The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has closed down. This was partially inspired by the Odd Mom Out episode 'Ode To Joy' as well as real life. I just have insane ideas. And what if the Long Water insurance scam was bigger than everyone thought? I got...
Hollywood Bloodbath
"Thank you for taking me to see Sterling, Lana," Mallory sighed as Lana drove her car down the streets of Los Angeles.
"It's no problem Mallory," Lana said. "I wanted to see Archer anyway. He looks good."
"As good as one can look in a coma," Mallory sighed.
WHAM!
"HOLY…" Lana yelled as something fell out of the sky. Lana swerved and nearly missed being hit by it. "What the hell?" She stopped and looked behind her.
"Was that a…" Mallory was stunned. "A body?"
"Yeah that guy must have…" Lana gasped.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
THUD!
"Fell out of the building," Lana gasped in shock as another body fell right in front of them in the street.
SCREECH!
WHAM!
"Oh my God!" Lana gasped as another man jumped to his death from another building. But his body was run over by another car.
"I haven't seen anything like this since we invaded Germany at the end of the war," Mallory remarked. "Nazis were jumping off buildings like 1920's stockbrokers."
"Let's get out of here," Lana said.
"Agreed," Mallory groaned. "And to think visiting Sterling in his coma was the more peaceful part of my day!"
Soon they were at the Figgis Agency. "You will never guess what happened to us as we were coming back from the hospital," Lana said to the rest of the Figgis Agency who had gathered in the bullpen.
"Let me take a stab at it," Pam said. "Some guy committed suicide as you came into work?"
"Three of them actually," Lana said. "How did you know?"
"Because people have been jumping out of high rises like lemmings all morning!" Pam snapped. "Especially in the business and financial districts."
"Yeah me and Pam saw one guy jump and get run over by a garbage truck," Cheryl nodded. "My horoscope did tell me today would be an interesting day."
"Puts the horror in horoscope," Ray groaned.
"What the hell is going on?" Mallory asked.
"You remember Stratton and Whitney?" Cyril groaned. "Well on top of the Long Water insurance scam apparently those two were running a massive Ponzi scheme in order to fund it. Putting clients' money in a secret bank account only those two knew about. And since they're dead…"
"All that money is gone in a virtual black hole," Lana guessed.
"Exactly," Cyril sighed. "Apparently there were a few other lower level employees that were working on cooking the books as well. But between that and the Long Water scam…Long story short…"
"Too late," Cheryl quipped.
"A lot of people in this town lost a lot of money," Cyril groaned. "Including…"
Somewhere across town…
"Dear God! I'm ruined! Ruined!" Mr. Zissner screamed at the top of his office. "I'm going to lose my studio! My mansions! My yacht!"
"But we're okay aren't we?" His wife Barbie gasped.
"Stratton and Whitney was our brokerage firm!" Zissner snapped. "I think those assholes stole all our money."
"You mean we're poor?" Barbie gasped. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"I don't look good in poor Barbie!" Zissner snapped. "I don't look good in poor…"
"Nobody looks good in poor!" Barbie snapped back. She then noticed their hired thugs slowly walking to the door. "Where are you going?"
"The copy machine downstairs," One said. "We need to make copies of our resume."
"Yeah, I think we're gonna need 'em pretty soon," The other said.
"Copies cost money you bums!" Barbie snarled. "Why you…" She took off her heels and held one of them like a weapon.
"AAAAHHH!" The hired thugs ran for their lives.
"IF YOU THINK YOU CAN CHISEL US OUTTA MORE DOUGH YOU GOT ANOTHER THINK COMING!" Barbie screamed.
"I can't go back to the bottom!" Zissner fell to the floor and clutched his hair. "I stepped on so many people to get to the top! I can't go back to the bottom! They'll eat me alive!"
"BABY SHUT UP AND CALL YOUR GOD DAMN LAWYER!" Barbie shouted as she chased the thugs around. "AND YOU TWO STAND STILL SO I CAN BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA YOU!"
