To the Reader
The Idea for Maximum Ride in a Nutshell come from an earlier parody of mine called, fittingly, Twilight in a Nutshell and Newb Moon in a Nutshell, which, curiously enough, also feature a character names Nary who parodies a quite despicable book series in an extremely clever and humorous way. Most of the similarities end there. Nary and the other cameo characters in Maximum Ride in a Nutshell are not the same Nary and supporting cast featured in those two parodies. This is a fan based parody of a fan based parody of a fan based parody. I could care less if you enjoy this or not, because I paid a ghost writer to write this and nobody cares if an adult writer has a crappy Youth Fiction series.
"There is an art, or rather a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." —Douglas Adams."
Written by Team Omens. We don't own Fang, Maximum Ride, or James Patterson.
Max's standard beginning of the book Soliloquy: I'm a girl of extremes. For example, sometimes I cry a lot, like a Puppy-most scenes with Fang are evidence of that. Wait...did I just compare myself to a puppy? Aren't I too proud for that, or something? I mean, seriously. What kind of tomboy compares herself to a puppy? ...Anyways, if you mess with my cubs I'll break your frigging neck. Just warning ya. Anyhoo, I say this because right now I'm flying. Not with a plane, not hot air ballooning-speaking of which, wasn't I planning on going to the Balloon Fiesta at some point? ...Never mind. I'm flying... with wings! Dun dun duuuuuuuun. Which you'd think is redundant-you're reading book six, for Chri-crying out loud. It's not like somebody's going to smack themselves and say, "Oh, right. Maximum Ride is about bird kids. Man, I can't believe I forgot that." Unless you're reading book six first. What the hell do you think this is, Star Wars?
Narrator: Max...
Max: Yeah, yeah. Anyways, we're flying over Africa, and I have to admit, its fun as hell. For one thing, it's been a hole two hours since we were last almost killed. Bonus.
Iggy: Max? They're called Chad. Friggin Chad. It's like naming a whole country Bill or Ted. What idiot decided on Chad?
Narrator: The same idiot who named this novel, "Fang."
Gazzy: ...Burn.
Max: Patterson's hypocrisy aside, it's because you're an idiot, Iggy. It's not like all the people there named themselves.
Narrator: ...Did that sentence make any sense in your head? At all?
Nudge: But we named ourselves, Max!
Max: Shut up, Nudge. If I had my way, you'd still be on the submarine.
Narrator: Ain't she nurturing?
Max's soliloquy: Fang looked at me and gave me one of his half smiles-like a male version of Mona Lisa. Which is funny, because there are a few theories going around saying that Mona Lisa was actually a self portrait. Hah...I don't know why I'm telling you this. Anyways, in case you didn't read the last few books, he's hot. Uber hot. Because apparently emo guys are like that.
Fangirls: Fang is not Emo! He just dresses in pure black and never talks to anyone!
Max: *eye roll* Fine. Emo wannabe.
Angel: I know random facts!
Gazzy: I wanna see a cow. *equally random*
Max: Angel, I love you. Gazzy, Ig, you two are idiots. Shut up, both of you.
Nudge: What about me?
Max: *ignores Nudge*
Iggy: ...I didn't even say anything.
Max: Gazzy did, and you two are twins.
Iggy: Max, you do realize that I'm your age, right?
Max: Blasphemy! ...Anyways, we have to do this. Because it's helping people. And stuff.
Fang: *nods* Emo.
Max: When we were told to save the world by the voices, didn't you know that it applied to all people? We'd have to save people one at a time. Drop medical help, feed them, volunteer at the soup kitchen...this is our destiny.
Angel: I'm sucking up now to increase my chance at ruling the flock.
Iggy: ...Sorry, I missed the part where you became Little Miss Superman. Why is it our responsibility? There are plenty of people who can do better jobs at it-wings don't give us a major advantage. We're slower than planes, and fuel doesn't cost all that much more than what we eat. In any case, I can understand charity labour, but do you really think that dragging the younger kids along is a good idea?
Max: Wait, why are you referring to the younger kids in third person? Oh, and you're a Twit.
Narrator: Yep, folks. She's a regular Mother Teresa.
Fang: *nods*
Max: *giggle spasm* Oh, look. Enemies. Time for a dramatic fight scene!
Soliloquy: We're always dodging things-bullets, which we can apparently dodge-eat your heart out, Keanu Reeves-mutant beings, who I could refer to as Erasers but choose not to for some reasons, and vehicles owned by James Bond villains. Luckily, these turned out to be just Cargo planes.
Fang: Emo.
Max: ...Wait, what was with all that drama?
