Notes: Huge thanks to kHo for being my wonderful beta on this – she kicked my arse and prompted me to add bits in, and was generally fantastic and supporting. AND she had a headache and wanted to sleep and I'm so sorry for keeping you up babe, I'll make it up to you! Lol.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. It's just my musings from Danny's PoV; a bit of introspection for his character, where he maybe learns a little something about himself. I couldn't get it out of my head after a conversation on Tumblr with boazpriestly, and had to get it out there.
He actually wonders if anyone else has worked it out, sometimes.
Maybe they haven't. Maybe they're as blind to it as he used to be. As blind as he wishes he was again.
Or maybe they know, have always known, and they're just waiting for the penny to drop with him.
They must have seen the not so subtle looks, the touches, the affection disguised as close friendship. Platonic familiarity masking something deeper.
He's said the words, he is fully aware. He's put two and two together in his own mind, he's not an idiot. He's a detective, after all.
Oh, he knows. He knows he's head over heels in love with Steven McGarrett. He just hopes his partner hasn't worked it out yet.
His team knows what he said to Melissa about those three important words. "When I say it, it means something."
And he has said 'it' to Steve, so many times.
"I love you..."
Usually followed up by a "buddy" or "pal", or a few thumps on the back during a hug, and more often than not following after a life-or-death situation they've just scraped through. But he still meant it. Every single time. Every single word.
And he wishes he didn't know he meant it. And not because he thinks the target of his long-buried affections might reject him... quite the opposite.
Because he knows that if he got Steve - wholly and completely, mind body and soul - it could be the most wonderful thing ever to happen to him.
Or it could be the end of him.
Because what if he had that, if he was given a glimpse of heaven, only to have it taken away? After all, their job is a dangerous one. Steve could be killed or kidnapped or taken from him. The amount of times the man has been shot, stabbed, or almost beheaded is ridiculous.
Or Steve could decide it's not worth it, putting up with the black hole of negativity that is Danny Williams. He'd end up driving the Navy man away, drown him in anxiety and desperation until Steve tells him it's over and they can't be together. Can't be lovers, partners, friends.
What would happen then?
His world would end. Crumble. Cease to be.
Because if he invested everything, all of his love and hope and need, in one person, and they were taken from him? He would die. And there is no alternative to that, no half measures or holding back, because he would invest everything in Steve if they were together. One hundred per cent of his soul, every inch of his being, every fucking iota of himself, would go into that relationship. Because that was who he was, and this was Steve. That man deserved his complete and utter dedication.
He would be his everything. Partner, friend, brother and lover. So losing him would mean losing everything, and he couldn't go through that again.
He's lost partners before. Two, actually. Grace Tilwell, who was shot in front of his eyes while they were tied to chairs and defenceless. He had to watch the light drain from her once-bright eyes, and while each year the world mourns the twin towers, he selfishly mourns one beautiful individual. The second, Meka Hanamoa. Meka the one member of HPD who valued Danny as a cop, who would work with him despite him being a loudmouth ha'ole, murdered by a dirty cop masquerading as a friend. He was killed for drugs and money which were worthless in comparison to his life, and Danny was too busy running around with Five-0 to be there for him. At least that's how it felt to Danny. Like he'd abandoned him, because if he had stuck around, Meka wouldn't have been on his own. Danny would have had his back, and Billy and Amy wouldn't have lost a father and a husband.
So he can't. He can't lose another partner. Two is enough for a lifetime. More than enough; too much.
Friends he's lost before, too. Billy was only a child when he drowned, just yards from Danny, establishing his long-held, embedded hatred for the water and swimming which only Steve, Kono and Chin have thus far been able to break. The fact that they had so much experience with the ocean was the only reason they had ever been able to help him – a Navy SEAL, an ex-surfing champion, and an island native who had grown up with the water at his feet. But back then, with Billy, he couldn't get to him in time, couldn't rescue him before he was gone.
Brothers, well. He would also lose a brother in Steve, and lord knows he's already gone through that agony. Matty wasn't perfect, but he was a good man... he just made some stupid decisions. And Danny couldn't (or maybe wouldn't, he's never figured out the answer to that) stop his little brother from getting on that plane and leaving. Couldn't stop him ending up in an oil barrel in too many pieces.
