It wasn't quiet. That was the first thing I noticed when she finally drifted off. Her breathing, the sound of it, filled my ears deafeningly and I just took a deep breathe relishing in the moment. God I loved her…!… I mean, love her! My head spun for a moment as reality came crashing down. Of course I would always love her, but since I'd left I hadn't realized that in my mind I'd started saying lovedher. I closed my eyes and let guilt overtake me for a moment. But then I felt her breathing in and out against me and I became less tense. God I missed her.
I tightened my arms around her protectively, overcome by the joy that I finally had her back, how I'd missed holding her in my arms. I took in her scent as I snuggled myself closer to her. I wished morning would never come, so I could hold her in my arms forever, and truly never let go. I felt my eyebrows knit together as a thought occurred to me. How could she have thought I didn't love her?
As if in response to my question, some worried thoughts drifted upstairs from Charlie, who hadn't gone to bed yet. I still felt bad about stressing him out. Bella might have taken me back - but I doubt Charlie will ever like me again.
How could she take him back after what he did to her? For months she's been depressed. And the dreams. I wonder if she'll stop waking up screaming, It's gonna take a lot for her to get over that… and he just waltzes right back into her life like it was nothing; like he didn't break my baby's heart. I'll never forgive that boy as long as I live.
I stopped listening. Well, that answered that question. No surprises there. But his thoughts still upset me. Screaming? She woke up screaming? For months?! What had I done?!
Suddenly I felt sick. Ashamed of myself. I hurt us both, I'd meant to make her life better by leaving, not worse! …But I'm back now. I can finally hold her and I won't be stupid enough to leave her ever again. Ever. I felt my chest constricting and knew that if I were able to, I'd be crying tears of guilt.
Instead I just held her closer and began to hum her lullaby, like I was comforting her. But it was really to comfort myself. I'd prove my love to her. With time. I never wanted her to doubt again.
We lay like that for awhile. I began rocking her back and forth just the tiniest bit as I hummed her lullaby. Her breathing became more even.
I heard as Charlie turned off the TV downstairs and stood up. I gritted my teeth, knowing what came next - I knew the drill by now. I stopped humming and rocking back and forth, counting his steps downstairs.
To get a cup of water, check all the locks, and he headed for the staircase, his thoughts said he wanted to sleep, but on the edge of his mind was always that little part of him worrying about Bella. That little wary edge had been there every second ever since I'd returned and I imagined it had been there longer than that - probably since I'd left.
It took all of my will-power to un-pry my arms from Bella's sleeping form (had I not just wished to never have to let go?). She remained oblivious as I silently slipped into her closet, staying deep in the shadows.
Sure enough when Charlie reached the top of the stairs his feet immediately led him to her door, without a conscious thought crossing his mind.
He opened it as quietly as he could but it still creaked loudly to my ears. Bella didn't stir. My baby. I heard in Charlie's mind. But then I saw his eyebrows go down as worry lines appeared on his forehead. Her face is scrunched up like it was when… I tried not to cry out as I watched a memory in Charlie's mind. It was Bella a few weeks ago. Her face scrunched up as she whimpered in her sleep and eventually woke up screaming. I watched as if it were me comforting Bella, because it had been Charlie in the memory who had pulled his sobbing daughter into his arms.
Luckily I succeeded in maintaining silence. God, how I wanted to scream, to watch her scream and do nothing - and to know it was my fault, that was torture.
Bastard. Charlie thought bitterly as he shut the door. And even though he didn't know I was here I knew I deserved the insult, worse insults in my opinion for what I'd done. But now he was going to bed, and that meant I could return to Bella's.
This time I got into her bed on the opposite side of her, so she was facing me instead of having her back pressed up against my chest. Her hands were curled up into little balls. I gently pulled her close, without disturbing her from her slumber.
Her breathing wasn't even any more. I couldn't help but notice. It had gotten the slightest bit more labored too. I pulled myself away from her just enough to see her face. Horrible worry plagued me as I saw that Charlie was right, her face was scrunched up in a scowl, like she was in pain. I bit my lip, fierce anxiety running to every part of my body.
I reached up to stroke her face, in an attempt to comfort her, when she began to visibly shake in my arms. My gut twisted and my eyes widened in pain as I looked at her and just pulled her closer to me. I felt that my voice wouldn't work, but I hummed her lullaby anyway, praying that that would make the shaking stop. But it only got worse.
Then the mumbling started. At first it was just disjointed syllables as Bella jerked in her sleep, sweating and shaking still, despite my rigid arms. I felt myself go pale when I heard her say my name. Still mumbling, and shaking, the scowl of pain still on her face.
Seeing her like this, especially that tortured look on her face - it made me want to claw my eyes out, and again I knew I'd be crying at the very least if I could.
But then the worst thing that could have happened did. Her eyes had been shut tightly, too tight to be in a pleasant sleep, but right before my eyes tears started leaking out, and pouring down her face.
