Disclaimer: If I owned Doctor Who, I would be flying around in a TARDIS with Ten right now. You figure it out.
And I also don't own Arrested Development.
I DO own the awesome dog Andy and am an aunt to the other awesome dog, Nathan. You guys are cooler than all the bowties, fezzes, and Stetsons in the world. :)
A/N: Unless you are me or someone close to me, you may not get some of these jokes. There is a reason for that. This was originally written as a birthday present for my fiance and he suggested I upload it here to see if anyone else might enjoy my strange brand of humor. I hope you do.
Allons-y!
. . .
MATT'S BIRTHDAY: A STORY OF RANDOMNESS
EXT. A DARK ALLEY
Three men in trench coats menacingly APPROACH a blue police box. MAN 1 knocks on the door of the police box. Out steps . . . the NINTH DOCTOR dressed in a leather jacket with a curious expression.
MAN 1: Are you the Ninth Doctor?
NINTH DOCTOR: Yes, can I help you?
MAN 2: We have APPROACHED YOU at the request of a very important woman. She needs your help.
NINTH DOCTOR: What woman? Is it Rose?
MAN 3: That's none of your concern.
NINTH DOCTOR: What does she need help with, then? Is it aliens? I'm good with aliens.
MAN 1: That's none of your concern.
NINTH DOCTOR: Well, I'm not going to help unless you tell me what the problem is. I'm nine hundred years old, I'm not an idiot.
MAN 2: Alright, then.
MAN 3: I should say something so that all three of us have said something. It's a literary device.
The three men walk away.
NINTH DOCTOR: That was anticlimactic.
RANDOM WOMAN'S VOICE: Yeah, I couldn't think of an interesting way to start the story.
NINTH DOCTOR: Who's that? Are you the very important woman?
RANDOM WOMAN'S VOICE: Maaaybe.
MAEBY FUMKE: Nope, that's me.
NINTH DOCTOR: What?
TENTH DOCTOR: What?
RANDOM WOMAN'S VOICE WHO MAY BE THE VERY IMPORTANT WOMAN: DAVID TENNANT!
TENTH DOCTOR: What?
RANDOM WOMAN'S VOICE WHO MAY BE THE V.I.W. squeals excitedly.
NINTH DOCTOR: OK, what the hell is going on here? Who are you? WHERE are you?
RANDOM WOMAN'S VOICE WHO MAY BE THE V.I.W.: Somewhere MYSTERIOUS! And there's no need to use that much punctuation. Also, I'm inside the TARDIS.
NINTH DOCTOR: What?
TENTH DOCTOR: What?
The door of the TARDIS swings open.
RANDOM WOMAN'S VOICE WHO MAY BE THE V.I.W.: Come in. And bring David Tennant. I want to have sex with him.
. . .
INT. THE TARDIS
The NINTH AND TENTH DOCTORS enter the TARDIS. There is the RANDOM WOMAN with two AWESOME DOGS next to her. The NINTH DOCTOR scans her with his sonic screwdriver and no, that is not an innuendo. However, the TENTH DOCTOR's sonic screwdriver IS an innuendo, but that will come later. NOT-SO-SUBTLE FORESHADOWING!
NINTH DOCTOR: You're . . . you're human. How did you get in here?
RANDOM WOMAN: Timey-wimey wibbly-wobbly. Also, I couldn't be bothered thinking up a proper scientific explanation. I don't have much time to write this thing.
NINTH DOCTOR: Fair enough, but who are you?
RANDOM WOMAN: I am . . . LIZZY LOVEGOOD! And these two AWESOME DOGS are ANDY and NATHAN.
ANDY: I am awesome!
NATHAN: I'm awesome, too!
NINTH DOCTOR: Fantastic!
TENTH DOCTOR: Allons-y!
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: DAVID TENNANT!
NINTH DOCTOR: So you're the VERY IMPORTANT WOMAN those three men MENACINGLY APPROACHED me about?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: No, they were going to ask you about doing the Fiftieth Anniversary episode of Doctor Who. My thing's different.