"Puppies and kittens…" Zissner whimpered as he curled up in a fetal position. "Puppies and kittens…"
Back at the Figgis Agency…
"So Zinsser's entire studio is in trouble because of Long Water?" Lana asked.
"GOOD!" Mallory nodded. "Serves them right!"
"Those Sharknoid movies were kind of losing their steam anyway," Krieger shrugged. "And getting way too predictable."
"I guess there are just so many ways you can think of a person getting killed by an out of control robot shark," Ray shrugged.
"They're not the only ones in trouble. Already Ellis Crane's studio has shut down along with the entire business of Stratton and Whitney," Cyril said. "And this is only the tip of the iceberg!"
"Just the tip!" Cheryl spoke up. "What? Like no one else was thinking about it?"
The following afternoon…
"You are not going to believe what I saw when I went to pick up AJ at County Day," Lana said as she brought AJ in. "It was a madhouse!"
"What happened?" Ray asked.
"For starters, there were FBI and IRS agents everywhere," Lana said. "Remember Ivy was on the board? Looks like he embezzled some funds of not only other people on the board but the school as well."
"Oh my God!" Mallory gasped. "He stole the money we paid for AJ?"
"No," Lana put AJ down. "He was…D-E-A-D by the time AJ got in. Remember?"
"Dead," AJ chirped.
"Well at least she's learning how to spell," Mallory groaned.
"Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead!" AJ sang happily. "Dead!"
"Hang on," Lana groaned. "I'll be right back." She picked up AJ again and took her to her office.
"Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!" AJ shouted happily.
"Yes honey," Lana sighed. "Mommy is glad you can spell. Why don't you just go play in Mommy's office for a bit okay?"
"This sounds serious," Mallory frowned as Lana left.
"That's because she doesn't really understand what the word dead means," Pam said.
"Not AJ being able to say dead you idiot!" Mallory snapped.
"It's not her saying dead that you should worry about," Pam told her. "It's how she said it!"
"Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!" Cheryl giggled.
"Like that," Pam pointed to Cheryl.
"That is disturbing," Cyril said.
"I think tuition at County Day is going to go up," Ray told her. "You know? To cover their losses?"
"Damn it!" Mallory swore.
"Yeah that's going to really hurt your wallet, isn't it?" Cheryl laughed.
"God I wish you would die already," Mallory glared at Cheryl.
"Dead, dead, dead!" Cheryl cackled. "Just like your social life!"
Mallory looked at Pam. "I see what you mean now."
"This whole thing with Long Water is more serious than I thought," Krieger frowned.
"I'm only asking because we have some time to kill," Ray sighed. "How serious did you think a multi-million-dollar insurance scheme tied into a possible Ponzi scheme would get?"
"Actually, I was thinking about the sex tape portion of the disk," Krieger said. "I would like to see that."
"Me too," Cyril admitted.
"That would be one way to make money," Pam admitted.
"As I was saying," Lana groaned as she came back. "Ivy embezzled a lot of money from not only County Day but a lot of board members at the school. And a lot of parents."
"Seriously?" Ray was stunned.
"Yeah at least five kids were pulled out of County Day because their parents can't afford it anymore," Lana said. "And that was just today! It looks like half of AJ's class is going to be gone by the end of the week."
"That is unbelievable," Ray whistled.
"I guess that waiting list got a lot shorter huh?" Pam asked.
"I saw one set of parents crying as security dragged them out," Lana sighed. "Their kid was fine. But the parents were a wreck. And another set of parents were threatening to burn the school to the ground."
"Really?" Cheryl perked up her ears. "Did you get their names? Phone numbers?"
"Just so I'm clear," Mallory blinked. "We're now richer than at least a quarter of parents at County Day?"
"Or at the very least slightly more financially stable," Lana sighed. "And that's not all. A lot of businesses had ties to Ivy. And they put their money in his firm."
