Warning: This is just a humorous story, so YES, it is OOC. Especially Voldemort. I guess Nagini is in character but forget about everybody else.
All right, here are the details.
Genre: Humor
Rated: K+ (For mild language, a bunch of people dying, and Voldemort's toenails.)
Characters: Lily and Severus (couple) and Voldemort.
Title: AVADA KEDAVRA (Yes, all capital letters.)
Note: I'm not J.K. Rowling. However, if I was, I am certain that the Harry Potter community would probably have a lot to worry about.
AVADA KEDAVRA
By FindBB
Chapter 1.
Once upon a time, there was a Lily Evans who decided to marry Severus Snape instead of James Potter. There were technical and philosophical reasons as to why she did this, but this was neither a time nor place to discuss such complicated matters. The point was, they were married.
Snape felt incredibly lucky that he would end up with a woman like Lily, so he tried his best not to make her angry or make her feel she made a mistake by marrying him. This meant that he could no longer join the Death Eaters, a position for which he had already applied. When the year came up and Snape didn't join, Voldemort really wanted to know what had happened to his star pupil. I mean, Lucius was grand, but not as grand as Severus. They had a lot in common. (Not really, but both Voldemort and Snape were half-bloods and Voldemort really had an unspoken kinship with Snape due to this single reason.) Voldemort decided to ask what was up.
"What is up, Severus?" asked Voldemort one day. Severus almost screamed because he was at the breakfast table in his new home when Voldemort asked this.
"How did you get in?" Severus hissed as he looked frantically about. Luckily, Lily was not yet awake.
"Oh, is that how it is, then?" Voldemort said in a wounded tone, "You don't see me for seven months, two weeks, and three days and all of a sudden it's 'How did you get in?' I'm hurt, Severus."
"No, no, Dark Lord, it's just that… Lily doesn't like unexpected visitors."
"Unexpected…? Why Severus, you should always expect the Dark Lord. This is in the Death Eaters Manual, remember? I know we have a new edition but you've memorized the other one!"
Snape wasn't sure what to say. All he could do was play a particular scene over and over again in his head. Actually, two scenes: One scene was of Voldemort killing him and Lily, and the other one was of Voldemort and the Death Eaters singing show tunes while dancing. He wasn't sure where the latter thought had come from but he was rather disturbed by it.
"Hello, Wizarding World to Severus; are you even listening to me?"
"I'm sorry Dark Lord, but, I… I can't join the Death Eaters."
"WHAT?"
"I mean, I'm married now, and—"
"Lucius Malfoy is getting married and you don't hear him complaining."
"Well, Lucius is a—" Snape stopped himself from saying 'male prostitute'. "Special case."
"Oh, I see, Severus. I see. Is that what this is about?"
"I don't understand. What do you mean?"
"You think just because I have Lucius' picture higher up than anybody else's on the Death Eater wall, that I care about him more than you?"
Snape's mouth opened to form words but his throat seemed to not want to cooperate. No sound came out. There was a quiet hum in his ear that turned into a droning whine as Snape watched Voldemort talking animatedly while he could hear none of it. It wasn't until a full five minutes had gone by did Snape recover enough to hear the next important part of Voldemort's long ramblings.
"…I said to the Muggle gardener, well, if you care so much about your plants, maybe you should provide sustenance for them! And you know what I did?"
Snape stared at Voldemort for a moment as Voldemort looked at him impatiently.
"Well, Severus?"
"Dark Lord?"
"Don't you want to know what I did?"
"No. I mean, yes, what did you do?"
Voldemort picked up the forgotten fork next to Snape's plate and held it out in front of him.
"Avada Kedavra," Voldemort finished proudly. Severus felt his blood go cold.
"That's… wonderful," Snape said, wanting to cry.
"I know," Voldemort nodded. "You know, being Dark Lord and all."
Snape nodded and put his face in his hands.
"Anyways," said Voldemort as he tossed the fork unceremoniously back onto the table, "I have to go. I need to check in on Goyle and see if he's staying out of trouble, the idiot."
Snape nodded again but did not look up. A moment later he heard footsteps.
"Severus, what's the matter?" asked Lily's voice.
Snape looked up after wiping his eyes.
"Oh, nothing," he told her.
-o-o-o-
Three days had gone by and Snape had almost started to believe that it was all a bad dream. Sure, he had nightmares of the poor Muggle gardener and Voldemort casting 'Avada Kedavra' on him over and over again with a fork, but that could all be a product of his stressed mind. Right?
