A Night To Remember
Summary:
Lucius Malfoy is hosting a lavish valentines ball.
Disclaimer:
I don't own Harry Potter. Period.
Warnings:
Language, gays and lavish parties.
A/N:
This is a response to Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen's challenge. This is my first challenge fic so please be nice. I hope you enjoy it. And remember, reviews are highly appreciated.
Dear Wizarding World,
You are invited to a lavish valentines ball at Malfoy Manor from 8 till late on the 14th February.
There will be food. There will be music. There will be drink. But most importantly, there will be a wide selection of hilariously fun party games for your amusement!
Please respond at the earliest convenience.
Yours sincerely,
Lucius Malfoy.
P.S Bring gifts.
"Lucius darling have you issued the invitations?" Narcissa Malfoy called from the dining room.
"Yes dear, I had Cornelius send them out last week … is everything in place in the hall?" Lucius replied as he glided down the spiral staircase and into the entrance hall at Malfoy Manor, admiring his pink suspenders in the large golden mirrors that lined the mahogany clad walls as he went, "Do you think these look alright for the party this evening?" he asked as his wife emerged from the dining room, her hair tied back into a tight bun, a pair of square spectacles perched on her nose and a clip board held purposefully in her arm, indicating his pink heels.
"Wonderful darling" she said absent-mindedly, "Listen, I still need to get everything set-up in the garden and the elves are putting up the hall lights as we speak. Now," she said, as she examined her husband fully, "We need to review our outfits. You know it's crucial that we look presentable at this party, we don't want a repeat of last time now do we?" she asked, looking stern.
Lucius sighed, placing a well-manicured hand on his hip, "Darling, that was simply a misunderstanding, it could've happened to anyone-"
"Lucius she was wearing the same outfit as you! It was embarrassing!" Narcissa exclaimed, "Now tonight we are going to look classy. Full stop. Alright?"
"Fine" Lucius sighed, "I'll wear the purple corset"
"Good" Narcissa smiled, "Now about the guest list, have you seen it?"
"Oh, I think I left it on the nightstand, listen you haven't seen Draco anywhere have you? I need to go over things for tonight"
"Oh yes," Narcissa said, checking off her clipboard, "He was out in the garden with Harry"
Lucius whipped around, "What?" he hissed, "I thought I told you not to let those two alone!" he exclaimed, shocked.
"Oh stop being such a drama queen" Narcissa rolled her eyes, "He's at perfect liberty to do what he wants" she smirked, "Don't you remember when we were young?"
Lucius' eyes widened, "Its not same" he said, shaking his head free of the thought.
Narcissa shrugged, "Speak for yourself" she smiled as her husband turned to walk away, "And I think you should wear the blue corset tonight," she called after him, "I think it'll go better with the décor. We don't want you fading into the walls now do we?" she smirked.
"I can't believe you made me come here," Arthur Weasley hissed as he and his wife walked arm in arm into the main hall of Malfoy manor, Ginny at their side.
"The children wanted to come" Molly insisted as they made their way through to the entertainment hall, "Oh isn't it fancy!" she exclaimed as they moved into a dimly lit room. The walls were painted deep pink and draped with long red velvet hangings. Tables covered in food and alcohol lined the walls and smaller round candlelit tables stood around a large open space. The floor was white marble and glittered pink and red from the light of the hundreds of fairies that danced overhead. Sparkling confetti fell gracefully from the swirling ceiling and a long stage stood at the front of the hall, where a band stood playing a loud upbeat song.
Arthur sighed and rubbed his eyes wearily as Molly smiled and wiggled her hips to the song. "Oh come on Arthur" she smiled, kissing him on the cheek, "What's the worst that could happen?" she laughed, just as Lord Voldemort walked into the room, "Ah Lucius" he greeted his host happily, with a friendly hug.
Molly's smile quickly faded, "Ah" she said.
"Ah … Potter" Lucius Malfoy greeted somewhat unenthusiastically as Harry Potter took his son by the hand into the room. Draco giggled as he followed his boyfriend. Hermione and Ron followed closely afterwards, not looking very pleased to be there. "Granger, Weasel-ahem-Weasley I mean" Lucius said as Harry's friends followed him into the hall.
"Malfoy" they nodded back.
