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Catch the Wind
It was a late afternoon on a cool fall day as Jon Archer sat on the rocky shoreline, looking out to the horizon. The pale, almost cream colored sun sat low in the sky, striped with varying bands of red and surrounded by a surreally luminous sky rich with tints of deep blue and reddish pink. The juxtaposition of colors produced an effect leaning toward but not quite yet a soft purple. The water before him reflected the reddish colors in the sky, turning the water a ruddy, muted mauve only lightening slightly where the beams of light from the day's end brushed the gently morphing wave peaks. As his eyes tracked the mesmerizing, constantly rolling sea, he considered it a mirror of his unsettled soul.
Point Reyes was a place he used to come with his father…and sometimes alone…when he was younger. It was here he'd began to delight in the joys of exploration as he'd look into the myriad tide pools that formed when the water pulled away from the shore. In those small biologically lush but fragile environments he'd find purple and orange starfish, mussels, clams, and all other types of sea creatures and plants. Between that and searching the heavens through the telescope with his father, it had been a natural progression to want to go into deep space. He had wanted to see for himself what wonders lay far from this place that had been home. To discover the miracles that must be a part of the vast universe…or at least what could be found in their own galaxy.
He hadn't been back to this spot for years. Amid the various missions that Enterprise had completed…those of exploration, search, diplomacy, war…he'd told himself he didn't have the time whenever they were back on Earth to visit. The truth, though, was this was a place of memories. Sitting here, he could almost hear his father or mother calling for him, their voices letting him know it was time to come home. While a part of him loved that feeling of nostalgia, another part still felt the pain of losing his father at such a young age. He'd found that coming to the shore would rekindle the crushing pain evoked by thoughts of his father's demise. He would never forget but sometimes he found it best not to remember so deeply.
After all he'd been through over the past ten years, though, he'd finally made his peace with some of that pain, especially those earlier feelings of anger toward the Vulcans. Due to Enterprise's voyages through deep space he'd finally understood what his father hadn't fully. He now knew why the Vulcans had held them back, why his father had never been allowed to see his vision come to fruition. The galaxy was a beautiful, amazing but sometimes dangerous and deadly place to traverse. The Vulcans hadn't known how the humans would address that reality. Although Jon had some misgivings about various aspects of that first mission and even greater regrets about subsequent events, he was still glad they had gone. In hindsight, he just wished they'd been more prepared and he now understood that the Vulcans had Earth's best interest at heart when they'd assured progress had proceeded at a snail's pace.
Like most children, we didn't understand the consequences of growing up too fast.
Now, the missions were over and Enterprise was slated to become as a museum. It made sense, of course. The ship had been the first vessel to go into the part of space that only a Warp 5 ship could reveal to humanity. At the time of its launch, it had boasted cutting edge technology but now, it was simply a relic. Ships built today were larger and faster. Enterprise had simply slipped into obsolescence.
The light breeze that had been blowing picked up and mussed his hair. As he used his hand to brush it back, he realized he'd soon need a haircut. The hair was somewhat longer now since he hadn't been paying as much attention to protocol in the last few months. Lt. Reed…no Commander Reed now…wouldn't approve, he was sure. He knew, though, that he'd understand. Trip's death had been a blow to the Brit as well.
He'd been told by the powers that be that he would soon be turning in his captain's gold for admiral's piping. Currently, though, he was on leave as he reconnected to living planet side. He still was contemplating his future that would play out as a desk jockey at Starfleet headquarters with a view of the Golden Gate Bridge just outside his office. San Francisco was a place he knew well, having lived his entire life – sans his birth in his mother's native New York and his deployments – in what was still known as the City By the Bay. He was concerned that he might not be able to readjust. He still loved being out there.
We barely scratched the surface. There's so much more to see and learn.
He had a lot to think about. Trip's death had been hard on him. The guilt he felt knowing his best friend had died saving him. No one would ever know for sure but he had to believe that Trip didn't know how much plasma the conduits were carrying when he put the positive ends together. He'd stopped the threat, but Jon was certain Trip hadn't meant to sacrifice his life to assure his captain and friend would make it back to Earth. Not that way. Trip loved life too much for that.
He remembered the last weeks of Trip's life. They'd long before shored up their friendship, which had been tried so cruelly in The Expanse. They had talked about things they'd do once Enterprise was back to Earth. Diving in the Florida Keyes, skiing in Colorado, sailing in the South Seas, and checking out the various sporting events they'd had to settle watching on video during their time away – especially water polo. Now those plans were permanently cancelled. It hurt his heart to know that Trip and he would never be able to do those things again. His loss had taken some of the joy out of signing the Federation Charter. Hearing the applause at the end of his speech had an empty ring due to the high cost that had been paid for that honor.
What little heat that had warmed the day dissipated as stronger and more chilled wind blew down the coast. Jon pulled his jacket closer while acknowledging the fact that autumn was making itself known. He wasn't surprised at the coastal gusts and knew he should probably go back to get out of the cold, but he still had to sort through his feelings and felt this lonely spot was the place to do so.
