I know the fake dating trope is super predictable, but honestly, I don't care because it's such fun to write. I'm aiming to put a little bit of smut in every chapter, but of course, because they're only fake dating, it'll be a few chapters before we get serious porn. But yes, this is an older!Steven x Peridot smutty story. If older!Steven x Peridot smutty stories are not your thing, I suggest you turn back now, because I will not be all that happy if every single comment I get is a complaint that it's an older!Steven x Peridot smutty story. You have been warned.

MONDAY

"Peridot! I need you to be my girlfriend!"

Peridot stared at Steven in shocked silence for several seconds. She'd fantasized about hearing those words so many times that for a moment, she honestly thought she'd imagined it. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" she said eventually.

"I need you to be my girlfriend," Steven said again before elaborating. "On Friday. Connie's coming back from college for Spring Break and I asked her if she wanted to come over and hang out, but apparently, she's going on a date!" He scowled in annoyance. "With Peedee! Can you believe it!?"

Actually, Peridot could. Peedee, with his strong work ethic and desire for cleanliness and order seemed like a good match for the diligent and focused Connie, but as it obviously wasn't the answer Steven wanted to hear, she kept her mouth shut and let him continue ranting.

"-said she'd moved on and only saw me as a friend, so I'm going to show her just what she's missing," Steven finished, looking determined. "So I thought if you pretended to be my girlfriend and we showed up at the movies on Friday when they go, she might get jealous and change her mind."

"I see," Peridot said slowly. "You know, I've seen this exact same plot in Camp Pining Hearts on at least four separate occasions, and it never works."

"That's just television," Steven said, dismissing her concerns with a quick wave of his hand. "You know they make everything go wrong for drama."

"True," she admitted. She drummed her fingers on her chin for a moment. "So… how exactly would I benefit from this arrangement?" she asked. She already knew she was going to say yes, because being Steven's pretend girlfriend was still better than nothing, but she didn't want to look like a complete pushover.

"Uh…" He thought hard until an idea began to blossom in his mind. His father had given him a credit card for emergencies a couple of years ago, but he really only ever used it to buy food when Amethyst had eaten everything, so he knew he had plenty of credit available. "I'll take you to Radio Shack for a shopping spree?"

"Oooooh." Peridot slowly nodded in approval. "I must admit, that's a tempting offer."

"So will you do it?" He stared at her with his best puppy-dog eyes. "Will you pretend to be my girlfriend on Friday?"

"No."

"But-"

Peridot held up a hand to stop his protests. "We can't just show up at the movies on Friday and expect her to believe we're dating," she explained when he looked confused. "Don't you recall what happened in season seven? Jude and Jade pretended to be dating to try and make their ex's jealous, but because it happened so suddenly, nobody believed them. We'd need to dating before Friday to be convincing."

"Oh." Steven could see the sense in that. "OK then, will you pretend to be my girlfriend this week?"

"Throw in a shopping spree for clothes too, and you've got yourself a deal."

She held out a hand, and he reached out and shook it. "Deal."

Immediately, Peridot launched into action. "The first thing we need to do," she announced, "is to work out our story."

"Our story?" Steven repeated.

Peridot nodded. "Recall season four. Ricky and Nikki were caught out because they hadn't thought of a story as to why they were dating, so when they were asked, Ricky said he'd asked Nikki during the barbeque, while Nikki said she'd asked him when she found him lost in the woods. In fact," she added with a laugh, "I seem to recall you telling me about a similar problem during the time the Crystal Gems pretended to be married to Greg."

"Ugh, don't remind me!" Steven groaned. He had to admit, she had a point. The meal with Connie's parents had always been doomed from the start, but it might have gone slightly better if any of them had thought about what questions they might be asked beforehand, instead of him making up wild stories about apple farms and roller coasters on the spot. If he told Connie he and Peridot had decided to start dating at a roller coaster, she'd know he was lying. "OK. So, why are we dating?"

"We should probably keep it relatively close to the real reason," Peridot mused. "You came to me and told me Connie was dating Peedee. That much is true. But then we can say that I told you I liked you, and that made you re-evaluate your life and you realized that even though you two had never officially been boyfriend and girlfriend, you'd always assumed you and Connie would end up together and you'd never bothered looking elsewhere because you'd thought she would always be there, but now you're happy she forced you to take another look around because now you see me in a different light. A girlfriend light."