Lucius snarled slightly to himself as he watched his son's boyfriend and friends take seats around the dance floor.
"Hello Lucius!" called a voice from nearby.
"Ah Dumbledore" Lucius exclaimed, relieved to see a new arrival, "So wonderful to see you- What in Merlin's name are you wearing you weird old man?" Lucius shouted as Dumbledore emerged in the doorway dressed in a tight red corset and leather miniskirt.
Dumbledore looked hurt, "Don't you like it?" he asked, cracking his whip and slicking back his long white hair. "I think I look rather dashing. Besides I thought you told me to dress up a bit"
"I said to dress 'smart' you stupid fool, not 'like a tart'!" Lucius cried, "Get out of those this instant!"
Dumbledore pouted and straightened his half-moon spectacles, "No" he said stubbornly, "Your just jealous that I look better in tights than you" he jibed, eyeing his host's suspenders sceptically.
They continued to argue until a large figure appeared behind them.
"Ah, Hagrid" Dumbledore said as the axel grease coated half-giant came blubbing into the room. Dumbledore rolled his eyes, "Oh for Merlin's sake man, your not still crying about that stupid drink are you?" which made Hagrid wail even more.
"I was looking forward to that coffee all week!" Hagrid howled, blowing his nose on a large polka-dot handkerchief.
"Wha-What's going on?" Lucius asked his two unusually dressed guests wearily.
"Well" Hagrid began, sobbing intensely as he recalled the events of his day, "We were on our way to the party, right, when we decided to stop somewhere for a drink" he sobbed, wiping his eyes, "And so I suggested we go to Starbucks, right?" he hiccoughed as tears trickled through his beard, "And then … and then" he hesitated as he tried to calm himself down, "Dumbledore spilt my coffee!" he howled, rocking backwards and forwards.
"Is that it?" Lucius asked as Dumbledore nodded gravely, "Merlin man, get over it! It's just a coffee"
Hagrid gasped, "How dare you!" he exclaimed, looking scandalised, "That was not just a coffee! It was a double peppermint mocha thank you very much!"
Lucius nodded, "Right… yeah well if you'd just like to take a seat" he said indicating a table at the far end of the room as Hagrid and Dumbledore began arguing with each other.
"I didn't do it on purpose!" Dumbledore said, exasperated, "And I made it up to you! I bought you that mouse! I thought you loved him! What was it you named him, again? Terrance? Fred?"
Hagrid started crying again, "TED!" he cried, "I sat on him in the car!" he sobbed, "Oh Ted! He was the only person I've ever felt close to, you know! Oh Ted!"
Lucius shook his head and turned back to greet the rest of his guests. But when he turned around it was only to see Neville Longbottom and his grandmother standing awkwardly in the doorway.
Lucius grimaced at the pair of them, then sighed, "Very well" he said regretfully, "Get in quickly before somebody sees" he said, hurriedly trying to smuggle them in.
Augusta Longbottom gasped, "How dare you!" she cried, punching Lucius in the face.
Lucius screamed girlishly and fell to the floor, "What the hell was that for you crazy bitch?" he squealed.
"You should never address a guest in that impudent manner you rude man!" she said, brushing off her robes, straightening her stuffed vulture hat and striding into the room, Neville trailing nervously behind her.
Lucius groaned on the floor.
"Interesting position Lucius" smirked a voice from the entrance hall.
"Severus" Lucius replied happily, as his friend helped him to his feet, "Glad you could make it"
"Well I didn't have anything better to do, so I thought I might have a bit of fun on my night off. Is Big V here?" Snape asked, looking around the room and wincing slightly as his eyes fell upon Harry and Draco making out at their candlelit table.
"Voldemort?" Lucius replied, "Yes, he's over there with Bellatrix" he said, pointing to the corner where Voldemort and Bellatrix sat laughing and flirting with each other.
Snape's face went suddenly blank. "Actually I think I might just get a drink, excuse me" he said, hastily walking over to the drinks table as Lucius turned back to the door. He helped himself to a large measure of firewhisky and downed it in one, smacking his lips, "It's going to be a fun party," he muttered to himself, pouring another glass of firewhisky.
