This outtake corresponds to chapter 36 when Bella tells Edward about her rock bottom moment. It is told from Jacob's POV. If you couldn't already tell, I love Jacob. He is my ideal perfect friend. Everyone needs somebody like this Jacob in their lives.
Chapter 1: Rock Bottom
JBOV
I was actually attempting to spend a peaceful day with my dad for the first time in months. The guilt I was starting to feel for abandoning him was starting to eat away at me. I have always been his main priority, even before mom died. But since her passing, he has become more than just my dad. He has tried to be not only a dad but a mom and family as well. He truly believes that our tribal ancestors have watched over the both of us and helped us through the difficult times. He is also certain that our ancestors have passed down tribal knowledge and secrets to the elders of our tribe, which he technically is; even if he is a thousand miles away.
But as guilty as I feel for leaving him to his own devices; he has encouraged me to do just that. Says I'm needed elsewhere. Somewhere that I can do good. And he's right. I spend nearly every waking minute with Bella; my best friend, my sister, my soul mate in so many ways...romantically being the exception. Other than my dad, she is the most important person in my life and right now she is in pain. I ache to see her hurting but all I can do is be there for her, in whatever way she will allow. I'm hurting too. Those three girls have been my life for as long as I can remember. Bella, Elizabeth, and Katie...they have provided me many years of undying friendship and loyalty.
When all the other little boys were busy chasing the girls around with frogs and worms, or throwing dirt at them; I was busy punching in the faces of those boys. You didn't mess with my girls. If you did, well you'd have to answer to me; and that was a well known fact. I will even admit to playing my fair share of Barbie and house. Hell I'll even confess to playing dress up; yes including make up and hair. But I'd do anything to make the three of them happy. They were my best friends and I would rather spend time with them than anyone else.
Most dads would have been worried about their little boy hanging around with the girls all the time. I'm sure people even suspected I was gay, but they were too chicken shit to say anything about it to me. I may hang out with the girls but I was all male. And a big male at that. My dad knew how close we all were. Their parents did as well, so our constantly spending time together never bothered them. I think they even appreciated it, especially when the girls started to blossom. My constant presence kept away stupid guys.
We did everything together. In recent years I had even taken to attending their practices with them. I hadn't missed one recital in all of the years of our friendship and we had a group sleepover every weekend at one of our four houses. We were a unit. As close as any guy and girl can be without being in a non platonic relationship. And the best part...we were all okay with that. As special as Katie and Elizabeth were to me though, Bella was always something more. It was never romantic. Life would have been much easier if it had been, but we were destined to remain only friends. We tried to force a relationship, and it went well at first. Actually nothing changed from our normal routine. Well that is until we kissed; I mean really kissed. Needless to say, that ended our attempt dead in its tracks. It wasn't that Bella was a bad kisser but it was just a kiss. Nothing special. Felt like I was kissing my sister. Not a good thing to have in a relationship. So things went back to the way they always were...Jake and his three girls.
Well that bastard James took that away. Elizabeth is dead, Katie is confined to a wheelchair and learning to adjust to her new life, and Bella. Well I'm scared shitless that I'm going to lose her. She may be alive, but she isn't living and I don't know that I'll ever see her beautiful brown eyes spark with life again.
She's trying but that black hole just keeps pulling her back down. I thought things were going to get better after I had to break down her bedroom door and they did for a while but lately I can tell she is spiraling into depression again. I want more than anything to be able to help her; to heal her. But I'm just a teenage boy trying his best to deal with the death of one of his best friends, the life altering injuries or another, and possibly losing his dearest friend of all to the darkness that won't let her go. On top of that I'm still in school trying to make it graduation so I can take Bella and get her the hell away from this place. Oh and then there is my dad. I don't know how much more I can take. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and scream 'I give up' but I know that will never happen. I would never let my loved ones down like that. I just hope that I'm able to do some good.
"Jake? Where did you go son?" My dad's voice brought me out of my thoughts and I could see he was worried.
"Just thinking dad. It's still so hard to believe the reality of what has happened. I still wake up sometimes and pick up my phone to call Elizabeth. Do you know I did that the other morning and it wasn't until her mom answered that I realized what I did?"
"Son, I'm so sorry that you kids have had to go through this. I miss her too. She was like one of my own. And poor Katie. I know she will be okay. She's a strong one but it will be a tough road for her. But Bella, Jake, I'm so worried about her. I know you and her have an unexplainable bond and just like you, I am closer to her than the others. Doesn't mean I love them less, I just feel something special for Bella. Maybe it's because I've known her her whole life. I just don't see her getting better and I'm so scared for her. Charlie can hardly keep himself in Forks. It is killing him not to be here for his baby."
"What can I do dad? She seemed like she was getting better a little while back but over the past few weeks I can see her spiraling again."
"Just be there for her son. That's all you can do."
We sat in silence watching ESPN and catching up on all the latest scores. I was getting ready to suggest something to eat when my phone rang. I panicked when I saw the caller ID; 'Renee'. I knew something had to be wrong. She knew I was spending the day with my dad.