"Money which is missing," Cyril put it together. "And those businesses are going to tank…"
"Which means the economy in this town just took a major hit," Lana said.
"That means fewer clients than can afford our services!" Mallory snapped.
"That's the least of our worries," Cyril said.
"It is?" Mallory snapped. "How? Enlighten me."
"If people found out about Archer and this agency's connection to what happened that night of the murder suicide…" Cyril groaned. "I would lose my PI license in a second! And if I lose my license…"
"Oh shit," Lana realized. "None of us have a PI license which means…"
"The agency would be shut down and we'd be out of jobs again!" Cyril snapped.
"Not to mention the fact that we'd all probably be arrested," Ray added. "That's also a point I think we should keep in mind."
"If we aren't murdered first," Pam snorted. "Oh shit…"
"And your tuition at County Day is going up," Cheryl added. "Just thought I'd bring it up again!"
"Hang on," Ray said. "I just had a thought."
"Hold the presses," Mallory rolled her eyes.
Ray ignored her. "Everyone knows that Veronica Deane was involved in Long Water by now. And she has no idea about our connection to Stratton and Whitney. So maybe…?"
"Maybe the public will nail her lying bony old ass?" Lana spoke up. "Actually, that's fine with me."
"It's karma pure and simple," Ray nodded.
"She's wanted for murder and attempted murder," Mallory realized. "As well as the insurance fraud. So it couldn't be that much of a leap to pin everything else on her. Just as long as the focus isn't on us."
"Plus, Ivy and that other guy are dead," Pam said. "They're not talking."
"Murder suicide can be so convenient sometimes," Mallory nodded.
"So all we have to do is keep our yaps shut," Pam said. "And yes I do realize the irony of me saying that."
"I've been reading the paper," Cyril said. "After the deaths of Stratton and Whitney their firm tried to keep it going as much as they could. But since so much money was missing and no one knew where is was they could only keep things quiet for so long. A lot of clients lost a lot of money and…"
"Hey guys!" Cheryl turned on the TV. "I think it's on the news! Looks like Stratton and Whitney is having a big sale!"
"A sale?" Lana asked. On the TV screen there was a huge crowd surrounding the building. "I don't think that's for a sale Cheryl."
"This is Darlene Love for Jaguar News," A familiar African American reporter was there. "A crowd of protestors and former clients has formed an angry mob at the Stratton and Whitney office building. Many of them are justifiably angry that this once respected and trusted firm is at the center of the Long Water Scandal. Stratton and Whitney was considered the investment firm for the wealthiest and most influential clients on the West Coast. It has now been shut down and the company is under intense investigation."
A very well dressed older man was shown. "My name is Elton Merkins! From Merkins Insurance agency!"
"Merkins?" Pam blinked. "Guys you know what that means right?"
"I should," Cheryl said. "My Great Uncle Cecil C. Tunt had a huge collection of them."
"Ewww…" Everyone winced.
"Brought it out to show the family every Easter," Cheryl went on. "Called them his March Hairs."
"EWWW!" Everyone winced.
"Because of Stratton and Whitney my agency is on the verge of bankruptcy!" Elton snapped. "Merkins has been covering people for over a hundred years!"
"Phrasing," Pam said.
"Merkins have travelled across this country," Elton went on. "Appearing all over the West Coast!"
"Phrasing," Pam said.
"Every Chamber of Commerce board has had a Merkins since LA was founded!" Elton shouted.
"Phrasing," Pam said.
"There was a time when there was a Merkins on every street corner!" Elton went on.
"Phrasing!" Pam snorted.
"What?" Darlene listened to something from her producer. "Oh. I am going to interview someone else now…"
"There are people who depend on Merkins!" Elton interrupted.
"Moving on!" Darlene shoved Elton away. "You Madam. What is your story?"
"My name is Muff," A heavyset older woman said. "Mrs. Muff."
"Someone else!" Darlene turned away.
"How dare you!" Ms. Muff snapped. "Muffs are a very important part of this community!"