A slow droning song began playing and a few couples got up to dance. Molly Weasley sat drumming her fingers on the tablecloth and sighed as her husband immersed himself in a long dull conversation with Remus Lupin.
Nymphadora Tonks sat opposite, equally as bored and obviously just trying to make it through the evening alive. She smiled weakly at Molly from across the table. Just then Dolores Umbridge sat down beside her and squealed excitedly.
"Nymphadora!" she shrieked, hugging the pink-haired Auror and giving her a wide slack grin, "How are you my dear?"
"Dolores" Tonks said, looking weary, "I'm fine" she said, "How are you?"
"Oh I'm quite well!" Umbridge said happily, pinching Tonks' cheek. Tonks smiled painfully. "But enough about me" Umbridge smiled, "Lets talk about you" she said, shifting cheerfully in her seat, "How about…?" she grinned cheekily as she indicated Lupin. She lowered her voice "This gorgeous man?"
Tonks looked uncomfortable, then said simply "Well, we're together"
"OH!" Dolores exclaimed enthusiastically, clapping her hands together, "Tell me everything!" she squealed, taking a sip of wine.
Tonks looked rather scared, "Actually, I'd really rather not-"
"Oh nonsense!" Dolores waved a hand, "Always so modest. Now come on my dear. Spill. What's your favourite sexual position?"
Tonks stared at her in horror.
"Hi Blaise" Pansy Parkinson said seductively, rubbing herself against her target as he stared over in the other direction, "I saw you checking me out over by the stage" she whispered in his ear.
"Look Pansy" Blaise Zabini said distractedly as he tried to push her aside, "This really isn't a good time alright?" he said as he watched Ginny Weasley get up from her table and take to the dance floor with her friends.
Pansy sighed and pulled Blaise towards her, "Now come on Blaise" she said, smiling as she slid her tongue into his ear, "Lets go somewhere more private" she whispered.
"No thanks" Blaise replied casually, pushing her away, "Why don't you go flirt with someone else for a while yeah?" he suggested.
"But I want to flirt with you!" Pansy whined, "Come on, just a quick snog"
Blaise Zabini hurried past Bellatrix and Voldemort's table, looking nervously over his shoulder as Pansy ran after him as fast as she could in her six-inch heels.
"But Blaise, it'll be fun!" Pansy moaned.
"Get away from me, you crazy bint!" came the reply.
Pansy winced and carried on running.
Bellatrix and Voldemort exchanged looks.
"Kids these days" Bellatrix smiled, helping herself to more wine. She glanced over at her master, who was resting his chin on his hand and staring dreamily across the room, "What's up with you?" she asked, topping up his glass.
"Merlin, she's beautiful" Voldemort sighed.
Bellatrix laughed, "Who?" she asked, trying to follow her master's gaze.
"That woman" Voldemort said, "With hair that flows like a waterfall and skin as white as snow" he sighed, "The one with the nervous twitchy looking boy … She's wonderful" Voldemort sighed.
"Augusta Longbottom?" Bellatrix replied incredulously.
"Augusta" Voldemort smiled, "What a beautiful name"
"Well go talk to her" Bellatrix said.
Voldemort looked suddenly scared, "Oh no I couldn't!" he said, shaking his head, "What would I say? What if she rejected me? Oh no I couldn't possibly!"
Bellatrix laughed, "I never thought I'd see the day. The dark lord insecure about girls! I need a picture off this!" she smiled, pulling out a camera and snapping Voldemort's annoyed expression.
Voldemort looked irritable, "Yes, well now you've got that out of the way, could we please address the problem at hand here?"
"Well that's simple" Bellatrix said, shrugging, "Know any good pick-up lines?"
Hermione sighed, "Well this sucks" she said.
Ron nodded.
"So," she said, "What do you wanna do?"
Ron shrugged.
Hermione rolled her eyes. She turned to look at Harry and Draco, who were wrapped tightly around each other in a chair. Hermione sighed again.
"Hey check this out" Ron smiled, indicating one of the tables. It was covered in variety of different fruits and a blender; "You can make your own smoothies" he laughed, "Jeez they've got it all here, haven't they"
Hermione smiled and examined all the fruit, "Ooh blackberries" she said excitedly.
Ron smiled, "Wanna make a smoothie?" he asked, throwing a few blackberries into the blender and grabbing a few more random fruits.