Well, apparently not. Snape knew when he saw the owl, there was trouble ahead. Well, first of all, it wasn't actually an owl but Peter Pettigrew flapping his arms and poking his head through the window with an envelope in his teeth. Second of all- well, actually, that was it.
"Uh, thank you," said Snape as he delicately took the envelope from Pettigrew's mouth. Peter made a squawking sound as he flapped his 'wings' and walked away.
"Did the post come?" asked Lily, looking up from the book she was reading. Snape stared at her with the envelope in his hand. After a while he nodded. He kept nodding as he opened the envelope. He nodded again as his eyes scanned the words on the letter inside.
Two tickets fell from the forgotten envelope and onto the floor.
"What's that?" Lily bent over and picked them up before Severus could react.
"Two tickets to Paris," Severus whispered over Lily, who said the same thing but more loudly. All he could hear was his own voice, however. It sounded dead.
"Oh Severus," said Lily, her eyes shining with delight, "Who would send us such a wonderful gift?"
"Lucius," Severus lied. "Lucius Malfoy."
"Lucius Malfoy?" Lily looked surprised. "I thought he hated me."
"No, he loves you."
"What?"
"Actually, he doesn't, but he… wanted… to send us this gift."
"That's marvelous."
Lily was smiling up at Severus, who wanted to scream. It wasn't Lucius who had sent them the tickets, but Voldemort, of course. The accompanying note was simple:
You will enjoy Paris.
Love,
DLV
Severus knew he should be grateful. He knew he should be happy that Lily was so excited about this trip. After all, how many people had the opportunity to visit Paris for free? He sighed. He decided to give in and let Lily have her fun while it lasted. If he refused, he knew it was Avada Kedavra for both of them, or worse. He wasn't sure what 'or worse' would entail, but he kept seeing Owl-Pettigrew in his mind, and he was certain he would do anything not to see that image again.
Lily did most of the packing while Severus sat in an armchair and stared bleakly out the window. When he wasn't staring, he would sob a little into his sleeve. Stupid Dark Lord. Why was he so keen on having Snape join the Death Eaters?
"I'm ready," said Lily. "Are we leaving tomorrow?"
"Yes. We are."
Snape sat motionless as Lily hugged him.
-o-o-o-
Severus really didn't understand why Voldemort would give him and Lily two tickets to Paris via Muggle transportation. Either it was a comment on Lily's Muggle-born background, or he really wanted to annoy them by making them deal with large crowds and confusing schedules.
"Severus, there you are," said a familiar voice that made Severus' blood run cold.
"D-Dark Lord?" gasped Severus. He thought he was going to faint. Then he saw Lily, who looked more than displeased and he felt his blood rush back to his head in shame.
"I was starting to wonder if you were going to show up," said Voldemort with a laugh. He looked just like he normally did, robes and bare feet and all, except with Muggle sunglasses on.
"Who is this?" asked Lily politely.
"Lord Voldemort, but you may call me Dark Lord," Voldemort said before Snape could reply.
Lily glared at Snape. Snape held out his hands and gave her a pleading look. Voldemort motioned for them to follow him as he turned toward the security check point.
"What is this?" hissed Lily into Severus' ear as he walked behind Voldemort. "Is this Lucius' idea of a joke?"
"Lily…It wasn't Lucius who sent us the tickets." Snape wanted to jump out the window. No, that was ridiculous. They were only on the second floor. Maybe he could apparate outside once they were on the plane and in the air. That would be far more effective.
Snape didn't hear a response from Lily so he dared to look at her. He wished he hadn't. She was glaring furiously at him. He kept walking and ran into the back of some Muggle who was waiting patiently behind some other Muggles who were all staring at Voldemort.
"I'm sorry sir, but you cannot bring that snake onto the aircraft," said an apologetic airport security officer. He seemed to be terrified of Voldemort.
"Oh, but Nagini is… what do you Muggles call it—my… Guide Snake for the Blind."
There was an awkward silence for a moment as the security officer looked first at the giant snake in front of him, then at Voldemort's Muggle sunglasses.
"I apologize," the security officer finally stammered. "B-But, I would need to see a license of some sort for the animal if that is the case."
"Yes, of course," Voldemort agreed. He leaned into his bag, and before Snape could say anything, he had quietly muttered, "Avada Kedavra."
The security officer dropped to the floor and some Muggles screamed.
"Oh look, he fainted," said Voldemort. "Pity that."
