Chapter 1
The Missing Sword
Auron was preparing Tidus for his very first battle against the Sinspawn that had just appeared before them. He unsheathed his katana and said, "Only attack the ones that matter. Ignore the rest and…" he trailed off when he saw Tidus giving him an aren't-you-forgetting-something-you-idiot look.
"Well," said Tidus when Auron didn't answer his facial expression.
Auron blinked shook his head and then with a smile he said, "Right! Your weapon…which I have right-" He looked down at his right hand and saw that the sword he was supposed to give Tidus was not there. He quickly looked to his left and then to his right. He looked above him and under a small rock behind him. He suddenly shrieked like a young girl a few times then went into fearful shock and was unable to move for a total of five hours.
Tidus, however did not notice this since he had been easily distracted by the five butterflies that flew past his face two seconds after he had said well. "Follow the butterflies! Follow the Butterflies! La la la la la la!" said Tidus in a gay voice as he danced ballerina-like after the now disturbed butterflies. In fact, they were so frightened by his strange behavior that they started pelting small grenades at Tidus which ended up making him cry as he was knocked off his feet and onto his butt. And this is how Tidus had become phobic of all things with wings. The butterflies cheered and then flew away.
The five hours were up and Tidus was easily distracted out of his crying by Auron moving again. Tidus jumped back to his feet, charged at Auron and tackled him. Auron, however, was a bit disoriented from being immobile for five hours and was not prepared for a full-Tidus-body-slam. He was knocked off his feet and was feeling very uneasy now that Tidus was sitting on top of him and giggling.
Meanwhile-most of the Sinspawn had fallen asleep or died from boredom and some had actually laughed so hard at Auron's shrieking and Tidus's ballerina act that they had laughed themselves into comas.
However, this did not seem important to Tidus and Auron was too scared at the moment to notice since Tidus only cared about getting his sword right then which he, Auron, could not find.
"Well, Auron," said Tidus, looking at him with real fire in his eyes, "Did you find my sword yet?" He got off of Auron and rose back to his feet and waited.
Auron also rose back to his feet and wiped the dust and dirt off his billowing red cloak. Before answering, he considered knocking himself unconscious; but he quickly decided against it since he feared that Tidus would steal his sake-filled gourd and do away with his hero, Super Chicken a.k.a. Cluck the Mighty. He shook his head and thought, No! That must never happen! So he simply replied, "Oh my God! Look," he pointed behind Tidus, "The butterflies are back!"
Without even bothering to check if Auron was lying, Tidus shrieked and somehow managed to ram his head into the ground like an ostrich does in the sand. After about four seconds, Tidus had a feeling that the vengeful butterflies had not in fact been behind him and that he had put a hole in a poorly made street with his perfectly perfect head. But when he tried to pull out he found that he was stuck. He scrunched his eyes shut and pulled as hard as he could until he thought his neck would break, but his head still did not budge. He slouched his shoulders and left his eyes closed.
Auron folded his arms looking quite pleased with himself. In fact he even did a little dance and sang a little song before he went back to his desperate search for that blasted sword.
Unfortunately, he didn't have time to actually start his search, since at that very moment Tidus opened his eyes and saw a large group of moths flying towards him and he could swear they were all carrying tiny lightsabers. Tidus immediately started shrieking hysterically.
Of course, the only thing Auron heard was the loud fart that was released from Tidus from his efforts to wrench his head out of the ground. The stench of the fart was so horrible that Auron ended up being knocked out after all…but only for a few minutes.
When Auron finally came to, he saw that Tidus was running around and flailing his arms like a madman, trying to escape the wrath of the angry mob of moths that did in fact have tiny lightsabers.
"A sword would be great right about now," shouted Tidus, frantically as Auron slowly rose to his feet.
Auron quickly looked for a place to hide but decided that he really should tell Tidus the truth about the sword. So he took a deep breath and said loudly, "I don't have it!"
Tidus turned around and charged back toward Auron, who started shrieking again, and then launched his attack. "Then I'll just take yours," growled Tidus as he leapt onto Auron and tried to wrench the sword from his hands.
Suddenly, Jerry Springer appeared and started to float around them as Tidus and Auron started beating the crap out of each other. The audience behind Jerry started chanting, "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"
One of the audience members looked up and shrieked, "AHHHHH! It's Sin!" He raised his gun and aimed it at Sin.
(a/n like that would actually work)
"Wait," said another audience member next to him.
"What," said the armed man impatiently.
"Shouldn't we tell Tidus and Auron that the Sinspawn have awoken and are launching an attack."
He seemed to consider this and even dropped his gun, but then out of thin air he pulled a missal launcher and aimed it at Sin. "Aw, who cares about them! Sin must die," he said, impatient again, and pulled the trigger.
Unfortunately, the launcher was facing the wrong way, so he ended up blowing up the entire audience…and Jerry…and the rest of the Sinspawn…and of course…himself.
Tidus and Auron froze from shock in the most awkward position imaginable. (So awkward that the writer of this story could not think of how to describe it.)
Auron gawked at the mass destruction and pushed Tidus off of him. He stood up and brushed the dirt off of his cloak a second time. "Geez… This is why I have to send you to the future," he grumbled to Tidus. He turned around and looked up at the gigantic water blob that was Sin. He shook his fist at it and shouted, "Damn you, Sin!"
However, Sin just gave him a look that might have said, 'Are you quite finished?' But Auron was far from being finished. He bent down and picked up a pile of rocks and started chucking them at the blob while saying, "You Ass! You donkey-you camel sucking slime spit-"
"Whoa, Auron," said Tidus also standing and brushing the dirt from his clothes, "I think you've said quite enough." When he finished brushing off his pants he noticed something attached to Auron's back. It took him a moment to realize what it was, but he did…eventually. He shrieked in anger and whined, "Auron! You have MY sword attached to your back!!" pauses momentarily "You Jerk," he mumbles.
"WHAT?!" growls Auron. Unable to believe that he would be THAT stupid, he reaches around to his back expecting to find nothing…but to his great horror his fingers wrap around the hilt of something he prays is not a sword and pulls it out of a sheath attached to his back. And to his even greater horror, the sword turns out to be THE sword. He gawks at it in still even greater horror.
"Wha-" he said, his face becoming very white. "Aw, son of a bitch, " he added and then fainted.
Tidus picked up his sword and did a little dance and was very happy. That is…he was happy until the horde of jedai moths came back, causing Tidus to shriek and faint as well.