(A/N) Those of you who already are familiar with me as an author may be saying, "Why is she starting another story if she can't even find time to update 'A Bittersweet Elegy'?" Well, I decided to take the ending I was originally gonna do for ABE and made it into a totally different story since I didn't think it tied in well with ABE. I'm really excited about this story and I think everyone that reads is going to be in for an interesting conclusion. If you aren't familiar with ABE, feel free to read it, I promise I won't mind ^_^. Also, reviews are greatly appreciated.
Disclaimer: standard disclaimer applies... blah blah... I don't own anything except the plot.
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Faithless and Fallen
Chapter 1: Departure
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She could hardly believe it. The words were mere rocks among the cliff in comparison to the multitude of thoughts and anxieties currently bombarding her poor mind as she struggled to comprehend the gravity of the situation. Kenshin was leaving. Again. And he was leaving to go to war. The sense in the matter eluded her completely and she was left to only gawk in dismay as he wandered about his room gathering his belongings into a small, manila sack.
"So that's it?" she whispered tearing her gaze away from his busy figure to the lines in the polished floor. "You're leaving?"
Her words were so soft, so somber that he barely heard them against the hastle of his hands moving to organize and arrange his few belongings, but when they reached his ears with striking clarity he muted his actions in honor of a fair response to the one woman that had kept him sane in his latest times of need. Still, he hadn't the heart, the will, nor the courage to face her as he answered in detached tones she hadn't heard since his preparations against Shishio in Kyoto when he'd voiced his slight irritation at her arrival.
"I must go," he answered fingering an old, worn, navy gi between his hands before gently folding it and placing it in his sack. "It is my duty as a soldier from the Bakumatsu to protect what I fought and killed to restore, an era of piece in the Meiji." He could feel her cheeks heat in anger as she clutched her hands into fists at her sides and heard the soft stomp of her foot as she began to protest, but he silenced her before she could even start. "I thought you would have understood that better than anyone. It is my burden."
Kaoru's next retort died heavily in her throat as she forced herself to choke the words down along with her pride at his indirect admonition. Instead of arguing, she worked to hold back the flow of tears that threatened to fall past the protective barriers at the corners of her eyes. Her breath shuddered at her effort while her shoulders straightened defiantly and her jaw set forcefully into alignment.
"I'm sorry, Kaoru-dono," he offered softly, his fingers continuing to absently fold his few garnments. "I never meant for any of this to happen."
His words were enough to upset the levy she had placed upon her emotions for the moment and unable to face the situation any longer, the circumstances any longer, she did what any imperious, youthful woman would do under the same pressure: she fled.
~*~
Evening found her on the porch of the dojo, a crisp zephyr causing her to shiver involuntarily from the cold as she leaned her frame against a column and allowed her arms to wrap about herself in some semblance of warmth. Sporadic tears continued to grace down her porcelain cheeks as her tired form succumbed to the last vestiges of her pride and fought any remaining sobs from racking her body for the moment. It wasn't right, crying alone in the sun's dying light about something that was beyond her reach, something that effected someone dear to her far more than it effected herself.
But it still hurt, and as she sat leaned against her dojo's support structure, she reminded herself that she hurt just as well as he did about the situation if for different reasons. He was being forced to go against his wishful vow, she against her childish possessiveness. And while he may go on into war if only to die, she would go on in routine if only to live. Which was more painful, she dared not ask.
Her bottom lip trembled either from the weather's chill or from her exonerated emotions and she sniffled to relieve the last traces of her crying. Life would prove to be unkind in the next few days to come, but she would learn that life moved on with or without someone, or somehow she hoped. Not that she wanted to live without Kenshin. In the past few years he had shared her home with her. She had grow to trust, enjoy, and love him as her unswaggering pillar of support in any time of need whether her problem be of substance or not... and he was leaving. Tomorrow after the hush of the morning's first, few, brazen breaths he would disappear into a culture of war and destruction she had never been directly exposed to, and so she had no chance of helping him, of reaching him. And that fact alone killed her as though it were she instead leaving to find the ravages and rape of war.
Drawing her knees up, she hugged them tightly against her chest leaning her forehead into the newly provided nook. "How could I be so stupid?" she quietly asked herself as an unbidden sob tore from deep within her stomach.
"What do you mean?"
She was hardly startled when a deep, masculine voice met her rhetorical question. She'd known awhile back that Sano would soon make his daily appreance at the dojo for dinner no matter the mood the estate had recently taken and just so she didn't mind him hearing her reverie realizing she did in fact need some sort of source of comfort no matter how crass or emotionally retarded the provider.