Voldemort stepped out of the way, waiting for Snape and Lily to get ushered along by Nagini, who pushed into their legs from behind. Additional security officers appeared but Voldemort cast a silencing spell on them.
"It's too bad that I can't see," Voldemort said loudly. "I don't know what's going on unless someone's speaking to me."
Snape sighed and looked at Lily, who was turned away from him. This was terrible. Voldemort walked them to their gate unharmed. Snape half expected (and hoped) that they would be stopped when they boarded the plane or even before they got to that point, but the airport security staff seemed to be mysteriously missing. Snape didn't want to think too hard about that.
-o-o-o-
"Ah, how comfortable," said Voldemort, who sat in the plane between Lily and Snape a few moments later. Lily didn't respond but stared intently out the window instead. Snape grimaced as Nagini slid down the aisle then up his lap to curl around Voldemort's shoulders.
Snape looked around, wondering why nobody was reacting to the giant reptile. He realized after a moment that the whole cabin was quite still. Upon closer inspection, Snape deduced that Voldemort had cast a freezing spell on them.
"Dark Lord, why—" Snape began. He wanted to ask why Voldemort bothered with Muggle travel methods if he was going to make such a huge production of it in the end. He gave up instead.
A concerned looking flight attendant approached their seats as the plane started to move. Snape hid his face in a magazine.
"Sir," she began, "I apologize, but all animals needed to be checked in outside and flown in a separate compartment."
"Oh yes, Muggle air waitress, but see, this is my Guide Snake for the Blind, whom I must keep with me at all times as I am in the state of being which keeps me from using my eyes. I would suggest that you continue on your way and leave the issue as is."
"I understand Sir, but we can assist you in the aircraft during the flight and your… animal companion will be waiting for you when you arrive at your destination. I'm afraid we are going to have to move it."
"Well, I just… Avada Kedavra."
Snape flinched as the flight attendant dropped to the floor, a polite smile still frozen on her face. He heard Lily gasp next to Voldemort.
"Eat, Nagini," commanded the Dark Lord. Nagini let out a hiss and pounced on the body, devouring it whole as Lily screamed. The sound was drowned out as the plane accelerated and lifted off into the air. Snape contemplated his apparition idea from earlier but didn't want to leave his wife with the Dark Lord. He might kill her, or worse, try to make a move on her. He shuddered at the idea.
"I need to… I need to use the toilet," stammered Lily. She clumsily shoved past Voldemort then Snape, tripping over Nagini in the process. She let out a sob and stumbled down the aisle.
"I need to use the toilet as well," Snape told Voldemort as he jumped up.
"Oh, I get it," said Voldemort. He gave Snape a Muggle sign for approval using his thumbs. Snape didn't stop to think about Voldemort's intended meaning as he hurried to catch up to Lily.
"Lily," Snape pleaded as he ran after his wife. "Please, Lily."
Lily stopped and turned to glare at Severus, who thought that perhaps it would have been a better idea to let her go to the washroom by herself.
"I thought you wouldn't dabble in the Dark Arts anymore, Severus," Lily hissed. "You promised. That's why I married you."
"I wasn't dabbling in the Dark Arts at all," Snape replied.
"Then why is the Dark Lord taking us on a trip to Paris?"
"I—"
"Why is he using dark magic to kill people?"
"Well—"
"Why won't you stop him, Severus?"
"How—"
"Why won't you answer me?"
"I will if you would just let me!"
Lily folded her arms and looked at Snape expectantly. He opened his mouth to speak, but instead turned to give Voldemort a dismayed look as he realized the Dark Lord was standing next to them.
"Err, hello Dark Lord," said Snape. Lily yelped and jumped back to hide behind her husband.
"Why aren't you two in the toilet?" asked Voldemort in a demanding tone. Snape was relieved when Voldemort didn't wait for his reply. Voldemort started to open random cabinets until another flight attendant approached.
"Everyone, the captain has not turned off the seat belt sign," she informed them. "Please, go back to your seats."
"I want a vodka martini," announced the Dark Lord. "Now."
"I'm sorry sir, we cannot provide you with drinks to order, but we do have a small selection—"
"Severus, make me a vodka martini."
Severus looked at the flight attendant, then at Lily, then Voldemort. He had no idea what a 'vodka martini' was, but he thought he might die if he didn't make one. Then again, if he made one and it was incorrect, he could die too. He started to sweat.
