Written: January 2009
Disclaimer: Come back when I do something canon and we'll talk.
Author's note: Thank you for being so hard on me, Kitty.
Dedication: Alanis Morisette, for the inspiration.
Dear Hattori-kun,
I'm so sorry. I didn't really have any right to do what I did. I'm sorry to you and to Kazuha-chan, even though you said you don't like her that way. She'd still stop being my friend if she knew what I did, or at least, thought that I didn't feel guilty. When you didn't say anything, I knew I'd gone wrong. But before you even got on the train, I missed you. You didn't really give me a chance to not have to write all this.
I think you should know why. You can pretend you didn't read this afterwards, and I'll pretend too (even that we didn't kiss). So, with that, we're still friends, right? With that, everything's okay. Just like it always is. You don't have to read the rest, and you don't even have to get involved in whatever this is any further than I've dragged you.
Sonoko and I go to Shinichi's house at least once a month to clean now. Sometimes Conan-kun comes with, but he usually ends up sitting around reading old notebooks or something. I'm the only one allowed to clean Shinichi's room, apparently. He probably didn't think it would be this long before he came back; I'm sure the rule is different now.
He was always saying he had something to tell me. Ever since the very first day I met you, he said he needed to tell me something. It could never be over the phone, apparently. I could only ever think of one thing he wanted to say that didn't seem completely outrageous, and I guess I was right.
The first time I went to Shinichi's without him there, I went to clean alone. Silly mistake, considering the size of the house. It made me feel so much more tangibly how alone I really was. As I cleaned the shower, I realized that at least I was in his house. At least I was in his shower. And I spun around because I was so happy because maybe there was a flicker of a possibility that he trusts me more than just a helpful friend.
A few months later, Sonoko saw a picture of the two of us on his desk which made me feel like I was still special. That was when Shinichi said that only I could be in his room. Eventually I started looking through his CDs and tapes. Now we play them on the expensive stereos when we go to clean. They're not being used anyway, and I have a feeling it wakes to old house up, if only for an afternoon at a time.
This is your last chance to stop reading, Hattori-kun. I don't want you to worry, but if I'm lucky to enough to keep your friendship, you deserve an explanation if you ever wanted one.
On Shinichi's desk last month was a note from a girl to "Kudou-kun." He's in the habit of throwing his fan mail away if he doesn't know the sender. Which means it wasn't fan mail. It didn't have an envelope, unless Shinichi took it with him. And the simple fact that it was sitting out and opened meant that he was there within the last month. In Tokyo and he didn't tell me. I feel sick for feeling so sad about this. For thinking that I deserve better. Now I know what he's been wanting to tell me.
I wish he'd get it over with. When he does show up, all the anger I have for him melts away, and I'd afraid that it will next time I see him. But I want to stay mad. I want to stop loving him so it'll be easier to push him away. He would have stopped by if he cared enough to let me go gently. Or told me some incredible truth that I've gotten myself ready to believe over the past year.
I'm not just lonely. I might have kissed you even if I hadn't found the note, but it was the final push. I didn't do it to get back at Shinichi. Or even because of Shinichi. I wanted to tell you all of that to make myself feel better. I really do like you, Hattori-kun. When we first met you, I thought that you and Shinichi were so similar. At first I loved how much like him you were. Then I realized how much I enjoyed each difference I discovered between the two of you.
You've been holding doors open for me and asking how I'm doing, such simple, warm things that no one else has thought to do. You've been acting more and more like a proper boyfriend every time I see you. I've never had one, at least not one that was more than an admirer, so maybe I wouldn't know. But no one's ever treated me so specially and made me feel so healthy and fixed. No one's ever listened so much and actually registered what I'm saying. I would hate for this to all be out of pity. Then you would be too kind a person for me to stand.
You are smart, you know. I know you don't want to think so compared to Shinichi, or even sometimes your father, but you are probably the single smartest person I know if only for that warmth I said you have. Every other detective seems so cold, and even most people aren't as human as you. You're so much braver because of that, even though everyone thinks it's recklessness or a bad temper. But I think I understand at least a little because I'd like to think that I'm a warm person too.
I hope that I like you because of my own reasons. I hope I didn't kiss you because I feel betrayed or just because you're such a nice person. Or because I'm lonely. But if you want to believe that I did, you might be right anyway.
I told you so you can stop. You can stop coming to see us if you want, and that's all right. Or you can stay our friend and pretend nothing happened. I won't be hurt. The last and most drastic alternative might be a bit silly to imagine on my part.
Don't feel pressured, I'll still be happy being your friend no matter what you say or do. I already feel guilty having written all this. You don't need to worry about me any more than you already do. I'm still not sure if I'm going to give this to you or not. I'm not strong enough to say so many things out loud. We'll see, I guess.
Your friend,
Ran