A soft sniffle met him first before she replied, "How could I be so stupid... as to think he'd stay forever?" She raised her pleading, sapphire eyes glazed and heavy in tears to gaze inquiringly at him as he took a seat beside her.
"Ah, Jou-chan," he began rubbing a hand impulsively behind his head. "You didn't really think he'd stay 'forever' did you?"
She sniffled again rubbing at the gentle cascade of tears streaming from the corners of her eyes before shaking her head. "No, but I never thought he'd leave so soon."
"Aa," he affirmed gazing up to watch the brief outline of stars begin to shine through the dying light of day as night began to slowly settle in. "None of us did. But fate and us never were on great terms, ne?" He waited until he heard her give a soft, bittersweet chuckle before continuing, "He doesn't want to go, trust me. It's practically killing him that he has to, and you're not making it any easier on him with all of your moping about."
Her glare immediately snapped to him, his seemingly callous words obviously triggering a bellicose response in her melancholy figure.
"Woah, that's not what I mean, Jou-chan," he placated putting his hands up between them to ward off her anger. "I just mean that you have to try and look at this from Kenshin's point of view too ya know. Don't ya think he's hurting just as bad as you are? or worse even? He's the one having to go off to war. He's abandoning one of his beliefs to honor some old promise he made years ago. He might not kill anyone in the war with that sword of his, but it doesn't mean he won't see anyone else get killed or be killed himself. And while he may not value his own life he does value your happiness, and he knows well enough that if he doesn't return, it will cost you more than anyone else."
With that said, he glanced at Kaoru folding his hands nervously behind his head as a sort of cushion. When she failed to say anything, he stood.
"I ain't tryin to be mean, Jou-chan," he said shortly. "But I just think you should be there for him while ya can. He's leavin tomorrow and then there'll be no way for you reach him like you can now. Think about it." He spun slowly on his heel heading back toward the kitchen where he was sure Kenshin would be working to prepare a delicious feast as a parting gift to his friends, but before he rounded the corner and was gone from view, he decided to throw back over his shoulder, "You should also come in soon too. It's getting cold out and the last thing we all need is you getting sick now if ever." Then he was gone.
Kaoru sat there comtemplating Sano's words for ten minutes before reality snapped back at her through the bitter gust of a strong breeze grabbing at the folds of her kimono. The tears had stopped and her mouth was set in its stern line, her entire body stiff with realization, but her eyes shown with a certain clarity that softened her entire posture as she slowly rose from her crouch against the dojo's column and began to steadily walk toward the sweet smells of dinner.
~*~
Dinner had been a quiet affair rounded only with minimal conversation usually between Sano and Yahiko and an occasional remark from Kenshin. The food had been delicious and well prepared, but Kaoru could hardly taste it as her thoughts wandered away from their small gathering to more imperative thoughts of war and Kenshin. When the table had been cleared and the dishes cleaned, he turned to her with a calm, kind smile she had seen numerous times before and her heart withered. That smile had been a commodity the past few years which she had enjoyed and selfishly taken for granted. After tomorrow, she might never see it again.
Silently, she followed him back to his room as he began to continue his packing by gathering odds and ends. She watched, mesmerized by his simple movements until she found them almost drowsy in her mind. Still he worked slowly, methodically taking great care and deliberation in his every movement knowing fully well that she stood watching in the doorway.
"Do you need any help?" she finally asked, her voice soft and uncertain in the room's quiet atmosphere.
He shook his head while carefully folding the corners of his sack together to make a secure knot. "No, I'm finished."
The statement brought unbidden tears to her eyes as she felt her throat convulse at the absolution in his words, but she cast them aside as best she could and stepped into his room heading for the small trunk he had used the past few years to contain his belongings. A small, violet scarf worn with age to a dark blue lay neatly folded on its top seemingly ignored. She reached for it and held it dearly between her hands kneading the fabric gently with her fingers and trying desperately to disregard the faded, crimson patches that littered a single corner.
"You forgot this," she whispered to him turning to extend the scarf toward him. "Or did you not want to bring it?"
His back straightened as he stood and he carefully walked over to her, treating the cloth with religious value as he gathered it in his hands and pulled it to his chest.
"No, I'm bringing it," he said softly, turning his back to her as he went to pack it with his other things.
