Oh my. Another sad-ish fic. Plus, it's my first ever songfic, which is odd. I normally dislike songfics, but this just felt wrong without a song or something. I also tried a new way of writing dialogue...So, enjoy, in a weird way. Is it possible to "enjoy" a sad fic? I dunno, do your best.
Also, this is a celebration of the new Order of the Phoenix movie. I'm not going to tell you what I thought of it, because I don't want to offend anyone or whatever (And don't assume anything by that, I've heard both good and bad about it, so I'm trying to stay neutral). This fic is dedicated to the boy who called me a "freaking muggle" at the movie last night (I chose to be comfortable in jeans instead of dressing up in a robe and all that). "Well," I responded, "At least I admit that I can't do magic, you poser!"
Okay I didn't say that, we were in passing and I didn't get a chance to. But wouldn't it have been cool if I did???
WARNING: Slashiness and sadness. And mebbe angsty-ness???
Lyrics from "Rain" By Breaking Benjamin
Take a photograph,
It'll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here…
Ron hears the motel door slam behind him as he hears Draco yell words of anger and hate. Words that aren't truly meant. Words that reflect what Draco should be feeling. What he wants to be feeling.
Ron closes his eyes and reminds himself that it was the right thing to do. Their relationship was too risky. There was too much to lose.
Slowly he begins to walk away.
I don't have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say…
The feelings that are beginning to form, the attachments...they all have to go. Every time there is a battle he watches as Draco fights for the other side, and not once has he seen Draco question which side he is on. Draco is a Death Eater, and Ron is a member of the Order. Neither can ever completely trust the other. And Ron knows that without trust there can be no love. Only a shadow of it.
Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.
While the stupid war rages on, there is never a chance for them. No matter how badly both sides want it all to end, it can't without serious loss of life. Everyone would feel the aftermath of it. Even if the war ends today, no matter which side wins, either 'Draco Malfoy the Death Eater' or 'Ronald Weasley the Blood Traitor' would be sentenced to death. Their relationship would never have a chance.
Is it you I want,
Or just the notion of
A heart to wrap around so I can find my way around
Ron wonders frequently why he gets so much from Draco. What is it that an evil Death Eater has that his loving friends and family don't? Why does he find Draco's arms so comforting when he knows Draco killed many of Ron's own the same day? It is hard to imagine that the soft hands that caress his body almost every night are the same hands that murder countless people almost every day.
Ron leans against a building, finding he has begun to cry.
No matter how much he questions it, he knows why Draco is so...special. It's because Draco is something to him. Even if it isn't love, it is a feeling that comes from knowing it could be love. Could be love if Ron isn't always worried about giving too much away that Draco could take back to the Death Eaters. Ron always hopes Draco is more loyal to him, but he can't be sure.
He knows Malfoy must get something from it all. Why else would he allow himself to go to such filthy, rundown places to meet Ron? They are always dreadful; the only pleasant one was the first place they met because it at least had clean sheets and a shower without roaches. The Draco Malfoy from Ron's Hogwarts days was a bratty, self-centered, and pampered boy who wouldn't be seen dead in old robes; no doubt he would die straight out if he saw the places they met. The motel of choice tonight was not too bad, although the sticky substance that covered the walls did worry Ron a bit. Of course Ron knows that meeting in expensive places is out of the question. Extravagance attracts attention, and that is the last thing they need. So why did Draco meet Ron? Why was he so upset when Ron told him 'no' a few moments ago? Ron wants to think it means Draco has feelings for him, but he knows that allowing himself to hope in vain could end in heartbreak.
This-this combination of love and pain- is too much to bear. Which is why Ron has to end it.
Suddenly he hears footsteps and slowly puts his hand into his robes, his fingers closing around the Willow of his wand. Cautiously he looks around the corner.
Draco is looking back at him.
-Come back to me.-
-I told you Draco, this has to end.-
-It doesn't. You're just saying that because you're scared.-
-And why shouldn't I be, Draco? You make me feel things I shouldn't be feeling.-
Draco steps closer -Why shouldn't you?- It is more of a plea than question.
