Author: Atthla
Disclaimer: Inuyasha belong to Takahasi Rumiko-sensei and under no condition is mine.
Pairings: Sesshoumaru/Kikyou, Inuyasha/Kikyou, Inuyasha/Kagome
Warning: For those who do not like Kikyou, push the 'back' button and find another fic please.
Notes: This fic is divided into two parts. The first is written from Inuyasha's second POV and the second is written from a third person's POV (but you can say it's from Kikyou's). I hope it won't be too confusing. Maybe I should split this into two chapters but I don't like short chapters, so here you go. Hope you'll enjoy this!
Part One
It was a beautiful night.
Yes, a very beautiful night, quiet and calming, not a drop of scent of blood in the night air, and not an unpleasant sound ripping the comforting song of cicadas. Certainly not a night this era often came across.
But it was also so peaceful that it was eerie. And for some reasons, it was also bitter, painful.
Perhaps because silence made you think. It cleared your mind from any other occupation save for thinking, and more often than not, the thoughts that visited the vacant space of your mind were those you would rather not encounter. You had never been used to thinking, immeasurably more at ease with assuming immediate actions, but sometimes, when you were trapped in this kind of situation, you were not given that much choice.
Said situation was the quiet midnight after retrieving another Shikon shard, a task so easy that you were forced to wonder if the pathetic youkai you had to waste your time on was aware even in the slightest of the power of that shard he had found. Or maybe he was just plain stupid, which actually was rather fortunate for your group who had encountered mortal peril only too often. Unfortunately, the lack of exercise now left you wide-awake, completely unexhausted. Unfortunately, you had youkai blood flowing in your veins, blessing you with vitality your human companions could never match.
A small growl rose in your throat and you averted your eyes from the sky and its littered constellations of small blinking stars to vibrantly burning campfire in front of your folded feet. The dancing, crackling blaze made you growl again, this time slightly louder, and you settled your gaze on a less injurious sight to your left.
Or maybe not.
She was sleeping peacefully, the smallest of smiles adorning her lips in a fashion of pure innocence, the length of her hair framing her not-so-pale skin as they glistened like diaphanous strings of black pearls under the golden luminosity of the fire. Beautiful, but you were no connoisseur in this. It pleased your eyes and for you that was enough.
It wasn't as long as Kikyou's hair though.
You almost growled again, but were conscious of the sleeping presence next to you and managed to bit it back on the last second. She stirred in her sleep and you winced, clamping a hand to your mouth as a series of curses were poured noiselessly out. But she settled back into the depth of her dreams without more fuss and you sighed in relief, for once glad of her limited stamina. You would hate to have to explain the reason you were growling in the middle of the night. She was nosy and irritable, unlike...
This time you didn't growl, only releasing a desperate half-annoyed sigh.
Why did you always have to compare her to Kikyou? True that they shared the same soul and a little resemblance in stature and features, but it was there where the similarity ended. She was not Kikyou.
Silently, cautiously, your hand fell from your lap and clawed fingers hesitantly caressed the gossamer edge of soft tresses. You nearly couldn't feel them and so you let your fingers to tangle in the strands, silky to your touch. There was something nostalgic in this audacity and your mind, almost against your every will, called for a memory of a winter night, so faraway it seemed now, when you had dared yourself to do quite the same thing to another young woman, quietly and furtively following the length of her hair with the tip of your fingers.
It was a painful memory. The mere recalling of Kikyou's name or presence seemed to always manage to do that nowadays, tinting your memories with traces of sorrow, yet at the same time also coloring them with an emotion – too intense to be called love – so strong that no one else could evoke. Not even Kagome, which was unfair since she was the one who could make you understand once again what happiness felt like.
Returning your gaze to the cloud-shaded moon, you forced your hand to return to their appropriate domain. You were lamenting the length of the night you still had to endure in the tormenting quietude when a presence disturbed the depth of your mind. Slithering among the thin layers of cloud with the grace of a mighty dragon was a shape you recognized only too well.
A Shidamanchuu.
She was near.
Almost immediately, your chest tightened and the rush of emotion flooded your veins like heavy torrents. Kikyou had that impact on you and regardless her reason to be in this part of the world, you knew it was a chance offered to your waiting soul. You had run away for too long. From her. From the old yet still bleeding wound she had left you. From everything that stood – or rather left and still refused to wane even when fifty years had come and gone – between the two of you.
