Note: HA! My first Harry Potter FanFic/One-Shot!! Yay!! Weird, considering that I discovered it at age six and it's my sixth FanFic/One-Shot! How awesome is that?? I might not be able to update so much because there's a short story contest coming up at my school, and I want to enter. PLEASE ENTER MY ONE-SHOT CONTEST!! IF ANY OF YOU GUYS ARE TWILIGHT FANS, I HAVE A GREAT CONTEST! This FanFic would be possible if wizard duels weren't meant to kill or injure. No, the object of this duel is to embarrass your partner so badly that they won't show their face in Hogwarts ever again! I am NOT making fun of the books - I love them!

Malfoy and his thug-like cronies, Crabbe and Goyle, laughed manically as he made a large hairy spider dance…right above Ron's head. Poor Ron was completely oblivious until he looked up.

"Ow!" he exclaimed. He'd jumped out of his seat so fast that he fell on the floor. That just made evil Malfoy laugh even harder. Unfortunately for them, Harry had been sitting right next to Ron and had seen their 'practical joke'.

"That's IT!" Harry yelled angrily, slamming his book on the desk. "You wanna go, Draco? Huh? Hey - that rhymes!" He quickly high-fived Ron and reverted back to his serious expression. "Well?"

"Why not? I have nothing to lose," Malfoy drawled, smiling cruelly. He threw his wand, making it flip several times in the air before catching it without a single fumble

"Show-off," Harry mumbled. To Malfoy, he said, "You wish. Ron, you're my second."

Malfoy turned to face his so-called friends, sizing them up. "Goyle, you're mine."

A look of sheer terror crossed his face and he immediately ran off, screaming from fear, greatly resembling a super over-grown child running for his mummy. (AN: Just to let you know, I'm not British - but I can talk in a believable British accent!)

"OK, then…I guess Crabbe, then." Malfoy spoke confidently, but it was obvious that under his façade, he was quite nervous. Suddenly, Dean materialized out of thin air, causing Ron to jump a foot.

"Bloody hell, Dean! What was that for?" he exclaimed.

"Don't be such a redhead, Ron - I just passed my Apparition test!" (AN: if you have red hair, don't take offense - I think red hair is awesome!)

"But…you're only twelve, Dean," Ron said, looking puzzled. "You only started to Hogwarts a year ago!"

Dean motioned for Ron to lean in closer. "I found a shortcut," he whispered.

"WHAT?! Why didn't you tell me?! That's awesome!" Ron yelled, pumping his fist in the air. "Show me how - I wanna be able to jump ten feet…without being seen!"

"RON!" Harry yelled. "Stay focused, will you? I'm about to duel to the death here!"

"What, what? Oh, sorry. BTW, this isn't a duel-to-the-death duel, it's an embarrass-your-partner's-patushki-off duel," he corrected in a know-it-all tone. (AN: patushki is the word I made up for butt - it's pronounced puh-toosh-kee)

"What a relief!" Harry sighed gratefully. "Wait - what the hell does BTW mean?"

"Are you freakin' joshing me?? You don't text, do you?" Ron said exasperatedly.

"This is 1992, Ron!! We don't have cell-phones yet!" (AN: Harry was born in 1980 - the author herself says so!)

"Oh. Well, BTW means 'by the way'," he explained patiently.

"Would you stop yammering and get on with the stupid duel already?!" Malfoy complained.

"Pushy!" Harry said, hurt. "But, fine. Toi-"

"Wait! We will change each other back after this, right?" Harry's blond-haired opponent asked nervously.

"Of course, Draco! Scout's honor!" Harry smiled wickedly, secretly crossing his fingers behind his back. "OK. One, two, three…toilemasi!"

And, with a flash of bright yellow light, Malfoy turned into…a talking toilet.

"You're gonna pay for that, Potter! Pan-" The newly installed intercom came creakily over the loudspeakers.

"All students report to the Great Hall for an early lunch! That is all."

Ron and Harry took one look at each other. "LUNCH!" they cried together and took off running.

"Wait! You promised to change me back!" Draco wailed. "Hurry before Myr-" Once again, Malfoy was cut off, for Moaning Myrtle had just swooped into the room. He gulped and let out a bloodcurdling scream that came out gargled.

"A schizophrenic geek-ghost is stalking me!! HELP!" Unfortunately for Malfoy, not a single soul heard him. Myrtle rubbed her hands together maliciously and floated forward to give Draco a dose of his own medicine.

Note: Not a very good ending but, once again, I tried. This is HUMUROUS and is almost nothing like the book! Take it easy!