This is the oneshot "Signed: From" contest that The Kazekage of Suna is having!

(And also please don't hurt me I know I haven't updated but I had test prep and ok now I'll stop with the excuses)

This is Konan's diary.

The whole thing about Konan planning to distract Kankuro is the beautiful idea of The Kazekage *pauses to offer gratitude*

The Kazekage's diaries explain much about Kankuro's personality, and as such and with permission, I draw upon them.

August 15

I have decided that each and every single Akatsuki member is an asshole.

Except maybe the pet turtle.

I don't even know what the heck happened but next thing I knew Tobi and Zetsu had brought a turtle home and insisted on keeping it and calling it Antonio.

So far it's survived, but every time I look at it it seems to want to crawl into it's shell and hide itself from the outside world until we all die.

I swear the only reason it comes out is for food.

Which is my job.

As is cleaning up after it and ensuring that Antonio does not fall prey to any of the other ninjas.

Unfortunately that is just one of my many jobs, which brings me back to me point about how the Akatsuki members are assholes.

I seem to have taken on the role of cooking and cleaning.

Cleaning is irritating, because no matter who you are, cleaning up after Hidan is not a nice experience.

Neither is Tobi.

How he managed to bring down his half of the ceiling in his roof with just glitter glue is completely beyond me.

And Zetsu leaves fertilizer everywhere (I don't dare to ask.)

But cooking is a completely different matter.

I don't care if it's a joke, if Hidan tells me to make him a "sammich" I will take his scythe and chop out his innards and serve that to him as his very own sammich.

Unfortunately I have no helpers as well.

After the Shark Fin Soup Debacle a few years back (as well as various other incidents) Itachi has been banned from the kitchen.

Tobi loves to help but all his attempts end up as rainbow-colored, magic-mushroom shaped cupcakes that probably to act like magic mushrooms.

I am also apparently Peins' personal caretaker.

All seven of them.

I don't even know why.

Why the hell would Nagato need to keep six bodies running all day every day anyways.

(Personally, I think all those chakra rods fried his brain.)

Based on this knowledge, I am considering an alternate home.

I'm thinking about Suna because the Kazekage's brother seems rather single-minded. He seems to be obsessed with two things: puppets and women (I'm waiting for him to combine the two).

Given that I am a woman, I think I might be able to sneak in and live in Suna safely by distracting the brother with Sasori's secret puppet scrolls and my womanly charms.

(And shut up Nagato, I have womanly charms.)

The more I observe the more likely it seems.

I will attempt this tomorrow.

Now everyone will making their own "sammiches".

Hasta la fucking vista, bitches.

Signed,

Your Unwilling Housewife

(who will soon be free)