YOU ALL DROVE ME TO THIS. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

I swaggered into the cafe because I am the biggest badass around and everybody better know it. "'Sup, bitches?" There was a momentary pause in the conversation as the customers all stopped to genuflect at my feet. I am so amazing. "I feel like some coffee." I sat down at the closest table, kicking a puppy or three along the way.

Conveniently, my best friend that I mercilessly mock and harass constantly, Kazuto, was sitting there too. "Yo," he said. I gave him the finger because I am the guy you love to hate - in other words, an edgy protagonist in all the worst ways. "Cool." Kazuto was a man that lived by the phrase 'Speak quietly and carry a big fuck-off sword'.

Also sitting at the table was a man with glasses just like mine, the copying bastard. "Nick, Kazuto, so nice of you to join me," Seijirou Kikuoka said, adjusting his glasses. Somehow, that made them reflect the light, and he laced his fingers in front of him. "And, pose." What a copyright-infringing bastard.

I put my feet on the table and, being the all-hating thing that I am, glared around at everyone impartially. "Don't say anything: two people from a video game I've never heard of are dead and you want us to go in and take a look. We'll probably meet someone with past trauma dealing with guns and help them get over it while figuring out what happened."

Kikuoka gasped. "Wow, how did you know that? That's exactly what I was going to say."

"I'm psychic."

He nodded. "That is fair. Alright, since I love cake, I'm going to steal yours and eat it." He proceeded to do so.

Kazuto frowned. "Cake?"

I smacked him in the back of the head. "The asshole over there just ate it, dumbass. Keep up."

"Sorry."

I glanced at Kikuoka. "When did I even order cake?" He shrugged and I stood up. "Whatever, I'm leaving. Bye."

TIME SKIP!

I wandered through the park with my girlfriend, Argo. "So how are we still together again?" I asked her. "Our relationship is all take and no give."

Argo looked at me. "I'm a masochist, obviously." She shrugged. "Being in an abusive relationship turns me on. Besides..." she poked my side and I twitched. "It's not all take and no give. You give me plenty of entertainment. I like watching your pain and suffering."

"So you're a sadist too?" I said. "Wow, small world. Me too."

"No wonder we get along so well."

I hugged her. "I love you, Argo."

"I love you, Rythin," Argo replied.

TIME SKIP! (a/n you should read that in a really deep announcer's voice)

"Link Start!" I announced to the air. I was lying in a hospital bed, next to Kazuto. The same bed, too, because two guys sleeping together shirtless was so bloody hot. At least, that's what the nurse said, and I believed her.

The AmuSphere turned on and I dove into the world of Gun Gale Online. The first thing my eyes saw was an animated girl waving a gigantic gun around. "Welcome to Gun Gale Online!" it said in a sultry voice. "You're going to become a bloodthirsty, sharpshooting bastard in no time! Ready to go? Your appearance will be chosen at random, and there's probably no chance you'll turn out looking really feminine. Really, none at all. Like, a million to one. If that."

I nodded. "That seems legit. Cool." Then I was randomly in a spawning area. I found a mirror and, being the vain prick I am, I took a look. "Hot damn I am a sexy motherfucker."

"Stop looking at yourself and let's get going," Kirito's voice snapped. Because I think of them as two different people because he acts like two different people. It's one of those weird things where his personality in the game is him being a super jackass, even bigger than me half the time. Jeez, what a prick. I turned to look at him and burst out laughing - he looked like a girl. "Shut the fuck up, asshole."

I rolled my eyes. "Bite me." Then he did. "Ow! Mother fuck that hurts! Except it doesn't hurt at all."

We wandered outside and immediately ran into a girl with blue hair. "Oof..." she muttered. "Sorry about that, you two."

"Bitches best watch where they step," Kirito muttered under his breath. Then he raised his voice and spoke in a really feminine tone. "Could you maybe show us around a bit, please?" He did that little flirty thing where the girl cocks their head, trying to play coy. I think he learned it from Asuna.

I nodded. "We don't really know where we're going, Sinon, and we'd really like to sign up for the tournament."

"I'm actua... w-wait, what?" Sinon stuttered. "How do you know my name?"

"I'm psychic."

Sinon just stared at me, not saying anything at all. Then, finally, "The market is over that way. Go buy some equipment and then you can sign up. Here, I'll show you the way." She turned carefully, not trusting her back to us, probably because she wasn't sure we weren't insane - I was, but that's something completely unrelated - and led us to the market. "If you don't have any money, you should play the Untouchable! game," she said. "It's rigged and unfair, but it's the best way to earn money without fighting if you can make it far enough."

I tried it out; I took a step forward and then teleported to the other side of the arena and touched the gunman that was about to shoot because my special predictive powers let me move at supersonic speeds. Confetti showered over me and I won a lot of money, too much to even count. It wasn't really that much, though.

Sinon gaped at me. "Wh-what the hell was that?" Ooh, precision f-strike. Nice.

"I'm psychic."

She frowned in confusion. "That doesn't even..."

"I'm psychic," I repeated. "And my psychic senses are telling me to buy a knife." So I did that. Yay, stabby stabby!

Next, Sinon led us to the tournament sign-ins. Since there were only two places to sign in, Kirito and Sinon went first. I stood back to give them their privacy, and I heard someone talking to themselves. "Aw yeah, baby, fill out those address forms." I looked around but I couldn't see anything. "Mm, the way you type your address gets me all hot and bothered..."

"Death Gun, I presume?" I asked to the empty air.

Then a dude appeared in front of me, wearing a mask with glowing red eyes. "How'd you know I was here?" Obviously, he was very stupid.

"I'm psychic."

He laughed. "Wow, cool. What's my future?"

"I'm going to kill you." I was joking, of course, naturally. Of course.

Death Gun laughed, taking my joke at face value. "Cool. So, yeah, I'm Death Gun." He pulled out his gun and pointed it at me. "If I shoot you with this, you'll die."

"And that's the way it should be." I nodded. "You taking applications?"

"You want in?"

I blinked. "Fuck yeah I want in. Murdering people for free? Sounds like fun."

"Awright!" Death Gun seemed really excited that I was just as murderous as he was. "My name's [SPOILERS]." He spelled it for me. "I'll send you a message later on."

I raised an eyebrow. "So how do we go about killing people in the first place anyway?"

"[MORE SPOILERS]. Real high-tech and kinda untraceable."

"How do you know where to find them?"

"[WHOOPS THAT'S SPOILERS TOO]"

I nodded. "So who else is involved in this?"

"[PLEASE SPOILERS NO]." He was kinda stupid, wasn't he? He leaned forward. "Hey, wanna know something cool?"

"What?"

"[OH HOLY FUCK SPOILERS]. Pretty neat, huh?"

I nodded. "Hey, I was in SAO too. My name's Rythin."

"Rythin?" His face fell. "Fuck." Everyone knew who I was because I'm the protagonist, motherfuckers.

Then I shot him in the face with a gun I totally bought earlier but didn't mention, logged out, and told Kikuoka everything.

THE END.

THERE. HAPPY NOW?

…

…

…

Did you know it's harder than it seems to write something this bad in a way that's not actually terrible? Basically, I just super-exaggerated the characters until they were barely recognizable; with the exception of Sinon, just so that I had one character that was slightly normal.

All right, happy April Fool's day. Yeah, woo, happy times. And don't worry, this isn't the real Nightblade III.

But for the love of the gods, STOP ASKING ME ABOUT IT. FUCKING HELL. I KNOW. STOP ASKING FOR A DATE WHEN IT WILL BE RELEASED. It'll come out when it's good and ready.