All people who he couldn't save, each soul weighing on his conscience like lead weights. If he couldn't forgive himself for them, how could he ever carry on knowing Steve was gone forever, that he'd never be coming home? That death would weigh his heart down until he could no longer stand. He would blame himself, regardless of how it happened.
And last but certainly not least, he would lose his significant other. One more in a list of too many. There's only so much a heart can take, he thinks.
Rachel, of course. Life had... got in the way... She'd hated his work, thought it was too dangerous, and maybe she was right. But it was his calling, it was what he was built for, and he couldn't change that. They'd thought they could repair it, got back together in Hawaii and produced Charlie, not that he knew for three years that the little boy was his. The relationship with Rachel had soured so far from the original – built on passion, adoration and affection – to the point where he couldn't look at her without feeling anger and betrayal, couldn't forgive her even for the sake of their children.
He couldn't bear for that to happen with the SEAL he had come to cherish.
Gabby had been the first person he truly felt a connection with, besides his work partner, since the divorce. She'd left him because she wanted to follow her path, and he understood that, couldn't deny her that. That didn't mean it didn't tear holes in his soul when she walked out of the door. She was beautiful, intelligent, kind; everything he wanted in the person he would share the rest of his life with. She was magical when it came to Grace, connecting with her so easily, and where Danny had shied away from introducing them at first because he was afraid, when they'd finally met and bonded he'd wondered why the hell he'd ever wanted to keep them separate. But then his fears had been realised, and when Gabby had left him, she'd also left Grace – a double blow to his heart.
So if Steve became his everything – partner, friend, brother, lover – and if he were to walk away, die, fall out of love... It would leave him with nothing.
Every single terrible, bitter, agonising, haunting, burning moment of his life, every knife to his gut and scar to his heart, would happen all over again. Echoes of ghosts past would come back for him, to take everything he had all over again in one excruciating hit. With one single closed door, one death, one loss... his universe would implode.
If he is honest with himself, that won't happen when Melissa eventually leaves him. And he knows she will; it's inevitable, unavoidable, expected. He'll be upset, of course, he likes her a lot, but it's too close to comfortable and safe to be actual love. He doesn't love her. He can't even say it to her after almost three years.
She deserves more, he knows she does, and really so does he. But right now, they're content to meander along as they are. Melissa makes him feel young, and he makes her feel secure. He won't hurt her or control her like her ex-husband, he'll look after her and give her what he can even if it falls short of what she is worthy of, and she'll return the affection that he can never truly match. He'll give her the romance and the lingerie and the sex and the cuddles on the couch; the domesticity, the relationship, the surface level of love that maybe isn't backed up by the depth of feeling that should be there.
Maybe by admitting to her that he can't say 'I love you' after three years, he's giving her an out. It could be that she'll take it, but it's also possible she is staying for the safety of their relationship as well. Perhaps she's as damaged as he is.
Right now, he's just waiting for her to realise she's worth more, and leave him. It will happen; it's just a matter of time, just like with Rachel and Gabby. She'll move on, and he'll be alone again. He's dealt with that fact.
On the day that happens, he'll be wounded, but he'll be okay. He'll survive and pick himself up and carry on. He couldn't do that if it was a certain SuperSEAL.
So yes, he knew. He was more than aware that he was in love with Steven McGarrett. And that was precisely why he could never allow himself to act on his love for the man. To admit it to Steve, to another human being, to himself.
He could never make that final step, close that gap, take that chance. Because the way his mind worked told him that the possibility of loss was too high. The bad was not worth the potential good.
But who was he kidding? Because his mind said he couldn't, he shouldn't... but his heart told him it was way too late for rationality to have any say in the matter. And Danny had always been ruled by his heart. Because it doesn't matter if he allows himself to love him or not, the fact is he does. He can't change that, and in reality he isn't even sure he wants to.
Pros versus cons meant nothing when dealing with emotions, because there was nothing logical about this. He could tell himself the loss would be too painful to bear all he liked; it wouldn't stop the way he felt.
You can't stop yourself from falling in love.
And maybe, just maybe, for them... the reward was worth the risk.
End notes: I know this was a bittersweet journey for Danno, but maybe that ending was kind of… hopeful?
I'd like to think so…