The X-Files and its characters belong (sadly) to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions.
THE VISIT by Lucy Britt
I don't know why I went to Mulder's apartment, what was I looking for? Retribution? A quick death? A slow one? Perhaps the answers to all my unasked questions? It was fear, I know that at least, that stopped me from knocking, why was I so afraid? That I don't know.
I had been standing there for ten minutes when the door swung open, Mulder in trainers and sweats, about to go for a run. He halted when he saw me, mouth dropping open in surprise which quickly turned into anger and he grabbed my good arm, yanking me inside. With the door shut behind us I breathed a sigh of relief, there was no going back now, no escape.
"What do you want?" The words surprised me, I had expected Mulder to pull his gun, hit me, anything but talk. Just to show him, I didn't answer, walked further into his apartment, peering at his fish, glancing out of the grubby window at the street below.
"Krycek!" His voice made me shiver, there was no compromise in it, no way I was going to be able to walk away from this as I had done countless times in the past. I turned to face him, his eyes were glittering and I took a step towards him, his eyes warned me off but I took another step forward, unable to help myself.
We've shared so much you and I, I wanted to say it to him, appeal to him, get him to forgive me but that would never happen. I had taken too much away from him, following orders designed to hurt him, designed to stop him and I admit Igot a certain perverse pleasure out of the fact that these things seemed instead to drive him on. His resolve at least was never shaken.
"What do you want?" Mulder did hit me then, driving his fist into my face. I barely felt the pain, barely noticed the slow trickle of blood, all this was so familiar, had happened a thousand times before and in a strange way I welcomed it. My life was so empty, so devoid of emotion that I welcomed Mulder's rage, cherished it as anyone else would have cherished their partner's love.
I looked up at him and smiled, he didn't return it however just pushed me down into a chair and glowered down at me. "What do you want?" He asked for the third time.
"I don't know," my reply made him laugh roughly.
"Did you come here for this?" He jabbed the muzzle of his gun into my belly making me gasp.
"I came to say sorry," the words trickled from my lips along with the blood but his hazel eyes were full of scorn.
"Sorry?" He exploded with anger and I tried not to flinch, didn't want him to know that I was more scared of him than I was of Cancer Man. "You son of a bitch, I should shoot you now."
I shrugged, "go ahead."
That made him pause, made his lips purse together as he realised that perhaps I would welcome death, accept if from his hands with a joy that was usually reserved for the gift of life.
"Alex Krycek," gun in hand he paced in front of me. I watched him curling his fingers through his dark hair, trying to decide whether I should live or die. "If I told you I forgive you," he said eventually, "would you go away, would you leave me alone?"
I shook my head, Mulder's destiny and my own were bound together in ways not even I could understand. "I'm your shadow Mulder, your dark side, you need me."
He opened his mouth, to deny my words, to tell me that he had enough dark side for ten people and that he certainly didn't need me and then he shut it in confusion.
"I can't stay away from you Mulder, not ever. You'd have to kill me to free yourself of this curse."
He couldn't do it, I saw it in his eyes. Mulder was no coward and somehow killing me would be an act of cowardice. He wanted to hit me again, I could see that too and I leaned into the punch this time, lending it more weight and felt one of my back teeth come loose.
"I've got nothing to say to you. Get out." He dragged me to my feet and I dug a hand inside my jacket finally pulling out the card I'd come all this way to deliver.
"Happy birthday Mulder." Ignoring his gun, I knew he wouldn't use it, I leant forward, my lips brushing his cheek. It was the only way I could do it, the only way I knew how and when I pulled back there was more than just anger in his eyes.
I didn't wait for another dismissal, simply walked past him, opened the door and stepped around Scully, Mulder's present in her arms, shock and then disgust in her eyes. I didn't look back, even though I knew Mulder was watching me. I didn't turn around, not once.
The End