In Open Arms

by Johanna-002

Biology, the least of what makes you a parent. A simple act of kindness had sparked their relationship, but it was a magnitude of events that had unfolded later, which kept them together.

Title: In Open Arms

Summary: Biology, the least of what makes you a parent. A simple act of kindness had sparked their relationship, but it was a magnitude of events that had unfolded later, which kept them together.

Disclaimer: I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do however, own my writing so please don't steal- Johanna002©

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A/N: AliceSloane13 has helped me so much with this… well, to be honest; she's only harassed me to finish it. This takes place roughly 4 years post prison.

It had been a long day and was going to be an even longer night. Red angrily cut away at the onions on the cutting board in front of her. She buried herself in her work, hoping the rhythmic movement of the knife would bring her a sense of relief. She felt so incredibly stressed and her spine felt as if it had ignited into flames, as if there were daggers protruding from her back.

Nicky had called her a couple of hours ago, timidly asking for permission to invite Marka to dinner. It had taken Red a great deal of strength, and several deep, calming breaths to assure Nicky that it was okay to extend an invitation.

"Of course Nicky, if you want her here than she's always welcome!" Thinking back on it Red could still feel the bitterness on her tongue as she spoke the words. Shaking her head she tried to push aside her feelings.

It pained her to realize she was jealous. Completely and utterly jealous that Nicky felt the need, an undeniable urge, to mend her relationship with Marka.

Shaking her head, she tried to dispel the selfish thoughts. It wasn't fair to want Nicky to herself. She deserved to have a relationship with her mother.

Her mother. Angrily, Red threw the knife into the sink. Her mind was no longer in this. She was angry and hurt, but she felt as if she had no right to be. It hurt her to come to that realization: She wasn't Nicky's mother. As much as she wanted to be, as much as she identified as such- she wasn't.

Wiping her hands off on her apron, she moved around the small kitchen of the apartment she shared with Nicky. She sunk slowly into a chair and sadly took in the cozy view of the living room. It had been nearly four years since she had been released from Litchfield, and two for Nicky, it had taken a lot of hard work and dedication but the pair of them had finally been able to establish a routine and a life for themselves.

They had been happy together, or at least, Red had thought they were happy. Out of nowhere, Nicky had approached her with the idea of reaching out to Marka. In the beginning Red had been supportive, almost positive that it wouldn't last long and selfishly praying that Marka would have run Nicky off in the first hour.

While there was a part of her that was happy for Nicky, completely thrilled that she was getting the relationship with Marka that she had desired; appreciative that Marka hadn't hurt her girl yet again, she couldn't help but feel as if she were slowly being replaced.

Her hands came up to rub forcefully at her temples and she groaned. It wasn't just Nicky and Marka's relationship that bothered her, if she were being completely honest. It was the way Marka imprinted herself into memories and situations that she had never been a part of. She was jealous- yes, but so was Nicky when she watched her interact with her sons and grandsons. As harsh of a reality as it was, they were learning to cope with the fact that they were never going to completely fit into one another's world.

Marka was all Nicky had left of life before prison, and she couldn't fault the girl for craving the woman's attention. Red herself would never give up her family, and she felt an immense amount of shame for wanting to ask Nicky to give that up.

"Zmeya!" Red hissed angrily under her breath, her hand forcefully slapping against the wood of the table. "That snake, slithering her way into my family."

The woman was manipulative and had knack for making you believe that she cared. In Marka's mind, it had been her decision to send Nicky to prison because she knew 'that only good would come from it'.

The memory of hearing Marka say that was enough to simply evoke Red's gag reflex to life; her hand came to her lips in an attempt to sooth herself. The shrill sound of her phone ringing aided her in pushing down the sickening feeling in her stomach. Moving quickly, she located the annoying device. Answering the incoming call from Nicky, she put the phone to her ear

"Hello?"

"Hey ma, just calling to let you know we will be there shortly."

Red nodded, mentally kicking herself for halting her cooking tasks. "Okay, dinner should be ready by the time you get here. Is Marka still joining us?"

"Yea, yea."

Nicky's raspy voice was music to her ears. She could hear the excitement, and it was enough to put a smile on her face. She would go to the end of the world for Nicky and her happiness. If an occasional dinner with Marka would keep the girl happy, then she could suffer through it.

