Portraits at the Potter's
The sun rose faintly over the tips of the trees in the Forbidden Forest. Wind rustled their leaves to give them a hushed appearance. Small birds chirped and humans and animals alike roused groggily for a new day. The portraits of the headmaster's office were extremely drowsy. Headmaster Dippet yawned and fumbled with the cushion on his chair. Somehow, he managed to flip the chair over, conveniently on his foot, which resulted to a long string of rather flowery language.
"My word! Whilst thou shut thy mouth?" an old, Medieval headmaster complained, stretching his arms high over his head to reveal a bulging stomach.
Meanwhile the rest of the unfortunate victims of this unpleasant view groaned and covered their eyes, exclaiming, "Put it away, Wulfric!"
Phineas Nigellus was a lucky man, (no commas here) or portrait rather, did not see the obscene scene. Completely oblivious to the others, he snapped his fingers and declared, "Oh no, you didn't!"
After receiving confused and dirty looks, he reddened and mumbled something incoherently.
"Speak up, Phinny!" a particularly cheerful headmaster exclaimed.
"Muggle thing I picked up from the old house elf in my other portrait," Phineas said haughtily, waving his hands in a dismissive manner, hoping to change the subject. "Anyways –"
"Hark! Do tell!" the Medieval headmaster said gleefully, rubbing his hands excitedly.
"Er, well, I overheard the crabby elf who was mumbling as usual," Phineas repeated quickly, as if talking about his inferiors would burn a hole through his britches, "and I heard him say…."
"A house elf?" the cheerful headmaster roared, heartily laughing.
The strange conversation continued and not one headmaster noticed the newest portrait slip away. With a twinkle in his bright blue eyes, Dumbledore strode to this his portrait in the Potter's residence. Screams and crying echoed faintly as he approached his destination. As he turned the last corner, Dumbledore came face-to-face with a teary-faced little girl.
"Dumbles!" Lily wailed, waving her hands hysterically. "James stoled my llama!"
Just then, a little boy shot past Lily, a stuffed llama tucked carefully under his arm, barbarically bellowing so loud it would have made Tarzan proud. To prove his point, he began beating the llama on his clothed chest, shrieking. For some reason, Dumbledore was sure it wasn't a foreign language. Lily lunged for him and caught thin air, tumbling across the room.
Dumbledore smiled and calmly exclaimed, "James! What possessed you to steal your sister's llama?" Grinning inwardly, he nodded respectively to his friend on the opposite side of the corner. His friend's lip curled in half-disgust, half-amusement as the two siblings wrestled violently.
"Albus, please contain these cave people," Severus Snape drawled with a tiny smirk.
"But of course, Sevvie!" Dumbledore said, mockingly bowing. He turned back to the battle scene. James had attempted to pin Lily on the ground but was having little progress as Lily saw it fit to spit in his face every time he got too close, hence the llama. Her eyes bulged out from the intensity of her sputtering.
"James! Release your sister!" Dumbledore commanded sternly.
Apologetically, he jumped off Lily, looking anywhere but at Dumbledore.
"Now, what possessed you to take Lily's llama?" Dumbledore repeated, his firm gaze never wavering.
"Well, if you must know, I planned to behead the llama, dye it red with Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes' fake blood -" he paused to show off a small tube with an intricately designed bloody hand-, "hang it from the ceiling, and scatter the fluff remains in a circle below it, all in Lily's closet," James replied smartly, looking innocently at Dumbledore.
"Wha- he's lying!" Lily stammered, utterly confused. She pouted and pointed a chubby finger at her brother. "Make him tell the truth! Make him tell why he took Mary Lou-Lou!"
"Unless, of course, I knew that you'd never believe that I'd tell the truth (which was absurd in the first place) so I would end up telling no lies and still confuse you," James said smugly, quoting a swarthy character his godmother Hermione had shown him.
Lily just stared at him, thoroughly fascinated and repulsed. Dumbledore chuckled and then said, "It would be wise to give Lily her, er, Mary Lou-Lou back."
"Whatever," James said, rolling his eyes. He tossed Mary-Lou-Lou to Lily and strut arrogantly out the room. When he reached the door, he turned, stuck his tongue out, and flung a crumpled piece of paper at Lily. Alas, gravity outwitted the element of surprise and the ball of paper dropped two inches from his feet. James ran.
"Thanks Dumbles," Lily said with a watery smile.
"Skedaddle," Snape said.
Lily giggled and flounced out the room.
Sighing resignedly, Dumbledore met Snape's piercing black eyes again. His eyes lit up and he said brightly, "So, Severus, how's life at the Potter residence?"
Snape scowled, his smirk of disgust not reaching his eyes. "James! Not Pinky the Monkey! James! Not Mr. Fishy the Fish!" Snape imitated, rolling his eyes. "Really, Dumbledore, a spark of creativity would improve the days."
"Well, life's not fair," Dumbledore retorted, grinning.
"I find that hard to fit in our situation, Dumbledore, as we are both undeniably dead," Snape shot back, openly smirking.