"I…I don't know what that is," stammered Snape. Voldemort glared at him for what seemed like an eternity. The Dark Lord slowly raised his hands and Snape closed his eyes, waiting for the killing curse to hit him. He just hoped Lily wouldn't suffer once he was dead.
"Do I have to do everything myself?" Voldemort said with a sigh. "Out of my way."
Snape opened his eyes just in time to see Voldemort backhand the flight attendant. She flew back from the force and crashed into the lavatory door behind her, knocked out cold. Voldemort started to rummage through the supply cabinets as Lily grabbed Snape's arm to usher him away.
"Maybe we can get away from him," she told Severus. "Once we're in Paris, we can wait until he's not around, then we can leave."
"He knows where we live, Lily," Snape said mournfully. "He will find us, and ask us why we left him in Paris by himself."
"Are you saying we're going to have to stay with him?"
"What other choice do we have? Death? Torture? Show tunes? Owl-Pettigrew? I don't want him to subject you to these things, Lily."
"Severus, you're not going to… join him… are you?"
"No, of course not."
Lily looked into Snape's eyes and he gazed back, unashamed. She finally nodded.
"All right, Severus," she said and gave him a hug. They turned to go back to their seats and found Voldemort already there, with a tall drink in hand.
"Would you believe it? No olives," said Voldemort as Snape climbed over him to get to the window seat this time, so Lily wouldn't have to.
A flight attendant stopped by to pass out ear buds, eyes a little glazed over as she did so. Snape guessed she was under the Imperius Curse. He sighed. At least Voldemort would be preoccupied during the movie. By the time the movie was over, they would be in Paris. He wondered why they were showing a movie on such a short flight. He recalled that the ticket said it would only take an hour. He shook his head and tried to think about Lily instead. He was interrupted from his thoughts when Voldemort jabbed him in the ribs.
"Hahahaha, he…they… oh, it's so funny Severus, you should see it!" Voldemort gasped as he chuckled and guffawed. He pointed at the screen and laughed again. Snape sighed.
Four hours later, they were in Paris. Snape didn't understand why the flight took so long until he peeked into the cockpit and realized the pilot was dead. Swallowing past the lump in his throat, he decided to not question anything anymore.
-o-o-o-
Snape sighed as Voldemort laughed next to him and Snape was reminded of the long flight. Voldemort had gotten them a suite, which was generous enough. (Snape was starting to worry that they'd have to share a room with the Dark Lord.) However, Voldemort invited them to watch Muggle television with him and they just couldn't refuse. Lily echoed Snape's sigh on the other side of Voldemort. They were on the small couch together, sandwiching the Dark Lord, who had his bare feet up on the coffee table in front of them. Snape stared down at Voldemort's feet, trying not to grimace too much at the long, yellow, overgrown toenails. Voldemort wiggled his toes. Snape jumped up in dismay.
"I'm going to unpack," he announced. "Come help me, Lily."
Lily nodded and jumped up too. They ran into their room and slammed the door shut.
"We have to get out of here," said Snape, feeling a little frantic. "The toes, Lily, the toes!"
"The smell, Severus," wailed Lily. She didn't elaborate, and Snape didn't really want her to.
"Maybe I can send Lucius a letter. He might have a solution. Surely the Dark Lord must have bothered him at some point as well."
"What would Lucius do, come down and join us?" Lily snapped. "Severus, there must be a better way. Severus!"
Snape wasn't listening. He scribbled out a note instead:
Lucius,
Voldemort brought me and Lily to Paris and we are stuck with him in a Muggle hotel watching Muggle programs and looking at his feet.
Please help,
Severus.
Snape nearly crumpled up the letter rather than seal it in an envelope. He unceremoniously dumped Lily's owl out from its cage and gave the indignant creature the letter.
"Go deliver it! Now!"
"Severus! Don't speak to him like that!"
"So, are you done with your unpacking?" asked Voldemort. Lily screamed.
"Dark Lord," exclaimed Snape, "I thought the door was locked."
"You know doors cannot keep me out, Severus," laughed Voldemort. "What are we going to do next?"
"Uh…" Snape looked at Lily. "Lily and I—… We were about to go get dinner together, actually, and—"
"Oh good, I'm starved. Let's go."
Voldemort put his arms around Snape and Lily's shoulders. Snape heaved a great sigh and gave up.