She'd been there. Staying with him until the final moment when he'd begun his walk up the ramp, preparing to step onto the stage where Daniel's prophesies would take tangible form. This Federation would be solid. It would take its members far into the future, providing the framework to create a safer and more prosperous galaxy for all. He understood that the time traveler had not wanted to take a chance that this achievement would not stand.
"You look heroic," she'd said with that honest, unaffected voice of hers. He'd wondered as she spoke if she harbored any feelings for him other than deep friendship and loyalty. He'd learned over the years they served together that her feelings were there, masked from the world, but there nonetheless. He could read her in all except the heart. Her words had touched him and he returned to hug the companion that had stood by his side in both good and bad times.
She'd been hurt by Trip's death as well. The two had shared an intimate relationship years before but had settled into deep friendship after the death of their daughter, a child neither had sought but both had loved. Now Trip was laid to rest beside his offspring. They had stood at the gravesite a bit longer than the rest of the mourners, standing side by side as they had done for years, honoring their fallen comrade.
When they'd left, Jon had taken her to the 602 for the wake that Trip had told Jon he wanted once the grim reaper took him away. He'd voiced that wish after one of those close brushes the man always seemed to pull himself out of. Over a glass of bourbon Trip had made his friend promise that there would be a 'party to beat all others' to celebrate his life, not a somber affair to bewail his loss. She had accepted and participated in her own way, even raising a toast of her own to the man she had called friend for many years.
I did my best, Trip. Hope that shindig met all your expectations. I'll miss you, buddy.
Jon's thoughts returned to the present. He knew T'Pol cared about him as well. That was not in question. It was how deep those feelings went that he was uncertain of. He wondered if Vulcans loved like humans. Maybe not exactly like humans…that wouldn't be Vulcan…but something more than simple caring. He was sure he'd read signs throughout the years that she felt more for him, but that interpretation was based on human understanding. He'd never lost sight that T'Pol was Vulcan, even as she learned to navigate through years with a human crew. Thus, his sense could be totally off base where matters of the Vulcan heart were concerned. He considered that the only time they'd brought up those types of feelings more or less directly they'd decided to keep entanglements at bay. Still, he wanted to believe it was possible that she would think of him lovingly.
He'd known he couldn't pursue her while she'd been under his command. That wouldn't have been right. Initially she served as a liaison from the Vulcan High Command but he had still been her CO. Once she received her commission in Starfleet, there wasn't even that wiggle room, not that he'd ever truly considered taking it.
He couldn't let her go either, though. He'd realized after that first mission that he needed her and each light year they traveled had served to confirm that assessment. He'd realized that she was not just any Vulcan but rather the only one he'd known willing to bend like bamboo, strong but adaptable when it was logical to her. He needed her beside him as they faced humanity's first expedition into the unknown of deep space. He needed her guidance and her support. Without T'Pol, Enterprise would never have made it through to the end. Even more he understood he wouldn't have made it through to the end.
He smiled. It was different, now. She had resigned her commission in Starfleet. The last he'd talked with her, she hadn't decided exactly what she wanted to do. At the moment, she was acting as a diplomatic liaison between the Vulcan security forces and Starfleet, but she wasn't sure how long that would last. She'd had an offer to teach at the Vulcan Science Academy, and she was considering the possibility.
He thought he might ask her to come up to Point Reyes with him to walk along the coastline. He imagined what that would be like. Wondered how it would feel to have her beside him again, not as captain and first officer but as man and woman. Would he be able to take her hand as they strolled, the sand beneath their feet? Was that realistic? He had his doubts.
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
The sun had slowly dropped and as he watched; it slipped out of view tinting the sky with shades of yellow and salmon. The water shimmered as the color purple finally made its entrance as a mist rose over the shallower inlets. He became aware of the sound of birds, mostly by the lack of it. An occasional call from one of them would blend with the sound of the lapping waves that ran up to him, wetting the strand in front his position yet never reaching him, but most had gone to roost. It had been a magnificent sunset, and it did his heart good to see it as he'd mulled over these things.
He took in a breath, tasting the salt air in the now constant drafts and continued his muse. She'd seen the awesome sights of deep space with him. Would she see what he saw here on Earth when sundown paled the sky? Would she smile…or at least flash what passed for a smile for her…considering the simple beauty that the angles of light painted on his home world's atmosphere. He wanted to see again that gentling of her features and that spark in her eyes. Over the years he'd learned to recognize that almost smile and now knew he would miss it terribly if she wasn't there with him as he moved into his future. He wanted to see those eyes with him everywhere he went.
His heart fell realizing his feelings were only about what he wanted. To love her. He wanted that sweetness in his life, wanted his heart to sing. Wanted that love to be returned. But what did she want? Could he capture her heart?
