behind you."
Kathryn saw Chakotay look away as he let his breath out. No, he definitely did not agree with her. But would he be honest enough with her to tell her? Half of her--the part that was Kathryn Janeway, the woman--wanted this man's honesty. But the part that was captain had to know if her first officer would stand by her. The two parts melded until she wasn't sure what she wanted. It didn't matter, because he would say whatever it was that he was going to say, and nothing she could do would change that.
"The crew will be pleased," he finally answered.
::Hell, I didn't expect that response,:: she thought. Not satisfied, she went on. "What about you, Chakotay? What do you think?" Her voice was almost a whisper. She was almost afraid for him to hear her, almost afraid to hear his answer. She leaned toward him, unable to take her eyes from his face. Every muscle was tense.
He picked up the padd. Was he trying to buy some time? Trying to gauge what to say? They had come a long way since their disagreement over her bargain with the Borg. They had made many difficult decisions together since then. He had persuaded her to accept his help with the Omega Directive. He had stood by her when they traveled through the void. They had both worked very hard to repair the rift between them, and now they were closer than ever.
"I've analyzed the data," he said. "The theory is sound, but there are just too many variables. If something happens..." His voice trailed off, but his expression and his slight shrug indicated that he was well aware that this was the riskiest maneuver they had ever considered.
"It may be our only chance to use the drive." Was she reminding him or persuading him? She wasn't sure.
"True, but if we showed this data to any Starfleet engineers, they'd think we were out of our minds." He paused. He looked her in the eye. "We'll find another way home. We've waited this long--"
Something snapped a little inside. "Long enough," she said, too sharply. She got control of herself and her voice softened. "We've waited long enough. Yes, it's a risk--our biggest risk yet--but I'm willing to take it." She took a deep breath before asking the question that meant everything. This was it--all or nothing. The whole game rested on the answer. "Are you with me?"
He set the padd down, but he didn't hesitate. "Always."
Outside, she was the composed captain, but inside, Kathryn wanted to collapse with relief. She looked down for a second, not sure if her face would betray just how important that answer was to her. Suddenly she couldn't just sit still. The adrenaline from the rush of relief had to go somewhere. She stood up and walked around the table, pleased in some part of her mind that her knees didn't buckle. For a moment, she was so relieved she wanted nothing more than to throw her arms around him. For a moment, she considered it. "Speaking of risks..." she said.
Instead, she touched his shoulder. She tried for a light tone in her voice, but instead it came out as a whisper. "...are you ready to try some home cooking?"
He smiled--that sweet smile that made her melt a little every time she saw it. "I'll alert Sickbay."
She touched his face and walked to the replicator, laughing a little as the nervous tension started to dissipate. Suddenly she heard Chakotay's voice right behind her. "Can I help you with those dishes?" Startled, she jumped. His hands steadied her shoulders as he stood behind her. An uncontrollable shiver went through her at the unexpected contact. "Kathryn?" His voice was soft in her ear. Like velvet.
She looked down. She knew she was blushing. She tried to tell herself, ::Easy, Kathryn. Captains don't blush. Especially not to their first officers.:: She felt the color continue to rise in her cheeks. She couldn't trust herself to speak; she knew her voice would break. It was incredible. She had faced countless enemies, had been in countless life-threatening situations. But this man--this amazing man--could render her speechless.
"Kathryn?" he repeated. Only seconds had passed, but it felt like forever. "Are you all right? You don't seem quite like yourself."
She could feel the heat of his hands. It was like her jacket was on fire. She closed her eyes. His touch hadn't had this effect on her since New Earth. Memories of an exquisite backrub rushed to her mind. She fought for control. But then she thought, ::Why are you fighting it? Isn't this what you wanted?:: She suddenly remembered that Chakotay had spoken to her, had asked her a question. "I'm...I'm fine," she stammered.
He turned her gently so that she faced him. "Are you?" he said softly. He was only one step away, and his hands were still on her upper arms. She finally looked up at his face. She searched his eyes, not sure what she saw there. She was vaguely aware of wondering what he saw in her eyes just then. "I just...I needed to be sure you'd stand by me." Her voice was almost a whisper. She spoke again, trying for a more captainly tone this time. "I am ultimately responsible for this decision, but I value your opinion."
"Kathryn, you have led this crew through more challenges than I can name. There is no one in this galaxy I trust more." His voice was quiet, but there was no mistaking the passion in his voice.
"But this isn't about trust. It's about risk. Are you willing to take this risk with me?"
He looked into her eyes. Or was it into her soul? "Kathryn, for you, I'd risk almost anything." They looked at each other for a long moment.
Or was it forever? Kathryn wasn't sure. She again became conscious of his hands on her arms. She could feel the heat of them through her jacket. She could feel the heat of his gaze upon her as well. Suddenly she felt overwhelmed, and she closed her eyes to regain some sense of control.
Then...then she felt the soft, butterfly touch of his lips on her brow. She inhaled sharply in surprise. His breath was warm against her face. "Somehow, Kathryn, with you, things are usually worth the risk."
"Chakotay..." she whispered. She was surprised she could still stand up; her knees felt so weak.
He took that last step toward her and folded her in his arms. Or did she step into his arms? She wasn't quite sure. Either way, she decided just to enjoy the moment, to draw strength from his embrace. She leaned into his chest and circled her arms around him. They stood like that, saying nothing.
********
~FIN~
********
Copyright 1999
All rights reserved