Author's note: this came to me as I was watching Tori Goes Platinum. I know it's been done dozens of times before, but there was just something in Jade's expressions and behaviour throughout the episode that inspired me to write things from her perspective, so here we are.
This is my first ever (well, excluding some quite pitiful attempts when I was much younger) at fan fiction. Constructive criticism is very much welcomed, flaming is not. Thanks and enjoy!
"Absolutely!"
She only said yes because she wanted to get back at them. In her heart she knew that taking Tori's place at the Platinum Music Awards was a horrible thing to do to Tori, but what the heck – if the little gank was going to flirt with Beck in front of her, she deserved to be punished.
Mason Thornesmith put an arm around her and started to walk away. As she looked over her shoulder to Beck and Tori, she expected to see jealousy and rage on their faces. But when she looked over to Tori, she instantly felt bad – Tori looked so small, so hurt. Then she looked at Beck. He stared at her hard. He looked shocked and disgusted with her, and her triumph at getting back at them for hanging out together – because basically that was all they had been doing, right? – made way for a churning feeling of guilt in the pit of her stomach. She raised her eyebrows and smiled at the pair of them triumphantly. Even if she was feeling bad, she wouldn't allow them to see how she really felt.
When she'd turned away from them, however, her face fell; she stared at the floor, as Mason led her away, a crowd of students and paparazzi still cheering deafeningly around her. All of a sudden, she felt lonely and insecure; she was always the mean one, the sarcastic one, the rude one. That was what everyone thought of her; she was Jade West, and if you crossed her path you would regret it. But suddenly, Tori and Beck's looks of disappointment and disgust still edged in her mind, she wondered if that how she wanted people to see her. Because that wasn't how she was. Sure, she was annoyed by a lot of things – her videos about things she hated were mostly true, and people in general, teenagers, just aggravated her. But she wasn't a bad person, or at least she didn't think she was.
Mason took her to the studio immediately – with only a day and a half left for the show, they needed to start rehearsing. She rehearsed her song, got her costume fit and re-fit, got her make-up done. As she was sitting in the make-up chair, the stylist applying what seemed like a pound of eyeshadow, her thoughts wandered back to Beck and her friends.
Back when she was with Beck – she tried hard not to think of the moment he left her standing outside of Tori's door – she had never had a reason to justify herself or her behavior. Beck loved her, that was all she needed to be happy. Back then, she believed she had friends, but she didn't really care. Her whole world revolved around Beck. Then, when they broke up, and she was standing on Tori's doorstep, she felt, for the first time, how her behavior towards everybody had finally gotten back at her. Beck didn't come out, but neither did any of the others; they chose to stay with him, with Beck, because they obviously preferred him as a friend over her. Did they even consider her a friend?
She pulled out her phone; she wasn't surprised to see a text message from Cat saying how thrilled she was for her and to please bring her some bibble. Cat was her best friend, and even though she liked Tori, she would never let Jade down. What she didn't expect were Robbie's and André's texts to congratulate her. Even Tori had sent her an encouraging message, even though her disappointment at missing out to perform on the PMA's was bleeding through every word on the screen. There was no text message from Beck.
The weeks after the break up had been awkward; Jade hung out with the rest of the gang, including Beck, because she didn't really have anyone else she could turn to. They tolerated her; she wondered if they had ever been anything but that – tolerant towards her. She was mildly comforted by the idea that they still talked to her and saw her as 'one of them' even now that she and Beck weren't together anymore. It proved that they didn't just allow her to be with them because she was Beck's girlfriend.
Still, now that she'd taken Tori's place at the Platinum Music Awards, she hadn't thought any of her friends would still see her the same way. She'd done a lot of things to boycot Tori in the past, but this was different; the PMA's would have been a huge opportunity for Tori. They could have meant her big breakthrough, and would possibly even have resulted in a record deal. Which was what Tori always dreamed of, Jade knew.
Jade was aware of Tori's dream to be a popstar; while she wasn't particularly impressed with the idea – because honestly, did the world really need another Miley Cyrus or Selena Gomez? Besides, she was more into acting anyway – she knew Tori was talented enough to be noticed by record companies, especially if she got a chance to perform on something big like the PMA's. And now Jade had taken that chance away from her.