"I'll see you when you get here. Be careful, love you."

"Always," Nicky's cheeky grin reverberated through phone, "lova ya."

Hanging up, Red shook her head softly and smiled. Nicky's voice had the power to reduce her into a melted puddle of goo. She was wrapped around her finger.

Turning, she went about her remaining tasks quickly. Nicky would be home soon and she promised to have dinner ready.

She had just pulled dinner from the oven when she heard the front door open and close.

"Home!" Nicky announced excitedly.

Red turned, and smiled as she spotted the golden, curly mane that she loved so much. "Moya lyubov'," She greeted, arms opening just in time to take Nicky into a hug.

She quickly kissed her temple, and didn't miss the way Marka's eyes rolled at the gesture. Nicky had been gone all day, and while she wasn't normally so open affectionate in front of others, she was determined to make it clear to Marka where exactly they stood. She didn't bother to hide her grin of satisfaction as Marka quietly excused herself, making her way to the bathroom.

Nicky was oblivious to the tension, thankful that she even had an opportunity to have dinner with both Red and Marka. She'd done her best to balance both relationships, and was appreciative at how receptive Red seemingly was with her decision to reunite and forge a relationship with Marka. "Thank you," she said gently, smiling softly.

Red smiled and nodded gently, "You're welcome, Nicky." She watched in amusement as Nicky set the table, eager to set a good impression. Nicky had diffused any awkwardness with random babble, unaware how grateful both Red and Marka were for her insistent chatter.

"So," Red said gently, after too many moments of silence had passed. She sat next to Nicky at the table across from Marka, and fidget uncomfortable in her seat "How was the afternoon together?"

"Fine," Nicky answered simply with a shrug.

Marka nodded her head in agreement. "We had a great time. Nicole got a little rowdy towards the end, but that's okay. We'll just try again another day."

Nicky rolled her eyes, and her hand came up to rake her fingers through the top of her hair. "I don't want to start this with you again. I don't want to leave."

"Leave where?" Red asked the concern evident in her tone. "Leave me?"

"No," Nicky reassured, her hand immediately seeking out Red's own. "Of course not."

"Leave her NA group at the church," Marka rolled her eyes in disgust. "She showed me where she meets with those people. I don't like it."

Inhaling deeply, Red allowed her gaze to settle on Marka. While she was pleased that Nicky wasn't planning to move out, she didn't like the way this line of talking was heading either. "She's happy there' they're helping her. That should be what matters."

"Exactly!" Nicky exclaimed, seemingly oblivious to Red's growing anger or Marka's look of annoyance.

Shaking her head Marka continued to protest, her eyes silently challenging Red. "Those people- I think she should find another support group. In the long run I don't think it will be healthy for her." Marka shook her head, breaking the stare down she had immersed herself in. She smiled sweetly at Nicky, and her voice dropped down to a town of innocence, "While we are on the subject, Nicole, maybe you should consider moving back home… I would love it-"

Red's fork fell to clatter against her plate, "It's out of the question and not up for discussion." She closed her eyes, and shook her head. Nicky was an adult. The decision was hers and as much as she wanted to, she couldn't decide this. "Nicky, you don't want to leave, do you?" She didn't care how desperate she sounded.

"I'm she's enjoyed her time here, Galina." Marka interrupted before Nicky could respond. "But I think this charade has gone on long enough. Don't you?" She sat back in her chair and crossed her arms like a spoiled child. "I want to make sure she is receiving long term help- that she stays clean. I want to make sure that she's taken care of properly. Only I can do that for her." She smiled smugly as she realized how deeply her words seemed to cut Red, like a serrated knife. "We've gotten through much worse before, and I am positive that we can get through any further mishaps should they arise."

At the low hiss of pain that emitted from Red's lips, Nicky shook her head in confusion. "No, wait," She squeezed Red's hand that she still had in her own. "Marka I'm not moving. I don't need to be taken care of. I am an adult, but… Red's good to me, you know? I'm good here."

"Good?" Marka questioned the look of displeasure evident in her features. "For God sakes Nicole, would you stop talking like you were raised in the Bronx?"

Red laughed bitterly. Like hell she was going to let Nicky immerse herself into this negativity.

