Set after chapter 105. I am coping.
"What the hell is she thinking?" Eren scowled. He had attempted to storm off, the image of determination in Mikasa's face still burning fresh in his mind, after they had argued over a mission to return to Marley. Eren didn't want to go, of course he didn't, but he'll be damned if his friends died in vain, for them to scratch the surface of the endless secrets regarding the titans.
Before he could get very far, he felt his arm being yanked back by a strength that could only belong to one person. He huffed and turned around.
"Eren," she tried again, "we can't go back, you know we can't go back. Not after all the lives that were lost." she kept her grip on him firm.
"Mika," Eren breathed, exasperated, "I need to speak with Zeke. He knows something- something that could help us trace back to the truth of the Titans. I need to do this. This is our chance to take back the world, to rid it of the pure Titans, and make everything okay again!"
"No, this is your chance to get yourself killed." She corrected him, "They want you dead, Eren, and they know what you look like now. If you step foot onto that island, then you're not only risking your own life, but you're risking the entire damn survey corps as well."
"Then how else am I gonna come in contact with Zeke?" He looked at her incredulously, "You think he's gonna come riding over here to schedule an appointment with me?" he scoffed, yanking back his arm to face her fully.
"I have to make sacrifices, Mikasa, you know this. I didn't enjoy killing all those people, and I sure as hell don't like the idea of Armin wiping out thirty thousand men to make sure I don't die. But these are the sacrifices a soldier has to make. Armin will be with me and so will Levi. Don't you trust them?"
Mikasa reeled back at the ridiculousness of the question, "I trust Armin with my life, and Levi is my family. I know he's capable of more than we can even comprehend. It's more than that. Your relationship with Armin is already on the rocks. It's dangerous, Eren, and I won't be there to watch out for you. I need you to live a long life."
Eren sighed, but this time it missed the usual anger behind it. "This again? Stop being so selfish, Mikasa. If it was my life or the entire population of Paradis, then you need to choose the latter. I thought this is what we wanted! You, me, Armin, we wanted to be free, right? This is how we can get that!
"Eren-"
"And I don't know what it is about you that always likes being tied down so much by other people, but I want to go. For the rest of my eight years I want them to be spent outside of walls and without fear."
"That's right," Mikasa remembered as her stomach took a dive in the deep end, "there's only eight more years…" Her eyes narrowed.
"You wanna ease up a bit? I know you wanna go, I do, too! I just don't understand why you always feel like everything is such an obligation! We can't let you die, your life is too valuable to the corps. It's not just about me. We already lost Sasha. We can't lose you, too. You always have a choice-"
"I'm not- I'm not explaining this to you again, I'm not explaining it. I can't." Eren cut her off, throwing his arms up in frustration, "I'm doing everything I can here to gain freedom for humanity; these are my days in the Survey Corps that you have agreed to and honestly, Mikasa, the way you're acting is so unfair."
"Eren," she warned, "I don't think you wanna start a conversation with me about what's fair." Mikasa's shift in tone made his gaze harden, "This is way more intense than it should have been. I joined the Survey Corps because of you, Eren, I didn't even think about enlisting here in the first place! Everything you do seems to only be for you and you don't even consider how Armin and I feel!"
"You think I'm doing this for myself? You really think I'm only doing this for myself? Mikasa, if you think I'm doing this for myself then this is a very sad conversation." He bit out and took a step closer, watching as Mikasa didn't so much as flinch.
"Eren. We need you to discuss plans." Levi's cold voice cut their argument short. Both of their heads snapped towards their captain; Mikasa grit her teeth in silence. "Now, Jaeger."
Eren took a deep breath and willed himself to look away from the fire in Mikasa's eyes and ignore the way her voice wavered to hold back her tears.
"We'll talk about this tomorrow," he tried to say gently. "Okay?"
"Yeah." She bit out, her voice wavered despite it being one syllable. "We'll talk about it tomorrow."
She sat on her bed, her knees pulled up to her chest with her chin resting on her arms. Mikasa felt so… lonely. So abandoned. She buried her nose into her scarf, only getting a fraction of the comfort the red material used to bring. Looking around the empty room, she felt a pang in her chest.
Sasha's bed was unoccupied, yet the familiar soft snores that left the brunette's mouth every night filled Mikasa's ears. Never again would she hear her wake up early, complaining how empty her stomach was or how she was on extra cleaning duty from stealing meat from storage.
Historia's bed sat untouched, unworthy of royal blood to be laying on such a ratty mattress, yet she could still hear the hushed giggles late at night being shared with a tall freckled girl that came to visit her bed when they couldn't sleep. Mikasa could always travel to visit the blonde, but her priorities no longer lay with her, but to the entire population of Paradis.
Annie's bed was empty, seemingly unreachable, yet Mikasa could still see her short figure sneaking back into their room with an extra blanket she had stolen from someone else to protect her frame from the harsh winter. Mikasa would watch her with sleep laden eyes, blinking, and making a mental note to do that next time it got too cold.
Mikasa uncharacteristically felt tears burn the corner of her eyes. Everybody she knew was walking out of her life in a single file line. Sasha, Historia, Ymir, Annie- and now Eren and Armin.
For once, she let the tears spill, leaving a trail of salt down her pale cheeks and past the scar Eren had given her a few years back. Oh, she would give anything to go back to those days. When Trost was the biggest problem they had, when the Survey Corps thought Titans were the true enemy, when the Female Titan posed a bigger threat than anything they'd ever seen.
Now she sat, in an empty room, counting the days she had left with her boys.
Mikasa curled into herself as she placed her palms over her eyes, letting herself cry. Sobs wracked her muscular frame, loud enough to where she didn't notice the door creaking open. When a hand was placed on her shoulder, she didn't need to know who it was before she spoke.
"What am I doing wrong, Armin?" She spoke through her tears.
"Nothing," he tried, his voice deep and hoarse after years of stress, "you didn't do anything wrong. It's just a rough patch."
Mikasa shook her head fiercely and swiped at her tears, looking at him sadly. His cerulean eyes pierced hers, filled with concern and warmth. God, she would miss seeing those eyes. She shrugged her shoulders when a feeling of helplessness washed over her.
"No matter - no matter how strong I get I s-still can't protect you and Eren. No matter how fast I climb the ranks I still can't stand by your sides." She inhaled sharply, the tears making it harder to breathe by the second. She felt her lungs collapsing on her. Mikasa looked away, embarrassed at how foolish she seemed.
"Mikasa," the blonde started, gathering the crying girl in his arms, "this isn't something you can control. Right now, Eren needs to do his duty as a soldier, and as his duty as one of the Nine Titans. He needs you- he needs both of us- to be there for him."
"I want to be there for him, you know that, but it's getting tougher. I didn't know it would be this h-hard," she gasped, "I didn't want this."
Mikasa tucked her head under his chin, his newfound height making it easier for her to feel at ease. A comfortable silence took over them as he rubbed her back and squeezed her shoulders, placing a comforting kiss at the crown of her head.
"I love him." she cried into his neck.
"I know," Armin rubbed a soothing palm along her back, "I know."