It was a long and painful dinner, but Snape and Lily somehow made it back to their room. Voldemort insisted on sleeping in their bed though, so Lily announced she was sleeping on the couch. Snape decided to grab a blanket and join her next to the floor when he noticed her owl had returned and was holding a letter in its claw.
"What's that?" asked Voldemort, as Snape reached for the letter.
"A billing statement," Snape told him.
"It looks like the Malfoy crest is on it."
"It's a billing statement from Lucius."
"Oh, I get it."
Voldemort gave Snape a knowing look while Snape nodded at him, though he was utterly confused. Instead he excused himself and went out into the living area. He tore open the letter and read the contents with shaking hands.
Dear Sevsy,
No worries. I sent you reinforcements. Check back in the morning.
–LM
Snape clutched the letter to his chest and gazed at Lily, wishing to tell her the news, but she was already asleep. He dropped onto the floor next to her and put the letter under his head, his heart filling with hope.
-o-o-o-
"Severus?"
Snape yelped as he bolted up.
"Lily!"
"Severus, are you all right? I think you were crying in your sleep."
"Yes, Lily. I had a terrible nightmare that Lord Voldemort had taken us on a trip to Paris and we were stuck with him for all eternity."
"That sounds awful," said Voldemort from the couch. He was eating sunflower seeds and had his feet up on the table again. He flicked a seed husk into Snape's eye. Snape wept bitterly.
There was a knock at the door. Snape looked up. Of course! The reinforcements.
"Enter," said Voldemort. There was a fumbling at the door as whoever it was obviously had no grasp on the concept of Muggle key cards. "Oh Severus, for crying out loud, could you get the blasted door?"
Snape flung open the door, eager to see who it was. It was …
"Pettigrew?" asked Snape in disbelief. He wanted to strangle Lucius. How would Pettigrew help solve their problem?
"Master," exclaimed Peter Pettigrew.
"Pettigrew!" Voldemort looked mildly entertained. "Good, come massage my feet."
"Of course, Master," gushed Peter as he groveled over to Voldemort. "Would you like me to trim your nails as well?"
"Yes, do that."
Good, thought Severus. At least one of his problems would be solved.
Peter started to use his teeth to gnaw at Voldemort's toenails. Snape tried not to vomit. He grabbed Lily and took her to the doorway.
"We're going outside," Snape told Voldemort.
"Yeah, you do that," answered Voldemort, who was now reading a Muggle magazine full of scantily clad women.
Severus and Lily stood outside in the hallway for a while, wondering if Voldemort would appear. He didn't. Overjoyed, they checked out of the hotel and got a better room elsewhere. They explored Paris to Lily's heart's content for three days before they decided they would go back home. Snape wondered why they hadn't visited the city before when they realized how simple it was to just apparate home. It was so easy when Muggles weren't involved.
"I guess I would have to write to the Dark Lord to explain we had to return home," Snape told Lily.
"Don't write to him Severus; maybe he will decide never to bother us again."
Snape disagreed but he didn't say anything. Instead he waited.
Three weeks went by and Severus had started to relax when he received an ominous letter and he knew it was all too good to last. Severus sat down first before he pulled the letter out and opened it, slowly scanning its contents.
Severus,
Already planning out our next vacation. Maybe we should take everyone else with us next time? I know the others are kind of jealous. It would help you settle in with your new friends. See you soon,
Your Lord Voldemort
A collection of photos spilled out of the envelope and onto the floor, all of Voldemort and Peter, standing around dead Muggle tourists and defacing Muggle monuments in Paris. Among the photos were two tickets to the Bahamas. Snape put his face in his hands and cried.
To be continued…
A/N: This story came about after I had a conversation with Nicky (from the Slytherin House Knitting Club) regarding some knitted dolls I ordered from her. I had a Severus, Lily, and Voldemort doll coming to me in the post in the same box, and I commented that it was like one of those movies where a couple wants to go on a romantic vacation together but then an annoying relative or the guy's stupid friend tags along and acts very inappropriate. Well, yeah, except it's Voldemort.
Anyway, we kept saying stuff back and forth, envisioning the scenes when I just couldn't resist. I wanted to write up a quick thing but ended up with 4,000 words. Go figure. Oh, well. Enough rambling from me. I hope you enjoyed it! More shall come soon.
Special thanks to Nicky for informing me that seeing-eye dogs are called Guide Dogs for the Blind in the UK. Also special thanks for my roommate who painted that awful picture of Pettigrew biting Voldemort's toenails for me. I mean, not literally painting it on canvas or anything but coming up with it. *Vomit*