Nicky tried to ignore the way Marka's dig tore at her. Had they really gone back to this? She thought they had moved past all the hatred.

"You can't just take my daughter from me." Marka's tone was cold, her eyes blazing with fury. "You meet her in prison, have this wonderful little prison family and that's fine. This is the real world now, darling, and I think it's time that she come home. You can't offer her what she needs.

Nicky's eyes widened in horror, "What the hell? You can't talk to her like that."

Prison family. Was that all anyone saw? Was she not capable of giving Nicky what she needed? Being a mother wasn't about biology. It was about being there for your kids through everything- the good, the bad, the ugly.

"I was there for her," Red all but whispered, her accent making her words seem harsher than she had meant to. "Where the hell were you?"

Marka scoffed, "That was a horrible time for my family, Galina. I was going through a lot. Nicky was slowly killing herself. I did everything I could to help her." She stood up from her chair and angrily accused Red of aiding in their estrangement. "I think you're jealous of the fact that she is my child."

By this point Nicky was also standing, her tone rising with every syllable she spoke, "I'm yours? You walked away from me." She shook her head in disappointment. "Why are you doing this, we were having such a good day together you and I."

"I never walked away from you!" Marka shouted, her eyes still focused on the Russian.

"You did!" Nicky exclaims. "Marka you weren't there, you never did anything for me or stood up for me. All you ever did was try to control me. It's what you're doing now. Please, I don't want to argue with you. "

"I am your mother, stop calling me by my name!"

"How delusional are you?" Red barked as she raised herself to her feet. "I am her mother. You may have given birth to her, but I am her mother." The more she spoke the angrier she got, her voice rising to match the intense amount of emotion that she was holding back. "A mother is there for their child. I was there."

At this point Nicky watched the exchange in confusion, a look of immense hurt on her face. She had not realized that she had moved to stand behind Red, in an attempt to shield herself from the fall out of Marka's anger

"You weren't there," Red reminded her, tone evening out just slightly "I was. I was there through her detoxing and I listened to her cry in pain." She felt her breath catch in her throat and didn't miss Nicky's shuffled movements to hide behind her. Reaching a hand back, she encountered Nicky's hand in her own and felt an instant sense of relief.

Red looked away at the flash of hurt in Marka's eyes. This wasn't what she had wanted this evening to escalate to. It wasn't fair to Nicky. "I don't mean to hurt you, Marka, but I am not going to just sit here while your make yourself-"

Marka grabbed her purse and angrily swung it over her shoulder, "You want the badge of honor because you her through detox? She never should have been on that shit in the first place!"

"She shouldn't have been," Red agreed. "But it happened and it's over and we are moving past it. There is no badge of honor for helping her detox, that's not why she's in my life. She's mine- that's my badge of honor- being her mother." She shook her head and looked down at her feet. It wasn't just detox that she had helped Nicky though. She was there in any way she could be, had always been, and Nicky had always been by her side, offering any support that she could whenever Red had needed it. Their relationship wasn't a one way street.

Before any further words of spite or hatred could be spoken, it was Nicky who spoke first. "I think you should go, Marka." She couldn't help the way her voice cracked, "You should leave."

Red closed her eyes in relief. She knew Nicky loved her, but a part of her had irrationally feared that this alteration would cost her their relationship.

Marka's eyes widened, and her tone was cold as she became someone unrecognizable "If I walk out that door, if I leave- I will not come back." She threatened.

Nicky shrugged sadly, eyes cast to the ceiling, "You've never had a problem walking away from me before."

So many times Marka had walked out on her before, and like the countless times before now the slamming of the door mirrored the shattering of her heart… and her resolve.

She didn't realize her hand was still in Red's grasp until she had felt a gentle squeeze. Immediately, she pulled her hand from Red's. She had a tears on her cheeks and she rushed them away quickly before she shuffled into the bathroom.

"No, Nicky," Red called, "Nicky!" Her feet wouldn't move fast enough to allow her to catch the girl before she locked herself away. She knocked gently on the bathroom door, and sighed when she heard the water begin to run. "I'll wait here all night if I have to. You'll have to come out of there at some point."