Hermione nodded, "Ew blackberry and banana?" she said as Ron grabbed the long yellow fruit, "Gross"
Ron smiled, "Aright then, how about some … ah, tomatoes?"
Hermione laughed, "I like your taste" she joked, as she picked up a kiwi, an apple and a few chunks of watermelon.
"Lets not forget the key ingredient" Ron pointed out, pouring a large amount of firewhisky into the blender.
"Ron!" Hermione exclaimed in shock, but she was smiling.
Molly chuckled quietly to herself as Delores continued to interrogate her victim. Poor Tonks she thought to herself as the intense personal questions persisted. Arthur continued to discuss the importance of plugs with Lupin, which left Molly alone to mull over her thoughts.
"Hello Molly" said a suggestive voice from over her shoulder.
Molly turned quickly to see Cornelius Fudge slide slowly into the chair beside her. "So how are you my dear?" he said in a bizarre voice, leaning towards her.
"Uhh I-I'm quite all right thank you" she said, looking at Fudge uncertainly. He was staring at her dreamily, a slight twinkle in his eyes. Molly was rather frightened.
"You're looking very pretty tonight Molly" he said quietly.
"How do you even know my name?"
"Now, now Molly don't play hard to get, I saw you looking at me" he said smirking, stroking his lime green bowler hat.
Molly simply stared at him in revulsion.
Tonks giggled from across the table.
The party progressed without too many events. And Harry and Draco were left to make out in peace.
"Oh Harry" Draco giggled, "Lets go somewhere more … private" he whispered, slipping a hand under Harry's shirt.
"I'm not so sure daddy would approve" Harry smirked, kissing his boyfriend on the lips.
Draco gave his boyfriend a stern look, "Come on" he whispered, taking Harry by the hand and dragging him out of the room just as Lucius began a game of musical chairs. They sneaked up the staircase to the upper floor and poked their heads around one of the doors.
"EWWWWWW!" Draco screamed, "Get off my bed you dirty old man!" He yelled as a half naked Argus Filch and Minerva McGonagall shouted at the two boys to get out.
"Urgh!" Draco shuddered as he slammed the door on them.
They moved along the hall, picking their way over a series of snogging couples that lined the upstairs corridor until they reached the master bedroom. Giggling to themselves they hurried inside and locked the door.
As soon as the door clicked shut Draco pounced on his boyfriend and steered him onto the king-sized, Egyptian cotton draped, green and silver four-poster bed. Rose petals covered the sheets. Draco clambered on top of his boyfriend and ripped open his shirt.
"Oh Harry," he moaned as they started to kiss passionately. He ran his hands seductively down Harry's chest and began to unbutton his trousers.
There was a sudden knock at the door and an angry voice sounded from outside.
"Shit" Harry threw Draco off of him and clambered off the bed but as he did he stumbled backwards and fell flat on the floor, spilling the Malfoys full bedpan over the carpet.
Draco squealed.
"Hey Severus!" Voldemort said, hurrying over to the drinks table, "Listen, I need your help"
Snape sighed, "What?"
Voldemort smirked, "Look, I think I might get lucky tonight"
Snape scowled in disgust, his heart sinking as he glanced over at Bellatrix who was huddled in the corner with Narcissa and her girlfriends. All of them laughing hysterically, swapping gossip, a glass of wine held in one hand and a cigarette in the other. "Well what does that have to do with me?" Snape asked.
Voldemort looked suddenly uncomfortable, "Well, that's the thing, you see I don't … um … I don't really know how to, well … you know … um, start it off. Is there anything you could do?"
Snape looked confused as he downed another shot of firewhisky, swaying slightly as he did, "Like what?"
"Well … maybe you could make some sort of … well I don't know … potion?"
Snape's eyes widened, "Like a love potion?"
"Yes" Voldemort said, relieved, "Yes exactly"
Snape looked away, an evil grin spreading slowly across his pallid face. "Yes" he said happily, "Yes I don't think that should cause too much trouble" he smirked.
Hermione hiccoughed, swaying over her seat. A large selection of vile alcoholic smoothies set out in front of her.
Ron laughed at her, taking another sip of smoothie. "Well this is fun" Ron giggled, licking his lips.