Another gaze to the drifting, serpent-like demon and you stood up quietly albeit half-heartedly, aware that such chance might not cross your path twice. Your eyes swept a gaze at your obliviously sleeping companions, on one of them they lingered for a moment longer, and you prayed to any almighty god above that the power to mend everything was to be given onto your hand.
With quick strides, you followed the haunting scent of the fragment of your past, all the way trying to ignore the erratic cadence of your heartbeat. The grass and soil felt damp under your feet but her presence drifted fast away from you. It astonished you even further when you halted and noticed that her presence had vanished entirely.
"Unwise of you to let your guard down, Inuyasha."
You whirled around to find her standing on your still hot traces, long, graceful fingers attaching an arrow on her eager bow, and you instinctively took several leaps back, cold sweats running down your back. She intimidated – almost frightened – you, this new Kikyou, and although she had flung her arrow at you many times before, her cold eyes did not help to convince you that she still meant no harm like the old times.
It was a time which had long passed and this Kikyou, quite obviously, was not the benevolent young woman she once was.
A dry smile graced her lips and slowly, as if mocking your panic, she then lowered her bow. A quiet sigh escaped your lips but trepidation did not leave you as you stood there, watching her watching you wordlessly.
The miko broke her silence first, voice toneless as she asked, "Am I right to assume that your coming here is to speak with me?"
Alarmed and yet entranced by the absence of her tone of voice, you felt your hands tightening into clenched fists and unconsciously let your breath speak her name in a desperate whisper. "Kikyou..."
Her mahogany eyes hardened and almost stiffly she then said, "Fool of me to let them soar so high."
You blinked, unsure of what she had meant but incapable to hamper your curiosity, your need to know what kind of thought that lurked in the depth of her mind now that she was looking at you.
"What?"
"This, Inuyasha," she brought her right hand, still brandishing an arrow, up to rest upon her breast. You almost flinched at the way your name fell from her lips, hard and cold as it was, and that any trace of expression simply vanished from her face when she finally continued, emptier than before. "This emotion was the beginning of my downfall."
You found yourself unable to come across a decent reply and the hand fell back to her side, the tip of her arrow gleaming ominously under the dim moonlight. A pair of expressionless eyes watched you closely but for a moment, you thought you saw a hint of annoyance in them as she once again broke the silence. "And what is your business? You may have all night but I have an urgent matter to attend to."
With a mouth which had gone dry since the first moment she had addressed you, topped with a hazy, unfocused mind, a stuttered answer was the best you could manage. "I just... just want to... talk, I guess..."
"No, you don't," her lips quirking into a small sneer, she immediately scoffed your pitiable account and you could see her hand tightening its grip on the bow. "You are seeking for something and you think you can attain in from me." She paused, stared, sneer fading yet tone sharpening once she spoke again, "What is it, Inuyasha? Forgiveness? Affection? A promise that I will never hunt for your life again?"
Your face heating up – either in annoyance or shame, – you rapidly, almost vehemently, denied. "No, not that! I don't want anything! I was just thinking..." and found yourself for the umpteenth time unable to voice your thoughts. If there was indeed any thought at all instead of a jumble of burning, nameless emotions inside your veins.
"Mere thoughts will bring you nowhere," she stated coldly, her eyes dimming as if bored beyond words.
Anger was quick to seize you, as usual, but then it left only a cold, uncomfortable sensation in the pit of your stomach as you noticed her disinterested gaze. A memory, quite old but still disturbingly clear, surfaced from the depth of your mind, and for a moment, you had let your suspicion probe its many ambiguous ends quietly. More agitation arose at the end of your scrutiny and a question left your lips involuntarily, your voice just a little above a trembling whisper, "Since when have you been this sarcastic?"
She almost laughed, you knew it, and it sent a cold shiver up your spine. "Are you demanding me to answer?" Her lips curled slightly, not quite into a smile although there was certainly a bitter ghost of it toning them down, and she continued, sounding almost amused now, "Isn't it you who should be the most familiar with the cause, if there indeed is one?"