Jade wasn't especially particular towards Tori; sure, she was a nice and friendly girl, and she was talented, but her sweetness and naivity annoyed Jade. Besides, she still hadn't forgiven her for kissing her boyfriend on her second day at Hollywood Arts.
Ex-boyfriend, she reminded herself. Even though it had been months, it still stung whenever she thought of the fact that Beck wasn't hers anymore. She was still mad at him for humiliating her in front of all her friends and leaving her to stand out there, hoping he would open the door and embrace her and make everything all right. He never came. It still hurt to think about it.
She sent a text to André, Cat and Robbie, inviting them to come watch her rehearsal. She was careful to soften her usually snappy tone; after all, she was grateful that they still supported her after what she'd pulled on Tori.
She didn't invite Tori or Beck; she didn't think asking Tori to come watch her when it should've been her would come across as very considerate. And Beck... she didn't ask him because she was mad at him for hurting her and because she couldn't get his incredulous and disgusted face out of her head. It made her realize that she had really gone too far this time; Beck usually saw the humor of Jade's snide remarks on Tori. Not this time. This time he was Tori's man. "Backstory," Sikowitz had said in class. "Back story. Beck's Tori." The way he had supported her throughout this entire thing, the way he hugged her, the way he looked at her... Jade felt a pang in her heart. This time he was in love with Tori.
She bolted upright in her chair, causing the hairdresser to jump and pull painfully at her hair.
"Ouch, watch what you're doing!"
"Sit still!"
She assumed her former position in the chair, ignoring the hairdresser's angry remarks about disrespectful teen stars and shooting him one of her most piercing glares. On any other day she would probably have thrown a tantrum, but right now her heart wasn't in it. The thought of Beck loving Tori had physically shaken her. And yet, it shouldn't have surprised her. It all made sense. The kiss on Tori's second day of school, Beck constantly reprimanding her for making fun of Tori, always choosing her side; Beck had obviously had a thing for Tori all along. He probably just didn't know how to get rid of Jade. And then she'd given him the opportunity. "So you want to break up?" she'd asked him, and where before he probably hadn't even given it a thought, the possibility must have suddenly dawned on him. He didn't have to be with Jade. Why would he want to be with a little punk like her when he could have someone like Tori Vega, sweet and pretty and perky, the perfect girl who got all the roles she auditioned for and got top marks in all of their classes.
Jade hated Tori. Ever since that first stage kiss with Beck, she had seen her as a threat to their relationship and now, finally, she had been proved right. It had taken her some time, but Vega had at last separated them and put her perfectly manicured little claws in her Beck.
Suddenly Jade didn't feel guilty about performing in Tori's place anymore; she deserved it. Jade was a better singer anyway; she wasn't just another little popstar, her voice was deep, full of emotion, mature. She had a baggage that sweet little overprotected Tori lacked. Mason wouldn't have tried to give her a makeover, she was already unique. And tomorrow, she would show that to the entire country, no – to the world. To hell with Vega, she'd already stolen all of Jade's school play leads ever since she'd transferred to Hollywood Arts. But tomorrow night would be her night, Jade's night. Jade West would finally be able to get back at perfect little Tori Vega.
xxx
The night wore on; Mason had her trying on dozens of outfits, but none of them seemed to satisfy him. As she sent Cat and Oliver to get yet another hideously sparkly skirt, she went over to lean against the makeup table. She was tired and grumpy and she wanted to go home. She closed her eyes. Why had she gotten herself into this? But it would all be worth it. Tomorrow night, she'd be an international sensation, and Tori Vega would still be stuck in the dust.
Her eyes snapped open as she heard an all to familiar voice behind her. She spun around and found herself staring at Cat's laptop screen, which still had a video chat window open. She saw Vega's living room. More importantly, she saw Vega sitting on the couch in her living room. With Beck.
Jade got a sinking feeling in her stomach; her arms went limp. She moved closer to the screen and zoomed in on Beck and Tori, who were sitting on the sofa sharing what seemed to be a rather intimate conversation. Then suddenly, she saw before her eyes the doom scenario that had haunted her in her dreams ever since Beck had kissed Vega on her second day at Hollywood Arts. Beck leaned in, his intentions obvious.