Hermione suddenly let out a high shriek of laughter as she looked at her best friend. His face was smothered in a sickening purple liquid.
Ron smiled, "What?"
"You've … uh … you've got a little something" she giggled leaning forwards, trailing a finger down Ron's face and sucking on it. Licking off the smoothie.
Ron looked down into her eyes. They gazed at each other for a moment. Until …
Hermione burped.
They both laughed.
"Uh hi Ginny" Blaise said awkwardly to the young Weasley girl as she left the hall to use the bathroom, stepping out from behind a coat rack.
"Hi" she said nervously.
"Would you?" he asked, taking her hand and leading her behind the coats, "So … uh … I saw you tonight"
Ginny looked up at him shyly, "Did you?" she asked innocently.
"Yeah" he replied, moving forward a little, "Dancing" he said quietly, reaching for her hand, "You looked nice"
Ginny smiled, a blush creeping up her cheeks.
"Blaise leaned forwards slowly, closing his eyes as Ginny's lips touched his own.
"Oh Blaise!" called a voice from the doorway, "Where are you?"
They quickly broke apart.
"Who's that?" Ginny asked.
"Uh" Blaise said nervously.
"Blaise I brought the-" Pansy began but gasped as she saw Ginny and Blaise snuggled up to each other behind the coat rack, "Blaise!" she exclaimed in shock, "How could you?"
"What's going on?" Ginny asked as Blaise let her go and sheepishly put his hands in his pockets.
Pansy moved in between them, placing an arm around Blaise's waist and looking smug. "You know," she said, pulling a small tub from her pocket, "I can tie one of these into a knot, using just my tongue" she said proudly, holding up a large glistening red cherry and stroking Blaise's face, with one of her long red nails.
Ginny stared at Blaise, who simply tried to look apologetic. She turned back to Pansy, looking unimpressed, "So can I" she said.
Pansy raised her eyebrows, "Oh really?"
"Oh yeah!"
"Oh really!"
"Oh yeah!"
"Prove it!"
"Bring it on bitch!" Ginny shouted, taking a cherry and placing it in her mouth.
Snape hurried into the Malfoys bathroom and locked the door, a personal potion making kit held under his arm. He kneeled on the floor and opened the case.
Five minutes later, a deep pink mist filled the bathroom as a cauldron bubbled menacingly over a burning fire.
"Pinch of jasmine" Snape smirked, "Essence of rose" he said, sprinkling a drop of red liquid into the brew, "Daffodil roots" the chunks dropped with a splash into the swirling mixture, "And just a hint … of grinded bird feather" Snape laughed, "Oops what was that I just accidentally dropped into the potion, oh that's it, it was a trickle of hogs blood. Oops-a-daisy, ah well Voldemort won't mind running away from an overly obsessive scary broad all night now will he?" Snape sneered to himself, laughing evilly. His cackle growing louder, louder, louder until…
"Hey shut up in there!" someone called from outside, "Would you hurry up I need a crap!"
"Sorry" Snape called, hastily packing up his ingredients and walking out the bathroom with a small glass bottle held proudly in his hands. A long line of annoyed people waiting to use the toilet greeted him outside.
"It smells a bit fruity in here, what were you doing exactly?" an irritated woman asked as Snape streaked off downstairs and into the main hall.
"Hey Big V!" he called happily as he entered the room.
Voldemort hurried over, "Did you make it?" he whispered.
Snape discreetly handed him the potion, "Make sure you're nearby when she drinks it because she will fall deeply in love with the first person she sees," he said in a low fast voice.
"And you're sure she will find me irresistible?"
"Oh yes" Snape smiled, "You won't believe the difference"
"Thanks" Voldemort said, patting him on the shoulder, "This will be greatly rewarded"
"Happy I could help" Snape grinned malevolently, practically skipping over to the drinks table.
"Hey! Hey you!" Voldemort hissed to one of the men dressed in long green waiter cloaks, a silver platter held on each hand.
Fred and George: "How can I help you sir?"
"Take this" Voldemort whispered to them, handing Fred the potion, "And put it in Longbottom's drink"
George: "Absolutely sir"
Fred: "Whatever you say"
They walked away.
"What is it?" George asked.
