It is categorically unprofessional to vomit on governmental property.
It is categorically unprofessional to vomit on governmental property on one's first day on the job.
It is categorically unprofessional to run screaming from the building upon engaging in one's first encounter with one's new boss.
Timothy McGee repeated these facts to himself over and over again, as the tidal wave of sickening nausea continued to dance around his intestines. His eyes, brimming with still unbridled intelligence, were wide and petrified as he drank in his new surroundings from the relative sanctity of his new desk.
They were, he considered dazedly, very…orange.
Which was alarmingly similar to the hue of his complexion. With a healthy tinge of green. It struck him, that he probably resembled a slightly off coloured omelette. Continuing to slowly unpack his new surroundings, he closed his eyes in reflective chagrin.
Which was soon broken by the re-arrival of that…uhh…. Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, he had been previously introduced to, albeit briefly. His eyes widened as said senior field agent perched on his desk and smiled widely at him. He may have been in an investigative position for only one hour and thirty one minutes, but Tim instantly sensed something…off, about the grin.
Or maybe he was just a little bit dazzled by how white the man's teeth were, and how many he seemed to display in one smile. Regardless, it just didn't seem a grin that would tend to bode well for the new arrival.
"So, probie…how's the first day shaping up for you?"
Tim breathed outwards in relief. The use of the term "probie," he assumed, was to be expected, and the question posed was friendly. Perhaps he was just being over sensitive. Perhaps…it was just first day jitters that were causing him to analyse everything to death. Looking up at the man who he supposed was technically alsohis boss, he smiled slowly.
"It's fine, thank you," he replied politely, barely suppressing the nervous ring in his tone that always shone through when he was in any way uncomfortable. Tony nodded almost thoughtfully, scratching his chin as he ran an appraising gaze over the newcomer. "So where're you from? Tell us all about yourself?" he inquired brightly, jerking his head in the direction of an entering Kate Todd.
Tim had been introduced to her also, and she seemed pretty nice.
"Leave him alone Tony," she called over in an exasperated tone, as she settled herself behind her desk. Turning a kindly gaze on McGee, she smiled softly. "You don't have to answer his hundreds of questions," she informed him helpfully, "he gets bored after a while anyhow."
Instead of being affronted, Tony clapped a dramatic hand over his heart and shot wounded eyes over to his teammate. Tim instantly relaxed in the midst of what he could tell was clearly habitual banter between the two. "Kate," the elder agent griped, "how could you even say such things about me. I'm just trying to get to know probie over here, and you make out like I'm some sort of menace?"
He paused to chuckle deeply.
Besides, the last probie only lasted two days with Gibbs, I think it's only fair Tim here knows what he's up against. It takes a special kind of probie to cope with the boss-man," he winked down at McGee who felt his relaxation seep away, "but don't worry Tim, I'm sure you'll be just fine, right Kate?"
Before an exasperated Kate could respond, the slight grin slipped off her face and she glanced meaningfully at both junior and senior field agent, before ducking her head down in a stack of files. Tony chortled as he glanced at her bent over head, and once again winked at a bewildered looking McGee.
"Jeez, Kate," he continued with a ringing laugher, "I can't explain Gibbs Survival 101, all on my own now can I? Come on, help me out." She looked up from her files with pursed lips and shot the senior agent one of the most expressive looks Tim had ever seen, before shaking her head and dropping it right back in a pile of paperwork. Sighing in dramatic surrender, Tony turned to Tim and grinned that amazingly white grin down at him.
"Well don't worry probie," he assured him lightly, "at least I got your back. Now, what you need to know. Boy…" he laughed softly, "what you need to know….ok, well first of all, do you carry a knife? Like a pen knife, or something like that? In a pocket that you can easily reach, and is always on your person?"
Tim blinked.
Two days ago, he'd been reprogramming a software programme that aided efficacy in eliminating duplicate results in facial recognition searches. Not something one needed an ever present knife for, beside, he didn't even like knives. He looked up at Tony blankly, and shook his head. "No," he replied cautiously, "why would I need a knife everywhere I go?"
Tony blinked.
"Rule number nine, probie, you never go anywhere without a knife." McGee tilted his head in confusion. He had an academic mind, and upon notice of his transfer from Norfolk, he'd looked up and learned every regulation attaching to his position at NCIS. There was definitely no rule number nine, in fact, the entire NCIS regulatory manual, never once mentioned the carrying of a knife. He looked up at DiNozzo, to see his face scrunched up in equal confusion.
"Other important ones, well they're all important probie, but…let me see, oh yeah, rule number twenty three, never, ever, mess with a Marine's coffee. You got that one, McCurious? Because, trust me, it might save your life one day."
Tim's eyes were beginning to strain from the bulging quality they were taking on, increasing in size the more and more Tony talked. McCurious? What in the….hell? His attention wavered as the same Tony waved down Kate's quiet, "Tony, look be-", continuing to focus his gaze on the new arrival. "Now, those two are the most basic of the basic, but you need to know them all, you understand? It's the only way you'll survive."
McGee mouthed wordlessly, turning to his desk and frantically scrabbling through the tonne of introductory material that rested upon the surface top. Tony's brows raised as the newbie shifted reams and reams of paper everywhere, clearly searching for something. Waving down Kate's quiet interruption once more, he leant forwards.
"What are you looking for McTwitchy?"
