Hagrid, You Idiot!
A/N: This is just a silly little one-shot for my amazing friend musicwolf7!
The year was finally over. The students had departed on the Hogwarts Express the previous day and most of the staff had returned home for the summer, leaving the grand castle mostly unoccupied. The only staff residing at Hogwarts over the summer were Headmaster Dumbledore, Hagrid, Filch, Madam Pomfrey and Professors McGonagall, Snape and Flitwick. The rest had fled earlier that evening to avoid Professor Dumbledore's tedious end of year meeting.
With the summer starting all the teachers had already started to wind down and relax, knowing there would be no students to deal with and no essays to mark. They were all enjoying themselves in the great hall. Even Snape, who's spying career had thankfully ended, had made an appearance and was nursing a half-empty glass of firewhiskey, chatting enthusiastically with the Headmaster! None of them had a single worry in their minds. Well, except for poor Hagrid…
The friendly half-giant was pacing worriedly around in his small, cosy hut out on the Hogwarts grounds. He knew there was a staff party underway in the great hall and that he was supposed to be there, but he was too nervous to even think about attending. After all, it was probably going to be one of the most important nights of his life! Yes, it was important…because today he had asked his long-time love interest to join him for dinner, and, surprisingly, he had said yes!
With only a few hours to go before Filius' arrival, Hagrid was in a state of pure panic! His over-sized head was racing with a million questions; What am I supposed te cook 'im? What if he doesn't like me? What if he doesn't show up? Does it smell funny in here? Is this a bad idea? Calm down ye great oaf! Lamb, I'll cook 'im lamb, everybody likes lamb. Shut up and stop saying 'lamb' ye great sod! With that Hagrid stomped into his kitchen to start on dinner.
Up in the great hall the staff were thoroughly enjoying themselves! The house elves had provided them with a large variety of alcohol and nibblies, and Dumbledore had set off a mini fireworks display, completely illuminating the large room. They all sat at a long, brightly decorated table in the middle of the hall, discussing the highlights of their year and telling each other jokes. Just when they thought their night couldn't get any better, all eyes were drawn to a very intoxicated, swaying Severus Snape.
At hearing a joke made at his expense, the peeved-off professor had abruptly risen from his chair, sending it crashing to the floor with an echoing bang! He was muttering something about being underappreciated and misunderstood, and attempted to stalk away menacingly, only to sway and collide with an unoccupied chair, falling face first into it. All the staff had burst into laughter at the sight, earing themselves what they thought was 'the glare'. It wasn't though.
Severus stood once again and faced his co-workers, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Yes, you all think that me tripping is hilarious. And you're all right it was quite funny, I must admit…" The shocked gasps filling the room cut him off, since when did Snape have a sense of humour? "Oh don't act so surprised, I like to have a bit of fun every now and again." He summoned an old gramophone, which began playing 'The Highwayman'. The staff were once again in fits of laughter as Severus began to sing along, trying to sound like Willie Nelson, and failing miserably. A loud applause erupted from the audience as his performance ended, and McGonagall took over with 'Holding out for a Hero'.
Although he was having a brilliant time, Filius left, worried about his missing 'friend'. He had managed to sneak out completely unnoticed, for which he was very grateful. The last thing he needed was for everyone to find out about his date, which was in an hour's time. How Hagrid knew he was attracted to males he didn't know, and he didn't really care either. He was looking forward to having dinner with the handsome half-giant. He raced up to his quarters on the second floor to change into his new robes.
After sliding the trays of meat and vegetables in the oven to cook, Hagrid retreated into his bedroom to do a little bit of 'manscaping'. He scrubbed dirt marks of his bushy face and combed his wild hair back, trying to appear a little more respectable. Not satisfied with the outcome, he tugged at his beard, managing to plait it, although it wasn't quite what he had hoped to achieve. Never mind, tha' should do it.
Hagrid spent the following hour running round the house like maniac, frantically attempting to clean the place; an impossible task. By the time he had swept, booted Fang out the back door and tidied the lounge and dining rooms, a knock at the door caught his attention. He nervously shuffled over, opening the large door to reveal a stunningly dressed Filius. "Hello Hagrid," he greeted cheerfully.
"'Allo Filius, come on in."
Stepping inside the small hut, a pleasant aroma of lamb and rosemary assaulted Filius' senses. He smiled to himself after taking Hagrid's appearance. The younger man had quite obviously gone to a lot of trouble for this date, dressing up and doing his hair, not quite nicely, but nicer than usual. He followed Hagrid in and took the offered seat at the dining table gratefully. He could tell that his date was nervous…he was too.
"You make yerself comfortable and I'll go get the dinner."
