Professor Snape as....AUSTIN POWERS!
Harry, Hermione, and Ron approached Snape's Dungeon with usual expectations. An uptight greasy-haired, beak nosed teacher, with strict rules and one who did not hesitate to show favoritism, was sure to greet them. However, when they entered they were confronted by the unforeseen. DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
The usually dreary dungeon, which even a rat would abhor to enter, was alive with color. On the cobblestones was a rainbow spiral pattern. Above on the ceiling was a revolving disco ball, shimmering with little specks of light. The walls were painted in the same fashion as the floor, and Professor Snape was no where seen.
Uneasily, the class meandered about in a state of complete awe and disbelief. Who did this? Where was the Professor? How would he react? Harry, Ron, and Hermione had no doubts as to the last one. Snape would be livid!
"I can't wait to see his face when he gets a look at this mess!" Ron said through fits of laughter.
"OH OH, OH!!! Snape will blame this on all of us!" Hermione said in a squeaky voice.
"Who cares! I just want to know who did this! And shake their hand! This is excellent work! It's worth a few detentions, and besides he can't prove it was us!" Harry was almost jumping out of his skin with excitement. His face was very red from laughing.
Just then disco music started. It echoed all through the dungeon and in the halls outside. The whole school could hear it.
In Charms: Professor Flitwick fell off his pile of books exclaiming, "What the bloody hell?! OH NO! SEVERUS NOT AGAIN!"
In Divination: Professor Trelawney accidentally tipped over her crystal ball and said, "I definitely didn't see that one coming!"
In History of Magic: Professor Binn's form suddenly blurred. When he came into focus again he was in 70's drab. "I may be dead and almost gone, but!" he said in and ecstatic tone, "But the 70's are still alive and kicking!"
In the halls: Peeves and Filch dropped their weapons and began to dance! Ms Norris's hair was suddenly rainbow and bedecked with peace signs.
In Herbology: Professor Sprout's eyes unfocused for a second, then quite suddenly she sobbed, "He's BACK!"
In Care of Magical Creatures: Hagrid shook his shaggy head back and forth, smiling slightly underneath his beard, beetle black eyes gleaming. "Well how's abou' that?" He chuckled, "I'm not the o'ly party animal 'round here!"
In Defense against the Dark Arts: Professor Lupin groaned loudly, "I may be a werewolf," he muttered under his breath, "But at least I don't go hippie every 10 years."
In Transfiguration: Professor McGonagall stopped half way through transfiguring a muggle vacuum cleaner into a wizard's broom, going very pale. "Uh oh…" She said in a quiet voice and hurried out of the classroom without another word, her hand over her mouth.
In the Headmaster's Office: Professor Dumbledore pressed a rainbow button on the bottom of his desk. Instantly his office was transformed into the Good Guy Headquarters of…
Back in Potions: The music got louder, and everything went dark. The only thing that could be seen was the disco ball. Then, they heard a somewhat familiar voice, "Yeah Baby! I'm Back!"
Suddenly a spotlight fell over Snape's desk and cauldron. A figure jumped out from the storage closet and on to the desk. He was clad in rainbow bellbottoms and no shirt exposing the tufts of soft fluffy chest hair in the shape of a heart. The hair on his head was longer then they remembered and very wild. He beamed at them flashing teeth that looked like they hadn't seen a dentist in years.
Patil and Lavender Brown looked at each other, then fainted. Malfoy started sputtering then turned on his heal and was out the door before anyone could stop him. Draco remembered what his dad had told him to do if this situation should ever arise. He must find Dr Evil (aka Lord Voldemort) straight away. Crabbe and Goyle starred, open mouthed, unable to comprehend what was happening. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were lost in laughter. None of them knew what was going on, but it sure was funny as hell.
Hermione recovered first. "Professor Snape!" she choked down more giggles, "What on earth are you doing?!"