"Wow!" Steven reeled back in amazement. "That's great, how did you think of all that so quickly?"

"I'm very smart," Peridot said demurely. "And I definitely haven't been imagining anything remotely like that for months. So! Our schedule!" Her gem glowed and she took a small notebook and pencil out of it. "You said they'd be at the movies on Friday, correct?"

"Yep." Steven nodded. "They're going to see Killerbot 6."

"And today is Monday. So if we include today, that gives us four days to establish a relationship." She tapped her pencil on the paper. "Today we should definitely concentrate upon being seen."

"We can go to the beach," Steven said at once. "It's a beautiful day today, so there'll be plenty of people there. And Peedee's bound to be working at the stall at some point, so we can make sure he sees us."

"Excellent." Peridot scribbled' beach' on the page. "And his brother, the creepy one who spies on everyone, is he still staying in the lighthouse?"

"Ronaldo?" Steven asked, before realizing there really wasn't anyone else who fit that description. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure he lives in there now."

"Then tomorrow, we'll have a romantic picnic up there and watch the sunset. He's bound to see us-"

"-And he'll probably tell his brother. He might even put it on his blog!" Steven finished in delight. "Peri, you're a genius!"

She allowed herself a smug grin at his praise. "I know. Now, moving on. Wednesday, perhaps we should take a break. If we spend every day of the week indulging in public displays of affection, people might begin to get suspicious."

"Like in season nine, when Paulette tried to make Percy jealous by making out with that new swim instructor?" Steven remembered.

Peridot laughed. "She was so obvious!"

"Yeah, every time he turned around, she was in that guys lap!" Steven laughed as well. "OK, so nothing on Wednesday. Maybe we could just send each other texts. I could show them to Connie-"

"Ah!" Peridot's eyes lit up with inspiration. "I have a much better idea!" She pulled her phone out of her gem and began scrolling through it. "It's a scientifically proven fact that when somebody is shown an image on a phone, they are unable to resist swiping through to look at the other images. So over the next few days, I am going to send you some of my best 'selfies'. Then on Wednesday, take a picture of something interesting. When you show it to Connie, she will be unable to resist swiping through your other pictures, which is when she'll find photographs of me, looking especially attractive," she bragged. "Now, Thursday… um…" She trailed off as she finally ran out of ideas.

"We can go to the Funland Amusement Park," Steven suggested. "We'll go on some of the rides together and then I'll try and win you an enormous toy."

"Perfect." She jotted that down, and then added 'Friday - movies' underneath. "Very well. Go back to the house and gather up whatever you require for a day at the beach. I'll meet you there as soon as I am ready."

"Great!" He leaned over and gave her a quick hug. "Thanks Peri, you're the best."

xxx

Fifteen minutes later, Peridot warped into the beach house, dressed in a pretty pink floaty sundress, with a pair of sunglasses jammed into her hair. "Ready?"

"Yup." Steven proudly held a canvas bag aloft. "I've got sunscreen, water, towels, magazines and some money for snacks."

"Excellent." She smirked at him and held out her hand. "Let's go."

They left the house and began walking around the cliff towards the Boardwalk. Some colleges and schools had evidently broken up for Spring Break a little earlier than Connie's, and this, coupled with the nice weather, meant that the beach was surprisingly busy. Still, they managed to find a patch of sand just in front of Fish Stew Pizza, where they could easily see who was working at the fry stall next door. "It's Fryman," Steven hissed as he unrolled his towel. "But he usually takes a lunch break at about one o'clock. Peedee might take over then."

Peridot checked the time on her phone. "Eleven thirty. So we need to stay here for at least an hour and a half. What should we do?"

Steven's mind went blank. "Uh… I don't really know," he confessed. "Usually when I come to the beach, it's because there's monsters or an event or something. I don't usually kind of just… hang out."

Peridot scanned the other people around them for a few seconds before coming to a decision. She yanked her dress over her head, revealing her floral bikini, and stuffed it into the bag before pulling out the sunscreen. "Take off your clothes and put this on me," she commanded.

