So, after the longest wait eva, for which she is probably hating me now for, I have finally had time to get back to Lina's challenge.
Basically, this is a oneshot involving Draco x Hermione, jealous friends, Ginny cheating on Harry with Zabini, humor, and Snape making out with McGonagall due to a dare/bet.
Oh Lord. If you don't like this kind of shit, then WHY THE HELL ARE YOU READING IT??
Hi everybody! My name's Luna Lovegood. I'm sure you've heard of me. If you haven't...can I ask you why you're even in the Harry Potter category?
ANYWAY, here I am...to tell you the things that J K Rowling doesn't bother to put in her stories because she feels they are distracting people from the main plot of the story. I hate violence, so I'm going to tell you the lovey dovey side of things, where there is no murders or killing, there's only the joy of pregnancy...WITHOUT abortion...Good times, Good times.
Right. So, it was just a bright and sunny morning in my life. My friends had been acting kind of weird lately, and I didn't know why. When I went to breakfast that morning, I found that Hermione and Draco had fallen in love, if the little lovebirds floating around their heads had any indication whatsoever. I mean, you don't exactly go around putting lovebirds around people's heads unless they're in love! It's, like, against people's religion to do that! Well, anyway, Ron was glaring at Draco, which I thought was a very rude thing to do, because, you know, you shouldn't glare at people, it's just plain mean, so I stood in front of him and I waved my arms around, you know, to stop him glaring.
And then get this: that Draco guy didn't even THANK ME. I just saved him from several very vicious eye-bullets! I mean, pardon my French toast, but WHAT THE FUCK?! You're supposed to thank people! It's proper etiquette when they have just thrown themselves in front of you to prevent you injury from several eye daggers! Good God! Actually, no, not Good God, I meant Jumping Buddhas...I've recently decided to become Buddhist...it seems a much more peaceful religion than Christianity.
So I'm walking down the aisle again now, having recovered from my eye dagger wounds, and then I go and see Ginny and Harry. At first sight, you're all, like, "Awww, they're such a cute couple!", but then everything just starts to go straight down the tubes. I mean, first Hermione, and now Ginny. I...don't really know what the hell is going on, but Ginny's flirting with Zabini Blaise over at the Slytherin table. I mean, no lovebirds around their heads, but you can totally tell. She's like, blowing kisses to him and he's pretending to catch them. I mean, Ginny and BLAISE? That sounds like a salad dressing imported from Tibet! It's plain wrong!
I mean, I can understand Draco and Hermione, because Hermione was never going out with anyone anyway, but Ginny and BLAISE? Doesn't he know that Ginny and Harry are, like, the picture perfect couple? Guess not. And then Harry over there is just all oblivious to his surroundings...the Chosen One, ha! That kid couldn't CHOOSE what he wanted for breakfast, and you're now assuming that he's The Chosen One, who's going to save us from all our sins? In that case, kill me now. I don't trust him.
Furthermore, I can comprehend Draco and Hermione much better than I can Ginny and Blaise. Aside from the whole salad dressing comment, which I thought was quite logical and quite important to a couple's happiness, Draco and Hermione actually can...if you squint, look cute together. Oh, dear me, now Draco's standing up, and now Ron is too, and it looks as though they are going to pick a fight with each other...but instead, Draco calmly walks over, bends down, whispers something in Hermione's ear that's probably very inappropriate because it causes her to blush, smiles, kisses her on the cheek, and departs. I mean, WHO in the hell does that? Nobody does that! Except for...except for...PROFESSOR SNAPE?!
Jesus Lord! I swear to God - I mean, Buddha - there is something going quite wrong here! I don't know what it is, a case of the mumps, measles, food poisoning, I HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE, but something's not right! I mean, can YOU honestly say that your potions teacher has gone up to one of your other professors and whispered something probably very inappropriate in her ear that caused her to blush? Can you SAY that's ever happened to you before? I think Snape and Draco must be in cahoots with each other...I KNOW! THEY'RE SELLING ILLEGAL BAGS OF MARIJUANA!
And so, being the famous Private Investigator Luna Lovegood, I decided to investigate the weird things going on...
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With Draco and Hermione, the case was pretty much normal. I mean, no matter how hard I tried, I could not detect marijuana, ecstasy, or any other form of illegal drug on Draco's or Hermione's being. They just seemed like a normal couple, but I knew it was not true! It could not be true! Otherwise, Hermione wouldn't be going out with Draco in the first place!
So, I followed them around the castle for the better part of two hours, where, being the oblivious "couple" that they were, they did not notice me. But then again, I am a highly trained spy and therefore under the radar of all other mortal beings.
Anyway, they walked around the lake a few times, holding hands and kissing occasionally (Hermione doesn't even know if Draco has herpes or not, why did she kiss him? Oh, why, why?!), spent half an hour in a tree while I stood underneath the tree and observed them closely, and then departed to an empty classroom in the castle, which they promptly locked, and which you could hear...quite inappropriate activity going on. So, I decided to leave them there. Because, well, even though I am a spy, I am not one to be a Peeping Thomasina. No, sirree. I just hope they're using protection...
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Then, after that, I tracked down Ginny and Blaise. I was surprised that Harry wasn't around...okay, no, I wasn't surprised that he wasn't around. He was probably doing something very worthless, like snipping every little sticky-outish twig off his broomstick. Who takes the time to do that? He must have some rare form of OCD that does not allow for splinters...