The Professor Snape grinned wider, "Professor Snape? Who is this man? I'm AUSTIN POWERS, BABY!"
At this the entire class fell to the floor, consumed by laughter. Snape-Austin didn't seem to notice and preformed some very complicated disco moves on the desk.
Just then, Professor McGonagall burst through the dungeon doors, infuriated. "Professor SNAPE!" She screeched in exasperation, "STOP THIS NON-SENSE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"
Austin-Snape only, leaped from his desk to his cauldron, straddling it, and in a sexy voice (or at least as sexy as Snape's voice ever got) said, "You know I was going to give the class a quiz, but now I think I'll give it to you. There's only one question…" A drum roll was heard in the background and Professor McGonagall crossed her arms over her chest. The spotlight focuses on Austin-Snape and Minerva, and Snape asks very loudly, "Do I make you horny, baby?!"
Before McGonagall could answer, Austin-Snape jumped up, grabbed her around the waist and kissed her on the mouth. Minerva was too stunned to answer. Snape looked down her chest, then into her eyes, "You know, you got smashing melon's baby!"
Whether her reaction was instinctual or not, the fact remains that she brought her knee up sharply connecting painfully with Austin-Snape's groin.
While Austin-Snape, curled up in a ball on the floor, recovering his long lost pride, Minerva turned to the class, composing herself. "This class has been dismissed!" she stated in one her most severe tones ever, her lips going very thin, "Go up to your common rooms immediately!"
As they exited in fits of laughter they heard Austin-Snape say, "Ooh, I like 'em feisty!"
There was a strange popping sound in the almost completely deserted dungeon as Professor Dumbledore appeared in the fireplace. He stepped out, a warm and welcoming smile upon his face, and made his way towards Austin-Snape.
"Welcome back, Austin!" Dumbledore cried. "Are you ready for your first mission--?" Dumbledore paused, seeming to just notice Austin-Snape on the ground. "Oh, I see Minerva has come to see you." Dumbledore smiled wider, "Minerva, you'd better get out of those robes and into something more……with the times, shall we say?"
Minerva whined. "There is no way- you can't mean…NO! I refuse!" her face turned very red. It was hard to tell if she was blushing or simply furious.
Dumbledore cleared his throat, "Dr. Evil has returned. And…he is already making demands…" Dumbledore waved his wand around in a circle and an image came into focus within the window created. Minerva gasped and cringed away, "Its- Its- ITS YOU-KNOW-WHO!"
The dastardly snake like face of Lord Voldemort laughed, the window that held his face fizzled a little, "NO!" He declared putting his long pinky finger to his lips, "I'm Dr. EVIL! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm going to blow up the entire Ministry of Magic---unless you give me," dramatic pause "…..100 galleons! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
At this Austin-Snape, Minerva, and Dumbledore burst out laughing. Someone whispered something in Dr. Evil's ear and Dr. Evil said, "Oh yes, yes, right." Another dramatic pause, "1 million galleons! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You have until midnight tomorrow for Austin to bring the money to Diagon Alley. He MUST be alone. That is all, God Bless." The window that held his face frizzled one last time and disappeared.
The smiles on Austin-Snape, Minerva, and Dumbledore abruptly faded. "Well," the Headmaster said finally, "We must get this mission started if we only have until tomorrow…"
Back at the All Time Headquarters of Evil: Dr. Evil stroked a bald rat that sat on his lap, "Don't worry, Mr. Biggelsworth, we'll be wallowing in gold very soon! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He turned to the pale haired boy on his left saying, "Well done Draco, or shall I say," another dramatic pause, "Mini Me?"
***** authors' note: For those of you who don't know Mr. Biggelsworth = Wormtail and… Ok that's all for now, enough of this craziness…I need to see those movies again…THEN…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And now for the disclaimer: Harry Potter, Snape, etc. are not my characters. They belong to the great JK Rowling. Also references are made to Austin Powers and I didn't make him either.