"Renee...what's wrong?" I asked in a rush.
"Jake, it's Phil. Look, I hate to ask you this. But can you come over? Renee and I are terribly worried about Bella and you're the only person that can get through to her most of the time. She hasn't come out of her room since you left yesterday. Renee doesn't want to set her off so she isn't pushing, but I think Bella needs someone right now. Every time I walk by her door, I can hear her crying." I could hear the pleading in his voice.
"I'll be right there Phil. Don't say anything to either Renee or Bella. You know how they can get."
At least I was able to get a chuckle out of him.
"Dad, I'm sorry about this, but Phil wants me to come over and try to get through to Bella. Said she hasn't left her room since yesterday. They can tell she is shutting down as well too."
"You go and take care of our girl. Just call me when you can. And Jake. I am so proud of you. Most kids your age would have given up a long time ago, but you persist, even when it doesn't seem like there is anything to hope for. I love you son." And although I'm a teenage boy, my father made me blush.
"Thanks dad. I love you too."
I jumped in my car and raced to Bella's house. I let myself in like normal and made my way to Bella's room. As I suspected, her door was locked. I couldn't hear any movement in her room. I knocked on the door and called out to Bella. I got no response. After doing this for five minutes, I went to find Phil. After breaking the door the last time, Phil and Renee made me agree to use a less forceful way of entry if it ever came to that again. Phil was watching ESPN and Renee was asleep in her room. I had the brief thought to send Phil to my house to hang out with my dad.
"Phil I need a screwdriver and a hammer. She's locked herself in and won't answer the door. Since she is being stubborn, I'm going to be persistent. I'm going to take the door off it's hinges."
Phil got me the requested tools and then went to help me. After we successfully removed the hinges, Phil went back downstairs. I walked into her empty bedroom. Since the door was locked from the inside, there was no way she left through that exit. I checked the window next...locked. I was getting ready to open her bathroom door when I heard sniffling. Bingo.
I knocked and got no reaction. I hesitantly tried the door knob and it was unlocked. I gently pushed the door open, not wanting to scare her. But the scene I encountered scared me. Scared me to death. Bella was sitting in the middle of her bathroom floor silently crying. Big fat tears were rolling off her face and down her neck. There were pill bottles sitting on the counter in front of her and in her hand was a razor blade.
My lungs expelled every particle of air that was residing there. I was gasping for breath at the sight Bella so broken.
"Bella..." I asked and it came out as a breathless whisper.
She jerked her head in my direction and her eyes were glazed over. I knew this look. This was the look she had when the doctors were fucking with the levels of her medication. She also got that look whenever she started taking meds again. I knew her prescription hadn't changed. I was at her last doctor's appointment with her, which meant one thing. Bella had stopped taking her meds sometime back and had recently started taking them again. That combined with the fact that she was holding a fucking razor blade in her hand made my heart beat out of my chest.
"Jake..."
I ran to her and yanked the blade from her as gently as I could and then gathered her in my arms.
"What the hell Bella? We have to get you to a hospital babe. You need to tell me what you took, how much, and how long ago."
She just stared at me like I was stupid.
"Come on Bella. You have to help me here. Never mind, I'll just take the bottles with us." I gathered her in my arms and started to stand up.
Something made her snap to attention.
"Where are you taking me?" She was starting to get hysterical.
"To the hospital. Where else would I be taking you?" I knew I sounded like an ass but I was to my breaking point.
"Jake...I know what this looks like but I promise you that's not what happened. Just stop and let me explain."
"Bella, how many pills have you taken?" I demanded
"Just one. I promise. I swear Jake, I wasn't trying to hurt myself."
I looked in her eyes and although they still seemed glazed over, now I could tell that it was mostly due to her extensive crying. I could also see the truth of her words.
"Fine, but you start talking. Right. Now."
"Can you get me something to drink and maybe fix my door. I don't want my mom and Phil to know about this." She begged.
"Fine, but after I do that. You're talking. Understand?"
"I promise Jake."
So I found her something to drink and then Phil and I fixed the door. It didn't take that long and when Phil asked why Bella hadn't answered her door earlier, she apologized and said that she was taking a bath and had her headphones in and fell asleep. This was believable because this happened to her frequently.
After Phil went back downstairs, we curled up on her bed and started talking.
"Bella? What happened? And you better tell me the truth. You know I won't judge you but I want you to get better. Bella it's killing me to see you like this. I won't sit by and let you hurt yourself." And I couldn't help the tears that fell from my eyes.
"I'm so sorry Jake. I know what it looked like but I swear to you that I had no intentions of harming myself. I was actually proving to myself that I want to live. That I want to get better. That my life does mean something. In a strange fucked up way the fact that I couldn't do it let me know that I didn't want to." She stopped to collect herself.
"I stopped taking my meds a while ago. I felt like I was getting better and you know how much I hate taking those stupid pills. It was a mistake. I should have never tried to do it on my own. I could have asked my doctor to start lowering the dosage but you know how hardheaded I am." And I had to laugh at her because it was the damn truth.
