A/N: Please, bear in mind that this is a story about a renegade FemShep and, as it happens in the game, this Kaidan here is influenced by her renegade personality. This Kaidan and Shepard's saga will continue in my other fic "Across the Universe".
Written for the Secret Santa Fic Exchange we had at CMDA as a gift to Saga Svanhildr.
Step Inside Love
She was one of the Alliance's most valued officers, but also one of their best kept secrets. The one they called to clean up their messes. Their go-to woman when they needed to make something go away fast. She always got the job done, not matter what; the Butcher of Torfan. She did not follow safety protocols, she had a blatant disregard for rules, but she got away with it, because when the Alliance called her, they had no one else to turn to. She was not their poster girl, she was their last resort, this woman who had started her life as a criminal. Poverty, hunger, drugs, violence, abuse — that was all she had known while growing up on the streets of one of Earth's largest and poorest metropolises.
When Kaidan Alenko had first met her, they had been on the Normandy SR-1, on course to Eden Prime. Nihlus Kryik had been on board and, while talking to him and Joker, she had said they wouldn't have sent a Spectre on a simple shakedown run. The moment she had left the cockpit, Joker had muttered that she was trouble and that they wouldn't have sent her on some simple shakedown run either.
Kaidan was not comfortable having someone with that reputation as CO. A true renegade, many would say about her. The kind who cut corners, she was, and he did not like that kind. However, being constantly on her ground team, he learned that the reality of working with Commander Shepard was very different from the scuttlebutt one would hear about her. She didn't get the job done because she was some cold, calculating bitch, like most people would say she was; she did it because she was a hell of a shot, a brilliant strategist and a damn good leader. She gave these great speeches that would motivate anyone to follow her into hell itself and give their lives for the mission; she easily recognized the weaknesses of everyone in her team and paired them accordingly for maximum strength and efficiency. Although she had a short fuse and a penchant for telling people off, she never refused her help to anyone who'd ask.
And, hanging out with her and the crew on the little downtime they had between missions, he realized she was human, too — not the goddess or the devil people usually made of her; just a woman. She hated needles and always grimaced and squeezed her eyes shut when Doctor Chakwas needed to give her a shot. She had this cute, girly tattoo of a butterfly on her shoulder blade. She was a messy eater and would always get leftover sauce on the corner of her mouth. She kept changing her hair style and color. Human. A woman.
There were also these heartbreaking details about her past life that she would hide from everyone but him. Of course Commander Badass Shepard didn't make a habit of getting up close and personal with her crew. That she had gotten closer to him had been an exception and, at first, it had happened because she had needed him.
When she had become the first human Spectre and her face had appeared on the news all over the galaxy, she had also become a celebrity of sorts among both humans and aliens. All eyes were on her and she could not fail. Each step she took, the Alliance and the Council would ask her to write a detailed report on it, and since she had never received a proper education and had only learned English after she had joined the Alliance, writing a report adequately could be a real challenge. Getting the English spelling and grammar right was a struggle for her, so she had asked him to help her with that, saying that if there was someone on her crew that she trusted to be discreet about that shortcoming of hers and not mention it to anyone, it was him.
She had been right, of course, and yes, at first she had approached him because she'd needed him. But then, at some point, they had begun spending time together because they wanted to and enjoyed each other's company. She had opened herself up to him and had told him her side of all the stories he had heard about her. The real Shepard was very different from the Butcher of the crew quarters' late-night tales and gossip.
Before he knew it, he was head over heels for her – feeling jealous when Liara asked to see her in private, overly protective of her during combat, and worried sick when she didn't bring him along on some mission, because he had been overly protective of her on their last time planetside.
He couldn't help it. When he loved someone, it was with everything he got, his body and soul. That was why seeing Rahna get hurt back when they were at Brain Camp had driven him to kill a man. And that was also why he hadn't pursued many serious relationships in his life. He would never let himself get too involved, he would always leave a way out, and his work would always come first. That was until he met Shepard and then he promptly tossed regs and professionalism out of the airlock as he just couldn't seem to stop staring at her all the time and kept flirting with her every chance he got.
He still wasn't sure on how or when to act on it, to take the next step and turn their teasing into something concrete, to make it finally happen; but if there was one thing he was sure of, it was that he couldn't let their tour end without giving them a chance.
The Normandy had just been grounded at the Citadel and Kaidan went looking for Shepard in the mess. She'd probably want to vent and also try to figure out what to do next, so he went after her to let her know that he was there for her and that they would find a way.
He heard her before he saw her, her frustrated cry and the thud of a punch landing on her locker door.
