Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.

Opening the door, Light Yagami found himself walking into perpetual darkness, which was odd considering this room was the basis of the Kira Case itself A.K.A. his house. Reaching for a light-switch, Light eventually found it, and he flipped it on...

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RAITO-KUN!"

Light let out a gasp as Misa Amane, L, Matsuda, his parents, Sayu, Aizawa, Mogi, and Ryuk popped out of nowhere, all of them wearing party hats and looking rather cheerful. '...What the hell is Ryuk doing there, and how did he get a party hat?' Light wondered.

"...What's going on?" Light asked, trying to keep his temperment calm.

Placing a pointy party hat on Light's head, L exclaimed, "WHY, WE'RE CELEBRATING YOUR BIRTHDAY, OF COURSE! DON'T YOU WANNA HAVE FUN ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?!"

"Not really."

"SURE YA DO!" L laughed, ignoring Light's previous statement completely.

"C'mon, Raito-kun," Misa cooed, "Don't you want to play 'Spin The Bottle' or something?"

Light palm-faced. "Misa...have you noticed that besides you, me and L, everyone else is either an old man or a woman. Playing 'Spin The Bottle' isn't exactly a good idea...in fact, I think this whole birthday party is just a ridiculous farce."

'I'm not THAT old!' Matsuda thought.

"Raito Yagami, how dare you say that to your girlfriend! How dare you say that to any of us...except Matsuda." Soichiro snapped, "We go through all this trouble for you, and you blow us off?!"

"You must be Kira." L gasped.

"I AM NOT KIRA!" Light snapped, and then he went into 'THINKING MODE'.

'These idiotic fools! Don't they understand how stupid this all is? Shouldn't we be focusing on catching me - I mean, Kira? I need to wipe out some more criminals, too! Argh! There must be some way out of this...' Light pondered his situation.

Grabbing Light by the arm, Misa tugged him over to the couch and sat him down. A large pile of wrapped gifts laid before him.

"See, Raito-kun? We all bought presents for you!" Misa exclaimed happily, doing a little dance for emphasis.

'Go jump in a hole and die, bitch.' Light thought, yet his face remained emotionless. His party hat started to tip over a bit, but L pushed it back up.

"OPEN THAT BEIGE ONE! IT'S MINE! I BOUGHT IT FOR YOU!" Aizawa screamed, his afro pulsating as if it was alive.

Sighing, Light picked up one of Misa's presents and opened it.

"HEY! HE IGNORED ME?!" Aizawa cried.

The present was...a 'Anal Sex For Dummies' guide.

"Do you...do you get the hint?" Misa asked with a blush on her cheeks.

Light scowled. 'Meh...Ryuuzaki could definitely use this...'

"Open my present now, Raito-kun." L demanded, biting at his finger nail.

'Might as well...' Light thought, and he picked up L's gift. Unwrapping it, he opened the box and saw a black shirt neatly folded inside. He pulled it out and unraveled it. The words 'I AM KIRA' with an arrow pointing upwards at the neck hole was designed into the front.

"Thanks...Ryuuzaki..." Light muttered, his rage slowly growing.

L shrugged. "No problem. I thought of you when I made it, so...I'm sure it'll fit!"

Light clenched the shirt tightly in his hands. "...I REALLY hate you right now, Ryuuzaki..."

L gasped and exclaimed, "THIS PROVES YOU ARE KIRA...FOR ONLY KIRA WOULD HATE SOMEONE AS SWEET AND ADORABLE AS ME!"

"...You got that right..."

Light soon opened the rest of the presents without delay. He received:

A crappy pocket watch from his father ('I'll sell it to the hobo downtown.').

A pair of bunny slippers from Sayu ('WTF?').

A box of condoms from his mother ('Dammit...I am NOT having sex with Misa, everyone!').

A heart-shaped box full of heart-shaped candies from Matsuda ('FAG ALERT, FAG ALERT!').

A porn mag from Mogi ('I could use this...').

A wig that looked just like Aizawa' afro from Aizawa ('BURN IT WITH FIRE!')

Lastly, Ryuk came up to Light and placed a small box on his host's lap. "Here...if you don't want it, give it to me..." he chuckled, before flying up through the ceiling and back into Light's room.

Shrugging, Light opened the box and saw a card for one free meal at Applebee's. 'Applebee's...I think I know why Ryuk would want it back...' Light thought with his first little grin in ages.

Anyway, once Light had finished opening the presents, Soichiro broke out the alcohol and everyone got drunk.

"Heeeey...you're Link, righ'?" L groggily asked Light as he laid on his back and made chirping noises.

Light shook his head. "My name is Light Yagami. You're celebrating my birthday..."

L sat up and flashed Light a dangerous glare. "NAAAAW! YOU'RE...YOU'RE KIRA!" he exclaimed before fainting.

'Yes...yes I am...' Light thought before heading upstairs. He didn't forget either to stop at the trash can and toss away his party hat.

'I hate all of them...so much. ESPECIALLY RYUUZAKI!'