"I've just had too much time in my own head lately. I mean the normal stuff is screwing me up. Thinking about Elizabeth, Katie, and what the bastard did...well Jake I have some major issues. It's all my fault."
"What the hell Bella. You know that isn't the truth. Please god tell me you don't really think that."
"How can I not? If not for me, Elizabeth would still be alive and Katie would be able to walk. It's because of me that James got to them that night. Had I not asked them to help me out, they wouldn't have been there."
"Bullshit. Even if they hadn't agreed to play with you that night, they still would have been there. You know they wouldn't have gone on spring break without you. So you can't argue that. It's pointless."
"We can agree to disagree right now. I don't feel like fighting. I'm so tired Jake. I just want to sleep."
"You can sleep after we talk." I said giving her no room to disagree.
"It's not just the guilt that is killing me. The holidays are going to be difficult to say the least and to top it off, now I have the trial to deal with. I have no idea when or if I'll ever be able to sit down at a piano or pick up my clarinet. I'm going to have to give up my scholarship and if that happens, all the shit that happened that night would truly be for nothing. All these things were twisting around in my head and for a fleeting moment I had the thought that things might just be better without me. It was a selfish thought, I know."
"Bella, I really think you need to talk to your parents. Maybe even check yourself into the hospital for a few days for observation."
"No Jake, please don't. They have enough on their plates already. I don't want to worry them anymore than I already do. Please Jake for me."
She knew I'd give in to her. If I honestly thought that she was a danger to herself I would take her to the hospital myself but I believed her. I just hope I was making the biggest mistake of my life. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
"Fine Bella but here are the new rules. You break them and our deal is off. I will tell you parents about this episode and have you involuntarily committed. You will go see your doctor next week and get them to adjust your dosage. Once your meds get fixed, I will not only be counting your pills but also giving them to you. And I do mean physically...placing them in your mouth and making sure you swallow them. You will clear out all razor blades from your bedroom and bathroom...today. If you need to shave your legs or wherever else you shave, tell me. I'll get you a razor and I will be sitting in this room timing you while you are in the shower or bath. Oh and you will start seeing a therapist. I won't say you have to do that now because I know there is enough going on right now, but god Bella. You have to get some help. You may hate me for this but fuck Bella. I'd rather you hate me and be alive than me pacify you and you end up dead."
"I know Jake. I promise. Whatever you say. I want to get better. I really do. I'll do whatever you ask me to do. I really do want to live. I'm so fucking sick of feeling this way. I just don't know how to do it. I feel so guilty and responsible. I feel useless. I feel lifeless but above all...I feel lost. I miss Elizabeth. God I miss her so much. Jake, I dream about her and it's so real. I wake up thinking she is going to be sleeping next to me like so many mornings or our past. It's been 8 months and it isn't getting any easier. I dream of the days that the four of us spent doing absolutely nothing, spending days at the lake, just being. It will never be that way again. She was so beautiful and so full of life. She had so much to offer and now she's just...gone."
Both Bella and I were clinging to each other and crying. I knew Bella was in pain but I never realized just how much. This was going to be an uphill struggle for Bella and unfortunately she was at the very bottom of the hill. But I wouldn't give up on her. I made up my mind at that moment that I would do everything it took to heal Bella, even if it took me until my last breath.
I had to get her through the holidays first then the trial. After that I would push for her to start attending extensive therapy. It was my hope that once she started therapy she'd be able to play again and then she wouldn't have to give up her scholarship. I knew Bella would never move to Washington by herself so I made another life altering decision. At that moment I knew my dream of attending ASU was just that...a dream. I had to apply to the University of Washington and get accepted. I had to do that because that's where Bella's scholarship was from. She would get her dream if it's that last thing I do. Just seeing her happy would be enough for me. She may not be the love of my life but she is the love of my life. I know that may sound confusing but she was my first love and will always be special. Love doesn't have to be romantic.
After Bella calmed down, I managed to get her to eat and she finally fell asleep. She made me promise to stay with her; as if I was going to let her stay alone after the events of the day. Even if she promised she had no intentions of hurting herself, I wasn't leaving. I called my dad to let him know I wouldn't be home that night. He had no problem with me staying with Bella so much, but he did ask that I let him know why. I could trust him. He wouldn't go behind my back and tell Charlie and Renee what was going on.
I made plans to talk with him tomorrow. Not only would I have to fill him in on what was going on with Bella, but I also needed to let him know about my future plans. Somehow I didn't think he'd be too disappointed. This may just give him the push he needs to get his ass back to La Push. That thought only strengthened my resolve. I could give up ASU for my dad and Bella. The two most important people in my life. When I thought of it that way, well there was no sacrifice at all.
That day was rock bottom for Bella. I knew she couldn't get much lower than she already was. I just needed to be her stepping stones to crawl out of the pit of despair she was currently residing in. She had the love of support of her family and friends. She just needed to see her own self worth.
I was finally able to fall asleep that night and despite the events of the day, I finally felt like things would honestly and truly start to get better. I had to think that way...the alternative was too tragic to even consider.