NINTH DOCTOR: Oh. Is it aliens?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: Nope.
NINTH DOCTOR: Is it the Master?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: Nope.
NINTH DOCTOR: Is it that your boyfriend's birthday is tomorrow and he hates gifts so you're writing him something instead and I'm his favorite incarnation of the Doctor so you need me to go on an adventure with his favorite companion so that you can write about it and give it to him as a present?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: Well, he's my fiance and it is his birthday by now seeing as it's 12:09 AM, but otherwise that was a really good guess.
NINTH DOCTOR: I'm a Time Lord, I've seen a thousand universes die and have saved a thousand more. I think I'd be a pretty good guesser by now.
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: Will you do it, then?
NINTH DOCTOR: Sure, why not? Should I go get Rose?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: Oh, no, Rose isn't his favorite companion.
NINTH DOCTOR: Is it Mickey the Idiot?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: Nope.
TENTH DOCTOR: Is it Donna Noble or Wilfred Mott?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: Nope.
ELEVENTH DOCTOR: Is it Amy Pond, Rory Williams, River Song, or Clara the Impossible Girl?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: Nope. How is it even possible you're missing this name right now? It's like this whole scene was set up to list all of the main companions so that only one would be left. . . .
MARTHA JONES: It's ME!
MICHAEL BLUTH: Her?
NINTH DOCTOR: Right . . . who are you?
MARTHA JONES: I'm Martha Jones! And you're not as hot as the Tenth Doctor. Or as Matt.
NINTH DOCTOR: Who's Matt?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: My fiance. Basically, you guys are going to have an adventure and then go and pick him up in the TARDIS. Then you'll have sex with him, Martha.
MARTHA JONES: Cool, I am not repulsed by that at all!
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: Awesome!
MARTHA JONES and LIZZY LOVEGOOD high-five.
MARTHA JONES: But doesn't it bother you that I'm having sex with your fiance?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: It's OK, I'm having sex with David Tennant, so it's all good.
TENTH DOCTOR: Oh, yes.
MARTHA JONES: Fair enough.
NINTH DOCTOR: So, what's the plan?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: I . . . don't really have one, you're the Doctor, you're constantly running into danger. I figured you'd think of something.
NINTH DOCTOR: Fantastic, that's my favorite! We'll go to London, that's where all the disasters seem to happen. . . .
The TARDIS starts making the TARDIS-y noise.
RIVER SONG: You left the parking brake on!
NINTH DOCTOR: Who are you?
RIVER SONG: Your future wife. SPOILERS!
RIVER SONG runs away. Well, flies away since they're currently rushing through time and space. Not really sure how that works. Shut up, it's my story.
. . .
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN LONDON. LET'S SAY THEY'RE OUTSIDE BIG BEN, THAT'S ONE OF THE FEW BRITISH LANDMARKS THAT I KNOW.
NINTH DOCTOR: Where to now?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: Just wait around, I guess. Bad stuff always happens here.
Suddenly, THE BIG BEN blows up!
MARTHA JONES: That was quick.
NINTH DOCTOR: Daleks. . . .
DALEKS: EXTERMINATE!
TENTH DOCTOR: Cybermen. . . .
CYBERMEN: Prepare to be upgraded.
ELEVENTH DOCTOR: The Sile- . . . who was I talking about?
THE SILENCE: . . . .
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: It's the Doctors' worst enemies all in one place! This could only be engineered by the writer of an incredibly random story!
MARTHA JONES: What do we do, Doctors?
TENTH DOCTOR: Aren't you supposed to be the smart companion?
MARTHA JONES: Yes, but Lizzy needed SOMEONE to say that line. She's the writer and probably knows what's going to happen ahead of time.
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: LOL.
MARTHA JONES: And all of you are really smart so you're probably already concocting an escape plan in your humongous brains.
