Author's Note: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the characters. Or anything really. I also fail at grammar, so this is going to be your warning before anyone complains. And that's all. Review if you want.
Knowing.
"Perhaps this is what the stories meant when they called somebody heartsick. Your heart and your stomach and your whole insides felt empty and hollow and aching."
That Day.
I stepped out of the shower, wrapping myself in a towel. Reluctantly I went over to the bathroom counter, looking up into the mirror. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" I asked it sarcastically.
"Me of course!" My brother Sora said, popping his head through the door. He gave me a cheeky smile, waiting for a response.
"You know, we look almost exactly alike." I pointed out frowning a slightly. My mind just couldn't fathom his happiness in the mornings.
"Yeah, it's the almost part that makes all the difference." He replied grabbing his toothbrush. I laughed, shaking my head. He had always said things like that since we were little. Little in the since that we were children; we were both pretty short for being sixteen.
I walked out of the bathroom and down the hall to my room. I could hear my brother belting-out some unknown song in the background. It was strange the way we were. It's a common observation, to say that twins are opposites. It's also surprisingly true. He was like the sun; bright, happy, warm, and obnoxious. I on the other hand was more like the moon; calm, quiet, and always following the sun. I guess you could call him charismatic. People always seemed to be drawn to him by invisible strings. I got along with most people but if I were to be honest, I think most of my friends became my friends because of Sora. It never bothered me though. Socializing wasn't my forte.
I didn't notice anything until I sat down at the table for breakfast. Suddenly, I didn't feel hungry. If anything, I felt sick without feeling physically ill. Something wasn't right.
"Cheer up, Roxas. Today might be a day you'll never forget," Sora said resting his hand on the back of my neck; it calmed me. I noticed I was biting at my cuticles.
"Why is that?" By now I knew something was up. Sora never did share beyond what you could see, but I was supposed to be different, right? He just smiled grabbing a piece of toast.
At School
By the time I got to school the air was thick, tense, and unnerving. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. Resisting the urge to scream I began twisting my fingers. It didn't hurt, not really, just enough to get rid of the pressure building up inside. Something was wrong; something was going to happen. I could feel it; I could feel him, Sora.
"Roxas?" The sound of my name made me jump off the locker I had been leaning on. I smiled at the girl next to me.
"Yeah, Namine?" She raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow in disbelief.
"Have you been listening at all? I asked you a question." She sighed quietly, more to herself than to me. "Are you OK?" I stared blankly at her for a second before scratching the back of my head awkwardly and letting out a short laugh.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be? Are…are you?" He looked down nervously. She could tell, maybe she could feel it too?
Namine laughed, rolling her eyes. "The party Kairi and I are throwing tonight, are you ready for it?"
"Of course I am." I watched her carefully. She avoided the question. "I…"
She cut him off, "Stop. Just be happy like the rest of us today. You can be gloomy tomorrow," She sighed twirling a tendril long golden hair around her finger. "Today is your birthday. It's going to be fun." It was more of a command.
"OK," I agreed quietly, unsure. I was probably just being paranoid. The warning bell rang breaking up our conversation. I couldn't think of anything useful to say. "I'll see you later," I said waving. I still had that feeling in the back of my head.
I entered homeroom just as the final bell rang, not that it would have mattered, Professor Zexion never really cared about homeroom unless you were really late. I walked as quietly as I could to the back of the room and sat down. "Hey dude," I said lazily to the boy sitting next to me.
"'Sup" The boy offered, slumping back in his chair. I glanced sideways at him. His silver hair was sticking up in the back and he had dark shadows under his eyes. "Sora?" I couldn't help but wonder if he knew what I felt. "I hope I'm just paranoid. I'm always too worried, everyone says so." It was easy to keep telling myself this. I'm paranoid, that's all.
"Are you ok, Riku?" It was worth a try. Hopefully.
His eyes flickered over to mine. "Why? Are you?" I knew he could feel it too, but apparently he couldn't figure it out either. Riku was someone who was in my life because of Sora. His boyfriend from my perspective and a best friend from everyone else's. It was a secret. I sometimes wondered whether Riku knew Sora better than me and it made me jealous. Always.
"Yeah," I said rubbing my finger against my lower lip. It was a habit. I was always picking at my nails and when the cuticles got dry, I would rub them against my lip. It was disgusting.
"Your lip is bleeding. Sora would smack you or something." Riku offered a lazy smirk. "Did you talk to him this morning?"
"About what?"
"I dunno, the party? Him?" Riku sighed looking off in the other direction. "Roxas, is Sora ok?" He asked like I would never have considered Sora's well-being. It sort of pissed me off.
"It's not like he tells me anything." My voice came out more irritated than I had wanted. I did care about my brother, I just couldn't understand him. Riku knew better than anyone, but Riku also thought I was selfish. Sometimes I wondered what Sora told him. My phone vibrated in my pocket. It read:
"Meet me in the parking lot, now. –Sora"
I told Riku I had to use the restroom. The panicky feeling was growing. I wondered if Sora was ok. He never skipped class, well, not that I was aware of. I began to run both in order to reach Sora faster and to avoid being caught out of class.
Sora sat in our car, the engine running. He rolled down the passenger window as I approached. "Sora, where are you going?"
"Little brother, little brother someday you'll understand. You know I love you, right?" His eyes were all I could focus on. They were dull, he was lifeless. This wasn't my brother, this wasn't Sora, this was what I had been feeling. Sora was always happy; he was the sun.
"Sora…please, what are you doing? Let me in." I reached for the door handle, but Sora hit the lock button. He smiled with his lips; a fake smile that didn't reach his eyes. "Sora." I felt like crying.
"Roxas, you were always the good one, remember that." I didn't understand exactly what that was supposed to mean. I laughed for lack of anything else to do. His face became expressionless, unreadable. I couldn't think of anything to say so I just stood there, watching him drive away, laughing the whole time. I knew it then.
I walked back to class numb. I felt empty, lonely; I felt nothing at all. Professor Zexion looked at me disapprovingly as a reentered the classroom. I couldn't bring myself to say anything, so I walked back to my seat. I could feel Riku watching me, but I couldn't move.
The principle knocked on the door about thirty minutes later. I knew before he said my name. I followed him into the hallway.
"Roxas, I have something to talk to you about. This is going to be hard to hear." He looked ready to cry. I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to say it. "It's about Sora." I wanted to beg him not to say it.
It's the worst feeling you can image; knowing the second he opens his mouth, your whole world is going to come crashing down. I didn't respond; I couldn't. I heard his voice, but I didn't really hear his words. My stomach dropped and I puked right on the floor. I had just watched my own brother, my twin drive off, knowing all along that he would take his life in less than thirty minutes. I knew and now I was laughing because it's the only thing I could do.
The feeling I got when the classroom door opened will live with me. It's like falling for an eternity, not knowing how far you are from the ground, but knowing you are going to hit and that will be the end. The feeling is knowing.