Narrator: Patterson likes to end his chapters as excitingly as possible.
Enemies: We have guns! Which Max can apparently see from several miles away, through the dust, while flying.
Narrator: *eye roll* See what I mean?
Max: Son of a!
Soliloquy: We flew upwards, dodging bullets.
Max: Iggy, you're about to get squashed by the landing gears!
Iggy: Yeah. I know. I have ears, Einstein.
Max: Meh.
Soliloquy: I looked down, concentrating on the men-Oh sweet Jeebus, are those camels they're riding?! We're done for!!! Camels!!! In about half a second, my brain processed through the following thoughts lightning fast.
Fang.
Fang
Fang
Fang.
...Yeah, you totally saw that coming, didn't you?
Narrator: Do a barrel roll!
Max: ...What?
Iggy: Heh...good one, Nary.
Max: Now it's time to use my super special power. Which apparently I have forgotten about since book two. *dives at camel men*
Camel Men: We have camels. Thus, your attack is futile.
Max: Your camels are no match for my tunnel vision! Falcon kick, mother ****ers!
Soliloquy: There were ten heavily armed assassins-no match whatsoever for six unarmed teenagers, one being blind. These guys apparently haven't ever tried to shoot moving targets before. I nicked one of the guy's camel à la Grand Theft Auto, and I was stuck on it.
Fang: Emo!
Max: Yeah, yeah...I'm coming. *flies*
Soliloquy: Yeah...So far, so good. *slicks hair back*
Narrator: Max, I don't see how people trying to kill you signify that this mission's turning out well.
Max: Shut up. Anyways, who's ready to help the Africans! Say, "Aye!"
Nudge: Aye!
Narrator: Well...aren't you Miss Enthusiastic?
Max: It's called leadership, moron.
Patrick Rooney III: My name has a roman numeral in it. You shall never be as awesome as I am.
Narrator: Indeed.
Soliloquy: We were at a refugee camp, which consisted of tattered tents and mud huts-slightly better living conditions than what we were used to. I had the two useless characters-Iggy and Nudge-doing hard manual labour, Fang was, naturally, with me, setting up medical exam stations, and Gazzy and Angel were entertaining the refugee kids. The refugee kids were simple astounded by their blue eyes and blonde hair—silly, silly, black kids, who apparently have never seen Caucasian people before—and their wings, of course. And this place really put the perspective on things. Sure, I spent the first ten years of my life being tortured nonstop mentally and physically, followed by near starvation—and sure, maybe we only have months left before our expiration dates appear on our necks, but these people were starving. Clearly, our suffering pales in comparison with theirs.
Roger: Here are some rice sacks. They each weigh sixty pounds.
Max: Psh, I can carry them.
Roger: ...Really? That's more than half your weight, and most of your weight is in your wings.
Iggy: *eye roll* She's little miss Superman, remember?
Roger: Oh. Anyways, do you speak French?
Max: No, and I don't speak African either.
Roger: ...Um.
Iggy: ...And she calls me ignorant. Ladies and Gentlemen, the girl who's going to save the world.
Soliloquy: I gave the people rice, and it was extremely upsetting! As usual, I looked at Fang.
Max: It reminds me of—so long ago—before Jeb sprung us out of the dog crates..."
Narrator: ...Poorly placed –'s and, "Dog Crates," should be replaced with, "School." Meh. It had good build up, but seemed awkward in the end. I give it a C.
Soliloquy: Seeing all the people like this-that's what was making me upset. They were still waiting to be let out of their dog cages. (See, folks? That was a metaphor! What a good writer!) Then Angel approached, her hair a bit like a halo-misleading, in her case, not helped that much by her name-leading a small girl by the hand.
Angel: Hi. This is my new toy. I call her Jeanne. Jeanne, cut yourself.
Soliloquy: ...Definitely misleading. Anyways, the girl was extremely sweet and stuff. More so than Angel, even.
Jeanne: *cuts self*
Max: Oh no! A small puncture in her hand! Stop, Angel!
Angel: :D
Narrator: ...Did she just speak in emoticon?
Jeanne: *licks finger*
Max: Oh no! Call an ambulance! Call a medic! Call Superman!
Jeanne: *heals hand*
Max: ...The hell?
Narrator: Fin.
Note. We here at Team Omens aren't saying that starvation, death, disease, etc. is anything short of horrifyingly depressing, and are in full support of helping those who suffer. But...come on, you have to admit that the Flock-especially the other experiments, including the Erasers-have it pretty suckish.
Anyways, I'll be parodying about...five chapters at a time, as I read through the novel. I'll do my best to do one set of five daily-I might make it more, if enough people like the parody.