What Will We Do With a Drunken Sano?, a rurouni kenshin fanfic

This is what happens when you've been working at Meijer for seven days straight . . . your brain goes on auto-scramble and comes up with lunacy like this! No, really, I suddenly got "Weigh Hey and Up She Rises", a traditional Irish sea/drinking song, stuck in my head today (for no reason whatsoever, might I add) and then as I usually do when I get a song stuck in my head, I started plotting. Sano is the only one who drinks enough to make this a logical fic (insofar as anything I write is logical.) This is utterly unrelated to my other Sano fics--just some random silliness. If anyone owns "Weigh Hey and Up She Rises", it's the Irish Rovers (tho I have sung a version--exhausting!). And we all know who owns RK . . . NOT ME. Enjoy.

"Not again!" Kaoru howled.

Sano winced and held his aching head. "Not so loud, jo-chan," he pleaded, gazing at her with pathetic, bloodshot eyes. "Ya want my brains to leak out my nose?"

"It won't last long if they do," Megumi observed acidly. "You must have a brain the size of a pea, to keep doing this to yourself."

"Hey, at least I enjoy myself at night, unlike a certain fox around here."

"Uggghhhhhhhh . . ." Misao said. She was in Tokyo on one of her visits to the dojo. "I don't want to hear about how you enjoy yourself at night--that's just gross!"

"I wasn't talking about that, weasel-girl! Damn, you're turning into a hentai."

"You take that back!"

"Make me!"

"Maa, maa," Kenshin murmured, seperating the two. "Sano, maybe you should go home and sleep off your hangover, de gozaro."

"Yeah, sure," Sano mumbled. "This one's so bad I don't even have an appetite."

Kaoru's mouth fell open. "Is that even possible?"

"Yeah, if you're cooking."

Kaoru was half a second too slow--the bucket she hurled clonked against the dojo door instead of the back of Sano's head.

Megumi shook her head. "This is really getting annoying.

What will we do with a drunken sailor?

ear-ly in the mornin'

It's not good for him!"

"And it's not so comfortable for the rest of us, either," Kaoru said, going to pick up the bucket.

Misao's face became positively evil. "I say he needs to be taught a lesson."

Weigh hey and up she rises

ear-ly in the mornin'

"But what'll we do?" Kaoru asked.

Kenshin, sensing that he would get sucked into it if he stayed, scurried to the backyard and his laundry tub. Around here, discretion was always the better part of valor.

Misao rubbed her hands, giggling to herself in a way that would have made one Shinomori Aoshi distinctly uneasily. "The nastiest things we can think of--while he's sleeping it off."

Little fox ears popped out of Megumi's hair. "For once, Misao, you actually have a good idea."

"Hey!"

"When is he the worst?" Kaoru said before Misao could whip out her kodachi.

"Probably early in the morning--like sunrise. You know how he stays up all night. What should we pull for our first prank?"

Megumi called out,

Shave his belly with a rusty razor

ear-ly in the mornin'

"Evil! That is evil!" the other two women squealed.

"I like it," Kaoru said.

"So do I," Misao added. "But what else?"

Weigh hey and up she rises

weigh hey and up she rises

weigh hey and up she rises,

ear-ly in the mornin'

Kaoru said, "Oooooo!

We'll put him in a longboat 'til he's sober

ear-ly in the mornin'

"What's a longboat?"

"I don't know . . ."

Weigh hey and up she rises

weigh hey and up she rises

weigh hey and up she rises,

ear-ly in the mornin'

Megumi said, "Of course, we could always

stick him in the scrubber with a hosepipe on him

ear-ly in the mornin'

"Yeah!"

Weigh hey and up she rises

weigh hey and up she rises

weigh hey and up she rises,

ear-ly in the mornin'

Misao leapt to her feet.

Put 'im in the bed with the captain's daughter

ear-ly in the mornin'

"Misao!" Kaoru exclaimed, utterly scandalized. "Anyway, we don't have a captain, so that's kind of impossible."

