Note: This story has nothing to do with any other stories written by me. Visit my fic@ www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Park/1240/ I also know that there wasn't a copy of Padgett's novel. For this story to work, there has to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ True love is the most powerful thing someone can have. It is also the most dangerous and hurtful tool if not treasured. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ________________________________ The Truth, Two Hearts and a Stranger. By Joey R. ============================= Part One - Mulder's POV.
It's been a week since it happened, since it ended. Phillip Padgett was buried last Saturday. I thought once he was gone, everything would go back to normal. I was wrong. It hasn't.
Scully is still hurting. Her nightmares continue. I'm still hurting. My nightmares continue.
It wasn't so hard to cope with until she pushed me away. I've tried to understand her actions but I can't. She just told me she was used to being alone, that she would cope on her own.
She's been gone for a week. Not physically, although there doesn't seem to be any physical contact between us anymore. Emotionally. She's been more distant this past week. Although Scully's just sitting across the desk from me, it seems like she's on the other side of the world emotionally.
I can't say I blame her, she's been through a lot. Too much. At least this time, I am not to blame for her pain.
Phillip Padgett is. He caused it, he made her feel scared and vulnerable and now he's gone.
Part of me feels that he got off lightly. He created this mess and then walked away from it.
Part of me feels relieved. Relieved that he is gone and can no longer hurt her, scare her, take her away from me.
Part of me feels grateful. I'm grateful that he loved her enough to die instead of her, that he died to save her.
It's dark when I arrive home. I've been out for another run, trying to understand why this happened and why she is pushing me away like she is.
I sit on my couch and stare at the place she was lying, covered in blood, not so long ago. She let me in after the attack, she let me comfort her. Scully let me hold her, let me be her rock. For once, she clung to me and cried. She opened up to me, something I've been waiting for since the Pfaster case.
For the whole week between the attack and the funeral, I stayed with Scully. We left my apartment because Padgett had lived next door and the attack had taken place on the floor in my living room and we spent the week in her apartment, somehow avoiding the memories and somehow, avoiding speaking about it. Skinner gave us the time off work. Time for Scully to recover and for me to help her.
She asked me to hold her every night, to keep the nightmares away. It worked for us both. Neither of us had many nightmares and we certainly had no purely terrifying ones. At least, not until the night of the funeral. The night she thanked me for my support and then asked me to leave.
I've thought about nothing but Scully for the last week.
Thoughts of her fighting her demons alone, thoughts of the guilt I know she feels. She blames herself for Padgett's death, she cannot bring herself to think about the hell he put her through.
I've learnt a lot from my partner becoming the obsession of a murderer. I learnt a lot about Scully and a lot about myself and a lot about the two of us together.
I love her. I've known that for a long time now, known for a lot of years. I realize now that I need to tell her. She needs to know I love her.
Despite being so certain about my feelings for Scully, how she feels about me is still a mystery. A mystery that confuses me daily. Sometimes, I feel confident that Scully loves me, other times I feel like she sees me as another overprotective big brother. After Padgett's comment that " Agent Scully is already in love," my opinion changed again. My ego supports my heart's hope that she loves me but something inside me won't let me be so self-assured. My insecurities nag at my mind and taunt my thoughts. I'm scared that she loves someone else and that my heart will end up as broken, if not more so, than Padgett's was when he realized it.
I stand up so suddenly my head starts spinning and I feel dizzy. All I know at this moment in time is that we need to talk, we need to talk about everything we should have already talked about. Padgett's attraction to her brought the tension in our relationship to a head. I realize I have been insensitive about her feelings, before Padgett arrived on the scene or at least before we knew about him.
I was jealous of Padgett and the attention Scully showed him - attention I wanted her to show to me but now, looking back, I see it might have been her way to get my attention. It hurt me, she hurt me by showing a stranger the attention she showed him. She was curious, I guess. I realize not, though, that by showing Diana Fowley the attention I should have shown Dana Scully, I hurt her. Perhaps it is because of me that she wanted to believe Padgett was innocent of the crimes he directed. She wanted to show me what it was like to be ignored, like I stupidly ignored her.
I drive towards Scully's apartment without needing to think [delete "about"] where I am going. I know the way, I could drive to her place from mine with my eyes closed. As I drive, I make a vow to myself and to Scully. I'm not leaving until she knows I love her, until I am sure there is not even a flicker of a doubt in her heart.
End of Part One.
The Truth, Two Hearts and a Stranger (2/3) Part two - Scully's POV.
I haven't spoken to him all week. I wish I could. It's just so hard, though. It's like there's a whole new set of walls and barriers for us to break down.
Walls and barriers I put up around my heart, I know I'm to blame for the distance between us now. I know it and I'm not proud of it. Well, I know I own most of the responsibility for it.