As promised, Red had waited near the door, but she had underestimated how stubborn her girl was. In an attempt to pass the time she went about cleaning up dinner, putting away the leftovers, and even after washing the dishes Nicky still hadn't come out. Not willing to let this matter rest, but smart enough to know that Nicky was quite capable of holding herself up all night, she retired to her bedroom.

Nicky peak her head out of the bathroom, and breathed a sigh of relief that Red wasn't waiting for her. She knew that at some point she'd have to face her, but she wasn't prepared to do that now. At the very least, if she were going to confront her emotions, she would like to be dressed in something more than a towel.

Retreating quietly into her own bedroom, she quickly dressed into a pair of red flannel pajama pants and a long grey t-shirt- it wasn't about warmth, but comfort, a lame attempt to soothe herself. She picked up her brush and turned it over in her hands, before tossing it angrily onto the bed, she didn't have the energy to brush her hair. It was a problem she would more than willingly deal with in the morning.

She shuffled awkwardly, staring at her reflection in the mirror. With a roll of her eyes she turned and moved to sit on her bed. She bit nervously at her lips and her fingers played with the cuffs to her t-shirt, she needed to attempt to sooth herself on her own. Bitterly, she wondered how pathetic she must look. She couldn't take it. The silence was overwhelming, and it was forcing her to confront and remember things she wasn't ready to deal with.

"I want my mom," She whispered sadly to herself. Her shoulders squared and she inhaled deeply before exhaling. Pushing herself off of the bed, she began a slow walk into the room next to hers.

Red looked up at the sound of squeaking her bedroom door made as it was pushed open. Her features softened further when Nicky came in view. Her hair was soaking wet and it clung to her face and neck. She took in the long pants and long shirt Nicky donned and felt her eyebrow raise in alarm. It was too warm to be in such attire. She dismissed it for now, and watched Nicky as she shuffled back and forth on her feet, her hands nervously fidgeting with her shirt. She decided to stay quiet, and let Nicky come to her; let her process whatever thoughts were turning over and over in her mind,

Nicky's eyes fixed on the floor, well aware of Red's gaze. She walked slowly into the room and remained quiet as she sat near the foot of the bed. Crossing her legs, her hands peaked out just enough from the cuffs of her long shirt to play with the hem of her pants- another attempt to self-soothe. Water dripped from her hair, chilling her skin enough to keep her cool. Sitting alone in her room, alone with her mind, had been too much for her.

This closeness to her mom, even if they sat in total silence, was already doing wonders for her emotionally. Simply being in Red's presence sent her into a state of ease. Automatically, she felt lighter and safe. She was safe from herself- mind, emotions- all of it.

Reclining back, until her body was rested fully against the headboard, Red sat and watched her, giving her the space she needed but silently communicating to her that she wasn't going anywhere; she'd be there when Nicky was ready.

Nicky shifted closer to her, her knee just barely touching her foot. Red couldn't help but smile as she knocked her foot repeatedly against Nicky. She was rewarded for her efforts when Nicky crawled over to her on her hands and knees. In a movement she wasn't expecting, but welcomed without question, Nicky moved to lay her head on her chest. Her eyes closed at the rhythmic lullaby of Red's heartbeat.

Ignoring the way Nicky's wet hair soaked her shirt, her hands came up to massage her fingers into Nicky's hair. She twirled a strand of golden locks round her fingers and smiled in amazement at how fluidly her curls came to life. Her left hand gently stroked down the smooth skin of Nicky's temple, and her fingers immediately sought out the fatty tissue of Nicky's earlobe. She gently massaged the flesh between her thumb and index finger, suppressing her chuckle at the way Nicky burrowed further into her. Nicky loved when she played with her ear, she had always said it was comforting.

"I wanted to believe her," Nicky whispered gently, eyes still closed as she enjoyed the loving attention Red was paying to her. "I wanted to believe that I had hurt her."

Glancing down, Red felt her face contort into a look of confusion and her hands stopped their movement.

Nicky's eyes fluttered open to see pure love being reflected back at her. "I thought maybe... she loved me enough- that my addiction had actually hurt her."

"Nicky," Her name slipped from Red's tongue in a desperate attempt for her to understand how loved she was.

Shrugging sadly, Nicky forced a smile. "You can't hurt someone who doesn't care for you, you know? If she had felt pain it meant that she had loved me."

