Remembered
Sam remembers a time when him and Dean were so in sync with each other it was madness. With Dean the same age as Sam's brother with a two year age gap, it made no sense for them to work their way around each other the way they did. Chris wishes for them to say they practice at their football games, plan it out just to freak him out, yet Sam can't lie and when he asks, innocence is just way to obvious for him. It's just natural, and then Chris doesn't want an explanation.
Sam remembers a time when just hearing Dean's name made him smile. It was those times that he was glad Chris and Dean were best friends. It gave him an excuse to see him without it being weird for the younger brother to intrude. Though it wasn't until Sam was 15 that he realised there was the reason the door was always slightly ajar and they went silent whenever he passed wasn't because they didn't want him to hear, but that they wouldn't of minded him joining. Sam never understood his brother, nor Dean. And in those moments he was glad that he didn't.
Sam remembers a time when Dean would come round to their house with no purpose. It was normal for him to act like he lived there, for he almost did. Sam knew that the spare room's wardrobe had at least a weeks worth of Dean's clothes in there – he used to go and sit and absorb the smell of Dean when he wasn't there. However, he usually came over when Chris was there, but then he would come earlier and say he'd wait and try to converse with the gangly 14 year old. Then he would come over when he knew Chris wouldn't be there, and hang out with Sam. Sam had taken an interest in cooking recently, trying out every recipe in his mothers books, writing in the margins his edits, and when Dean was there, he would watch Sam move, watch the hidden muscles move in his arms as he chopped vegetables until Sam ordered him to help.
Sam remembered a time when Dean took up his every thought. He didn't know what was happening, and, sometimes, he didn't want to know. He just knew the feelings he was experiencing were one he never wanted to lose. Sam doesn't even want to deny the hurt he feels when he rounds a corner and sees Dean kissing a boy in his class, cause it signifies that his feelings are real. Yet it still hurts like hell and Sam almost doesn't want to see Dean, doesn't want to see his face break into that smile Sam knows is only for him. Doesn't want to see those lips purse in that way when he's trying to work out what's wrong with Sam.
Sam rememberes the time when Dean finally snapped and asked him what was wrong. Sam's terrible lying couldn't cover his "Fine" and Dean won't let it go until everythings right. Sam snapped even worse, screaming at Dean to "Leave me the fuck alone" and to "Go annoy Chris, cause he can deal with your confusing shit." Dean freezes at Sam's outburst. Quiet Sam, who until he was 12 could barely speak at a normal level of sound, let alone shout. Sam backs off, stepping away, running his hand through his hair, already kicking himself for shouting at Dean and for now letting tears come to his eyes. But Dean doesn't walk away like Sam expects, instead walking towards him and hugging his skinny waist to him, letting Sam bury his nose in his shoulder. As Dean lets Sam go, Sam doesn't move away, instead looking up at Dean's concerned gaze. Before Dean can react, Sam's pressing his lips to his and Dean screaming "Yes!" and kisses back. Falling to the floor, the loose themselves in each other in desperation, yet they both know that this isn't the end, but it really is just the beginning and they have hours, weeks, months to discover everything about the other.
Sam remembers the time spent with Dean was the happiest he ever felt.
Dean remembers a time when he would feel guilty for the things he does to Sam now. But those times where over ten years ago. They were teenagers and completely different people. Yet when he flirts shamelessly with their waitress, watching Sam out of the corner of his eye tense and look away, he knows Sam hasn't changed. Sam still sprouts horns and turns green with envy when Dean's attention is occupied by someone else like this. Dean knows it's wrong, it's horrible, it's cruel, but he doesn't care. He loves watching a jealous Sam as heat pools into his stomach and he pictures what they'll do later. Pretending like this is worth it for the few hours in heaven he'll spend tonight.
Dean remembers a time when being followed would lead to his paranoia being sparked. To guns being pulled and salt flying through the air. However, now, he loves the thrill of darkness around him and the feeling of being watched as he walks his date back to her house. He knows this women is expecting sex, but he's gay pretending to be at least bi to get at his lover and couldn't have sex with her. So once she opens the front door and shows him a flirty smile, he has to say "I've had a lovely time tonight" and kiss her on the cheek, wishing her "goodnight". As he walks away, he hopes Sam doesn't see his last sentences with the women. He doesn't want Sam to think he hasn't changed. He wants Sam to think the seven years they spent apart meant he had become cruel and uncaring. He wants Sam to think his libido and adrenaline levels run his life now. Caring could mean loosing Sam forever, and the old Dean screams and runs from the pain the thought brings.
Dean remembers a time when he had the strength to keep up this fascade 24 hours while he was around Sam. That was before his dad had died during a job trying to save his life. That was before the nightmares returned. That was before he woke up to Sam shaking his shoulders, telling him everything was okay and it was only a dream. Dean had tugged Sam shirt hard then, bringing their lips together again and letting his fear and their instincts lead their actions. Then he could only keep the fascade up for daylight hours, then afternoons and early evenings, then only afternoons. The more time with Sam leads to more of his strength leaving, more of his excuses becoming lies, until there was nothing left and Dean hasn't grown up since he was a 16 year old boy falling for his best friends 14 year old brother. He hasn't changed and neither has Sam, not really.
Dean remembers loving the fact that neither of them had changed.
Thank you for reading,
batintheattic.