The Question

Disclaimer: "Merlin" is the property of Shine Television, I'm just borrowing it for a little non-profit fun.

Author's Note: AU from "The Disir", no big crisis with Mordred and Morgana pushing things to a head, Arthur's reign just continues on in the same fashion as it had during the time-skip between season 4 and 5.

King Arthur stood before his throne, his expression grim. A sorcerer had been captured... using magic to clean the king's personal chambers, of all insane things.

'Well, that finally explains why Merlin's chore were always done both more quickly and better when he wasn't in the public eye,' Arthur thought, then reprimanded himself for inappropriateness. 'A man's life is at stake here.' In Camelot there was only one sentence for the practice of magic.

'What do I care how he cleans my chimneys,' Arthur couldn't help but think. 'So Merlin used magic instead of a- a- whatever it is that people normally clean chimneys with. What does it matter so long as the damn thing doesn't catch fire?' Of course that wasn't the real issue and Arthur knew it.

There was a sorcerer who had remained hidden for years at the heart of Camelot. Who knew what evil plots he'd been behind. Magic was evil, Arthur knew that. It had killed both his parents and corrupted his sister. All these years, Merlin had been his confidant, had been at his side on so many adventures and quests. All that time Merlin had been lying to him.

'Merlin has been a fixture in my life for so many years. How is it possible that after so long I apparently don't know him at all?' Arthur wondered bitterly. 'I never would have believed Merlin would betray me.'

The palace guards opened the doors to the throne-room. The crowd of knights and courtiers drew back to allow the sorcerer to be brought before his king for sentencing. The knights were grimly silent; Gwaine was glaring at Arthur as if this whole mess were somehow his fault; but Arthur heard several of the courtiers laying odds on whether the sorcerer would sentenced to burn or if he'd be beheaded. Both Arthur and Gwaine turned furious looks on them until they shrunk back in fear.

The guards dragged Merlin in and threw him to his knees at Arthur's feet. They leveled their spears at the prisoner, ready to run him through should he so much as breath wrong. Merlin raised his head to meet Arthur's gaze, his expression determined but his eyes were hopeless. In his memories Arthur heard Merlin saying "There is no place for magic in Camelot."

"How much do you hate yourself?" Arthur found himself asking even though that certainly hadn't been on his list of things he had intended to confront Merlin with.

To everyone's shock, Merlin started laughing. For a moment Arthur was affronted, but it quickly turned to worry as he heard the note of hysteria underlying Merlin's laughter.

"Hate myself?" Merlin asked still struggling to get himself under control. "I suppose I can see why you'd think that. I have told you, more than once, that magic was evil and had no place in Camelot, yet here I stand, with magic running through my veins as much as blood. I only said that because I couldn't think of any other way to protect you."

"Protect me from what?" Arthur demanded.

"Yourself mostly," Merlin replied immediately. His expression turned serious. "You never would have forgiven yourself if you'd killed your father."

"He truly did trade my life for my mother's," Arthur whispered.

"I don't know but I doubt it." Merlin sighed. "Would he have reacted like he did if he'd gotten what he'd agreed on? Maybe Nimue was different before the Purge, but she was a vindictive bitch by the time I met her. Maybe she warned him that you have to take a life to create one, maybe she didn't. Maybe Uther thought he could trade the life of one of his servants or knights to satisfy the balance."

Arthur grimaced, he knew how his father had measured the value of life. "Why should I believe anything you say?" he demanded instead of acknowledging the possibility. "Why should I believe you've protected me when every other sorcerer I've met tries to kill me?"

Merlin gave Arthur an injured look. "I'd never hurt you."

Arthur looked away first. Merlin had been at his back in hundreds of skirmishes, he'd had unrestricted access to Arthur's quarters for years and most of all there were simply too many times when Merlin could have seen Arthur dead by simply doing nothing. "Why?" he asked.

Merlin smiled bitterly. "When I first came to Camelot I was told you were destined to unite Ablion and end the persecution of people like me," he said. "I didn't believe it, you didn't make a good first impression back then. But I couldn't just stand by and let you die because of something your father had done. Then he went and made me your servant and I got to know you. I realized you really could be that king. You want to be a fair and just ruler, you truly care about your people."

Merlin's shoulders slumped. "So I protected the person I could see you becoming. I told myself that, one day, I'd confess everything I'd done for you with my magic. And then either you'd understand that it's persecution that makes people evil, not magic. Or you wouldn't, but I'd have done my best and I could abandon Camelot with a clear conscious."

"Obviously you never did," Arthur said.

"It would have been better if I had," Merlin replied tiredly. "I had destiny, so did you, but in the end I loved you too much. I chose your safety and happiness over destiny, I chose to stay at your side, even if it was only as your servant, over the chance to see magic restored. Before I started to like you I could picture walking away, after..." he shook his head and smiled sadly

"You assume I'd allow a sorcerer to flout Camelot's law and simply leave," Arthur said darkly.

The spears pointed at Merlin suddenly ripped themselves from the guards' hands. "You assume you have the power to stop me," Merlin replied flatly. "I couldn't stand the idea that you might reject me... or the thought of leaving you defenseless. I don't hate myself, Arthur, I love you. Love you so much that there's nothing I wouldn't do for you, I've betrayed myself for you, been willing to die for you and I've killed for you, more often than I care to remember."

The hysterical laughter started bubbling up again. "Maybe you're right, maybe there is something wrong with me," Merlin declared. "Because I'm standing here waiting for you to pass judgement on me, and I still can't bring myself to leave your side. I've told you before, I'll serve you 'till the day I die... even if I die by your hand." He picked up one of the spears and held it out to Arthur. "But you are going to have to do it yourself."

"And you'll have to go through me," Gwaine declared pushing forward.

Merlin shook his head and a shimmering wall sprung up, isolating him and Arthur from the rest of the room.

"I'm tired Arthur," Merlin said. "At first I was fighting for a future where I didn't have to lie and hide and be afraid. But along the way I've lost so much: friends, the chance to have a family of my own, hope, innocence. I've done things I can't forgive myself for... And mistakes, I've made so many terrible mistakes. Too many mistakes, there's no chance now for that future. You're all I have left, Arthur, everything else is ashes. I can't walk away from you, so you're going to have to kill me if you don't want me."

Arthur stared at the spear with revulsion. Slowly he shook his head. "You're not the only one who's made mistakes. You do remember the unicorn?"

"Among others," Merlin said.

Arthur frowned at him. "But I've always had you at my side helping me to make right my mistakes. I think it's time you let me do the same for you."