Since today is Father's Day I've taken the liberty to write this one-shot starring Duncan and Chris. Enjoy!
Oh Dad!
Duncan was horrified. "Mom, how could you?" he demanded. "Do you even know what Chris is like?"
"Duncan, I know you are finding it hard, but please give Chris a chance," his mother begged. "Now I'm off my hairdresser's appointment. Make sure you get on well with Chris. I'll back in two hours. See you sweetie!"
Duncan sighed as his mam left the house and closed the door. Three months ago his parents divorced because they were no longer good to each other in bed and they split custody of Duncan and his siblings. His dad recently came out as bisexual and married Chef Hatchet. This angered Duncan at first, but he eventually got used to Chef when it turned out that Chef wasn't that bad when Chris isn't around.
But now Duncan's mam is dating Chris, and they've been dating for weeks. Chris only moved in a few days ago. Duncan sighed as his mam left to attend her appointment. He decided to go into the sitting room and watch telly, but there was Chris with the remote in his hand, scrolling through the TV programmes that were recorded onto the TiVo's hard-drive.
"Wow Duncan, I didn't know you liked to watch the Teletubbies," said Chris.
"My nephew, who is three years old, likes to watch that show," growled Duncan. "Whenever I'm babysitting him I am forced to watch that pile of garbage with him!"
"Dude, you let your nephew watch that show?" exclaimed Chris. "Do you even know what drugs Tinky-Winky is hiding in his bag?"
"All I know is that the purple creep is likely to become a tranny!" snarled Duncan. "Can you please pick something good to watch?"
"Okay, fine," said Chris, selecting an old Simpsons episode. "Why don't you sit down? You could sit on my lap if you want," he added, smiling a toothy grin as he slapped his thighs.
"No, I'm going to sit on the chair furthest away from you," groaned Duncan.
"C'mon, don't you sit on your parents' and Chef's laps?" asked Chris.
"No!" snapped Duncan. "I stopped sitting on Dad when I was twelve and I stopped sitting on Mom when I was eight!"
"Why, are you embarrassed of you parents?" jeered Chris. "DJ still sits on his mom's lap. I saw him do it at the mall yesterday because he hurt his pinkie."
Duncan rolled his eyes. "No surprises there, but can we please talk about something else?" he demanded.
"Fine, let's talk about boobs then," said Chris.
"No," groaned Duncan, because he did not feel like talking about his own mother's cleavage.
"Well you're no fun," said Chris.
"At least I'm sensible!" Duncan answered.
"Says the guy who went to juvie," said Chris, rolling his eyes. "Speaking of which, have you ever experimented with boys before?"
Duncan was horrified. Admittedly, he was a bitch for the first few weeks in juvie because he was assigned the same cell as Scott. This was how Duncan became so tough and cruel at times despite the fact that he only went to prison for accidentally stealing a roll from the local supermarket. Although Duncan got over this ordeal when he single-handedly put Scott in the hospital (which also contributed to Duncan's character, as most of the other inmates subsequently became terrified of him and this enabled Duncan to bully them into not bothering him), Duncan would never in a million years admit this to Chris.
"No, juvie isn't that bad," Duncan lied.
"Then why did you become so tough and stuff?" asked Chris.
"Because all the other inmates were dorks and they pissed me off!" snarled Duncan.
"No wonder you hate Harold so much," said Chris.
Duncan nodded, even though the reason he bullied Harold was because he learned before joining Total Drama that Harold is Scott's first cousin.
A while later Duncan decided to get up and go to the toilet. When he was finished and decided to go to the kitchen to get a snack, there was Chris, scanning the cabinet which had the junk food in it.
"What are you doing?" demanded Duncan.
"Seeing what food you've got," said Chris. "Don't you have any cookies?"
"No, they're all gone because you ate them all yesterday," growled Duncan.
"A household containing six children and that's all you guys got?" shrieked Chris.
"Unfortunately!" groaned Duncan. "If you're so concerned about our eating habits then why don't you go make me something delicious and healthy?"
"You know I can't cook, Duncan," said Chris. "Even Chef is a better cook than I am, and that's when he's at his worst. Does he cook you proper meals when you're over with him and your dad?"
"As a matter of fact he does," sighed Duncan. Another reason Duncan eventually got used to Chef was because Chef turned out to be a better cook than his dad. Of course, Chef is a good cook; and the only reason he cooked disgusting food during Total Drama was because he was obliged to do so under his contract.
