Author's note: Guess what's back? Go on, guess. Sorry this took so long, last month was really hectic at work, so starting a new project, especially one that I want to come out really good, didn't seem like a good idea. But, things seem to be settling down now, so it's time to enjoy the thing you guys keep wanting me to write. And the best part? This has thirty seven chapters, so it'll be a while before you're without it again, so let's get to it, shall we?
Radio reporter: Hello, and welcome to tonight's Expositional News. I'm your host, Kenny Explainitall. Tonight we're commemorating the fiftieth anniversary of the mysterious deaths at the Riddle House in Little Hangleton, which is what my wife keeps calling my dick. As you know, our story begins when the maid of the house found the occupants dead in the sitting room. The victims were found with terrified looks on their face, so it was assumed they took shrooms and watched the Pink Elephants bit from Dumbo. Then they remembered that no-one owns a television yet, since it's 1944. Anyway, the next most obvious move was to arrest the Riddle's gardener Frank Bryce, since he was a cranky enough asshole with PTSD that maybe he did it. However, when it was found that there was no sign of any kind of foul play, the police were forced to release a suspected lunatic back into society. I know it's not my place to judge people, but it seems clear to me that the man's a complete psychopa… *click*
Frank: Fuck that show. It's always explaining shit rather than… *looks out the window of his cottage at the Riddle House, and sees a glowing red light inside it* Oh, those fucking teenagers. They've lit the place on fire. Guess I can justify old Betsy this time *grabs a nearby shotgun and heads into the house*
*outside the drawing room*
Frank: What the hell? They've lit it in the grate. But why would they… *Frank shuts up as he hears voices in the room*
?: Would you like some more milk, master?
?: For God's sake Wormtail, stop treating me like a baby. I am the most powerful wizard of all time, The Dark Lord Volde… *coughing fit*
Wormtail: Here you go master.
?: Get that shit away from me. And where is Nagini?
Wormtail: Probably enjoying her freedom. You know she was captive of that disgusting muggle zoo for quite a long time before you came back.
?: I wish you wouldn't let my horcrux out of your sight.
Wormtail: What a weird word for pet.
?: How did she get out of the zoo, by the way?
Wormtail: The boy, Harry Potter, accidentally removed the glass.
?: Ah, yes, Harry Potter. The boy who left me looking like this. It will be a shame to have to murder him.
Wormtail: My Lord, maybe we shouldn't be talking about murder so openly.
?: Wormtail, we are in a rundown house in the middle of Buttfuck, Nowhere. Where the hell can we talk openly about murder if not here? Like when I murdered my prick of a muggle father and his parents in the very room fifty years ago.
Frank: What the…? HE did it? I've been thought of as a murderer for fifty years for this psychopath's sake?
?: But for now, we need to prepare to Munich up the Quidditch World Cup.
Wormtail: But do we really need to kidnap the boy for your plan? We could use literally anyone for…
?: Like who? That Bertha Jonkins I murdered? Please Wormtail, she was so broken after I was done with her that she would have been useless. Plus, she was so forgetful, she couldn't remember that she had fingernails. Though she did help us find…him, so that was good.
Wormtail: Still, My Lord, don't you think…
?: Hush Wormtail, I think I can hear Nagini coming.
Frank: What is he talking about? There's no-one else here except that big-ass snaHOLY SHIT!
?: Wormtail? What was that?
Wormtail: I told you talking about murder was a bad idea. Someone's overheard us.
?: Well, Wormtail? Invite our guest in.
*Wormtail opens the door*
Frank: No, sir. I must be going…
Wormtail: *dragging Frank into the room* No, please. Be our guest, be our guest, put our service to the test…
?: Wormtail, I swear to God, if you tie a napkin around his neck, I'll do to you what I'm about to do to him.
Wormtail: *carefully unties a napkin from Frank's neck* And what's that exactly?
Voldemort: *turns his chair around to face the two of them* AVADA KEDAVRA! *Frank falls over dead*
*Meanwhile, 200 miles away*
Harry: *bolts upright, wide awake* What the fuck? He wasn't even sitting in a swivel chair.