Notes: I was doing technical Naruto!verse fighting research for another story. Then this drabble fried my brain. It has no rhyme or reason, just various iterations of others reacting to OP!Naruto.
So beware fourth walls, personality disorders, and the general horror that is fanfiction. Like mine.
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Naruto, v. 01
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In which teachers are only relevant
for assessing students' potentials
and other prophetic stuff
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The sun is bright, the clouds are creamy tufts sailing across an azure sea—
—and Hatake Kakashi shudders.
He shudders at the scene in front of him:
Three kids.
Fairly docile.
On the cusp of puberty.
It's not so much the angst-ridden, fang-less vampire on the right, nor the mini-skirted, cotton-candy jailbait on the left. Yes, though Kakashi has a fair bit of trepidation about those two growing up and kicking him in the ass, the main concern is the kid in the middle.
He sees radiant blue eyes.
He sees blond cornsilk hair.
He sees uniform white teeth.
He sees... he should have seen it coming.
... Should have sensed a rift in the universe when he opened his apartment door that morning, to a small line down the hall. The line full of shuffling messengers with grave, grim faces. If Kakashi had been a nicer human, he'd have offered stools or laid out newspaper for the visitors toeing his moldy apartment hallway. But as he had no such luxuries (and had a misanthropic reputation to uphold), he'd sat on his stool and heard each tale like a harangued monarch with a porn book in his hand.
The first visitor had been an ANBU, who confided that one of Kakashi's-soon-to-be-students (no name could be mentioned, of course) had been approached to join ANBU thrice, and turned down the offer based on the health properties of food they serve in the facility. Pizza onigiri's nutritional content be damned, this nit-pick (from a child) signals psychosis in the making. Still, an oddity or two can be overlooked.
The seventh in line was the Sandaime (Kakashi hid his porn, in case Sarutobi spoiled the ending). Conveniently, the Hokage had his ANBU guard with him in visitors one through six. The Sandaime didn't say much, just hunched to the floor and apologized to all the ancestors about the "lack of care" he'd shown "the boy", took out his crystal ball and mumbled "prophecy" on repeat, then deposited five thousand ryo at Kakashi's feet in a shiny black briefcase. Unfortunately, due to inflation, five thousand ryo buys two sandwiches. One and a half, if you wanted meat (redundant, since what is a sandwich without?). So perhaps Kakashi's new student would accept meatless sandwiches as recompense for years of neglect?
The eighth, to Kakashi's surprise, was Danzou. The old man oh-so-casually slipped a small white card into Kakashi's stiff handshake, and left. When Kakashi inspected it, the card read: "Shimura Danzou - Konoha CEO - ROOT Division Producer & Manager – X-XXX-XXX-XXXX". The real surprise was the scrawling cursive handwriting, which read:
"Have the blond brat call me. I'll make sure he becomes something big."
The ninth was a local ramen shopkeeper. The man called Teuchi said some equally incomprehensible things, then brought out a ramen ladle and threatened to poison Kakashi's food if he didn't treat "naruto" with proper respect. As Kakashi does not know how to deify a ramen topping, he let the threat go with a 'note to self' to never visit Ichiraku again.
And now, in the present, Kakashi wonders if he shouldn't have just retreated to his bed and pulled the covers over his mask over his face.
He mildly dislikes children.
And he definitely dislikes precocious prodigy children.
But no, Kakashi was once one himself—and now, he is a grown jounin. A jounin whose pay would be docked if he didn't follow through with his employment contract. Put another way: It's inevitable really. If the kid really is all he's rumored to be, then Kakashi will soon be under his employ. Best chum up to his future boss early.
"And you're Naruto, right?" Kakashi demurs. "I've heard a bit about you."
Naruto shoots a well-mannered, twinkly smile.
"Why'd you sign up to be a ninja? Got any goals?" Kakashi continues, because he'd asked the other two kids and also, he is an idiot. Asking a prophetic child like this his goals is like asking a bird why it flies. So inestimably wrong he will forever be branded as a callous, blind, un-nurturing teacher, spawning years of online characterization wars.
Naruto scratches his head with dignity.
"I normally wouldn't tell you this, Sensei. But for purposes of foreshadowing the plot, I'll share."
"You don't have to," interjects Kakashi.
"I wanna be Hokage. But sometimes, I just get this urge to go rogue, get the Rinnegan, then become a god. I'd be cool with another eye jutsu too, or even some bloodline limit that's not ocular. It just has to be good enough so I can rebuild my long lost clan and have redheaded children. It's my destiny..."
Let's move on. Kakashi fists the two bells in his pocket. Let's move right fuckin' on.
"... But then I remember that Konoha will miss the post-pubescent me. That would be tragic, because I'll grow as tall and as handsome as my ol' man. Not that I know who that is yet." Naruto's face grows somber. "Plus, I'm not all that interested in dating. Maybe just a harem."
"I see," Kakashi mutters weakly.
"In short, I live for justice," insists Naruto. "My brand of justice."
Sasuke snorts, and mutters: "Plagiarism".
Kakashi can only hope the Uchiha boy's sanity doesn't crack at the noble, compassionate stares from Naruto. The twinkly smile's back, almost manic. If Sasuke is the one who must eventually go rogue, Kakashi won't blame him.
"Naruto-kun, I-I'm a part of this village," Sakura pipes in, shooting amorous looks while Kakashi tries and fails to locate a personality somewhere inside that pink head. Naruto, meanwhile, contemplates this offer with a risk-cost-benefit Pareto efficient calculus. They actually inch closer to each other. Kakashi watches this with horror in slow-motion cinemascope.
Therefore, Kakashi finally gets the balls—bells to proffer in front of the children like the loud, shiny things they are.
"Bell test. Two o'clock. Come hungry."
Only Sakura oohs and aahs with age-appropriate fervor. "There's only two bells."
Naruto shoots another twinkly grin. Not at Sakura. But at the world. "Don't worry," the blond says mysteriously. "I'll make sure we all pass."
"Can we leave now?" grunts Sasuke, and Kakashi is so grateful that he will forever favor the boy over the walking underdog prophecy child.
"Show a bit of enthusiasm," he smiles, lowering his guard.
"We'll prove ourselves to you, Sensei!" The Will of Fire, or maybe the forewarned eye jutsu, ignites blue eyes. "We will survive and revolutionize this ninja world," cries Naruto, with just the right amount of determination, wit, and angst.
Buzzwords or not, Naruto's phrasing still feels a bit off. Kakashi inquires.
"And?"
"And what?"
"Aren't you going to say 'Believe—" Kakashi starts.
"Sensei," Naruto stares back gravely. "I don't say that in this story."
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tbc
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Your best OP!Naruto fic recs, please, or I'll continue to write boring fight scenes.