"Merkins have been covering Muffs for years!" Elton shouted.
"And the Johnsons!" Another man called out. "Merkins covered Johnsons for over fifty years!"
"Is this a gag?" Darlene shouted.
"Man," Pam laughed. "Archer is going to be pissed he missed this!"
"Is there anyone with a normal name around here?" Darlene shouted.
A well-dressed man held up his hand. "My name is Thurston Thornwhipple-Symithe The Third. Friends call me Pinky."
"Okay…" Darlene sighed. "Close enough. I take it you're here because you also lost money to Stratton and Whitney?"
"I'm afraid so!" Pinky said. "Without that money, my mink farm where I raise and kill minks will go out of business!"
"And you raise these minks for fur coats for people?" Darlene sighed.
"No, for people's dogs!" Pinky said. "And with Fashion Week only a couple of days away...Not only will we not have enough money to pay the people who kill the minks and sew the little tiny coats, but our bootie line will be completely savaged!"
"And that's enough for interviews," Darlene pulled away.
"Excuse me!" A well-dressed blonde woman snapped. "But some of us have real problems! My husband invested his money that he inherited into this firm so that I could have enough money to open up my own handbag boutique! Without that money, I won't be able to open my shop! I may actually have to spend time with him and my children at home!"
"Please!" Pinky snapped. "Handbags are so last year…Pick up a magazine!"
"I can't afford one if I don't get my money!" The blonde shouted.
"You think you people have problems?" An older woman snapped. "Without that money, I won't be able to pay for my operation!"
"What kind of operation?" Darlene asked.
"If I don't get that money my crow's feet will return!" The older woman snapped.
"Take a look in the mirror, honey," Someone called out from the back. "They're ba-ack!"
"If I don't get that money I won't be able to afford to keep my three yachts!" A man shouted. "Much less get a new one!"
"Who cares about your stupid boats?" Another woman snapped. "I may have to move in with my son and his horrible shrew of a wife! And they live in Cleveland!"
The crowd gasped. "Okay you have a real problem," Pinky admitted.
"YOU THINK?" The woman snapped.
"My dog groomer won't groom my little Poofy Woofy until I pay his bills!" A woman shouted. Her tiny teacup dog barked from her purse.
"My hair salon is going out of business!" Another woman shouted.
"I won't be able to afford a new gown for the new season!" Another woman shouted.
"Did I mention I may be moving to Cleveland?" The woman screamed.
"Well…" A man said. "They have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame."
"Oh shut up!" She shouted. "I want my money!"
"We want our money! We want our money!" The people shouted and screamed.
"I'm not going to be poor!" A well-dressed woman yelled. "I want answers!"
A chorus of people shouted in agreement. "Me too!"
"Where's my money!"
"They can't do this to us!"
"I'm a Merkins damn it! I should be respected!"
"As should the Johnsons!"
"I'M NOT GOING TO CLEVELAND WITHOUT A FIGHT!"
Just then the protestors surged forward. Before anyone knew it, they formed an angry mob and started fighting with the police. "AAAH!" Darlene ducked as she dodged a bottle of champagne being thrown.
"Oh my God," Ray gasped.
"I haven't seen this many rich people riot since that caviar and champagne shortage at Trudy Beekman's New Year's Eve party," Mallory realized.
Ray gave Mallory a look. "Didn't you once club someone over the head with an empty champagne bottle to get to more champagne at that party?"
Mallory looked at him. "What's your point?"
"You know," Cyril said as he watched the carnage on TV. "I can't help but feel in some small way we might be kind of responsible for some of this."
Everyone looked at him. "I said kind of," Cyril defended. "For some of it."
"Idiot…" Mallory grumbled.
The station quickly cut to the news desk and a handsome African American anchorman. "This is Brett Broadwell back at the desk…We will return to the riot very soon. But we have other breaking news. Another riot has broken out at the Beverly Hills Spa…"
"They're cutting from one riot to go to another riot?" Lana was stunned.