"Bella." I choked, so low I knew she wouldn't hear it. "love? Oh, Bella. No. no. No. I'm so sorry Bella, Bella?" I knew I was mumbling too, and I didn't care. My angel was in pain, and I'd caused it. All my insides twisted under my skin and I wished someone would cut me open and pour flaming tar into all my organs. Maybe then they'd stop twisting and churning in the pain I shared with her.
"I'm sorry." I whispered over and over again, each time she said my name. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to hers. I felt her sweat and began shaking myself. I held her like this, my forehead pressed into hers, whispering her name and apologies in response to everything she said. And I held her hands in mine, clutching them to my chest. And we stayed like that for awhile, nearly an hour, while she cried. I still rocked her back and forth, as if I could comfort her for the pain I'd caused.
Suddenly she became stiff in my arms. Her shaking increased ten-fold and it scared the living hell out of me. "Bella!" I asked, slightly louder this time. And she gasped before she started hyperventilating. "Bella!" I said again, in panic, and I began caressing her face.
"No…" she moaned, between breaths, her eyes screwed shut. "No, no, no, no, no!… Wake Up! Wake UP!" Her hands moved away from mine suddenly and up to her face, covering her eyes as she shook her head. Then she began to openly cry, to sob loudly, unlike the quiet, silent tears that had leaked out while she'd been sleeping. And suddenly I knew what was happening with another sick twist of my gut.
"Bella." I choked, barely able to speak aloud, "Bella, love? shhh. It's ok. You. Are. Awake." My words sounded concerned, no, more than concerned, positively alarmed and tortured. But I started rubbing her arms soothingly, hoping she'd be comforted. She looked positively broken. And I'd done it.
"Bella, It's ok. I'm here. I came back. I'm right here. Everything is ok. Bella?" I wondered if she heard the pleading in my voice. The silent begging in my words for her to stop before my mind attacked to the point of no return and I simply died of grief and guilt, for not being able to make things better. For hurting her more by trying to protect her. Her breathing became less labored and she stopped openly sobbing, but she seemed afraid to take her hands off her eyes.
"I'm really here Bella. I am, it wasn't a dream. I came back. I love you." I heard her sob once behind her hands. God, how I wanted to be able to sob with her. Finally I whispered, "Please Bella… open your eyes." There was silence for a few seconds, except for her breathing, I'd stopped breathing myself when things had gotten bad.
Very slowly she pulled her hands away from her face, peeking through her fingers first like a child cheating at hide and seek. Her lip quivered and I could see she still almost doubted that I was here. But then she snapped and threw herself at me and into my arms. "Oh Edward." she sobbed into my shoulder holding me close.
"Sh… shh…" I said as I gently rubbed one hand through her hair and the other up and down her back. "I'm here." I whispered.
"I dreamt, it hadn't happened, that…that you were still g-gone. At first you were with me, but then you were gone and all I had were memories. I heard my lullaby, but I thought it was just my mind finally going crazy w-with loss... I dreamt that you were still go-gone." She continued to sob into my shoulder.
I began to breathe again, slight relief that she was awake. But my insides still twisted uncomfortably. Guilt picked away at my stomach as if there were little men with pickaxes chipping away at me from the inside out.. "I know. I know." I said letting my hand run across her back in circular patterns. "I'm sorry… God Bella, I-I'm so sorry. But I'm here now. I'm back. And I'm never letting you go."
My words took a few seconds to set in but then she stopped crying as she became fully awake and she lay breathing on my chest. I rocked us back and forth and she got calmer. Eventually she sniffled and lifted her head away from my shoulder to look into my face. She still looked spooked, like an animal after a gunshot. "Never?" she asked so quietly I doubt any human would have heard her.
I brought my hand back to her face, wiping her tears away with my thumb. "Bella, I will never leave you ever again. I promise." and she smiled, just the tiniest bit, her eyes still red and puffy. I think my stomach jumped up into my chest, that or it did a back flip on me; I'm not sure.
"I love you too." she said, and I knew it was in response to what I'd said before. I grinned the tiniest bit now too. We could get through this. We really can.
I kissed her on the forehead and she settled into my shoulder again. Her arms wound their way around me and she tried drifting back off to sleep. I knew her arms were around me so she couldn't forget, so she'd know this was real, an attempt to remind herself that I really was here even after she'd fallen asleep. I didn't need to see her mind to see the pain in her eyes, and the doubt, the reluctance to fall back asleep.
I might have screwed this up, but I would never let it happen again. I was here to stay and I meant my promise to her to never let go. I tightened my grip around her and she sighed, nearing the edge of sleep.
I can make this better. I have time, all the time in the world.
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Not really sure where that came from, but I always swoon when I get to the parts of the books where Edward feels tortured because Bella's in pain. That kind of empathy and love has always intrigued me... so naturally I wrote a fic about it :P Hope you enjoyed it - it really was pretty angsty wasn't it? lol.
-FA :)