The memory grew clearer, of a man – no, youkai – one with long silver hair and a claw that was caressing – or defiling, you were not sure – her pallid cheek under the clear moonlight. You recognized the figure in an instant, had learned to hate it with, oddly, fluctuating intensity. And of course there were those eyes. Proud and cold like midnight winter, they found you looking at them.
It was rage and yet not searing like it usually was, and you had fled from the pair of mocking eyes, never used to contempt when it came from him. But you still seethed every time you remembered, because it was her he was touching. The cold rage lent many sharp, coarse edges to your voice as you spelled out the accusation in so much distaste, more to him than her. "Well, who knows if your heart has really been trapped by some stupid arrogant youkai."
For a moment, Kikyou had looked almost surprised, a glint of astonishment and what could have been awkwardness in another woman's eyes flashing through her brown ones, before then the thin layers of coldness returned to lace everything hers. "I don't have a heart that can be claimed by either of you."
"You–!"
"What do you expect from a walking corpse, Inuyasha?" she had cut your words before anything else could be uttered, betraying none of her emotions toward her twisted state of immortality. You could only gape, aghast, either by her sheer nonchalance or the words themselves.
"You are fortunate," her voice fell to a whisper, only a little above those that were wind's, and there was quiet, distant longing in her eyes that made your heart ache. "Far more fortunate than he is because you have her by your side. When the inevitable befalls me at last, he will only have little more than your father's fang by his side."
"Kikyou," you breathed, only incredulity carrying your voice clear enough to be heard, "you don't think he really loves you, do you?"
"Then he is also fortunate," was her short, flat answer.
"I don't give a damn about him!" you heard yourself shouting, anger rushing in your blood, eclipsing even the sharp lances of pain. It probably comes from jealousy, a small spiteful voice hinted, and it shrank your anger to rough bitterness. You stared at her, helpless, desperate as you uttered, "But I can't forget you, Kikyou. I never can."
She looked at you and for once you thought there was a slight smile painted on her lips without its drops of sarcasm. Only silent wistfulness stark against her pale skin and she said quietly, "Contradictorily, you have. Or I wouldn't be here this very moment."
You almost stepped forward, almost lunged to reach her, but her bow had stirred into motion just a moment faster. "Stay there, Inuyasha," she commanded, her voice regaining its earlier coldness which indeed halted your feet. "This is a purification arrow. Move an inch closer and I will let it off. You know well that I want you dead, don't you?"
Set next to her taut string, the aimed arrow glowed as if bathed in moonlight, allowing your eyes not to stray elsewhere but to its sharp, ominous tip. Cold sweats were once again breaking at your temple and you almost dared not to breathe, but she merely said, not a note above warning. "Let us make this easier. I will give you one more chance to get out of my sight and promise never to cross my path again. The next time we meet shall be the end of your living days." Her fingers pulled the string a tad farther, her countenance unchanging. "What say you?"
"Kikyou..."
Yet she did not react, not to your desperate plea, and you gave in to the blinding heat of anger. Or maybe it was just disappointment, but you no longer cared – could no longer care – as your voice rose into a shout. "What should I do, damnit! I won't come here if I can do just that!"
"I don't care," she retorted coldly, impassively, and yet you could still see her hands trembling even so slightly from that distance. You knew your eyes were softening and you knew she saw it when the luminosity of her arrow slowly withered into dullness, leaving her more vulnerable than she had ever been before your eyes. But the resolution did not disappear and, still stunned into immobility since she had not withdrawn her threat, you could only listen to her whispering.
"Some wounds just cannot be mended."
Some loves were just not meant to be.
The sharp sound of a bow singing its deadly melody broke you out of your stupor. Shocked, you realized that her right hand was now empty, hovering in the air purposelessly. Your instinct told you that the fired arrow was far missing its target and yet you still tried to avoid it out of impulse, out of the knowledge that her shots were not those which missed. It was a mistake and you knew it a moment later when your eyes once again sought her for an explanation but found no one but wind and shadow.
You were alone.
Upset, more than merely frustrated, you looked around and yet discovered neither any sign of her nor any trace of her earlier presence save for those that were left in the back of your mind. She had gone. Really gone. You turned to the sky, howling angrily to the moon that was mocking you with its bright light, calling her with the last shred of your pride.
But she did not return.