"Dunno, but he said to put it in Neville's drink" Fred said, examining the bottle suspiciously.
They both shrugged.
Umbridge had been drinking steadily for the past three hours. And she was getting quite excitable now.
Tonks merely sat there, rocking backwards and forwards, banging her head on the table.
"Does he make you dress up?" Umbridge asked, downing the remains of another bottle of wine and winking saucily, "Have you experimented with anything yet? Whips? Chains? Ooh … whipped cream? I actually had quite an interesting experience with that one myself. We were on holiday in Wales when-"
"STOP!" Tonks screamed, taking Umbridge by surprise, "I don't care! I would really rather not discuss my personal life, alright? Especially not with an ugly slack faced old toad such as yourself! So please do me a favour and go and interrogate someone else because I have had ENOUGH!" Tonks yelled, her face flustered and her chest heaving.
An awkward silence stretched out between them.
Umbridge looked bemused "Well there's no need to get personal" she said indifferently, fluffing her hair.
"Alright folks!" Lucius called through his microphone. Two teams of bored Death Eaters, a giggling Dumbledore and a wailing Hagrid stood before him. Each team had one of their players standing on a chair, a pillow held nervously in front of them, "The object of the game is to tape your selected player to the wall using only the duct tape" Lucius said happily, "The team whose person sticks to the wall longest, wins!" he cried, "Let the game … begin!"
The two teams set to work instantly, holding their person up to the wall and smothering them with duct tape as they screamed in terror.
Voldemort was standing by the food table, chanting several breathing exercises to himself. Wormtail appeared at his side. "Alright, you know what to do?" Voldemort said nervously, handing Wormtail a large bag of gold.
Wormtail nodded and scurried off.
"You get this wrong" Voldemort whispered dangerously from behind him, "And you'll regret it!"
Wormtail gulped.
He moved nervously towards Augusta. Voldemort followed swiftly behind, observing his hairs in a pocket mirror.
Neville's grandmother simply stood, pleasantly watching the Death Eaters struggle to attach their terrified player to the wall, a sombre expression on her face.
Wormtail walked forwards and gazed into her face. She looked down at him in surprise.
"Damn" he said, "Those are the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen" he walked up to Voldemort, handed him the bag of gold and scurried away.
Augusta smiled at Voldemort.
"Hi" he said cheerfully.
"How do you do?" she replied, as he took her hand and bowed to her. She blushed and giggled.
"You know how they say, that the skin is the largest organ?" Voldemort said pleasantly, looking into Augusta's eyes.
She smiled, "Yes"
"Well" Voldemort smirked, "Not in my case"
Snape stood nervously sipping his firewhisky, watching Bellatrix intently over his glass. Neville sat quietly at his table, minding his own business, swaying in his chair as he listened to the band when suddenly, Fred and George Weasley slipped out of the shadows.
Fred: "Hello Neville"
George: "Is there anything we can get you?"
Fred: "Pasty?"
George: "Chicken wing?"
Fred: "Kebab?"
"Oh no I'm quite alright, thank you" Neville said nervously.
Fred: "Oh I say! What's that?" he said pointing into the corner.
Neville looked anxiously over his shoulder, "What's what?" he asked as George quickly uncorked the glass bottle that contained the steaming potion and poured it into his drink.
Fred: "Oh, not to worry, just a trick of the light" he said and the two moved swiftly away.
Neville looked after them, feeling slightly scared. He took a sip of his drink, glancing nervously over his shoulder. Snape was standing nearby. Neville shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He stared at Snape timidly, but his expression suddenly softened.
Snape glanced at Neville tensely, "What are you looking at?" he snapped, slurring slightly as he stirred his drink.
Neville gave him a big cheesy grin and got up from his chair.
"What are you doing?" Snape said nervously as Neville moved towards him, his arms outstretched. But Neville carried on walking until he was almost touching Snape, "Wha-What are you doing?" Snape repeated, moving fearfully away. Neville leaped forward, holding Snape in a tight embrace. Snape screamed. "Get off me you repulsive boy!" but Neville continued to cling to him.
"I love you Snape" he sighed, pouting and closing his eyes as he tried to lock his lips with the terrified potions master.
Snape screamed again.
