PILLOWMAN II: SONIC THE EXECUTION HEDGEHOG
Written by Christopher Rangel
ACT I: THE MAN KNOWN AS ISIS
Scene 1:
"Let me guess", said Detective Ariel. "Another beheading?"
"You got it", said Detective Tupolski. He took a swig of his flask of whiskey.
"Damn, this is the seventh one this month", said Ariel, lighting a cigarette. There was a bustle around the crime scene, and at the middle of it, among spilled bottles of booze and a vast assortment of used condoms, was Mario the Italian plumber, his head a few feet away from the rest of his body and still gushing blood.
"Italy's gonna be pissed", said Ariel. "This man was a national treasure to them."
"Long as there's still wine to drink, the Italians will never get too angry", said Tupolski. "Trust me; we're talking about Italians here."
"You're not Italian, Tupolski", said Ariel.
"I know!" said Tupolski. "But everyone knows that the only thing that matters to an Italian is wine. And maybe pasta. And maybe tomatoes. Oh yeah, and the Mario Brothers. But Luigi's still alive, so its fine."
"Hm…" said Ariel, taking a long drag on his cigarette. He suddenly felt a buzz in his pocket.
"Your phone", said Tupolski.
"I know", said Ariel, taking out his phone. He had received a text from his friend, Agent Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks.
"You're gonna want to look at this", was all the text said, with a link to a Youtube video.
"What is it?" asked Tupolski, looking at the phone as well.
"A video", said Ariel. He opened it up and saw an ad for Trojan Condos, followed by a video with a short man in a black, hooded cloak wielding a sword and standing over a gag-mouthed Mario.
"What's up, fuckers?" said the cloaked man. "It's me! Ya boi, ISIS! Here I am, about to kill this mother fucking plumber!"
"Mmph, mmph!" said Mario.
"That's right, I'm gonna fucking kill this man!" said the man known as ISIS, and then he swung the sword and decapitated Mario, then said "Get fucked!" The video ended.
"We're going to need to investigate this", said Tupolski. "We've probably got someone capable of figuring out who this cloaked man is."
"No need", said Ariel, surprised. "Someone's already turned themselves in." He showed Tupolski another text.
"Really?" said Tupolski. "Wow. That was easy. Well, time to head back to HQ, I guess."
Scene 2:
Ariel and Tupolski entered the Police HQ.
"Ariel, Tupolski!" said the Commandant, Revolver Ocelot. "You're here just in time. The suspect is right in that room, ready for interrogation."
ARIEL + TUPOSLKI: Thank you, Commandant.
Ariel was the first to enter the room, but then he stopped dead in his tracks, causing Tupolski to bump right into him.
TUPOLSKI: What is it, Ariel?
ARIEL: Um… So you know that joke you do? That stupid fucking joke you do to give our suspects a hard time when they ask about their execution? The one about my "Execution Hedgehog"?
TUPOLSKI: What about it?
ARIEL: Just… look.
Ariel continued into the room, and Tupolski followed.
"What the fuck?!" Tupolski said, when he realized who it was they were about to interrogate.
TUPOLSKI: It's Sonic! Sonic the… the…
ARIEL: Sonic the Execution Hedgehog.
Sonic the Execution Hedgehog shrugged. "In the flesh", he said. Ariel and Tupolski regained their composure and sat opposite the hedgehog.
TUPOLSKI: Erm… why are you wearing… three blindfolds?
SONIC: Because my fucking giant eyeballs were too big for one blindfold to do the trick.
TUPOLSKI: Yeah, well… take them off, they just look stupid.
SONIC: You just look stupid.
TUPOLSKI: You can't even fucking see me.
SONIC: Can't I?
ARIEL: He's just fucking with us, Tupolski. (Removes all three blindfolds.)
SONIC: Wow, you look even stupider than I imagined you.
TUPOLSKI: Shut the fuck up.
SONIC: Hey, you guys have any chili dogs around here, ha ha?
TUPOLSKI: I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!
ARIEL: YEAH, HE SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!
SONIC: Alright, alright. Sheesh, what's up your asses, anyways?
TUPOLSKI: Let's cut to the chase, Mr. Sonic the Hedgehog. Have you committed seven murders through beheading this month?
SONIC: You bet your fucking pussy I did!
ARIEL: Hey prick, are you taking this fucking seriously?