Kaidan took a few steps towards her and as she saw him, she looked around to make sure there was no one else in the mess and then slumped on the floor, looking tired and defeated. To think that she trusted him that much, to the point that she would let herself be vulnerable in front of him; it was astounding and frightening at the same time. If only he could pull her into his arms and comfort her…
For everyone else in the galaxy, she was the renegade Alliance soldier, the arrogant human Spectre, the ruthless Butcher. But right now, only for him, she was just Shepard.
"Maybe we need to take a little initiative," she finally said, after he had managed to cheer her up a bit.
"You have something up your sleeve, Shepard? Wait, what am I saying? When don't you? That's what I lo– appreciate about you." He did love her and it was not the first time that he had almost let that slip out during a conversation. But just blurting them in her face during some casual, meaningless chat, was not how he wanted to tell her those three words for the first time.
However, she was on to him, and gave him a wicked half-smile. "Careful, Kaidan. When this is over, I might pay more attention to what you say."
He blushed, a little embarrassed, but recovered quickly. "So it's back to business after playing me? You're something else, you know?"
She laughed until his eyes caught hers again and then her gaze turned dark and mischievous, her tongue darting out to moisten her lips.
If she was trying to drive him insane, well, it was working.
As he helped her up, he couldn't resist pulling her with a little more force than necessary, just to make her come crashing against him. There was nothing he wanted more at that moment than an excuse to have his arms around her.
It turned out even better than he expected when she promptly slid her arms around him too, one hand snaking up his neck and into his hair. They looked into each other's eyes and she was so close now, he could barely focus. Her breath blew warm against his lips, raising goose bumps on his skin. His heart was pounding in his ears as he closed that mere inch that was keeping them apart and their lips connected, softly, slowly, tentatively.
"SORRY TO INTERRUPT, COMMANDER. GOT A MESSAGE FROM CAPTAIN ANDERSON," Joker's voice resonated in the mess, making them separate abruptly. Kaidan didn't think he had ever heard a noise so loud and annoying in his entire life. Ever.
Their… kiss? That fleeting contact of their lips, too little, too fast, ending before it had even started, it had been so not enough. He hated that that moment had been stolen from them. It was damned unfair.
It wasn't fair either how put together Shepard sounded and looked only one second later, when she asked Joker what the message was about, while Kaidan was still all bothered and worked up by their almost-first kiss.
"All he said it was for you to meet him at that club in the wards – Flux," the helmsman replied.
She practically bounced on her feet, so excited was she to hear that. "He must have an idea to get us out of here. I have to go, Kaidan. Thank you for the pep talk. For once, I was the one who needed it." She winked at him and smiling brightly, she turned on her heels, already rushing for the elevator.
He sighed and looked down, rubbing the back of his neck. "Sure. Any time, Commander," he said, but doubted she was still in listening range.
All he could do now was hope he would have another chance with her, but a perfect opportunity like this one, where everything seemed to be conspiring in their favor for a change… He knew moments like this — for people like them, who lived the lives they lived — were as rare as they come, especially now that they were probably about to retake their mad and potentially fatal chase after Saren and a damned reaper.
Disappointed, he lowered his face to his palms and rubbed his eyes. When he looked up again, Shepard was right in front of him. That teasing half-smile that he loved so much was on her lips until she pushed them against his, so eager and determined that, for a second there, he doubted it was really happening. As he opened his mouth to taste her, it was like all the galaxy's problems were someone else's responsibility and the only thing waiting for them around the corner was some cheesy, but much welcome happily ever after.
With one arm curled around her waist, he pulled her flush against him, enjoying the warmth that spread throughout his body as he felt her breasts pressed against his chest. Burying his other hand in her hair, he angled her head to deepen the kiss, making her gasp and moan in his mouth. His control slipped and dark energy rippled through his skin, washing them in cool biotic flames.
She shivered in his arms and tightened her own around him. The kiss that had started hungry and desperate, at some point had turned gentle and loving, and then it became fervent and passionate as she worried his lower lip between her teeth and he backed her against the nearest wall, his leg sliding between her thighs.
His hands were running over her sides and hers were squeezing his ass when the elevator door whooshed closed, the noise reminding them they were in the Normandy's mess. Reluctantly, they broke the kiss.
Panting and flustered and not quite ready to be apart just yet, they rested their foreheads against each other. His hand that was twined in her hair slid down to cup her face, his thumb lightly gliding over the soft skin of her cheek.
"Come with me to see Anderson." It sounded nothing like an order. It was sexy and low, more like a purr, and he felt tempted to drag her to her quarters instead, the galaxy be damned. Maybe later, perhaps? He could only hope… "And it's Stella for you, Kaidan," she murmured to his lips.
God, that woman was killing him. "You're unpredictable, Stella," he grinned, gently lifting her chin so he could look her in the eyes. "It's one of things I love about you."