"I didn't think gems could tan?" Steven commented in surprise, although he obediently took the bottle anyway.

"We can't," she said serenely, sitting herself down on the towel in front of him. "But from my brief observations, applying sunscreen to one another can be quite romantic." She nodded over at another couple a short distance away, who were dabbing sunscreen on each others noses and giggling.

"Ah, right. Gotcha." He stripped down to his board shorts, squirted a blob of lotion into his hand and began rubbing it onto her shoulders and back. "How's that?"

"Mmm." She smiled to herself. "Very good. Now lie down and I'll do you- hey!"

Steven laughed as she crossed her eyes, trying to look at the blob of sunscreen on the tip of her nose. "Sorry. Hold still, I'll wipe if off." Once he was done, he lay down on his stomach. The he let out a small yelp of surprise as she suddenly straddled his hips and sat down on his butt. "What are you doing!?"

"Shh." Peridot's eyes flicked over to the bushes that lined the Boardwalk. Every now and then, sunlight gleamed as it bounced off of something, and she could guess exactly what it was. "We're being watched. Act natural."

Steven tensed and his own gaze began to swoop across the beach. "Where?"

Peridot squirted sunscreen into her hands and leaned forward to rub it onto his upper back. "Ronaldo. In the bushes. With binoculars," she whispered. "Don't look, he'll see!" she added as he began to turn his head. "Just lay still."

"OK," Steven muttered. He relaxed slightly and let himself just enjoy the feeling of her hands on his body. Then she shifted slightly and started rubbing lotion on his sides and on the small of his back and he squirmed, belatedly realizing that he was perhaps enjoying it a little too much. "That's uh, that's probably enough sunscreen," he said with a cough.

"OK," she said agreeably. "Hold still. I'm going to take a selfie. Then I'm going to kiss you on the cheek, so don't flinch."

Season eleven, he understood. Jimmy and Ginny had been caught out when he'd tried to kiss her without warning and she'd turned her face away. So when she leaned forward again and pressed her lips to his cheek, he didn't move. To be honest, he didn't quite dare. He could feel her breasts touching his back, and he was suddenly acutely aware that she was sitting on him and not wearing very much at all. If he moved, he was likely to get arrested.

"Your skin is very warm," she commented when she pulled away. "Has the sun caused your body temperature to rise? Would you like a drink of water?"

"Actually, could you get me an ice cream?" he asked, nodding over in the direction of Cone 'N' Son. "A chocolate one?"

"Of course." She stood up, much to his relief, and took the money from the bag and walked away. He watched her hips swing from side to side before he realized what he was doing, and turned away.

"Control yourself, Steven," he scolded himself. "Remember, you're doing this for Connie, and Peridot is just a friend. Stop enjoying yourself so much." But of course, he admitted internally, the whole reason he'd asked Peridot for help in the first place was because he'd suspected it would be a lot easier to fake a romantic relationship with her than with anyone else, because he already thought she was cute.

A shadow fell over him and he glanced up before recoiling at the sight of Ronaldo's undermoobs. "Gah!"

"Steven," Ronaldo said formally, dropping onto the sand next to him. "Usually I would avoiding stepping onto this beach when the sheeple are around, but I feel as though I must speak to you on a matter of great urgency."

"Oh?" Steven asked cautiously. He half-hoped Ronaldo was talking about Peridot, but honestly, it was just as likely that he wanted to talk about how Fish Stew Pizza had started doing dessert pizzas for the holiday season and that was clearly a sign that they were under the control of sneople. "What's that?"

Ronaldo gestured dramatically in the direction of the ice cream stall. "You and the eco-terrorist, of course!"

Steven groaned and let his face fall onto the sand, immediately regretting it when he inhaled a mouthful of sand. "Ack!" He spat and then tried again. "Ronaldo, I told you a hundred times already, Peridot isn't an eco-terrorist."

"The zoos-" the other young man began, but Steven cut him off at once.

"She's been here for fours years! The zoos are fine! The only one of us who's ever done any sort of zoo-breaking is me!" He narrowed his eyes. "You're still just mad she blew up your drones, aren't you?"

Ronaldo puffed up with outrage. "Do you know how much a drone costs!?"