SONIC: You bet I am!
ARIEL: Then start fucking showing it! (Hits SONIC in the back of the head.)
SONIC: Ha. Was that supposed to hurt?
ARIEL: Do you want it to fucking hurt?
SONIC: You bet I want it to fucking hurt. No pain, no gain, that's what I always so! Gotta go fast or my nuts won't blast! Woo!
TUPOLSKI: He's speaking nonsense.
SONIC: I'm speaking allsense.
ARIEL: Where's the sword?
SONIC: Oh, you mean this? (Reaches into his ass and pulls out his sword)
TUPOLSKI: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Sonic held the sword in the air and checked it out. "Its name is Excalibur, and it is mine! I used it to behead those motherfuckers!"
Tupolski and Ariel both drew their guns. "Put down the sword and tell us why you did it", said Tupolski. Sonic put his sword on the table and reached into his ass again, then pulled out the seven chaos emeralds.
SONIC: Seven murders. One for each Chaos Emerald. I needed to take those lives in order to fill the Emeralds, and so I have!
Ariel and Tupolski looked at each other. Something was feeling very wrong.
ARIEL: Wait, so you've taken the seven lives you've needed. You've restored power to the seven Chaos Emeralds. You've accomplished everything you've set out to do. Why the hell did you turn yourself in?
SONIC: Heh heh heh…
TUPOLSKI: (Breaking a sweat) Answer the damn question!
SONIC: There is so much neither of you understand…
ARIEL: I've just about had it with you, hedgehog. Tell us what you mean before I break out my fucking electrodes.
SONIC: You can't see how it's all connected. The writer you executed seven months ago. The stories he wrote. The experiment his parents ran on him and his brother. I wonder what they were for, hm?
ARIEL: He's talking about Katurian.
TUPOLSKI: I know he's talking about fucking Katurian!
SONIC: Katurian Katurian Katurian. The key to the puzzle.
TUPOLSKI: What puzzle? What the fuck are you talking about?!
SONIC: All will be revealed in time…
Sonic the Execution Hedgehog walked to the wall of the cell.
"Sit back down!" Ariel yelled. He and Tupolski were ready to open fire.
"Eat my ass", said Sonic, and with that the detectives opened fire. They unloaded both of their clips entirely on the blue hedgehog, and were surprised to see that he was still standing.
"That all?" said Sonic, and he put his hand on the wall, which then exploded, opening the cell to the outside world. "I'll see y'all bitches around!" Sonic started running from the HQ.
"What the fuck is going on in here?" Revolver Ocelot asked as he and a few other armed police officers walked into the room.
"The suspect got away", Tupolski said, keeping his head down.
"Then what the hell are you two standing around for?" asked Revolver Ocelot. "You two are among the best men our country of Outer Heaven has! If anyone can take care of this threat, it's you two!"
ARIEL: You don't mean…
REVOLVER OCELOT: I do. And I'm coming with you.
TUPOLSKI: Commandant!
Revolver Ocelot took out his revolver and gave it a spin.
"Six bullets", said Revolver Ocelot. "More than enough to kill six men. Gentlemen, let's go!" And so they went.
SCENE 3:
Katurian stands center stage and looks out to THE AUDIENCE.
KATURIAN: My parents showed me many stories when I was growing up, used sort of as a supplement to the sounds of child torture to fuel my creativity. Some of them were the classics, you know, Seuss, The Berenstain Bears, HP Lovecraft. Everything little boys were supposed to read, as well as some other, odder things. One story was especially odd: it was called Sonic and the Black Knight. A book which recounted how a blue hedgehog traveled back in time to King Arthur's Court and went on adventures with the Knights of the Round Table. "But Mom", I said after finishing the book, "were there really anthropomorphic hedgehogs and other sorts of animals in King Arthur's Court?" To which she would respond:
MOTHER: Oh Kat, what does the book say?
KATURIAN: 'It says there were', I said.
MOTHER: Then there were. That's the way this world works.
KATURIAN: I shrugged and said 'Alright, just seemed a little weird is all'. And I kept it at that, but those words would bother me for a long time. 'That's the way this world works'. I wouldn't truly understand what those words meant until the day I found that very same hedgehog standing over my grave, and helping me out of it, about seven months after I was shot in the head.
TO BE CONTINUED