Padgett made me realize things about myself that I was not ready to accept, things I am still not ready to accept fully.
I'm lonely. I don't want to be alone, I'm scared to be alone.
I'm guilty, I caused his death and he saved my life.
I hate him for what he put us through, for what he put me through.
The attention he paid me was both flattering and disturbing. I was flattered that he found me attractive and that he thought he loved me. I was flattered to know someone thought I was lovable, even though I hoped the person to show me that would be Mulder, not a stranger. I also admit that I was hoping Padgett's attention would catch Mulder's attention.
It did but not in the way I'd wanted. I seem to only catch Mulder's attention when he thinks I need saving, when he thinks I can't save myself which makes me feel as though he thinks I'm pathetic. He did seem jealous, though. But then, with it being Mulder, it was probably not jealousy, just him trying to solve the case and save lives. Mulder doesn't know he is sometimes seen as a hero to me. He doesn't seem to want to accept that he can't save everyone in the world, either.
I was made uncomfortable by Padgett's attention and I still feel humiliated.
Padgett knew things about me, about my heart, that no one knew - not even myself. He humiliated me by writing those things, those intimate details, in his novel. A novel my partner read.
I feel guilty for feeling such hatred and bitterness towards him, a stranger. He had no right to do what he did. He was nothing but a stalker, my stalker.
Again, I was flattered by the attention but I hated being scared of him watching my every move. I was unnerved by his confession that he moved in next door to Mulder because he wanted to be near me and there was no room in my apartment block.
I feel guilty for hating the man who saved my life, I hurt him.
I regret hurting him but I regret the effect this whole situation has had on my relationship with Mulder a lot more.
Ever since I was attacked in his apartment, I haven't been back. I can't face the memories. In the week following the attack, it was no problem. Mulder and I stayed at my apartment. We relaxed and helped support each other. With Mulder sleeping beside me, with his arms around me in a purely platonic way, of course, I felt safe. I didn't have nightmares, not anything he couldn't help me handle. They were 'small' nightmares. That's the only way I can describe them. They were nightmares that were easily put of my mind by a tightening of his arms or a murmured " I've got you, Dana. It's okay."
Since the funeral, I've been alone at night. Purely by choice, I add. I've also had what I'd call big nightmares. And Mulder hasn't been here to comfort me. Because I asked him not to.
I regret that. I didn't realize it was possible to become so accustomed to Mulder being there while I sleep in just a week.
I miss him. I want to tell him but we don't talk anymore. I just avoid his gaze all day at work. I know he knows I've started having nightmares - real nightmares - and I don't want to worry.
I glance at the clock when I realize my legs are numb. I'm surprised to find out that I've been sitting and staring into space for two hours. Thinking of Padgett, Mulder and myself.
Well, I certainly live life in the fast lane, don't I?
I look back at the clock. Eleven o'clock. Time to go to bed and lie there staring at the ceiling, wishing Mulder was with me and dreading falling asleep in case the nightmares come.
I get up and move into my bedroom and change for bed. I am getting into bed when I hear a soft knock at my door and then a key turning in the lock.
The key lets me know it's Mulder. Ever since the whole thing started, I've allowed him to enter my apartment using his key - as long as he knocks first to give me some sort of warning that it is him and not someone else.
I don't bother switching on the light or getting out of bed. Instead, I sit up and look at the doorway to my bedroom, waiting for him.
" Scully?" Mulder's soft voice reaches me as I hear his footsteps in the hall outside my bedroom. " Dana? Sweetheart?"
" I'm awake, Mulder," I hear myself answer, smiling slightly at the term of endearment he's used since the incident. " You can come in."
Mulder enters my bedroom and instinctively moves over to the vacant spot on the bed beside me, his spot. He looks at me in the dark and leans across to turn on the bedside lamp.
I know the time to talk has come. As much as I've been hoping for this, I've been dreading it just as much.
End of Part Two.
The Truth, Two Hearts and a Stranger (3/3) Part Three - 3rd person narrative.
Mulder and Scully were both temporarily blinded and had to wait for their vision to adjust to the light.
When he could finally see clearly, he looked at her and felt a smile tug at his lips.
" What's so funny?" Scully asked, wondering what was wrong.
" Your nightshirt, it looks familiar," he commented, smiling tenderly at her.
She looked down and blushed when she saw she was wearing a T-shirt he'd left behind. " Sorry, I didn't realize... I guess I've claimed the things you left."
" It's okay," he assured her. " It looks better on you than it does on me."
" Thanks, I guess." She blushed prettily and began picking nervously at the comforter. " So, what are you doing here?"
" We need to talk, Dana," he sighed. " I need to talk to you."
" About Padgett?" She noticeably grew even more nervous, a sigh escaping her lips.
