I own nothing: Characters belong to Matt Stone and Trey Parker and Comedy Central.
"Kev, dude, calm down."
It's weird when your brother, who, aside from being four years older than you, usually doesn't seem capable of stringing more than four short words together to make a sentence, is dancing around your shabby excuse for a living room, chattering at one hundred miles an hour about how he's gonna ask his fabulously violent and short-tempered girlfriend to marry him, despite the fact that he's only just turned nineteen.
"I don't wanna calm down!!"
Kevin envelops me in a hug that knocks the air out of my lungs and continues to waltz me around the living room, all the time laughing manically and gibbering about how awesome being married to Shelley will be. Considering he hasn't even popped the question to her yet, it's kind of jumping the gun, but since they've been dating on and off since they were 13, it's pretty obvious what the answer will be. Also, anything but the word which is three letters long, begins with "y" and ends with "s" as an answer to a proposal in this redneck mountain town would surely be the cause of the next mob-gathering (hey, it's been over three days since the last time they got the opportunity to wield their torches: something has to happen soon, otherwise there may even be an international incident).
Since Kevin doesn't seem to be capable of acting remotely sane in the next ten minutes, I wait until Karen comes home from that weird kid, Dougie's house and then head to my room, where Kristin Queen's rocking tits are mine to stare at. I can still hear my brother's inane ramblings, so I put Nirvana on. Loud.
The hole in my roof (which has been there since I was three) means that everyone else in South Park can probably hear it, but who cares? The only people who are close enough to be bothered by it are Stan's family (who won't care anyway) and that weird mean old lady who lives down the street.
She hates everyone: Jews, Mexicans, Blacks, Sikhs, Hindus, Children, Teenagers, Muslims, Alcoholics, Catholics, Mormons, Irish …basically everyone in this town, especially us. That woman would take the breath from a dying child. Actually she did once. I was in hospital and so was she. Since our hospital is kind of crappy, they only had enough oxygen for one patient. They gave it to me, but she unplugged the respirator and used it for herself. I was dying of a lung collapse. She had a sprained ankle. It's a pleasure to annoy her, so my family and I do so very regularly. It's a strange way to bond as a family, but it works.
As I listen to the music, I think about stuff. Stuff like the fact that if Shelley does say yes to Kevin, me and Stan will be Brothers in law. Which is typical of this town, but somehow annoying.
Just then, my CD player decides to blow up in my face, literally. So I die. And when I come back, Kevin is sitting on the couch, hugging my mom with tears streaming down his face. Kevin never cries, not ever.
"C'mon, Kevin, honey. Stop crying. You know she ain't worth it."
Kevin shakes his head and when he speaks, his voice keeps shaking "I love her mom. Like you love Dad. So why did she leave me?"
Where is Dad anyway?
Karen sees me looking and comes over to me "Shelley dumped him. For that Skyler dude. Skyler asked her to marry him. She said yes."
Kevin's voice sounds stronger now "I'll get her back. I don't care what I have to do. I'll do anything for her."
Something tells me that my life just got a whole lot more messed up…