HOLA! Or, I should say, BONJOUR! Eh. It does not work as well in french… saddness oh well.

So anyWHO, I need to introduce myself. I is being that which is known as the OHMNICENT NARATOR. Yes, I know that both words are spelled wrong. That is because of personal crazy-randomness, as well as for wrathful and legal purposes set on me by the ACTUAL Omniscient Narrator. Yes, there is a real one. He is fantastical, but he is not so much doing the writing fanfiction. He just is wise and stuff and helps with various stalkers that are sometimes problemic with fantastical peoples such as myself and PolkaDotFeathers. Yup, we have stalkers, you betcha! You know you is jealous….

So, anyWHERE, we be needing to get on with the story. So I shalt start it. Right now. As in, NOW. See? I is starting… \/ down there. Look. There is the story. I know, superfantasmagorical. And now is the part where you read. you be reading…

[insert starting of story

Tales of/by an Ohmnicent Narator

By the Ohmnicent Narator

This story is about a Gryffindor. Actually, it is about one specific Gryffindor. But I will narrow it out as we go along. So right now I am talking about the Gryffindors in general.

Alright, the first thing that you need to know about the Gryffindors is that they like to PARTY. They drink, snog, and belt out various incomprehensible muggle songs. So, once the 3rd-and-below years go upstairs at ten, they are "all for one and one for all". And there are two people—who just happen to be in this prestigious house—who can party like none have partied before. These two are so good that they even loosened up PROFFESOR MCGONNAGAL a few times! As in, not accidentally.

These two skilled fellows are James Potter and Sirius Black. They are flirting gods sent down from heaven, they are sex fiends sent up from hell. They are the Universe's way of saying "Hey there, guess what? You will NEVER beat that!" As one rather exuberant fan girl put it, "they are the CHEESE, man! Colby Jack, Sharp Cheddar, Cottage, Blue—you name it, they OWN it!"

People even define themselves by these two. "Oh, she's a potter" they will say about a shy girl. "A Black for sure" about that kinky girl who just came out of someone else's dorm. And the FAN CLUBS…they go on and ON….

That was how things USED to be, anyway. Now they are different (obviously). It is just the Sirius Black Show now. James Potter, the flirtatious, charming, arrogant, smexy, delicious, all-that-is-goo-and-right-with-the-world GOD that we know and love, has been snagged. And let me tell you, the Fan Girls are not happy about this. Let's just say that the inescapable wrath of obsessors-gone-wrong should strike fear into one red-headed, fiery, temperamental bundle of joy commonly known as Lily Evans.

How did this happen, you ask? I know not. Maybe she charmed him. Maybe she drugged him. Maybe he was intoxicated by the fact that Lily Evans is practically the only girl James had ever met that didn't like him. In fact, she absolutely abhorred anything that had even the slightest thing to do with Potter in any way, shape, or form. But either way, Potter is struck, and Sirius is now expected to hold his own.

Now, let me tell you a bit about Sirius Black. (See this? This is me narrowing the subject, like I said I would. I be true to my word.) Sirius Black is a smart boy. That can't be denied; he really is. He aces all his classes and can prank you into next week. But for all his sneaking and tricks, Sirius Black does not understand subtlety. In this form, he is a complete and utter MORON.

He does not understand sarcasm, subtlety, or hints of any kind. He finds no hidden meanings in anything (except maybe sexual innuendoes), and if you try to give him body signals he will misinterpret your twitching and be on you like a llama in heat.

But for all his total obliviousness, he knows one thing better than anyone you, he, or I have ever met. It is what makes Sirius Black who he is. He does it better than, well, he does it better than even his best friend. Sure, James keeps girls longer. But Sirius goes thorough girls like toilet paper—no matter how much crap they have to catch from dealing with this ass-wipe, they keep rolling up in a queue to be next in his pants.

And what was this maaaaaaaaaaaagical ability that gained the respect (and jealousy) of every boy and destroyed the dignity of many a girl? Why, it was sex of course! No matter what happens, Sirius always has sex, and people to do it with.

So WHY, you ask, does all of this pertain to each other? Because, my duckies, my dear readers, it is the start of a story. Sirius Black's story, in fact. It is the story of how, to whatever extent the boy is capable of, Sirius Black, erm, fell in love.

That "erm," by the way, was in no way cause of a spur-of-the-moment idea (it was). It was because I could not decide on my choice of wording (it wasn't). I know exactly what is going to happen to the characters of this story (I don't). I don't just randomly write down stories and expect you to believe them (I do).

I am not JK Rowling (duh), but I am a figure of even greater importance (maybe in a world made for cheese…). I am the all-powerful OHMNICENT NARATOR (haha, thwarted again, Niobe's dad!)[insert evil cackle, lightning, thunder, theme music, and random streakers to scare away poseurs