The first few twinkling stars had started to appear amongst the clouds that were blowing in from the west. There weren't many points of light yet in the last light of the day and knew that the light pollution of the city would prevent seeing many more. He remembered being a small child and still believing one could wish upon the first one seen at night. He understood now that such a magical thought was long behind him but that space had never lost its power over him.
I miss the stars already. I wonder if she does as well.
He got up awkwardly. He was still in good shape but at 50, he was feeling more of the stiffness that came with human aging especially when he'd been in one position for too long. It was time to go back, while it was still twilight and there was light enough to pick his way along the path. Besides, the chill had finally reached his core. Reaching his flitter car, he shook off the sand before folding in behind the controls. During the trip back to his apartment, the clouds he'd seen gathering began to drop their moisture upon the land in a light drizzle. He parked his car and walked back from the garage. Space was still at a premium for such things in the city. Still, where he lived was across from a park, which gave him and Porthos someplace natural to enjoy amongst the asphalt and steel of San Francisco.
He made it home and was greeted by the wagging tail and multiple licks the small canine bestowed upon him lavishly. After ordering some take out Chinese, he took his companion out for his evening walk. He sighed watching the dog move carefully, sniffing before finding a bush to his liking and then taking care of his business. The dog now showed grey on his muzzle, and Jon was under no illusions that Porthos was still young. Time took its toll on all. The little dog padded back to Jon and the two returned to the apartment. The dog appeared concerned by Jon's mood, using that graying muzzle to touch his hand and let him know he had a friend. He rubbed the dog's head.
"I'll be alright. I just need to think it all through."
The dog seemed to accept his words and simply lay down beside him after his dinner. A few hours later, fed and relaxed from reading a favorite book, Jon turned in, Porthos having lost his ability to keep vigil several hours before. Jon's dreams bowed to his subconscious will and she was with him again. Working together, exploring together, and protecting one another in any way they could they moved through the odd reality of the night world that took its cues from the life he and T'Pol had shared. And as often happened he also dreamt the fantasy of their love for one another. He could feel his hand stroking her hair, smell the subtle scent of the desert cactus flower on her skin, and taste her lips upon his. Even knowing it was a dream didn't change the fact that his desire for her was potent.
When he awoke, it was with wisps of his dreams tantalizing him and the feelings still strong. He wished he could hold onto the vision but once in the light of day they never stayed. Not clearly anyways. He was reminded of a quote from Thoreau.
"Love is an attempt to change a piece of a dream-world into reality."
Yes. At least it was true for him. He made his coffee and then called his dog for their morning ritual in the park. He felt restless and somewhat blue from his musings. The dog still appeared concerned, his eyes often upon the human he'd lived with since he was a pup. As they walked across the street, Jon considered the commons that had become a sanctuary for him. The parkland had matured in the years he'd been away. Small saplings had grown into mature trees. Those trees hadn't yet lost their leaves on that October day but the colors were changing. The rain from the night before had left the leaves dewy. He couldn't help but compare the small droplets that would occasionally fall to tears. He figured it was just his mood which caused him to take such a poetic view of his surroundings.
Sitting on a bench in the relative silence before the city exploded into sound, Jon watched as Porthos again reconed the area. He sipped his coffee and allowed his mind to float, not surprised that it relit on his dilemma. The fact was that he loved a woman that had come to mean everything to him. He didn't want her to go to Vulcan. He wanted her to stay in San Francisco. He wanted to be able to see her on a daily basis, as they had for ten years. He wanted her to help banish the melancholy that had claimed his soul.
He realized that if there was even a possibility of reaching her heart, he'd need to talk with her. Let her know his feelings for her. He knew it was a risk and that should she choose to rebuff him as anything more than a friend, he'd have to respect her decision. Still, he had to know once and for all if there could be an 'us;' a place for this Vulcan female and himself beyond a comfortable closeness. For that was the only place he wanted to be. The only place he longed to be. He reminded himself it could be a long shot.
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.
Pushing the thought away, he pulled out his communication device and chose her code. He knew she would be working and there wouldn't be time for gentle, unhurried talk. Besides, she would want him to get to the point. She may have learned to tolerate small talk but as a Vulcan, it was not preferred.
At her answer, he spoke, hoping his voice was as calm and casual as he'd schooled it. "T'Pol, I have something important I'd like to talk to you about. Can we meet for dinner? Tonight? My treat."
"I would treasure such an evening," she responded calmly.Was it his imagination or was there energy in her response akin to pleasure?He wished he could see her eyes and he would know for sure. He'd have to wait.
"Great. I'll pick you up at seven." After receiving her agreement, he ended the call. As he put the device back into his pocket, he considered his father's words to him those many years ago.
"You can't be afraid of the wind. Learn to trust it."
"Come on, Porthos." The dog stopped his exploring and walked back to his master. The two proceeded back to the apartment, the dog content that his human appeared more relaxed and the human content with the knowledge that after tonight, he'd know if the wind trusted him with her heart.