" Partly," he took her hand. " There's things I need to say to you, things I should have said a long time ago."
" Go ahead, I'm listening. I know we have to talk because there are a lot of things I need to say to you."
" Okay, I'll start," he took a deep breath and started. " This whole thing with Padgett, it's affected us both and it's let me see a new side of you and before you protest, I don't see you as being weak and pathetic. I never have and I never will. I just realize that I've never really showed you how much I appreciate you and our friendship and I know we need to talk about how we feel about this Padgett thing, before there are too many things between us and being together becomes unbearable. I'm not willing to lose you because of a dead guy and something's he wrote about you."
" What if most of the things he wrote about me are true?" Seeing his surprised look, she quickly continued. " Not the...the things he wrote that happened between me and the stranger. The way he said I feel and the things he said I thought. There was a copy of the end of the novel in his apartment, did you read it?"
" Yes, I read it. There wasn't anything..major in there, though," Mulder frowned, trying to remember what Padgett had written.
" He wrote that what he mistook for my interest in him was nothing other than my attempt to get your attention," she looked down at her hands. " He was right. I.... There are so many things I want to tell you, Mulder, but I don't know where to start."
" I was going to go first but I'm more interested in listening to what you have to say so, just start from the beginning," Mulder squeezed her hand.
" I.. Padgett knew things about me, he wrote things about me that scared me because they were things I didn't even want to know about. And I certainly didn't want you to know about some of them. I...I am scared of being alone, I realized that this week because I have been alone. I couldn't talk to you about it because I was embarrassed by it, I still am. But I don't want to be alone and I don't want to keep pushing you away but I'm so confused by how I feel." Scully took a deep breath and sighed. " This is harder than I thought, I'm just babbling."
" I don't mind," he grinned. " I like hearing you talk, even if it is 'babbling', as you call it."
" Okay, but if you fall asleep, I'll shoot you," she teased. " I hate Padgett because of how this whole thing has affected us. But then I feel guilty for hating him because I hurt him and in the end, he died for me. For us. The last line in his novel is something to the effect of his final act of destruction was seen by him to be a chance to give what he couldn't receive. You do know what he was talking about, don't you?"
" I...He was talking about your heart, your love." It was his turn to bite his lip. " Before you say anything else, Dana. I need to ask you something and tell you something." He turned to her and tenderly touched her cheek. " When Padgett said you were already in love, I... What I'm trying to say is that I was hoping it was me because I love you. I've just made a lousy job of showing you just how much you mean to me. So I wouldn't blame you if you hated me and had fallen in love with someone else."
" Mulder." She bit her lip again and gazed into his eyes. " I don't hurt you and there is no one else. I love you. By dying instead of me, Padgett was giving me a chance to stop being lonely and he was making it possible for me to give you what he couldn't have. My heart and my love."
" Really?" Mulder's eyes lit up with a new hope. " Even though I've been a insensitive, arrogant jerk?"
" Yeah," Scully smiled but the smile faded. " There's still a lot we need to talk about though, Mulder."
" I know," he agreed. " But I really want to tell you how sorry I am."
" For what?" She frowned, confused. " You haven't done anything."
" I wasn't exactly very... supportive. During the case, I tried to make up for it afterwards but I still feel guilty for being jealous of Padgett and taking that jealousy out on you."
" How did you take it out on me?"
" I wasn't very friendly," he shrugged. " But it was because he upset me."
" He upset you?" She tilted her head to one side. " How?"
" In lots of ways, by hurting and scaring you." He looked away. " But what upset me most, Dana, is that this guy knew more about your feelings than I did. I feel guilty about that, I should have known that you felt like you did, I should have realized I was hurting you by ignoring you."
" You made up for it," she reached up and touched his cheek. " Don't feel guilty, please. I didn't even know some of the things he pointed out in that stupid novel of his so I don't know how you could."
"You know me better than I know myself, shouldn't I know you better than you know yourself?" He questioned.
" You've got plenty of time to get to know me better." Scully stifled a sigh.
" Have you been having nightmares?" Mulder asked, already knowing the answer.
" Yeah. Without you being here, I guess I didn't feel safe enough to go to sleep and not dream of Padgett. To tell you the truth, I've been trying not to sleep. I can't face the nightmares."
" Go to sleep," he murmured, pulling her into his arms. They settled down beneath the comforter, holding each other close.
" We still need to talk.." She protested. " I've got to tell you...that I missed you.."
" I missed you too, now sleep," he whispered into her hair. " I'll be here when you wake up and we can talk more then."
" Okay," was all she managed to say before she fell asleep in the safety of his embrace. Mulder followed suit later, both of them finding that as longer as they were truthful and together, the memories of the stranger who almost tore them apart couldn't haunt or hurt them anymore.
The End.