Disclamier: I do not own any of CSI :(

Author notes: ONESHOT - Grissom's thoughts on life without Sara, why he wants to marry her and how he is going to propose to her. Set just before she comes into the experiment tent with the bees. This is my second fanfic. Many thanks for your comments on my first one. Please feel free, infact i would very much appreciate your feedback and comments on this story.
By Becky (bex552)

Sometimes he thinks about what his life would be like without Sara. He wouldn't have shrunk back into himself when she came to Vegas. He would be the old Grissom. He would have dated women like the lab lady a few years back and he maybe would have gone to more social occasions. It wasn't Sara's fault he stopped doing those things. He would have carried on dating for fun because there would be no Sara to think about. He would have gone to more social occasions because without Sara he wouldn't prefer to stay at home and think about her than go out and have his thoughts stray from her for a second. He might have met a nice woman and got married. But then would he have? He had changed since she came into his life but not as much as he might like to think. Back then without Sara occupying every corner of his mind he was still dedicated to his work, he still didn't like distractions and he was definitely driven. But let's just pretend. Again maybe he would have met a nice woman and maybe even had a kid or two. It's hard to imagine, even without knowing Sara, a life with another woman. It would have felt wrong somehow. He would probably feel like he was destined for someone else.

He realises now that he has been burning out for the last ten years. Or maybe he was so focused on his job back then that when Sara came back into his life he got confused in how to prioritise his thoughts. How did one split their interests and attentions? Easy for some maybe but definitely not easy for him. It seemed the moment she came to Vegas his life wasn't just 'the job' anymore. It was thoughts of Sara. Cold showers and a near decade of evasion. He used to be immune to the emotions that surrounded him everyday. He could get on with his job and not get too involved. But he has stopped being immune. Every emotion emanating from every living thing seems to have seeped into his system. She made him human. He should hate her for it, but it inevitably made him love her more.

The last few months have been the most personally exhausting few months of his life. He has never felt so many emotions in such a short time span. Grissom didn't deal well with self-realization and self-reflection. It wasn't him. When he did it made him doubt himself. That's why he avoided it where ever possible. Now he realises that love is not love without a rollercoaster of doubt, guilt, happiness, selflessness and dedication. And he has always loved rollercoaster's. There is no scarier or more thrilling rollercoaster ride than the one he has been on with her.

He never imagined himself being a married man. It was something he had accepted. It wasn't for everyone. Most people expect a person to get married at sometime in their life, it was the norm. Grissom was never one for falling in line with other peoples expectations. People's obsession and want for love in all forms intrigued him mostly because love was never something he had to deal with. But now he understood why people wanted marriage. He always perceived marriage as possession and again a thing you go through to be like other people. He never thought of Sarah as a possession. But he wants to marry her. He wants to spend the rest of his life with her. He wants to be 'normal' he wants to be it with her. He felt at peace now. He never thought he would. He was happy and content. But he was also scared because he doesn't want to lose these feelings and her. He couldn't think of a better way to secure his future with Sara. It would prove to Sara that he will always be there for her, he will never leave her and she was the one he wanted, finally. Maybe those words should go into his vows. If he gets a chance to say any.

So here he was in his experiment tent thinking how he was going to approach Sara. He had been thinking about it for awhile now. But damn it was the most terrifying thing he would ever have to do. What if she said no? He hoped to hell she didn't and even if she did he wouldn't end it because if she did say no he knew it would be for a good reason. He loved her that much.

He wandered whether to do it traditionally but he knew that wasn't for him or for her. And his experience on hearing her previous views on marriage, he knew she wouldn't want a big deal out of it. They flowed. So he would propose with no premeditated agenda and dramatics. He would just let it flow. He liked to catch her unexpected. So that's what he would do. He would just slip in there.

Not only was this something he really wanted but marriage seemed like the most practical thing to do. At the moment they were in limbo because their relationship was now out in the open and they were awaiting the repercussions. What do they do now? For some reason it feels like something should advance between them. They already live together and the next obvious stage would be marriage. He didn't feel freaked out. He felt anxious and excited. Just hope she says yes.

Hope you enjoyed it. I would really appreciate any comments good or bad. cheers guys