At any rate, Ginny and Blaise were acting all lovey dovey toward each other, and I mean, I know my last name has the word LOVE in it, but seriously! My best friend is not going to make out with a boy who has the first name of some Tibetan salad dressing! So, using my fine acts of distraction, I screamed at them for seconds on end, and yet they did not hear me. I'm pretty surprised, because everyone else in the corridor turned and STARED at me. Yes, stared at me. After which I promptly began to be stabbed by several eye daggers...
And then Harry came down, completely pushing in between Blaise and Ginny's kiss, and I was all, "Yeah, you tell her, girl!" Wait. No, it was more like, "Yeah, Harry, you show him!" But, being oblivious and OCD with broomsticks, he came up to me and asked me if I was having a seizure. I mean, you can't exactly get much more stupid than that. If I was having a seizure, what logical person would ask me if I was having a seizure when it would be perfectly clear that I was having a seizure, and if I was having a seizure, I wouldn't even have been able to tell him I was having a seizure if I had been having a seizure at the time!
Anyway, I tried to tell him that no, I did not have a seizure, and why in the world was he asking me if I had a seizure, I would have hoped that he was smarter than that, that he should know that if a person was having a seizure, they could not tell someone else they would be having a seizure BECAUSE they were having a seizure! Well, he practically grabbed me in a very violent way, and marched me to the hospital wing, where he pushed me in and claimed that I was having a seizure. Before the door closed, I yelled at him that I was indeed not having a seizure, because if I had been having a seizure I wouldn't have been able to tell him that I was having a seizure, and I was MOST CERTAINLY NOT having a seizure anyway, so why would I need to tell them I was having a seizure if I wasn't really having a seizure, so that they could kick me out for lying about having a seizure when I was not actually having a seizure?
So anyway, I was locked in the hospital wing, because those stupid ladies thought I really was having a seizure, but since you obviously do not want to hear the word seizure anymore, I shall shut up about my non-existent seizure and continue on with the story...after I am DONE with my non-existent seizure, which, if you must know, will be not non-existent if Harry keeps talking about his broomstick and about how that crazy Luna girl had a seizure...
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After I escaped the hospital wing, well, more like, after I broke out of the hospital wing, I went to find the scoop on Snape and McGonagall. I mean, those two are like, polar opposites. You can't get much more opposite than them. I mean, it's like the North Pole and the South Pole, how they're on opposite sides of the world, but then...there's some similarities, the North Pole and the South Pole are both freakishly cold, so...no, that's not a good example. Forget I ever said that.
Well, I went to Professor Snape's office first, because, frankly, if there's one place I want to get out of the way, it's that one. So I walk down all 76 flights of stairs only to find that he's not there! What the French Toast!
So then I walk all the way back up 36 flights of stairs (You cannot call me fat now, I bet you have never walked 76 flights of stairs plus 36 more flights of stairs going up which I shall not bother to add up right now because my brain is still addled from that nonexistent seizure I just had) to Professor McGonagall's office, and what do I find there? Of course, professors are pretty stupid when you think about it, or when it comes to the ways of life. I mean, who leaves the door open and unlocked while they're making out on the freaking desk? That is so unsanitary! You don't know how many body parts that desk has touched before, god knows, you could get herpes from a desk!
But anyway, they're making out on the desk, and I'm standing there, I'm staring, and then that wicked little devil, Peeves, just whispers in my ear, "Enjoying the show, now are we?" And I scream. Yes, that's right, I scream. And then those metal shutter things go down the windows because the whole castle now thinks it's under attack, when I am actually screaming at a very disgusting thing. Would YOU like to see two of your teachers make out? I think not!
So Snape's all, "Oh, my dear God, we've been caught! It's the mafia!"
And I'm all, "No! It's not the mafia, it's me, Luna Lovegood! Why are you making out on the desk with Professor McGonagall?!"
And then he claims, "No, no, please, don't hurt me! I've wanted to be in the mafia for years! I was just making out with this mortal woman because I had a dare from another member of the mafia! Please, oh Mistress, do not harm me for succumbing to the desires of the flesh!"
Well, you know, then people come running, and then they discover me, and as a result, discover the two teachers, on the desk, with Snape blubbering about how he's been a lifelong fan of the mafia, pointing to his Dark Mark, and claiming that a previous mafia branded him already, so why couldn't my mafia accept him and blah blah blah...
But Professor Dumbledore would have none of it. He separated McGonagall and Snape, and gave me a month's detention for false alarm! I mean, WHAT IN THE FRENCH TOAST?! WHO DOES THAT?!
So now, I'm sitting here in detention, writing this story instead of my lines. Professor Snape won't care, I know he won't. He still thinks I'm the leader of the Mafia. And not just A Mafia, but THE Mafia. So, therefore, he's doing my lines for me. How nice life is when you can mislead people.
So, over the course of a few hours, I've heard lots of inappropriate activity, was thought to be having a seizure, thought to be the leader of the Mafia, walked up and down a gazillion flights of stairs, and caught Professors Snape and McGonagall making out on a herpes-infected desk. Boy, life sure is interesting when you read between the lines, huh?
So, how did you guys like that? It's REALLY OOC, but if you guys are reading this, then you probably already know that. At any rate, thanks for reading, click that review button, and tell me how I'm doing!
And while you're here, you may as well click on my penname and check out my other stories, too, yeah?