-Because. I can't trust you. You're one of the enemy. Every time we meet I'm afraid you'll turn on me.- Ron knows this is a lie, he knows deep down that Draco would never turn on him unless it was to his own benefit, but Ron needs something; some sort of excuse that Draco won't get upset with.
-It's just sex, Ron.-
Safe to say from here,
You're getting closer now,
We are never sad 'cause we are not allowed to be
Ron notices the conversation taking a turn that he doesn't want heard or said in public, so he takes Draco by the elbow and leads him back to the motel, back to the dusty room.
-You know that's not true, Draco. I could get sex from someone on my own side. And you could too. Why does it have to be you? Why does it have to be me?-
-Why does it matter? Why can't we just feel together, Ron?-With these words, Ron knows that Draco is just as confused as he is. But unlike Ron, Draco lets himself trust in the feeling and ignore everything that's wrong with it. He wants it, and that's all there is to it. Ron wishes it could be so simple for him. Draco already has a twisted conscience, but Ron's friends trust him.
Isn't he breaking that trust by having an affair with someone who kills innocent people?
-Because when it's over and I return to my friends I know that I'm betraying them and every time I open my mouth I just want to tell the truth. I'm not a liar, Draco.- This is also untrue; Ron has found that he's quite exceptional at lying. The truth is that when it's over Ron knows that someday it will be completely over, and he would rather end it now and forget about it than know it could never be. But he could never say this to Draco, could he? A few moments ago Draco had called their relationship 'just sex'. Ron doesn't think that what is left of his pride could take it if Draco heard Ron's fears and laughed at the sentiments.
Draco doesn't have a response to the inner struggles of Ronald Weasley, but instead tugs him closer and presses their mouths together. Ron's head screams at him to pull away, but with a whine he gives up and kisses back, just wanting the world to fade away so he can feel with Draco forever.
Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.
The war has gone on too long. It has affected everyone. Things that were once gray are now black and white. Earlier on, when things weren't so grim, Draco might have been given a few years in Azkaban. Now he would be sentenced to death without a trial. Ron just wants the killings and deaths to stop. But at the same time, in a sick way, he dreads the end of the war, knowing that while it still rages on they can meet and be together in secret...but once it's over...Ron lets himself fantasize about running away with Draco and hiding in the countryside, but only for a few moments until he drags himself back to reality where it would be impossible.
To lie here under you,
Is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all...
To lie here under you,
Is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all...
Ron never notices Draco removing their clothing or falling to the bed until he feels himself inside and all around Draco as they create their own sensual rhythm that has absolutely nothing to do with good and evil or right and wrong but instead is all about touch and there and rightfuckingnow. Telling himself just to feel, just be with Draco. Think about it later. Later. After. After the sweat and the skin on skin and the lips caressing his neck and the hair brushing his cheek and the legs wrapped around him. After Draco touches his face so gently when it's over, kissing his cheek and running his fingers through Ron's hair... after Draco falls asleep, accidentally murmuring a soft -I love you.- into Ron's ear.
Ron's been waiting to hear these words since it began, and now that they are finally said he becomes angry. Angry at Voldemort and Harry and The Order and Magic and everything that makes those words insignificant. Everything that denies him happiness. He can't be with Draco and be happy, but he can't be without him and be happy.
Ron know's he shouldn't, but he forces his thoughts away from this and into the warm, welcoming realm of denial. He knows that when it's over it will hurt even more, but for now he just follows Draco into the comforting depths of sleep.
Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.
All the world is waiting for the sun.
--
Why do I keep getting inspiration for sad fics? Why why why??? And why are they always sappy and cliched?
I'm really questioning the songfic-y-ness...I'm not sure if it works or if it just takes away from it...
And what do you all think about the dialogue? I'm thinking the bolding was too much, but I wanted it to really stand out against the other writing and the lyrics.
please let me know and review!