"We could think of something," Misao wheedled.

"No," Megumi said firmly. "This is supposed to be a punishment, remember?"

Weigh hey and up she rises

weigh hey and up she rises

weigh hey and up she rises,

ear-ly in the mornin'

"I like the razor idea," Kaoru said. "And the hosepipe."

"They're the only ones that work," Megumi said.

"Oh, all right. When should we start?"

"I can get a rusty razor--we'll do that tomorrow!"

That's what we do with a drunken sailor

ear-ly in the mornin'

Megumi knocked on the door of the dojo at sunrise the next morning. Misao answered with an excited, "Do you have it?"

"Of course I do." Megumi displayed the razor for Kaoru and Misao to ooooh and aaaaah over.

"Take care you don't nick him too much," Kaoru warned. "He could get lockjaw or something."

"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing!"

They crept along the silent streets, giggling amongst themselves. They were having the time of their lives. Sano, with his cracks about Kaoru's cooking, Misao's resemblance to a weasel, and Megumi in general, had gotten on all their nerves, and this was the perfect chance for a little harmless revenge.

When they reached his apartment complex, Kaoru and Misao stayed out front to stand guard. Megumi slid open the door just a crack and crept inside, closing it after her.

"How long do you think it'll take?" Misao whispered to Kaoru.

"I don't know," Kaoru whispered back.

For several seconds, there was utter silence. Then a shrill squeal split the morning air.

"HENTAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!"

The door whipped open and Megumi came flying out. Misao and Kaoru followed at a run as she scurried from the apartment complex and down the street.

It was several blocks before she finally slowed down, and the glitter in her eye said that it was more because she was out of breath then that her anger had faded. "That--perverted--" she ranted between pants, stomping along. "That--that--"

"But Megumi!" Misao burst out, unable to contain her raging curiousity. "What happened?"

"What did he do to you?" Kaoru added, wiggling with her own nosiness.

Megumi's eyes narrowed. "I'd done a little bit, and all of sudden I looked up and his eyes were open and--he grabbed me and--and--"

"AND?!?!?"

"He kissed me."

Misao and Kaoru gasped.

"No!"

"He didn't!"

"Oh, yes." She kicked a rock, and it sailed halfway up the street before coming to earth again. "He did."

Misao looked thoughtful. "Was it a good kiss?"

Megumi nodded before she could stop herself, and the other two girls said, "Ooooooooooooo" in concert.

"But why did you scream?" Kaoru thought to ask.

"Because then he called me Keiko!"

Misao and Kaoru said "Ooooooooooooo" again, with a significantly different inflection.

They trudged along in silence for several minutes, dismayed and disheartened by the disaster of their first prank. Finally, Misao gave the other two a sidelong look. "D'you think maybe we shouldn't--"

"Yes," Kaoru said at once.

Megumi echoed her, adding, "Who knows what he'll do next? A man drunk--well, they do strange things, and Sano's crazy enough sober."

The other two nodded.

"All right--maybe this will discourage him, anyway."

They didn't hold out much hope.

Weigh hey and up she rises

weigh hey and up she rises

weigh hey and up she rises,

ear-ly in the mornin'

Inside the apartment they'd left behind, Sano stretched his arms above his head and grinned.

He was stone-cold sober.

He had to remember to thank Kenshin for tipping him off about this little scheme--hopefully he'd taught the fox a lesson about trying to play practical jokes on him. He looked down at his belly ruefully--Megumi had managed to shave about a inch square before she'd thought to look up, and it was stinging like crazy.

Then he thought of the feel of her lips under his, plus the look on her face when he'd groaned, "Oh, Keiko," and grinnned again.

It had been worth it.

Weigh hey and up she rises

weigh hey and up she rises

weigh hey and up she rises,

ear-ly in the mornin'!