"Ha ha ha!" Dumbledore said, emphasizing each 'ha'. "It's a joke, Sevvie."
"Please do not call me 'Sevvie,' Dumbledore. I address you with your surname, is it too hard to ask for the return?"
"You know you like it."
"I must disagree."
"Whatever, Severus. Remember what I said about choices?"
"Please, Dumbledore, I must say that -" Snape started.
"It is our choices, Sevvie, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities," Dumbledore cut in, in a wispy, prophetic tone.
Snape rolled his eyes once more and attempted to stifle a snort.
"So, how 'bout Snapy-kins?"
"I prefer the original, headmaster."
"I thought so."
"Very well."
"Anyhoo, Sevvie, I was wondering," Dumbledore began nervously, twiddling his thumbs, "What would of have happened if you had never got those memories to Harry? I mean -"
"Dumbledore, please, let's not get into this again," Snape said in a strained voice, crossing his arms hopelessly.
"But -"
"Dumbledore!"
"Fine!"
"Thank you."
"Aw, Sevvie, that's the first time you'd ever thanked me! Let's record it in your scrapbook!"
"Oh, Merlin," Snape muttered, looking away.
Dumbledore pulled out a rather bulky-looking album. "Snape's First Pair of Socks" fell out. He gazed fondly upon an exasperated Snape holding up the edges of his pants to reveal woolen, gray socks. "Snape Sees Shampoo!" fell next to it, with James shoving a green bottle of shampoo at a greasy-haired Snape. Grinning, Dumbledore added the latest entry and closed it with a small thud. He stretched and sat comfortably in his chair.
"Sherbet lemon, Sevvie?" Dumbledore asked, fingering a small candy before popping it in his mouth.
"No, thank you, Dumbledore," Snape said quickly.
"Aw, come on!" Dumbledore gave Snape puppy-dog eyes.
"Very well," Snape conceded hesitantly.
Dumbledore picked another candy and threw it at Snape's portrait. Unfortunately, Snape had been yawning when the candy buzzed into his portrait. It flew down his throat. Snape choked and spluttered gibberish.
"This is worse than that incident with Lily," Snape moaned, gently massaging his throat, eyes watering.
"Oh! You mean when she was thought the blanket was an invisibility cloak?"
"And she ended up tripping over that- what is called? Oh yes," Snape smirked and said, "My Little Thestral." He barked a grim laugh and continued, "And then rammed into the glass table, yes," Snape finished, adding, "Plus the time when she opened the door and managed to hit her head and toe. And when she sliced open the side of her foot while jumping over the sofa only to land on James' toy broomstick; and when she slipped on that potion vial while racing Potter for chocolate frogs; and," Snape paused, wincing on the current memory, "when she woke up, afraid Ginny would catch her still sleeping, so she jumps up, gets blinded by the light, and thinks the wall is a bit more to the right-"
"To slam into the wall, yes I know, Snapie-poo," Dumbledore said sighing. "Wowza, that must hurt like sh-"
"-eesh, Dumbledore, there are children in our mist," Snape cut in smoothly. "Please, headmaster, my throat is swollen from the intensity of that small but evil candy."
"Sevvie, you're such a drama queen!" Dumbledore exclaimed, slapping his thigh from a fit of laughter. "I absolutely love it when Lily comforts an angered Ginny by saying, 'Drama, mama,' Ha! She acts like a therapist! I mean, what the he-"
"-llo there Albus," Snape ended lamely, looking pointedly at their guest.
"Oi," Albus Potter said, sucking his thumb. He crawled onto the couch, curled up, and stared fixedly at the two portraits.
"Ooo! Dumbles! Look at my picture!" Lily squealed, bouncing into the room.
She shoved the picture in front of his portrait, blocking his view to Snape. Focusing on the comic book-like picture, he read aloud, "James sawd a possum. I runned. I didn't see it." A possum lay dead and two kids were drawn next to the words. He looked up to an expectant Lily. "Good job, Lily. I am very proud." Lily giggled and proceeded to jump on the sofa, chanting, "POSSUM DEAD! POSSUM DEAD!" over and over.
James buzzed into the room with his father's wand. He turned off the lights and bellowed, "LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER!" Twisting and slashing his "saber", he ran in circles around Lily, who was sobbing and clutching Mary-Lou-Lou in what seemed like a death grip.
Suddenly, the two late headmasters heard Harry's deep voice say, "JAMES! HAS HERMIONE BEEN SHOWING YOU THOSE FREAKI- I MEAN FREAKY STAR WARS SERIES AGAIN?! MERLIN!"
Dumbledore paused and then said, "Good luck."
"Thanks," Snape muttered, edging to the corner of his portrait.
He fidgeted in his chair, and then yelled over the commotion, "That's it for the day, Sevvie! See you tomorrow!"
"GOOD-BYE!" Snape yelled back.
The sound of drums and electric guitars sounded in distance. Confused, Dumbledore heard further music booming at his Hogwarts portrait. Peeking in, his mouth dropped; both house elves and portraits were partying in a confetti-filled headmaster's office.