This angered Chris. "Well I'll prove to you I'm a better cook than Chef!" he said. "C'mon, we're having cereal for dinner! Now where does the toaster go? In the sink?"
Duncan sighed relentlessly. "Let's just wait until when Mom comes back," he moaned. "We can always get a take-away if she doesn't feel like cooking."
"Good idea," said Chris. He left the kitchen with the cabinet door still open.
Duncan sighed as he put the stuff Chris removed from the cabinet back in their places and closed the door. He decided to chat with Gwen over Facebook. Unfortunately, when Duncan went to the computer room there was Chris on the computer.
"What are you up to this time?" asked Duncan.
"Looking up DeviantArt," said Chris. "Did you know that the most popular femslash pairing is your girlfriend Gwen and your ex-girlfriend Courtney? In fact, Gwen is almost always the one on top in this pairing."
Duncan groaned. Sure, he was glad that Courtney and Gwen are becoming friends again after Courtney spent five weeks in a psychiatric hospital. However, he does not see them as a potential couple, especially when Courtney is dating Trent now.
"Did you know that you and Courtney are the most popular pairing?" asked Chris. "Some of your hardcore fans still think you should be dating Courtney and they really want Gwen to die because they think it's all her fault that you and Courtney broke up."
"Well no-one in my school believes that I should still be dating Courtney because they stop after I box them in the face!" growled Duncan. "Even Courtney finds them annoying!"
"What about the fans who keep pairing you up with the boys, such as Cody, Noah and Geoff?" jeered Chris, trying hard not to laugh.
"The same goes for them as well," hissed Duncan.
"Relax, they're just a bunch of perverted Yaoi fan girls who want to make every man gay," Chris assured him.
"It's still humiliating!" Duncan protested.
"Relax, it's not like you're paired with Harold," said Chris. "Oh wait! Sometimes you are!"
"NO!" screamed Duncan. "MY LIFE'S RUINED!"
"Does anyone at your school believe that shit?" asked Chris.
"No, but it's still bad," snapped Duncan.
"Hey, fans are pairing me up with Chef and you don't hear me complaining," said Chris, defiantly.
"You don't care that fans are doing it once it pisses Chef off," said Duncan. "I know you get a sadistic pleasure from seeing Chef miserable. By the way, I just found out that you do in fact make Chef cross-dress, you sick bastard!"
"Fine, you caught me," said Chris. "But at least he's not traumatised by it. Everyone cross-dresses from time to time, and many fans think Chef only goes in drag just to torture the contestants.
"Yeah, well the way gay people are often portrayed as girly pansies on TV doesn't help," Duncan spat, "especially since Chef is a bear."
"Well it's not my problem," shrugged Chris. "No way, some fan paired me up with you!"
Duncan immediately ran out of the room in a state of panic.
Duncan's mam eventually returned home and prepared the dinner. Duncan's two younger brothers returned home from their friends' houses by the time the dinner was on the table. The family sat down to dinner. Duncan's brothers were unaware of Chris's actions during Total Drama, or they were indifferent, so they got on well with Chris. Duncan was the only one sitting quietly at the table. Hardly anyone took notice, as he was often the quiet one. He is only talkative at the table when Gwen is over.
After dinner, Duncan and his brothers began to pack because they were going to their father's and Chef's house. Even though Duncan and his siblings switched between their parents every Sunday evening and today was a Saturday, they decided to go to their dad's house early because tomorrow was Father's Day. Duncan would never admit it, but he was actually looking forward to going to his dad's house, as he preferred Chef over Chris.
"See you boys tomorrow," said Duncan's mam as she gave each of her three youngest sons a kiss on the forehead. She and Chris were also going to the restaurant the boys were taking their dad and Chef.
"Don't forget to get me a card as well," said Chris. "If you boys want a kiss from me you can have it, but not on the lips."
Duncan's mam and brothers laughed with Chris. Duncan rolled his eyes because he did not see Chris's joke as being one bit funny. Then Duncan's dad and Chef showed up in Chef's jeep to take the boys away.
Okay, maybe this does paint a positive picture about Chris, but still, I'd prefer Chef as a dad over Chris any day. Obviously, I prefer my own dad over anybody else as a dad, because to me he's normal. Chris and Chef are far from normal.
Anyway, Happy Father's Day everyone – or Happy Grandfather's Day or Happy Uncle's Day to those who are raised by lesbian couples, singles mothers or those who have dads but don't get on well with them.