Red shook her head, cradling Nicky close to her. She placed a soft kiss to her forehead. "Oh, Nicky," she inhaled the scent of her shampoo, hands gently caressing her face.

"I'm sorry," Nicky whispered softly. "I'm really sorry,"

Grasping Nicky's face roughly, Red turned her head up so that she was forced to look at her. "Listen to me," She whispered desperately, "Listen to what I am saying. You have nothing to apologize for. Okay? Nothing."

Nicky sat up, and used the sleeve of her shirt to wipe away the tears that had managed to slip from her eyes. "I was happy, for a while."

"I know." Sitting up, Red resituated herself against the headboard and immediately pulled Nicky back into her arms. It had only been a second, but she was desperately missing her warmth.

"I want her to want me," Nicky whispered, her eyes closing in an attempt to stop her tears. Her fingers blindly played in Red's hand. "But not at your expense, Ma."

Her words had practically gone unheard. Red felt as if she had gone on sensory overload when she felt Nicky's hand grasp tightly around her finger. Nicky was like a small child, seeking and taking all of the comfort she could lose herself in.

It had been so long since she had held her, and briefly Red wondered why she didn't do it more often. Nicky wasn't the only one who was comforted by the affection. Too many times Red had denied herself the closeness, but at the feel of her child nestled closely to her, she vowed to take more advantage of the occasional childlike state that Nicky could sometimes lose herself in. It would be therapeutic for them both.

At the feel of Nicky fidgeting restlessly next to her, Red smiled down at her gently and pulled her closer. Focusing her attention onto her small bundle, she watched the myriad of emotion flick in Nicky's big brown eyes.

Her fingers stroked gently along her jawline and she pursed her lips together gently, a sparkle glinting in her blue sapphires. "Tell me," She cooed gently.

"I remember one time she took me to a clinic," Nicky shook her head, and her gaze dropped to focus on Red's hand that she still held in her own, she couldn't bear to see the pity in Red's eyes as she recalled one of her many disturbing memories. "Dumped me off at a clinic," She corrected embarrassedly. "It was horrible. I needed help, that I know, but the withdrawal I went through that night, all alone, well... it made the one your nursed me through look like a dream."

Red closed her eyes part in anger and part in disgust. She turned on her side, ignoring the way her back spased in protest. She gently ushered Nicky impossibly closer so that her head was tucked underneath her chin.

It was the way that Red instinctively knew what she needed, as if on cue. She had memorized her and learned her in a way no one had ever done before. "I had tried to forget that." Nicky's words were muffled by Red's shoulder, her hand gripping tightly to the fabric of Red's shirt below her neck. "When she said she had been there for me, I tried to forget about all of the things she had done wrong. I pleaded with myself to remember what she had done right, but… there was nothing."

"Sometimes, we don't want to see what's really happening," Red said gently. "We want to remember all of the good. We are so desperate for the positivity that sometimes we get creative- imaginative- and we invent the life we always wanted."

Nicky sighed, and rolled onto her back in an attempt to dispel herself from the pain that threatened to consume her and take her over the edge. "I'm tired," She murmured sleepily, her voice raspy. She felt undeserving of Red's affections.

Feeling the loss of Nicky's warmth, instinctively Red knew something had changed within her. "Come here," she whispered, her hand reaching out for her. She knew Nicky better than she knew herself, and she didn't plan to let her slip away so easily. Nicky couldn't continue to deny herself what she wanted and she, herself wasn't ready to break the connection. "Just, come back. Talk to me." She pleaded.

"It's late," Nicky's voice was barely above a whisper, as she slowly inched further away from Red nearing the edge of the bed. She tried to ignore the way Red was looking at her. A large part of her wanted to stay put. Whenever she was next to Red she felt an undeniable sense of security.

So, why are you denying yourself this? More than anything, tonight especially, Nicky wanted to feel safe. She felt a shiver run down her spine and her heart began to beat wildly in her chest when she realized how alone she knew she would be when she left.

She felt a soft stroking motion against her arm and looked down to see Red's perfectly manicured nails running along her skin. Her racing heart calmed almost immediately, and she felt tears well up in her eyes. Turning her head, eyes focused on the wall, she sent up a silent prayer asking for strength, willing herself not to cry. Before her, she had everything and yet she had felt a selfish urge to seek out more.