It was a testament to how freaked he was about his oversight, that McGee didn't even register the play on his surname, as he looked up with wide eyes, jerking his head towards the haphazard stacks. "I read everything there was to know about working here," he muttered in horror, "but I must…." he ran a hand through his hair in frustration, "I must have missed these uhh….these rules…I must have missed that section."
Tony's immediate bursting of laughter was so strong, it blew a single form right off the desk, sending it fluttering to the floor. Feeling his mouth fall open slightly, Tim began to fervently miss the sanctity of his tech based Norfolk role.
"Probie," Tony spluttered, "these aren't exactly NCIS approved rules." He shook his head bemusedly, "they're Gibbs' rules, and you need to learn, live and breathe them squirt." He scratched his chin thoughtfully once more, still perilously perched on the side of the new arrival's desk. "What's next," he murmured, as if almost to himself, before looking up and snapping his fingers dangerously close to Tim's nose. "Rule number twelve probie, never date a co-worker." His gaze fell over Kate, who Tim was confused to once again see, shook her head and widened her eyes as much as they would possibly allow for, before throwing her gaze downwards.
What was wrong with these people? Why didn't Tony just ask Kate what she was trying to say, and why didn't she just say it? Tim once again thought fondly of his little cubicle, back at Norfolk, safe from unlisted and unsanctioned rules, and oddly muted teammates with overly expressive eyes. His own gaze found his senior agent once more, and once more, he was disarmed by how damned perfect his smiled was.
He felt a small twinge of jealously.
"Now, rule number twelve is probably the hardest for me probie," Tony continued proudly, "the women around here…" he puffed his chest out a bit and his impossibly toothy grin grew broader still, "well…let's just say, they don't really care about rule number twelve where I'm concerned." Before he could continue, Kate made to interrupt once more, with the same…warning quality in her eyes.
Once again, Tony waved her down. "Jeesh, Kate, if you're not going to help me warn Tim here what he's up against, would ya mind keeping the interruptions down to a dull roar?" She shot him daggers, before softening her gaze as it fell over McGee. "I really think you should look-" she started, but was once again cut off, as Tony turned his attention back to a now bemused Tim.
"Basically probie, you need to know that the boss-man, he's…well, the second "b" does stand for bastard. He will eat you alive if you don't have your shit together, so you just take your cue from me, and you'll be fine." He winked once more. "I've pretty much got him eating out of the palm of my hand at this stage. "
Kate groaned.
Before Tony could grinningly round on her, he heard a quiet clearing of the throat behind him, and suddenly, his blood ran a bit on the chilly side. Turning, the blood turned glacial and the grin slipped right out off his face. Following the senior agent's gaze, Tim also turned, feeling his pallor drop several colour points as his eyes fell upon the figure behind them.
"Eating out of the palm of your hand huh?….Is that right, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked quietly, taking a long draught of coffee as he surveyed his second in command, who was now scrambling to back pedal. Slipping his grin back on his face, and shrugging his shoulders in a drastically failed attempt at nonchalance, as Kate freaking giggled in the background, Tony shook his head.
"No boss," he chirped with a nervous laugh, "I uhh..well its…well what I mean is…" he trailed off, as Gibbs walked slowly towards him, closing his eyes in chagrin. The headslap was inevitable, and he winced heavily, rubbing the back of his head in chagrin. "Thank you boss," he mumbled in defeat, "getting back to work, boss."
Tim's eyes nearly fell clean out of his head as he watched with an open mouth the situation before him, which clearly, judging by other employee's non reactions, was far from unusual. He felt his body move of its own accord as he instinctively leaned his head out of the firing line, as Gibbs' attention fell upon him.
Taking another sip of coffee, the team lead ran a blue gaze over the nervous, new arrival, and found himself surprised by the instant liking he was taking to him. He raised a brow in his direction, as he swirled down another unhealthy glug of caffeine.
"McGee, right?"
Tim nodded silently, not trusting himself to speak.
"Do you know how to follow orders, McGee?"
Tim swallowed, alarmed by the fact that this question clearly necessitated a verbal response.
"Yes sir," he responded shakily.
Gibbs frowned.
"Don't call me sir."
Tim blinked.
"Uhh…yes…uhm…."
"Boss," Gibbs supplied helpfully, tilting his head at his newest agent in obvious contemplation.
"Yes boss," Tim replied quietly, breathing a small sigh of relief.
The older man considered him for another moment, taking another long draught of coffee.
"Do you know how to work as a team?"
Tim felt his head nodding of its own accord.
"Yes boss," he replied truthfully, having mastered that art a while ago.
Gibbs nodded once more, before jerking his head in a staring Tony and Kate's direction.
"Well, this is your team McGee, you have their backs, and mine, and we'll have yours. You understand?"
Once again, his moved with immediacy, and without hesitation.
"Yes boss."
Another slug of coffee was consumed, as the team lead continued his contemplations. He suddenly jerked his head in Tony's direction, who winced, but both men could have sworn they saw a small smile form at the corners of his lips.
"Ask DiNozzo over here to walk you through the rest of the rules, but not on my time, you got that?"
Tim's neck muscles were beginning to strain with all the repetitious nodding he was doing.
Nodding, Gibbs made to stride out of the bull pen, before pausing in front of Tony's desk, and eying him steadily.
"Don't forget to tell him about rule number twenty eight, DiNozzo."
Tony looked up, and over at Tim who was growing on him faster than any probie ever had, and nodded his head with a genuine smile.
"You got it, boss."
…..
A/N: Random one shot that popped into my head. Might do the same with a "Tony's first day" sometime. Hope you enjoyed, thanks for reading!