"Yes," Steven said flatly. "Because my dad replaced three of them before he put his foot down and told you to just stop trying to spy on her." Belatedly, he remembered his plot. "A-and as her boyfriend, I second that advice."

"Aha!" Ronaldo shot to his feet and pointed accusingly at him. "I knew it!"

"Knew what?" Steven said innocently.

"I knew she was planning something!" He began pacing back and forth and Steven was forced to move back to avoid the sand being kicked at his face. "Alien breeding experiments!"

Steven's mouth dropped open. "What!?"

"Alien breeding experiments!" Ronaldo said again. "Of course! As the link between humans and aliens, you're the ideal starting point- stop laughing!" he scolded as Steven began to do just that. "You won't be laughing when she takes you to her secret laboratory and has her wicked way with you!"

"Oh, I'm looking forward to it!" Steven joked, and laughed harder at the horrified look on the other man's face. "Don't worry. It's only our first date. We're saving the secret lab for at least the third one."

"Well, don't say I didn't warn you," Ronaldo said crossly. "You know, once she's done with you, she'll move on to human men. She'll probably start with your father, after all, he's already successfully reproduced with an alien."

Steven stopped laughing at once and jumped to his feet. He wasn't quite sure if he was more offended about the implied insult towards his father, his mother or Peridot herself, but either way, he was definitely offended. Despite a small growth spurt two years ago, he was still much shorter than the other man, but he still managed to be surprisingly intimidating and Ronaldo took a hasty step backwards. "I think you'd better leave now," he said quietly. "My girlfriend is coming back and I don't want you bothering her."

"I'm going. But remember," he added as he began to flounce away. "I told you so!" And with that, he marched off across the sand, making sure to deliberately step into Peridot's path as she approached, forcing her to step around him.

"What's his problem?" she asked, handing over the ice cream. "Is he still angry about the drones?"

"Yeah." Steven licked his cone and sat back down on the sand. "Also he thinks you're planning on doing weird breeding experiments on me and my dad."

xxx

After Steven was done with his ice cream, they built a sandcastle and messed around in the water for half an hour before they returned to their towels and read the magazine together. Steven spotted Peedee taking orders at the fry stall, but he waited until they'd both finished being rubbish at the crossword before he suggested heading over to get some bits. Peridot agreed, so they both pulled their clothes back on over their swimsuits and walked back up the beach, hand in hand.

"Hey, Peedee," Steven greeted with rather more warmth that he felt at the sight of his love rival.

"Steven," Peedee replied, a little warily. His eyes darted down to their clasped hands and he relaxed slightly. "Can I get you the bits?"

"Please." Steven turned to Peridot. "What about you, sweetie? Do you want anything?"

Peridot snuggled against his arm and tried to look adorable and mostly managed it. "Well, I was saving eating for a special occasion…"

"What could be more special than our first date?" Steven exclaimed at once.

"Our second date?" she replied cheerfully.

Peedee cleared his throat. "So, uh, are you two a thing then?" he asked hesitantly. "Ronaldo did say something, but you know, Ronaldo…"

"Yeah." Steven valiantly resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "We know Ronaldo. But you have to admit, there's often a tiny bit of truth in his claims."

"Except the bit about me being an eco-terrorist," Peridot grumbled.

Steven leaned over and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "I bet Yellow Diamond thinks you're an eco-terrorist," he teased.

Peridot perked up at once and grinned smugly. "It would be fun to liberate the rest of that zoo," she mused aloud. "Except from what you told us, it doesn't sound as if the zoomans would cope very well with life on Earth."

Peedee was looking a little lost, so Steven changed the subject. "So I hear you and Connie are an item now too?" he said brightly, taking the bag of fry bits from Peedee's outstretched hands.

"Oh, yeah." Peedee smiled. "She came home last week to visit her parents and I ran into her at the movies. We got chatting, she mentioned she was planning on seeing the new Killerbot movie, and I asked her if she'd like to see it with me."

"What a coincidence!" Peridot said loudly, squeezing Steven's hand a little too tightly because he seemed to have frozen. "We're planning to see that movie too!"

"Really?" Peedee suddenly gasped. "Hey, why don't you come with us? We can make it a double date!"