Jade's mind went blank. No. Nononononononono, that was all she could think. Her entire body screamed for him to stop, but he didn't, he just kept leaning closer. She'd been right all along. How could he? After all those times he'd assured her he wasn't into Tori, that he didn't like her that way, that she wasn't his type, that she even annoyed him sometimes – they were all lies. Filthy, miserable lies.
But wait – Tori wasn't leaning in. She wasn't making any attempts to get closer to him. He pulled away awkwardly. He muttered something Jade couldn't quite catch, and Tori told him it was okay.
"I can't."
"Why not?" he asked, baffled. Ha, thought Jade. Serves him right, being the one to be turned down for once.
"Because of Jade."
Jade froze. What? Tori wouldn't kiss Beck because of her? They weren't even friends!
Beck told her the same thing in no uncertain terms. She cringed inwardly. He added a few insults to Jade for good measure, which hurt her more than she was willing to admit, even if what he said was true.
"I can't do that to a friend." Of course. Leave it to Vega to be nice to the one person who had probably humiliated and pestered her more than anyone else.
She tried to maintain her vengeful thoughts towards Tori, she really did – but she couldn't help the wave of gratitute for Tori that washed over her. However, her newfound appreciation for the brunette quickly made way for a much more unpleasant revelation. Beck had tried to kiss Tori. He would have if she hadn't stopped him. That Tori bloody Vega was the object of his affection wasn't even the worst part. What really devastated her was that he was moving on. He was over her.
She slammed the laptop closed and straightened herself, blinking rapidly. It was truly over. For weeks, months now, Jade had been telling herself that this was just another phase, that they would eventually get back together, say their 'I'm sorrys' and make up. Not this time. She and Beck would never be together again, they would never be BeckandJade again.
She swallowed hard, trying to push the growing feeling of despair in the pit of her stomach. Now was not the time to dwell on her failed relationship with Beck. Really, what she'd just seen simply confirmed what she'd known all along: one, that Beck liked Tori and two, that she and Beck were over. Nothing new there. She didn't know where all these emotions suddenly came from, but she was determined not to let them get the best of her. She had a show to perform tomorrow night, and she would be sure to give it her all. Show him that he'd made the wrong choice.
Cat came running in with Oliver, holding a ridiculously glittery turquoise skirt.
"We found it!" she squealed, before sending Jade a worried look.
"Jade, what's wrong?"
Her head snapped up; she didn't want to talk about this, especially not with Cat.
"What is wrong is that it took you forever to get that skirt!" she growled.
"Jade, I – "
"Just give it to me, I'd like to get out of here before sunrise!" She snagged the skirt out of Cat's hands and started marching towards the dressing room.
"Jadey?"
Something in Cat's tone made her stop dead in her tracks. She sounded hurt, like a wounded kitten. Jade felt bad enough as it was, she didn't need to feel guilty about being mean to Cat on top of everything else.
"What?" she asked, but her voice lacked its usual edge.
"Why are you mad at me?" Cat was practically whimpering. Jade hated to see Cat sad. Worse, she hated to be the cause of the little redhead's distress, but she really wasn't good at consoling people.
"I'm not mad, Cat, I'm just... tired."
She turned around. Cat stood in in the middle of the room, her chocolate eyes huge and bright in the cold industrial light of the backstage lounge. Oliver had an arm around her and looked at Jade accusingly. Jade sighed.
She made her way back over to Cat until she stood right in front of the shorter girl.
"I'm not mad at you Cat, really. I'm sorry." She lowered her eyes. Suddenly it was just all too much. She hated this place; she hated the clothes she would have to wear tomorrow. She hated Tori and she hated Beck and she hated that Tori was being nice to her even if she didn't deserve it and she hated Beck for hurting her like that and for not loving her anymore and for making her love him in the first place. She hated him for all the false promises he had made her as they lay shoulder to shoulder on a blanket outside is RV watching the stars. She hated that she had spent her wish upon the star which they'd both seen falling through the velvet sky on him. She hated that she had just been so mean to her best friend. She hated herself.
