Fathers Necklace, a tales of symphonia fanfic

Well, normally I wouldn't post this sort of thing, but... I found it funny. From the elite story generator! I don't own.

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Lloyd Irving, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling really concerned, Lloyd Irving slapped a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he realized that his beloved Fathers Necklace was missing! Immediately he called his former lay, Yuan Ka-fai. Lloyd Irving had known Yuan Ka-fai for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Yuan Ka-fai was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... stupid. Lloyd Irving called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Yuan Ka-fai picked up to a very happy Lloyd Irving. Yuan Ka-fai calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths yawn before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually indiscriminately panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Lloyd Irving. Why was Yuan Ka-fai trying to distract Lloyd Irving? Because he had snuck out from Lloyd Irving's with the Fathers Necklace only five days prior. It was a saucy little Fathers Necklace... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Lloyd Irving got back to the subject at hand: his Fathers Necklace. Yuan Ka-fai yawned. Relunctantly, Yuan Ka-fai invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Fathers Necklace. Lloyd Irving grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Yuan Ka-fai realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Fathers Necklace and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Lloyd Irving took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), he had take at least nine minutes before Lloyd Irving would get there. But if he took the Rheiard? Then Yuan Ka-fai would be scarcely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Yuan Ka-fai was interrupted by seven oafish Noishes that were lured by his Fathers Necklace. Yuan Ka-fai grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he carefully reached for his dull pencil and aptly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent-the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Rheiard rolling up. It was Lloyd Irving.

-o0o-

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Lloyd Irving was out of the Rheiard and went wildly jaunting toward Yuan Ka-fai's front door. Meanwhile inside, Yuan Ka-fai was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Fathers Necklace into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind his whale. Yuan Ka-fai was relieved but at least the Fathers Necklace was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Yuan Ka-fai flamboyantly purred. With a calculated push, Lloyd Irving opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless coke fiend in a tricked out go kart,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Yuan Ka-fai assured him. Lloyd Irving took a seat excruciatingly close to where Yuan Ka-fai had hidden the Fathers Necklace. Yuan Ka-fai sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Lloyd Irving was distracted. Ever so extemperaneously, Yuan Ka-fai noticed a annoying look on Lloyd Irving's face. Lloyd Irving slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Yuan Ka-fai felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Lloyd Irving asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Fathers Necklace right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Lloyd Irving's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Lloyd Irving nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Yuan Ka-fai could react, Lloyd Irving aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The Fathers Necklace was plainly in view.

Lloyd Irving stared at Yuan Ka-fai for what what must've been three millseconds. Before anyone could take off their pants, Yuan Ka-fai groped sassily in Lloyd Irving's direction, clearly desperate. Lloyd Irving grabbed the Fathers Necklace and bolted for the door. It was locked. Yuan Ka-fai let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Lloyd Irving,' he rebuked. Yuan Ka-fai always had been a little selfish, so Lloyd Irving knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Yuan Ka-fai did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at him or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he gripped his Fathers Necklace tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Yuan Ka-fai looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Lloyd Irving. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Lloyd Irving. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Yuan Ka-fai walked over to the window and looked down. Lloyd Irving was gone.

-o0o-

Just yonder, Lloyd Irving was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Yuan Ka-fai's place. Lloyd Irving had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Noishes suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Fathers Necklace. One by one they latched on to Lloyd Irving. Already weakened from his injury, Lloyd Irving yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Noishes running off with his Fathers Necklace.

But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Lloyd Irving's Fathers Necklace. Feeling pleased, God smote the Noishes for their injustice. Then He got in His curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala) and darted away with the fortitude of 200,000 Indonesian devil cats running from a enormous pack of albino cats. Lloyd Irving flipped with joy when he saw this. His Fathers Necklace was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes his favorite TV show, Justin Beiber TV, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When long-haired sea monkeys meet bloody glove'). Lloyd Irving was ecstatic. And so, everyone except Yuan Ka-fai and a few bloody glove-toting man-eating capybaras lived blissfully happy, forever after.