She watched him hesitantly trying to place the scarf within her multitude of memories but failing to recognize it anywhere. "When did you get that scarf?" she finally risked glancing between his profile and the blue cloth gripped tightly in his hands.
When he ignored her question opting instead to inspect the cloth in his hands further, she became a bit anxious. Her worry grew even more fearful when moments later his attention had diverted to the single, stained corner and his fingers began to stroke the worn splotches.
"Did Hiko-san give it to you while you trained?" she ventured, a curious hint edging her voice. "Or did you pick it up sometime during your wandering?"
"Iie."
"Huh?" The response wasn't one of surprise rather one of interest as he continued to caress the cloth and slowly turned to face her though his eyes never raised to meet her own inquisitive stare.
"Iie," he repeated. "I didn't get it from Hiko-sensei, nor while I was wandering." He turned once more until only his back faced her, the severity of the action creating a greater impact to his next words. "It's from my wife."
"Oh." She looked away, tears forming once more at her eyes and threatening to make a path down her cheeks. It chilled her to think that it may have been her blood on the scarf.
"Why are you going?" The question left her lips before she had even the slightest chance of restraining it and in that instant she wished she could take it back.
His shoulders slumped further into his back as he sighed and made to turned to her, his voice soft, willing her to understand, "Kaoru..."
"No!" she burst, her emotions no longer obeying her will for composure. "I don't want to hear it again! I don't care about your stupid promise! You shouldn't have to go, you don't HAVE to go!" A sob broke her speech and she paused to regain her voice, her tone mellowing with her emotions. "Why are you leaving me again?"
"Because it is my duty." He spoke softly, willing her to understand. "You know that."
Another sob wracked her body as a wry smile twitched at the corners of her mouth. "I know, but I don't care. I feel as though you may as well kill me before you go because I can't bear to see you leave again."
"Don't say that," he said ina a slightly reprimanding voice. "Your life will go on with or without me. You know that."
"No it won't." She sobered, her eyes red from tears, and she stared at the floor. "I'm not as strong as you are Kenshin," she whispered just loud enough for him to hear. "I can't bear the thought of sending you off to war. I dread that you'll never come back."
"I will..." he tried to argue, but she cut him off.
"And if you never come back," she paused, her eyes finally raising to meet his. "Then I may as well have killed you myself. And I could never live with myself if that were true."
"Kaoru please," he said, closing his eyes and turning his head away to avoid her pleading stare. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"Of course I do!" she bit out vehemently. "It would be just like with Tomoe-san. Do you think..."
"No... you don't know, Kaoru."
The loss of the honorific in her name and the harsh authority in his voice caused her to cease her response either from fear, respect, or pure shock as he angrily threw the scarf down on his folded futon and turned to look her squarely in the face.
"You're too young to know, too naive. There is no way you could know!" he shouted, his voice raising along with his temper.
"Kenshin," she sobbed. "Why can't you understand..."
"It's you who doesn't understand, Kaoru-dono." His voice had lowered to its usual forced politeness once more as he nervously shifted from foot to foot. When he spoke again, the underlying pain in his voice was all too evident to her focused, sensitive ears. "And I pray that you'll never understand. The sort of pain you're speaking about has nothing to do with emotional pain, that it does not. And you could never understand that kind of pain no matter what happened to you. I am leaving tomorrow, and I know you wish I could stay and it hurts you that I'm leaving, but that isn't the same sort of pain..."
"Kenshin..." she tried to make him stop, but he refused.
"I killed her, Kaoru," he broke out, his voice quivering with suppressed emotion. "Tomoe is dead, and I'm the one who killed her..."
"I know, Kenshin, I know," she whispered falling helplessly to her knees as her body continued to convulse with rendering sobs.
"No," he stated with harsh finality. "You don't know, Kaoru. The pain you speak of is one you will never know. Be glad of that."
The sound of her quiet weeping brought him forward tentatively to kneel beside her. Gentle arms carefully pulled her into his strong embrace and allowed her the solace of crying into his waiting shoulder.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair rubbing a comforting hand against the base of her spine. "Really, I am. I don't want to go, but I have no other choice. Just remember that I am alive, and I'll survive the war for you. But please," and he emphasized the word as a broken request, "please, don't tell me you know what it feels like to kill someone you care about, because you don't. Please understand that. I might be leaving tomorrow, but you will be able to go on living without me, that you will. Because if I die, it would not have been by your hand. Remember that."