For years, Red had been by her side. She'd stuck around through all of the bullshit, and even still now, after being insulted in her own home, she was here, offering all of her strength.

"Nicky," Red whispered, her hand tugging gently on the young woman's wrist, "Nicky,"

Eyes closed, the tears silently fell from Nicky's eyes. The warm, salty mixture painted her cheeks and she turned over, stripping herself of the connection that she longed for. A muffled sob only sounded from her when she felt the weight of Red's body suddenly against hers. Her back pressed tightly against Red's chest, her arm draped over her middle protectively- it was too much. It was everything.

Before she had even said it, Red had known her words would be a sense of comfort. "Why is your hair still wet?" It wasn't just Nicky's hair that she was addressing; it was her sudden change in demeanor. As discreetly as she could, she was questioning Nicky's highly sensitized emotions that practically screamed guilt.

Red's efforts were rewarded. Nicky chuckled softly as her hand came up to wipe the tears from the corner of her eyes. The raspy, uttered confession that rolled from her lips was enough to send her over the edge once more, "I hurt you." It was more of a statement than question.

Her chin resting heavily against Nicky's head, her eyes closed at the broken, strangled confession. The way Nicky all but trailed off told her there was more that she wanted to stay. She willed herself to remain calm; she didn't want to scare her.

One look into Red's eyes and she'd be reduced down to a whimpering puddle of nothing. "I don't want you to think you're not enough." Her voice shook as she hiccup every syllable. Never before this moment had she been so relieved to stare at a wall. "I don't want you to feel the way she made me feel." Her hand gripped tightly onto Red's where it rested on her abdomen, her nails practically digging into her skin. "I'm probably not making sense, but Ma, you've been more than I deserve."

She had known that when Nicky had first sought her out, that some tears would be shed, but she never imagined that she too would be the one crying. Shaking her head, pulling Nicky's body closer to her own she tried to compose herself.

"Nicky," she cleared her throat. "Sweetheart, you can't think like that." Shifting downward, she moved until her cheek was pressed against Nicky's, "YA nikogda ne somnevalsya v vashey lyubvi ko mne." She suppressed a chuckle at Nicky's look of confusion. She couldn't see it, but… she knew her girl. Placing a feathery kiss to her cheek she translated, "I've never doubted your love for me."

Mulling over her words, willing herself to come up with a proper response, Nicky couldn't help but sigh in defeat. She was drawing up blank, nothing seemed adequate enough to validate Red's words. "Yea?" Her eyes closed at how pathetic she sounded.

"Never." If Red had been put off by her words, she didn't show it. "I didn't like sharing you," she confessed, "I didn't like it at all." She couldn't help but chuckle at the way Nicky lovingly looked at her with her big brown eyes. She propped her head up on her elbow, "You won't understand because you're not a mother, but I am always going to be here for you Nicky. Through the good, bad, ugly- all of it; you won't have to worry about me leaving or turning away from you. Do you understand me?"

Nodding, Nicky still couldn't help but need reassurance. "You promise?"

"Nicky," Red drawled out, "Of course." She tightened her hold on her, and sighed at how easily her child dissolved into another fit of sobs. Her mind was made up, adult or not, Nicky would not be reaching out to Marka again in this lifetime. That woman was the reason for her state of distraught and Red vowed silently to never allow her to feel so broken again.

Placing a soft kiss to the wild ringlets that were now mostly dry, Red gently shushed her. "Shh, go to sleep," She whispered, "Let's go to sleep, I'll be right here when you wake up."

In a need to baby and comfort her, to put her own mind at ease, Red helped Nicky under the covers wanting to offer her as much warmth as she could. She reached over and turned off the lamp that had been illuminating the room. Darkness blanketed the room, and because of her gentle coxing, and loving patience it wasn't long until she had managed to calm Nicky down.

Nicky's breathing slowly evened out, body spent from the force in which her emotions shook her. Red smiled proudly to herself as she felt her relax completely against her. She rubbed her back gently, ensuring that slumber came peacefully.

"Nicky," She whispered gently. At Nicky's small whimper of acknowledgement she slowly stopped her ministrations; she needed to get this out before Nicky slipped into a serene state of un-conciseness. "Just so we're clear and so that you know. You are my child; my daughter."