"Looking At Life"
Written by: Melissa (Doc)
NOTES: This is a short piece that follows the episode, Night Five.
CJ couldn't believe it. Billy was dead. He was dead. They never did get along, but she never hated him. He challenged her, and she liked that. The look in her eyes said everything. Billy's wife had to go home and tell her two children that daddy was never coming home. She had to look them in the eye and tell them that. For the rest of their lives, they will never get to know their father. They will never understand what happened that caused this.
CJ felt a knot in her stomach as she went down to the mess. It was now two in the morning and most everyone had gone home. CJ stayed to make sure Billy's wife got off okay, even though her husband had just been killed. CJ felt it was her duty to see her through this. She asked for her to call if she or the kids needed anything. CJ didn't know if she would call, she probably wouldn't. Her eyes looked empty. Her heart that used to be so full had flooded out in just one night. This night that changed her life forever. CJ couldn't stop thinking about her.
CJ grabbed some crackers and a sandwich that had probably been there all day. She didn't care. She had nothing to eat since that morning. She poured herself a cup of coffee and started back to her office. She noticed the darkness that surrounded the hallways. The silence that she's never heard until this night. For the first time since working here, it looked dead. And it made CJ shiver. She got to her office and noticed her door was still open. She stopped and remembered telling Billy's wife that he was killed in an ambush. She didn't know what that meant. She didn't have to. All she knew was her husband was gone. Not just gone for the day, or week, but for the rest of her life. CJ took a deep breath and tried to walk forward, but her legs felt like they weighed 200 pounds. She couldn't move. She couldn't go into that office tonight. Even though there was no one around, it felt crowded to her. CJ turned around and went back down the hall. She saw that Josh's door was shut and the lights around it were turned off. She knew he had gone home. She turned down another hallway and looked at the walls and the windows. She never noticed these things before. It looked like a place she'd never been before. As she walked down, she heard music coming from the Communications Bullpen. She walked in and saw that Ginger and Bonnie had left for the night. Sam's door was shut and the lights were out. The music was now loud to her ears. It was coming from the office next to Sam's. CJ walked over and saw that Toby's door was open. She walked up to the doorway and stood there. She saw Toby looking out his window, swaying to the beat of the music. It was instrumental. She thought Yo-Yo Ma for a second, but it was mostly a piano. As the next song came on, she recognized it. Ava Maria. She remembered hearing it before in Josh's office years ago. She saw Toby move his head down and his eyes now looked at the floor. CJ walked in a little more and got his attention. He turned his head and looked at her. He didn't look surprised to see her. He looked distant, a little sad maybe. CJ turned the volume of the music down a little and looked over at him. He was looking out the window again. She knew he was upset. He had been acting like this for four days now, ever since the Iowa Caucus. She had asked him about it, but he told her not to worry about it.
CJ walked up and stood beside him. He looked over at her and saw the tears in her eyes. She didn't feel like she needed to hide her pain from Toby. CJ looked over at him and saw the same look in his face. And she saw the tears fall down. He grabbed her hand and they smiled weakly at each other before looking back out into the storm around them. Remembering what they have, and remembering how to keep it.
The End