Part Two
She heard him, clear and agonizing above any sound of the night, and yet did not step out from the shadow which was hiding her in its embrace. She waited and waited, her hands had yet to stop trembling from executing the shot and her heart had never ceased spiting the curse that had befallen them both. It had been wonderful, perfect, the one moment they had shared on the night prior to their downfall. The future had seemed bright, or promising at least, as long as they had each other's shoulder to hold on to.
But the greatest plans always had to encounter the greatest obstacles as well. And they had not passed the test; their love had not been strong enough. Kikyou smiled bitterly. Love was not quite suitable to call what little they had managed to foster during those brief four seasons. It was merely a budding passion, a quiet prelude to something that might be able to bloom beautifully, and yet the opportunity had been taken away before it arrived.
And tonight it was a farewell. One that was made from soil and dust eventually must return to soil and dust, merging with the cold, ancient earth. She stared at the back of her hand, searching for the small blemish which had been so striking against her pale skin at daylight. No, it was not a blemish, she reproached silently, more like a scar. Or a crack, if human's skin could acquire such flaw. But a clay doll certainly could crack and Kikyou was very aware of the nature of her current body.
She had been horrified, and yet not quite surprised the first time she had recognized the flaw. It was bound to happen, she had told herself, and yet still had been astonished at her own indifference to accept the bitter reality. Then again, her lack of heart might explain that well enough.
In a way, she was a great deal more fortunate than Inuyasha. Not for long anymore she would have to wait to take the curse to her grave. But Inuyasha, he would live, loving the one by his side yet never able to forget the one he had lost. And the youkai blood in his veins would give him a long life, one a mere human did not have the privilege to earn, and she wondered if death was in fact better.
But he would have the chance to be happy. He loved Kagome, at least that she was certain about. It would be a lie to say that she did not envy them, because she did. And her hate for him burned even stronger every time she saw him smile at the girl.
Kikyou almost laughed at herself and, no longer sensing the half-youkai presence, stepped back into the light. She should continue her journey. To what or where she was not sure, but perhaps, the miko smiled sadly at the solitary moon high above, perhaps she was just looking for a place to die peacefully. Her unexpected encounter with Inuyasha had eased her burden somewhat, because at least she had seen him one last time.
What about the other?
Yes, she pondered about that too. But Sesshoumaru probably would find out – he had a tendency to recognize matters he should not – and that was the last thing she wanted to happen now that she had yielded to her imminent fate.
It was not as if the youkai lord would stop her anyway. As a matter of fact, she would be very astonished if he indeed did that. A youkai as haughty as him would have difficulty to spare a room in his heart for anything other than pride and ambition.
But even if the judgment she had just recently made about Sesshoumaru were right, he would not be completely alone. She had lied about it to Inuyasha. The youkai lord still had those who loved him by his side, not only his sword. And Rin, she smiled at her recollection of the little girl, when Rin had matured and blossomed, she might ease the wound an undeserving miko had so foolishly left in the depth of his heart. That if there was any wound left at all. In any case, it would no longer be her concern if she had left this world.
Suddenly Kikyou tensed. Something was nearby – something with great spiritual power, that was – and it surprised her that she had not been able to feel anything until a second ago. She halted and fetched an arrow from her quiver, ready to counter any attack that might come. Silently she reprimanded herself. This area of the woods was not actually safe enough to let her guard down like that.
But this jyaki. She felt like she had known it from somewhere. Knew it really well in fact. Was it...?
At the next moment, the tip of a long sword had been aimed to the base of her throat. Now fully aware of the identity of her ambusher, her eyes followed the length of the blade to an outstretched arm and finally met a pair of cold gold-brown ones. She smiled without any hint of friendliness and said with equal coldness, "No need to flaunt your sword. A jyaki as powerful as yours cannot be easily concealed."
Sesshoumaru did not reply and Kikyou wondered if it was simply his typical nature of language or for once he actually had no idea what to say. Silence usually meant thousands of words when it came from the youkai prince, but she could not decipher what this one spoke of. If he expected her to be able to, it was his own concern and yet she could not help but to feel a little considerate since it might be their last parting. It was surprising how facing the end could affect her that much.
Foolish sentimentality.