"At a spa?" Ray asked. "How do you have a riot at a spa?"
The scene cut to a melee of women in towels and bathrobes fighting with spa staff. One woman was throwing some kind of bottles everywhere hitting some management staff members. Another manager was being chased by spa staff and patrons alike. A woman in a bathrobe was having a weird facial fight using a brush to fight with another woman in a bathrobe and a brush, spattering facial cream everywhere.
"Okay that's how," Ray blinked.
"The Beverly Hills Spa riot broke out when many clients discovered they no longer could pay for their treatments during their sessions," Brett's voice was heard over the chaos. "At the same time many spa staff learned that due to the lack of funds they would not be getting their pay checks."
"HELP ME!" A manager screamed when staff and clients alike stoned him with massage Reiki stones. "HELP ME! OW! THOSE ROCKS HURT!"
"Huh," Mallory blinked. "First time I've seen a stoning outside the Middle East."
"Wow," Pam blinked. "When rich people suddenly become poor they really lose their shit don't they?"
"Well duh!" Cheryl laughed as she pointed at Mallory.
"I'm not poor!" Mallory snapped.
"Well you're not exactly rich anymore, are you?" Cheryl asked.
"I'm…" Mallory paused. "Upper middle class. Temporarily!"
"Won't be temporary the way you spend money," Ray said.
"This just in," Brett reported. "One of LA's oldest detective agencies is closing due to the financial crisis. For over sixty years, Hollywood Detectives Incorporated has been one of the most respected and well known detective agency among the twenty-seven detective agencies in Los Angeles…"
"THERE ARE A TWENTY-SIX OTHER DETECTIVE AGENCIES IN LOS ANGELES?" Mallory roared. "AND I'M JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS NOW?"
"Twenty-five," Krieger pointed out. "So one less competitor."
"Starting to see why we haven't had that many clients," Cyril groaned.
"We really should have done some research before opening a detective agency in LA," Pam admitted.
"I should have done some research before hiring all of you idiots!" Mallory groaned as she grabbed a bottle from the bar and proceeded to drink it.
"Hang on," Cheryl said. "We did tell you that there were twenty-six other detective agencies in LA! Months ago!"
"I don't remember that," Mallory frowned before taking another drink from the bottle.
"Gee I wonder why?" Lana sighed.
"I wonder why I don't burn this place to the ground," Mallory growled.
"You don't remember being a country music star," Cyril gave Cheryl a look. "But you remember that snippet of conversation?"
"Honestly, I'm kind of concerned about your memory," Cheryl gave him a look. "The way you keep going on about that. Seriously, get help Cyril."
Cyril looked at the others. "It's not just me is it? It can't just be me!"
"In a perfect world it would be," Mallory sighed. "But it isn't."
"There's one thing I don't get about the whole Long Water/Deadly Velvet Mess," Ray thought aloud.
"One thing?" Pam asked as she raised an eyebrow.
"Veronica Deane, Shapiro, Crane and even Stratton and Whitney came up with the Long Water scheme to start with," Ray spoke up. "So who tricked us into stealing the disk from them in the first place?"
"And how did the bikers fit into all this?" Lana added. "Was the woman who pretended to be Veronica Deane dating one of the gang members or what?"
"Technically those are two questions," Mallory frowned as she paused in her drinking. "But they are good ones. I'm assuming Lana is right and that woman was with the bikers. They must have been behind tricking us into getting the disk."
"But why us?" Lana asked. "There are literally dozens of other private investigating firms with more publicity people knew about."
"I guess they must have deduced from Pam's flyers that we were new and desperate for a case," Cyril groaned. "Which means they're probably better at detective work than we are."
"But who would go to all that trouble to get us to steal that disk in the first place?" Ray asked.
"Someone who obviously wanted the Long Water scheme to fail," Mallory frowned. "For whatever reason."
"You think Ellis Crane was behind that?" Lana asked.