Her eyes started to sting just as she felt a small, warm hand on her elbow.
"It's okay."
She kept her eyes fixed on Cat's pink shoelaces. Cat kept her hand on her arm.
"Now tell me what's wrong."
She remained silent. Her eyes continued to burn.
"Oliver, could you leave us alone for a moment?"
"But I gotta –"
"It's okay. Jade won't let me come anywhere near bibble, will you Jade?"
She shook her head no, still not lifting her head. A tear slipped from her eye onto Cat's shoe, splashing into a million mini-drops that glittered in the hard light. She heard a soft, clinking noise as Oliver took Cat's handcuff off, and his heavy footsteps as he walked out of the room.
They stayed quiet for a moment. Cat knew better than to push Jade into telling her something that was so obviously bothering her.
Jade took a few deep breaths, calming herself and willing the tears to subside.
"Beck tried to kiss Tori," she whispered, her voice shuddering only slightly, but she was sure Cat had caught it.
"How do you know?"
She lifted her head and looked Cat in the eye. "I saw."
Cat's eyebrows knit together in confusion and for a moment Jade felt a flare of impatience. She closed her eyes briefly before explaining.
"Your computer – you were still on video chat. They were alone in Vega's living room. I heard them talking and I couldn't – I couldn't stop myself." Cat nodded understandingly.
"Can you believe that? After all those times he said to me that Tori meant nothing to him?"
"No, I can't." The little redhead was at a loss for words, her pretty face full of sadness and compassion. Jade hardly ever spoke so openly about her feelings, and Cat wasn't sure what she could say or do to make her friend feel better. She fought the urge to ask if Jade wanted to share some bibble with her; firstly, she wasn't allowed, and secondly, she didn't think Jade was all that into bibble anyway. Besides, maybe now wasn't really the time. She didn't want to be yelled at again. Instead, she said: "But you know you're better than that, right?"
Jade looked at her questioningly.
"If Beck wants to give up your relationship so easily, if he doesn't want to fight for you like he should, then it's his loss. It's like what Marilyn Monroe once said, right?"
Jade raised her eyebrow. She had no idea what Cat was getting at.
"If Beck can't handle your difficult moments, he doesn't deserve you at your best." Cat looked at her encouragingly, smiling up to her so genuinely that Jade couldn't help the corners of her mouth from turning upwards ever so slightly.
"Yeah, I guess."
"And he'll realize it one day, you know. And then it'll be up to you to decide if you'll take him back or not." Cat's smile had grown so wide that for a moment Jade feared her face would split in two. Actually, that would be quite a sight – but no, she pushed the thought aside.
"Thanks, Cat," she muttered. She wasn't good at thanking people either.
"You're welcome. But I do want a little something in return," Cat replied. Jade looked at her warily.
"What is it?"
"You have to give me a hug!" the red-haired girl squealed, the earnestness and seriousness of just a moment before forgotten as she threw her arms around her. Jade tensed a little at first, but soon relaxed and pulled Cat closer to her, squeezing her tight and burying her face in her friend's fire red locks. Cat giggled and danced around a little in Jade's embrace.
After a moment, the two girls let go of each other. Cat looked up at Jade, her face beaming as she brought her glittery thumb up to Jade's face, wiping at tears Jade hadn't realized had spilled. "There," she said softly, "all better, right?"
"Right."
"Robbie and Andre will be here soon, so you better stop crying now. You've got a reputation to keep up, you know."
Jade chuckled at that. "Yeah, I guess," she said, smiling warmly at her best friend before putting her tough girl face back on.
xxx
The next day was filled with more endless rehearsing. Jade dragged herself through all of it; she didn't want to be here anymore, but what were her options?
The images she'd seen on Cat's computer screen last night had shaken her more throroughly than she wanted to admit. Suddenly, she couldn't care less about the stupid Platinum Awards; she just wanted to go home, crawl into bed in her dark room and sleep forever. She wanted to forget everything, forget about Beck and Tori, forget that she and Beck were ever together, forget how much she had loved him and all the times he'd tolk her he loved her back. She just felt so tired. Tired of feeling resentful, tired of boycotting Tori, tired of always trying her hardest to prove herself only to end up second-best. She was tired of fighting, tired of hurting. She wished she could turn off her mind so it would stop spinning, swimming with emotions she didn't even know she could feel.