"Oh Molly" Cornelius smiled warmly, "Do you want to dance?" he asked, standing up and offering her a hand.
"No, no, that's quite alright" she said, trying desperately to turn away.
"Ah come on now my dear" he swooped her up and held her close to him, "Lets dance!"
"I would very much appreciate it if you would put me down!" she hissed.
"Ah now Molly, don't talk like that! Lets have some fun" Cornelius laughed, leading her to the dance floor.
"Put me down this instant!"
But the ex-minister simply ignored her, humming happily along to the song that was now playing.
"LET ME GO!" Molly screamed, kneeing Cornelius between the legs.
He fell to the floor in pain, clutching himself.
Molly straightened up, brushed down her robes and strode proudly back to the table, a slight smirk on her lips.
Snape hid fearfully behind the statue of cupid that stood beside the stage, glancing nervously around the room looking for signs of Neville. Finding none, he sighed heavily and downed his glass of firewhisky.
"Whoop!" he shrieked, jiggling around the statue and bopping up and down, "Party!" he shouted, clapping his hands together and clambering up onto the stage, "Lets get this party started!" he shouted happily into the microphone dancing to the beat of the music. He stumbled up to one of the band members and whispered something in his ear.
The beat suddenly changed and Snape started dancing around on the stage, "Yo Lucius, get up here" he called, as he spotted Lucius on the dance floor. Lucius clambered onto the stage and the two began bopping simultaneously.
"Ice ice baby!" they both called together, "Whoo Ice ice baby!"
"All right stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
Dance go rush to the speaker that booms
I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it you better gain weight
You better hit bull's eye the kid don't play
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it" Snape rapped, as Lucius stroked his suspenders saucily.
"Ice ice baby vanilla" They sang together, "Ice ice baby vanilla"
"Come on Severus" Lucius said, wiggling his behind in Snape's direction, "Spank me"
"Whoo!" Snape shouted happily, slapping Lucius' ass and giggling, "Ice ice baby vanilla"
"Hey Ron! Come dance with me!" Hermione shouted from the middle of the room. Ron bounded happily up to her and the two began jumping up and down in the middle of the dance floor, their arms flailing wildly.
Snape rushed past, bursting out of the glass doors that led onto the balcony outside just as Lucius and his Death eaters began a game that simply required, two teams, two models, a large quantity of toilet paper and a bizarre imagination. He hurried over to a bush and threw up into the leaves.
He stumbled down the steps and wandered hopelessly through the darkness, the moonlight bouncing elegantly off of the tall sloping green lawns. Snape swayed over his firewhisky glass. He sighed and collapsed onto a nearby bench.
"What am I going to do?" he asked the darkness.
"Well it might help by actually telling her how you feel" it replied.
"What the-?" Snape said, looking around nervously for the mysterious voice. "Who said that?" he asked, looking all round him.
"Psst over here" it called. Snape moved nervously around to a tree and gazed into its depths. "A talking tree-branch?" he said incredulously.
"No you idiot, look higher" the voice said irritably.
Snape looked up to see a small red squirrel staring down at him, a large round nut held in its claws.
"A talking squirrel, oh yes that's much more believable. Who are you?" Snape asked.
"Uh lets just say … I'm your conscience" The squirrel replied.
"No really?" Snape said.
The squirrel rolled its eyes, "Your drunk you idiot, do you really think I'm talking? In reality your actually standing there stroking a very scared looking woodland creature, while that old man over there in the corset and red tights stares at you"
"Right …"
"Well anyway, lets get straight to the point" The squirrel said, placing his nut on the branch and sitting on it. "Do you like her?"
"How did you even-?"
"Come on man you've just stumbled out of a party drunk out of your mind and you're wandering around hopelessly asking yourself what to do. There has to be a girl" the squirrel replied matter-of-factly.
"Right …"
"So … do you like her?"
"Well of course I do. I love her. But we've been together before and it didn't work out. I don't even know if she still feels the same way about me" he snorted to himself, "Well of course she doesn't. She's with Voldemort" he hung his head droopily and sighed.
"Well … why don't you just tell her? I'm sure she'd appreciate it," the squirrel suggested.
"No I don't think that would work"
"Well why not?"