NINTH, TENTH, AND ELEVENTH DOCTORS: LOL.
MARTH JONES: So, seeing as I'm the only remaining human, I had to do it. But I DO have a plan!
NINTH DOCTOR: Fantastic!
TENTH DOCTOR: Allons-y!
ELEVENTH DOCTOR: Geronimo!
MARTHA JONES: Alright, Ninth and Tenth Doctors, get the Daleks and Cybermen to fight each other. Daleks are naturally violent but since Cybermen used to be human, they'll need a bit of . . . persuasion.
NINTH DOCTOR: You're going to have SEX with the Cybermen?
MARTHA JONES: What? No – I was going to use logic! And also my sex appeal. Oh, Cybermen!
CYBERMEN: Prepare to be upgraded.
MARTHA JONES: Are you sure you want to do that? I mean, you're just a bunch of metal and look at us, all flesh and bone and blood. It's pretty awesome. Believe me, I know, I'm training to be a doctor.
DALEKS: Doctor?
MARTHA JONES: With a lowercase d. Anyway Cybermen, we're human and we have feelings and are just altogether awesome. Like this woman, Lizzy Lovegood.
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: Hi.
MARTHA JONES: She's VERY important because she's gathered us all here just so she can write a story about it to give to her fiance as a birthday present.
CYBERMEN: Wow. We'll leave you two alone, then.
NINTH DOCTOR: Wait, you can't upgrade us, either! We're Time Lords, not humans, and the upgrade wouldn't work on us.
CYBERMEN: Really?
NINTH DOCTOR: Yep.
MARTHA JONES: And as for the rest of humanity, they're not all as great as me or Lizzy but being all metal and homicidal is even worse.
CYBERMEN: Oh. Then who CAN we upgrade?
NINTH DOCTOR: The Daleks! They didn't even start out as human, they're just monsters and you need to show them who's boss!
TENTH DOCTOR: And Daleks, the Cybermen are even worse than regular humans because they BELIEVE they can defeat you! Exterminate them!
DALEKS: EXTERMINATE!
CYBERMEN: PREPARE TO BE UPGRADED!
ELEVENTH DOCTOR: Now there's just the Sile- . . . the other guys. Where'd they go?
ANDY: They're behind you!
MARTHA JONES: Wait – Andy, you can see them.
ANDY: Yep, their powers only affect human or human-type people. Nathan and I can take care of them for you. We're AWESOME!
NATHAN: In return for unlimited TREATS!
NINTH DOCTOR: Fantastic!
TENTH DOCTOR: Allons-y! Sic 'em, you AWESOME DOGS!
ANDY and NATHAN attack and kill the Silence.
ELEVENTH DOCTOR: You guys are cooler than bowties!
ANDY: Thanks, Doctors, Martha, and Mommy! Where's Daddy?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: He'll be here soon, Andy.
MARTHA JONES: Awesome, then I can have sex with him!
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: Yep. And in the meantime, Doctor. . . .
NINTH, TENTH, AND ELEVENTH DOCTORS: Yes?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: David Tennant Doctor.
TENTH DOCTOR: Yep?
LIZZY LOVEGOOD: How about we go back to the TARDIS and play with your . . . sonic screwdriver. Remember the foreshadowing?
TENTH DOCTOR: Yes, that was VERY SUBTLE. I hardly picked up on that at all.
The TENTH DOCTOR and LIZZY LOVEGOOD exit.
ELEVENTH DOCTOR: Well, this is getting awkward now. I'm going to go find River, she's cool.
NINTH DOCTOR: See you later, Doctor.
ANDY: Let's go find, Daddy!
NATHAN: I MISS HIM!
MARTHA JONES: He'll be here soon, Andy. Now we just have to wait for him to finish reading the story so he can read:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MATT!
-FROM LIZ, ANDY, NATHAN, THE NINTH, TENTH, AND ELEVENTH DOCTORS, AND MARTHA JONES