Hagrid took a minute to calm himself before serving the dinner. Oh what 'ave I done, this is not a good idea. I'm not even sure I really do like 'im. Hopefully this date will end quickly… He placed the plates on the table before retrieving a bottle of wine. Unfortunately, being the clumsy fool that he was, Hagrid stumbled, sending the newly opened bottle flying dangerously through the air. It hurtled towards Filius' head, missing it by millimetres. "Aarghh Voldemort's nipples," he squealed as he was showered with shards of glass and alcohol.
"Ooops, sorry 'bout tha' Filius!"
The tiny man quickly recovered, pulling his wand out to clear the mess. "Uh, it doesn't matter Hagrid, it's quite alright. Let's just enjoy our meal."
Although he wasn't going to say it out loud, Filius wanted to leave. He wanted nothing more right now than to walk out and not step foot into this cluttered little hut ever again. A wine bottle half his size flying at his head had terrified him! Stop it Filius, Hagrid is a close friend! Walking out would end our friendship, not to mention that it would make our jobs awkward and difficult. I'll have dinner then leave. He smiled kindly at Hagrid as he went to retrieve another bottle of wine.
Once he was out of eye and earshot, Hagrid began banging his head lightly on the stone wall. "You bloomin' idiot," he whispered harshly. "He's only a tiny li'le thing…you scared the crap ou' of 'im, ye did!"
Both Hagrid and Filius were so lost in their thoughts that they were completely oblivious to the fact that a still very drunk Severus was giggling uncontrollably just outside the window! The sneaky Professor had noticed his co-worker leaving and decided to follow him. "Severus Snape what in Merlin's name do you think you're doing?! Spying on Hagrid…"
Severus jumped, unaware that Minerva had tailed him out of the castle and down to the lonely hut. "I was just look-"
"No! Go, leave the poor man alone!"
"But Minnie, the shortass and the dim-witted giant are on a DATE!"
"That's no reason to- Wait, what did you just say?"
"See for yourself… They were going to have a nice dinner when-" Severus burst out laughing this time.
"Severus, what is so funny?"
Between laughing and gasping for breath, Severus managed to get out "Hagrid stumbled and the wine flew at Filius' head! …Filius screamed 'Voldemort's nipples!"
The spying Professor's, unable to stop themselves, dropped to the ground in fits of laughter! After recovering they resumed their position at the window, the tops of their heads and hands visible, yet strangely unnoticed.
Finally sitting at the table, Hagrid managed to pour two glasses of wine. He prayed that the remainder of the dinner would remain quiet and peacefully uneventful. Pulling out his pretty pink umbrella, Hagrid dimmed the lights and lit the small, vanilla scented candle strategically placed in the centre of the table. The dinner was going quite well until Fang's "intruder alert" bark echoed through the chilly night sky. "Who's there?" he called. He was going to ignore the oversized dog until he heard the bang at his window.
Hagrid abruptly stood, shaking the plates and slamming his fork down into the wooden table, or he thought it was, anyway…. "Ah aaaaahhhhhhhh! Hagrid.. You idiot! My poor hand!"
Distracted from his distraction, Hagrid realised what he had done…
"Oh dear… Merlin, I'm sorry Filius. It was an a'ccident, I never meant te hurt ye!" The second round of apologies was brought to a halt as the unmistakable sound of laughter coming from outside caught their attention. "Ye've had yer fun now show yerselves!" Neither wizard had expected the two strictest Hogwarts professors to come tumbling through the door, laughing so hard that they fell to their knees!
"Well… Tha' was unexpected…"
"I'm sorry my dear friend, I had no intention of spying on your…date." Minerva was still giggling, and paused awkwardly before saying 'date'.
"I' was more of a disaster than a date. I messed it up big-time!"
Severus snorted, amused. "You can say that again! You're awfully quiet Filius, what do you have to say about you're 'romantic date'?"
"I, well… Um, I. Mmm… Hagrid, I think it would be best if we keep our friendship how it is. I don't want things to be…awkward. Especially when the students are back. I'm sorry."
"Actually I'm glad you said tha'. I've had enough awkward in the last hour to last me a lifetime. And these two aren't helping." Turning to Severus and Minerva, Hagrid warned "You pair better keep this to yerselves."
"We will this time," Severus replied. "Just promise me you won't go on another date, its creepy… Unnatural." He shivered.
"We won't," Hagrid and Filius replied, relaxing and laughing for the first time that evening.
A/N: Sorry the ending was so bad; I wasn't really sure how to finish it and I'm really tired. I didn't plan on having Severus and Minerva spying, I just kind of added it in as I was going. And, if you were wondering, no I don't like the pairing… I wrote it after a discussion on how creepy they were ;) AsSafeAsSnape