"What do you even care … you're a squirrel"
"Oh well if you're gonna hold that against me" the squirrel joked.
A twig suddenly cracked behind them. "Who's there?" Snape called behind.
A figure advanced from amongst the shadows and stood before Snape, her hands on her hips, "Don't touch that squirrels nuts" she smirked.
"Bellatrix" Snape said, standing up, at once, "Wha-What are you doing here?"
"I saw you go out," she said, moving forwards.
"Well why are you here? Why aren't you with Voldemort?"
"Voldemort?" she laughed, "Oh I think he has … ah … other plans tonight"
"What do you mean?" Snape asked, confused.
Bellatrix pointed through one of the large windows that led to the main hall. Snape could distinctly see Voldemort and Augusta Longbottom dancing together on one of the small candlelit tables.
Snape stared at them in horror as the whole truth of the evening struck him in one big sweep of terror. Bellatrix laughed.
"You know. I have to admit" Bellatrix said timidly, "I was … uh … watching you this evening"
Snape shifted uncomfortably, "Really?"
Bellatrix swallowed as she moved a little closer, taking one of Snape's large hands in her own, "Yeah … great performance"
Snape laughed "Uh … thanks" he said awkwardly, very aware of the fact that Bellatrix was moving her face closer to his every second. "Well then … I have to admit something to you too" he said, breathing heavily as Bellatrix' lips neared his own.
"What?" she asked.
"I watched you too"
Bellatrix smiled, "Oh Severus" she whispered.
Snape grabbed her back, pulled her close and kissed her softly on the lips. Bellatrix moaned in pleasure. They stood their holding each other for a few moments until Bellatrix stumbled away, smiling as she gasped for breath.
"Well … that was … interesting"
Snape smiled, "I'm glad you approve"
Bellatrix reached for his hand and squeezed it softly. They stared at each other for a moment until …
"Oh Snape! I found you! Oh I missed you" Neville squealed as he spotted his beloved potions master and ran towards him, arms outstretched. "Come on Sevvie Pooh! Give me a kiss!"
"Oh shit!" Snape muttered, taking Bellatrix by the hand and they giggled as they darted down the garden away from Neville's terrifying embrace.
"I hope you had a good time" Narcissa Malfoy smiled, escorting her drunken guests outside.
"Oh yes it was wonderful" Tonks muttered sarcastically as she pulled on her cloak.
"I know just what you mean," Molly said, looking tired.
"Actually I had a great time!" Arthur smiled.
"You can't be serious"? Molly asked.
"No I actually really enjoyed myself" Arthur smiled while Molly looked indifferent.
As they left the hall they stumbled upon Ginny, Pansy and Blaise. A large pile of cherries sat before them. Each of them looked as if they were going to be sick.
Harry and Draco trudged droopily downstairs, Harry wearing a large pair of baggy jeans and an old shirt, Draco trying his best to avoid touching his boyfriend.
"Hello Harry" Arthur said pleasantly.
Harry merely grunted and plodded out of the house.
"Where are Ron and Hermione?" Lupin asked. He looked around to see a few house elves trying to gather the two unconscious friends from the marble floor.
"So are you telling me that me and Remus are the only ones who actually had a good time tonight?"
"Well I don't know about that. They seem to be quite happy about it" Tonks smiled as Umbridge and Fudge were spotted kissing in a corner.
"Urgh" they all said together. Laughing as they all walked arm in arm out of the mansion.
Well that's it. I hope you all enjoyed it and don't forget to review.
But just in case you were wondering what the challenge was, here you are:
Must include:
Emotionally unstable Hagrid
Talking tree branch
Cross-dressing Dumbledore
Insecure Voldemort
Drunken Snape
Girly Lucius Malfoy
1 romance scene (Pair of your choice except Ron/Hermione and Ginny/Harry)
The phrase "Don't touch those squirrel's nuts!" (Taken from Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory)
A bedpan
The song "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice or "The Thong Song" by Sisqo
Must include Hermione, Harry, Ron, and Draco
There should be no original characters or Mary sues
There should be a contest of who can tie the knot in a cherry stem faster
Must include a double peppermint mocha from Starbucks
Must include a blender
A mouse named Ted
Must include Neville Longbottom scaring the crap out of Snape
Happy Valentines Day!