"Uh, OK," Steven said in a slightly strained voice. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Sure, that'd be great," he said, a bit more convincingly. "Text me and let me know when you wanna meet and stuff."

"OK," Peedee said happily. "Enjoy your bits!"

"Thanks." Steven nodded and stepped away from the stall. "Bye."

Peridot waited until they were back on the beach and well out of earshot before questioning him. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah. It's just…" He sighed and flopped onto his back. "She never told me she was here at the weekend. Why wouldn't she tell me that?"

"Well…" Peridot struggled to think of something diplomatic to say. "She must have had her reasons. Perhaps you can ask her on Friday. Anyway," she quickly added, "it's not important. But do you know what is?"

"What?" Steven said gloomily.

Peridot smirked and nodded her head back in the direction of Beach Citywalk Fries. "Peedee is going to have to tell Connie that he's invited us along on their date."

xxx

They hung out on the beach for another hour so as not to appear suspicious, and then headed back to the beach house. None of the other gems seemed to be around, they noted with some relief; somehow neither of them thought the others would really approve of their dating, fake or otherwise. "I'll come over tomorrow afternoon and we can make preparations for the picnic," Peridot declared, heading for the warp pad.

"It's a date," Steven said with a grin.

She smiled back and disappeared. He gazed at the space where she'd been standing, and then sighed and turned away. His skin felt gritty with salt and sand, so he stepped into the bathroom to take a shower. He made sure to take his phone out of his pocket before he put his shorts in the laundry basket, and found himself staring at the blank screen. "Why didn't you tell me you were in town?" he said aloud to himself. Even if she didn't consider him boyfriend material, they were still friends, right? So why hadn't she told him she'd been back?

Before he could dwell upon it any longer though, the phone buzzed in his hand and he almost dropped it in surprise. The he smiled again when he saw that it was a picture message from Peridot. Presumably it was one of the attractive selfies she'd promised. He opened the message, and sure enough, there she was, outside the barn with the beach in the background, dressed in that pretty pink sundress, her hair slightly mussed from playing on the beach, and a cheerful smile on her face.

Then the phone buzzed with a second picture, and this time, he really did drop the phone. He fumbled for it with shaky hands, and took a second look, just to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. But nope, it was still the selfie she'd taken when she was sitting astride him in her bikini. He stared at the picture for several seconds, drinking in the details. The angle of the shot meant that he could see down her top, and her position meant if he'd rolled over, she would've been sitting on his dick-

He gulped and quickly held the phone to his chest and cast a furtive glance around the room, half expecting one of the gems to burst in and catch him with a growing boner and a half-naked picture of Peridot. Of course, that didn't happen, but he reached out to check the lock on the door, just in case. He shook his head. "I should probably take a cold shower."

Then again… it wasn't like he was doing anything wrong. He peeked at the photo again, zooming in slightly to get a better view of her cleavage and reaching down into his shorts to rub himself. Then, realizing that if he carried on like this, he was going to make a mess in his shorts, he finished stripping off and stepped into the shower.

As the warm water ran over him, he closed his eyes and let his thoughts wander as he carried on stroking himself. Connie. Think of Connie, he told himself. Connie on the beach in a little white bikini. He was lying on the beach and she was standing in front of him, smiling down. He tried to stand up, but someone was sitting on his back. He rolled over and Peridot was sitting on his aching crotch. "Hello, Steven," she purred. "Did you like the photo?"

"It was great," he imagined himself saying.

"Hmm…" She sat back slightly and ground down upon him. "I can think of one or two ways the image could be improved upon." She reached behind her and unclasped her top and tossed it aside. "How's this?"

"B-better," he gasped. In his head, he reached out and fondled her naked boobs. In reality, he jerked himself a little faster and pretended Peridot was reaching into his shorts, giving him a helping hand. It was her hands wrapped around his cock now, her thumb rubbing the head, teasing the slit… she pulled him closer and kissed him deeply and he could feel her stiff nipples brushing against his chest-

Intense pleasure washed over him and he bit his lip hard, trying to muffle his moans as he came.

For several minutes, he just sagged against the bathroom wall, letting the water wash over him, erasing all the evidence of what had just happened. Then he dropped his head into his hands and groaned, mortified with himself. That little fantasy hadn't quite turned out exactly as he'd planned.