"Why are you here, Sesshoumaru?" Kikyou repeated the same question she had given to his half-brother, all the way trying to deprive her voice of its habitual coldness and – for one reason or another – failing miserably. She silently laughed at herself at her pathetic attempt. To begin showing compassion when her heart had been too hardened was evidently an impossible thing to do.
She sighed, admitting defeat, and then said again on his silence, "Is a farewell what you want?"
The tip of his sword did not move from her throat. "I have no need for such things."
For a moment, Kikyou amused herself with the thought of how predictable the youkai was. "Of course."
Again there was no response. The miko had to admit that she was getting tired of Sesshoumaru's unresponsiveness. "If you have nothing else to say, I must excuse myself."
She turned around, catching the sound of sword being sheathed, but was surprised when a hand grasped her shoulder, whirling her body roughly to confront him, his face twisted in cold anger. "Do not turn your back on me. You may only die by my hand, Kikyou."
"Then feel free to do so," she answered callously but made no attempt to break away from his iron grip. "I am quick to wither. If you don't do it now, you may not have another chance."
His eyes narrowed but Kikyou was quicker, her hand reaching up to place a tight clasp on his wrist, her remaining words flowing out like a river in winter, "But do keep in your mind, my youkai prince, that after you shred every part of bones and clay, divide them into half and cast a share to the boundless sea and the other atop the highest peak where no river flows to make sure I am not to be reborn. That much I suppose I can ask of you?"
If Sesshoumaru was taken aback by her words he hardly show it. "It's surprising how you want to die so badly."
"Is it?" she chuckled, letting her hand to fall to her side. "I reckon the reason is rather obvious."
"I have no interest in following a human's line of thinking."
Now she was smiling widely – insanely, if she could see it for herself. "Splendid. Then you are the best person to carry out my execution."
His hand tightened even more on her shoulder, sharp nails digging into her robe and skin, making her wince slightly. "I feel no obligation to follow a human's order either."
"But you demand me to die by your hand?" she said calmly, still maintaining the smile. "Too much fuss of you, Sesshoumaru."
"I will not allow you to depart now," he growled. "It is your fate, miko. To suffer."
For the first time, Kikyou felt her solid barrier of coolness wavered. It had not crumbled yet though, and so she looked at him straightly in the eye and demanded, her voice coming out thinner than she would have liked, "Why? When have I wronged you so gravely?"
A sneer curved his lips, as if sensing her turmoil. "I do not consider my time to be of no value to try enlightening a human's pathetic intellect."
Irritated by her own weakness, she broke free from his grasp, slapping his arm away. "Then why are you here, Sesshoumaru-sama?" she asked coldly. "Surely not only to enjoy the magnificence of the full moon, do you?"
There was a sneer on his lips, one that she had been dreading to see and yet now it was there, clear for her eyes to perceive. "Because, Kikyou," the words falling from his sneering mouth like icy droplets of blood trickling into her veins, "I do not appreciate others, especially that lowly hanyou, to take what is rightfully of my possession."
The answer was certainly not as vicious as she had anticipated. Kikyou took a half step forward, suddenly gaining the courage to smile again, albeit bitter it was. "And which of your possession have been threatened by his mere presence?"
Again he narrowed his eyes. "One that is to be dead if she dares to challenge my authority."
"But I am dead, Sesshoumaru," her smile was diminishing and her empty hand, ever so slowly, was reaching back to her quiver. Sesshoumaru's golden eyes watched in aloof indifference as she attached an arrow to her bow, fingers steady although heart palpitating erratically, and pulled the string to aim a clear shot at him. "Or do you want to die with me?"
For the third time there was no reply, only cold eyes staring into hers without anything remotely resembling an answer in them. She almost chuckled, suddenly aware that perhaps no one could really answer that question, and heaved a sigh which was torn between strange amusement and mournful calmness. "To be happy is not Kikyou's fate."
A condescending gleam flashed across Sesshoumaru's eyes. "Only pathetic weaklings like your sort see that it is fit to blame fate. It is your own choice that brings you here, human. Fate only gives you the options."
"And why do you care, youkai?" she retaliated, her fingers playing dangerously with the arrow. "Certainly this pathetic human does not worth your time."
The demon lord snorted disdainfully. "My reasons are none of your concern."