"I don't think so," Krieger spoke up. "Remember the recordings of Veronica Deane from the Archer Bot? Crane only got cold feet after the accidents started happening on set. He was perfectly fine with the scheme up until that stunt guy got paralyzed."
"And that didn't happen until long after we were hired to steal the disk in the first place," Cyril realized. "So…Somebody used us to disrupt the Long Water Scam…"
"It worked," Pam said.
"But who?" Cyril asked. "And more importantly why?"
"Uh no, the who is more important," Cheryl scoffed. "You find out who did it, the why becomes pretty obvious."
"But we don't know who had a motive to disrupt Long Water and to blackmail Veronica Deane," Ray spoke up. "Half the rich people and studios were invested in this scam in one way or another. The whole city is in a mess because of it!"
"And because of us indirectly," Cyril winced as he turned off the carnage on screen. "It doesn't make any sense. Who would do that and why?"
"Maybe they didn't know how deep Long Water went?" Lana suggested. "We didn't."
"Not exactly that difficult to comprehend," Mallory groaned. "But Cyril does have a point. Someone wanted that disk. And for some reason they wanted us involved. But who? And why?"
"Well whoever did it," Lana sighed. "Obviously wanted to cause a lot of trouble for Deane."
"Mission accomplished," Pam groaned.
"Call it Spymaster's Intuition," Mallory poured herself a drink in a glass. "But I have a feeling there's another player in this whole sordid tale we don't know about. Someone else behind the scenes who is probably tickled to death at the chaos that's going on."
"That can't really happen, right?" Cheryl asked. "Tickling people to death. I've heard of poking people to death…Usually with sharp pointy things…"
"No but it is a form of torture," Krieger said. "Started with the Chinese and Romans right up to the Nazis."
"You would know," Mallory rolled her eyes. "But let's get back on track. I don't like being used so we'd better keep our eyes open. As much as I'd love to bring this whole sordid thing to an end we need to find out more answers. Sterling nearly died because of this mess. That alone puts whoever is behind this scheme on my hit list."
"I thought he almost died because he was too stupid to let the robot get shot first?" Cheryl asked. "Or just fake his shooting with blood packs."
"Speaking of someone stupid getting shot…" Mallory growled at Cheryl.
"As tempting as it is for you to inflict pain on our only paying client," Cyril sighed. "I don't think that would be productive."
"Damn it," Mallory grumbled.
"Awww! Lame!" Cheryl pouted.
"Plus she actually likes pain so…" Pam pointed out.
"I get it!" Mallory snapped. "But one day Carol you will push me too far and you will get it!"
"TEASE!" Cheryl snapped.
"I have another question," Ray rolled his eyes. "How are we going to find this individual or individuals? Where are we supposed to look?"
"Well…" Cyril thought. "Maybe the Long Water disk itself has a clue in it? We could take a look at that."
"Something tells me the police aren't just going to hand over a major clue to us for no reason at all," Lana rolled her eyes. "And I'm not going to break into a police station just to steal that disk back."
"Well…" Cyril frowned. "I did walk the police through all those other files back I found back at the studio. And I remember some of them. I might be able to look up some stuff and cross reference some files at the library…"
"Or I could just check out what's online?" Krieger was at a computer.
"Krieger," Cyril snapped. "The police are not going to put up evidence of a major insurance fraud scheme online!"
"No," Krieger pointed. "But someone else who had a copy of Long Water did. Whoo! That's one spicy sex tape!"
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.
"You have got to be kidding me?" Ray gasped. They all went to look at the computer.
"How did that get online?" Lana asked.
"Some woman named Ann posted it," Krieger said.
"Ann?" Cyril asked.
"Ann Nonymous," Krieger told him.
"Ann…" Lana sighed. "Nonymous. Ann. Nonymous."
"Yeah her," Krieger nodded. "Ohhh…."
"This is going to take a while, isn't it?" Mallory sighed. "Before we actually find any clues?"
"Oh yeah," Lana groaned.
"Thought so," Mallory groaned as she took another drink.