After school, Cat, Andre and Robbie came by to watch her rehearse again. She was in full costume now; she was sure that a heavy metal corset and pink fluffy dress were the last thing her friends had ever expected to see her in, but there she was. Also, her hair looked so convincingly like cotton candy that Cat forgot all about bibble for a moment.
She hated all of it.
It was minutes before the show would start, minutes before her big break – and Jade wanted to cry. One by one, Cat, Andre and Robbie had filed out of the dressing room to take their seats in the audience, and she had never felt so alone in her life. She looked in the mirror, utterly despising the freak show that was staring back at her.
Engrossed as she was in the monster that was herself, she didn't hear Tori come in. When she heard a small cough, she jumped and spun around, ready to yell her heart out at whoever of the crew members had disturbed her. When she saw Tori, however, she fell silent. What was she doing here?
Tori came further into the room, commenting on her outfit and makeup. She was complimenting her, and Jade hated it. It was supposed to be Tori, not her, to perform on the PMA's that night. Why didn't Tori yell at her for costing her her chance of a record deal, of instant fame? Why did she have to be so awfully nice all the time?
She was so tired of it all; she didn't want this anymore. So why keep an experience like this from a girl she was sure wanted it more than anything in the world right now?
Before that day, the worst day, Jade had done everything in her power to best Tori whenever she could. She humiliated the perky brunette whenever she got the chance. And for what? Honestly, Tori wasn't even half bad. But she did it for Beck. Because ever since that kiss, she had been afraid of losing him, and she took every opportunity to show him how great and wonderful and talented she was. She wanted to make him see that she was better than Tori, and she took great pains to show it to him over and over again.
But that was over now. She didn't need to prove herself to him anymore; she'd lost him anyway, no matter how hard she'd tried to keep him with her. Or maybe because she'd tried so hard. The war she'd been waging against Tori turned out to be all for nothing; Tori had won the fight, and as usual, she didn't even have to try.
She suddenly realized how stupid all of it had been, how stupid it still was. Why take this experience from Tori if the one thing she hoped to accomplish with it was unattainable? Beck didn't want her back. There was no use in fighting anymore. She didn't need to beat Tori anymore, because it didn't matter. The battle was over, and Jade had lost. So she made a decision.
"This isn't right," she said, looking at her ridiculous outfit.
"Yeah, it's a little tight around the – "
"No I mean this! Me!" she snapped impatiently. She was making an effort, Vega could at least stop talking for one second and let her finish. Of course, the preppy brunette didn't understand. Jade rolled her eyes as she explained herself further, explained that it was supposed to be Tori and not her performing tonight.
"I can't do that to a friend," she finished. Tori looked at her hopefully at the mention of the word 'friend'. As if her deepest desire was to be friends with Jade. She surpressed a snort. "Or even to you." Heck, she was willing to do the right thing, but she was still Jade and Vega was still Vega and she had still stolen her boyfriend. Sort of. And they weren't friends, not really.
Tori's face fell a little, but she still smiled up at Jade happily. Jade pushed past her and walked out of the room. She had one more thing to do.
As the emcee announced Tori's act, Jade fell into the seat that had been reserved for Tori. Next to Beck. As Tori sang the opening line of 'Make it in America', Beck turned and smiled at her oddly, his face a mixture of surprise and pride and something Jade couldn't quite put her finger on. She took it all in, his eyes, his smile, his hair, everything; she smiled back a little. She memorized his face like this, allowing herself to believe that the look he gave her was one of love and admiration, like the way he used to stare at her as they lay in bed in his RV, the sheets tangled and their hair tousled and their breaths heavy. His eyes would pierce into her soul and she would feel like it was only him and her in the entire world. This was how she would remember him, them; she could let him go now. She had given it all up when she'd let Tori sing the song, she'd given up fighting for Beck. She wouldn't forget the memories of their years together. She would cherish them, as she would cherish this moment and his face as he looked at her so strangely, and she would finally move on.