A taut string snapped within her and she could feel her hands trembled. It took all of her willpower not to unleash her arrow and see him lying dead on her feet. There was something that Sesshoumaru despised, she could sense it in his words and voice, and it was not her human nature. She gritted her teeth, holding back the searing tongues of anger that were licking the very end of her patience, and declared, "If to see me crumble to your feet is your intention, you can leave now. I would rather die first."
It must be amusement that flickered in his eyes, but she was forced to question her deduction when he spoke again, voice no less than icy cold, "Who taught you to challenge me? That spineless hanyou?"
"I do not have time to discuss this," she said briskly, bow still held up high. "I have given you the offer, Sesshoumaru. Will you take it or not?"
The youkai prince did not answer immediately. Instead, he held her gaze, a series of thoughts Kikyou could not fathom passing in his eyes in a flash, and the bowstring dug painfully into her fingers because she was holding it too tightly now. It would bleed soon and she realized that she did not care, but then he said, "Why do you want to die?"
"I am dead!" she suddenly shouted and knew, like bitter thorns stabbing her pride, that she had lost a battle. "It is a wonder that a youkai with such great intelligence as you proclaimed yourself to be is unable to process this small piece of fact."
Anger flashed across his countenance, probably the truest emotion he had ever shown her other than indifference until now, and his voice was dripping venom. "Do not shout at me."
"Fine! If you and your remarkable eloquence are not capable to answer this simple question of mine, you can stay here and continue threatening the moon. See if I care!" And with a bitter laugh she turned on her heels, her feet anxious to take her away from this man she had learned to detest so quickly and passionately. Kikyou had not yet taken her third step when a force so strong and sudden bereft her of her balance and a moment later she found herself engulfed in a white-robed arm and silvery long hair cascading down her shoulders to where her hands trembled at her side.
"You may die, Kikyou," he growled, what might be gentler nuances in other man's voice coated in thick layers of threat, "but you are not dead now."
She found herself unable to react, the bow still held tightly between her cold fingers. There was a reason why she detested Sesshoumaru and it might be this, that he was able to weaken her determination no matter how strong she had fortressed herself. She closed her eyes and whispered, her voice the thinnest wisp of mist, "My time is ending."
"It is not," he snarled, arm tightening around her and she felt her heart breaking.
"This is my body, youkai, you have to admit that I know it better than you do," she pointed out with an empty laugh, her rigidity not lessening even a trifle. "What little soul I have been lent is going to be taken away from me and the time will come soon, sooner than you think. Do you want to wake up one morning and find a broken doll lying at your side?"
"You are already broken, Kikyou," he said flatly and paid no heed to the slight wince she had tried to suppress and failed. But then he lowered his head until she could feel his steady breaths caressing the tip of her earlobe, and his voice fell into a gentler tenor as he spoke, "If I could manage with a broken doll before, certainly I will be able to do so for times to come."
"Can you?" she asked, the smallest hope draped by bitterly hollow tone. "Can you, Sesshoumaru?"
He did not speak for a long time, only his arm remaining to shelter her from the cold whispers of the wind. There were so many allusions of silence, too many of which she would not have liked because they would play with her ruined heart. As if sensing her trepidation, he then declared, his voice sounding too strained to befit the proud youkai lord he was infamous as.
"I will kill you."
Kikyou did not know what she should make of the declaration and her heart was pounding fast in her chest. She listened to the malicious voices in her head, reminding her of the pain of betrayal.
"A moment before your time ends, I will kill you," he said.
There was a tone in his voice that she had not heard for a long time and she remembered hearing it for the last time from his brother. By the river, holding her, he had promised to become a human. Her lips thinned, her resolution warring with the bitter end of her memories. Probably it was sincerity, or something more important which told her that she should believe, but Kikyou did not feel that she needed to know right now. She thought of a promise, who knows how long it would last, and she wondered if she was allowed to trust again.
And if she could be just a little selfish for once.
No one answered to her silent question. She smiled sorrowfully to the darkness of the night and lifted one hand to touch his that was resting on her waist, whispering quietly, "Thank you."
She had found a place to die.
The End
Notes: It was hell to write the Sesshoumaru-Kikyou scene. Anyway, I've done what I can. Please review if you have any comment. Thanks for reading my first Inuyasha fic!