"That's what you think," she said, her soft voice further muted by the cloth of his gi as she continued to cry into his comforting form.
He clutched her to him cursing himself for putting himself and her through this until her whimpers slowly began to dwindle in intensity and then ceased all together, synthesizing into the steady rhythm of her breath as she softly slept. He didn't enjoy having to talk down to her or to reprimand her, he thought as he shifted her limp form between his arms and lifted her as he padded down the corridor to her room. He gently laid her on her own futon and pulled the sheets securely about her diminuitive form while watching her seemingly peaceful slumber. Such innocence should never be introduced to the violence of war nor the depression of death, he decided. He prayed she would never have to kill for any reason, and he prayed he lived if only to spare her from the pain of his passing. With a gentle brush of his lips against her forehead, he left Kaoru to her dreams.
That night, Kaoru dreamed of war and death. A crimson battle painted against the glory of a decaying horizon, and in the center she saw herself kneeling before a pair of men. A bloody sword fell from a limp hand as Kenshin's body fell into her arms and another nameless man fell away from them already slain by a sword. It was a haunting image, one that would daunt her for several nights to come, and when she awoke late the next morning... Kenshin had already left.
~*~
(A/N) hmmm, a bit sappy, ne? Anyway, leave a nice little review and I'll try to make sure that the next few chapters write themselves quickly. Thanks for reading!!
Disclaimer: standard disclaimer applies... blah blah... I don't own anything except the plot.
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Faithless and Fallen
Chapter 1: Departure
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She could hardly believe it. The words were mere rocks among the cliff in comparison to the multitude of thoughts and anxieties currently bombarding her poor mind as she struggled to comprehend the gravity of the situation. Kenshin was leaving. Again. And he was leaving to go to war. The sense in the matter eluded her completely and she was left to only gawk in dismay as he wandered about his room gathering his belongings into a small, manila sack.
"So that's it?" she whispered tearing her gaze away from his busy figure to the lines in the polished floor. "You're leaving?"
Her words were so soft, so somber that he barely heard them against the hastle of his hands moving to organize and arrange his few belongings, but when they reached his ears with striking clarity he muted his actions in honor of a fair response to the one woman that had kept him sane in his latest times of need. Still, he hadn't the heart, the will, nor the courage to face her as he answered in detached tones she hadn't heard since his preparations against Shishio in Kyoto when he'd voiced his slight irritation at her arrival.
"I must go," he answered fingering an old, worn, navy gi between his hands before gently folding it and placing it in his sack. "It is my duty as a soldier from the Bakumatsu to protect what I fought and killed to restore, an era of piece in the Meiji." He could feel her cheeks heat in anger as she clutched her hands into fists at her sides and heard the soft stomp of her foot as she began to protest, but he silenced her before she could even start. "I thought you would have understood that better than anyone. It is my burden."
Kaoru's next retort died heavily in her throat as she forced herself to choke the words down along with her pride at his indirect admonition. Instead of arguing, she worked to hold back the flow of tears that threatened to fall past the protective barriers at the corners of her eyes. Her breath shuddered at her effort while her shoulders straightened defiantly and her jaw set forcefully into alignment.
"I'm sorry, Kaoru-dono," he offered softly, his fingers continuing to absently fold his few garnments. "I never meant for any of this to happen."
His words were enough to upset the levy she had placed upon her emotions for the moment and unable to face the situation any longer, the circumstances any longer, she did what any imperious, youthful woman would do under the same pressure: she fled.
~*~
Evening found her on the porch of the dojo, a crisp zephyr causing her to shiver involuntarily from the cold as she leaned her frame against a column and allowed her arms to wrap about herself in some semblance of warmth. Sporadic tears continued to grace down her porcelain cheeks as her tired form succumbed to the last vestiges of her pride and fought any remaining sobs from racking her body for the moment. It wasn't right, crying alone in the sun's dying light about something that was beyond her reach, something that effected someone dear to her far more than it effected herself.
But it still hurt, and as she sat leaned against her dojo's support structure, she reminded herself that she hurt just as well as he did about the situation if for different reasons. He was being forced to go against his wishful vow, she against her childish possessiveness. And while he may go on into war if only to die, she would go on in routine if only to live. Which was more painful, she dared not ask.
Her bottom lip trembled either from the weather's chill or from her exonerated emotions and she sniffled to relieve the last traces of her crying. Life would prove to be unkind in the next few days to come, but she would learn that life moved on with or without someone, or somehow she hoped. Not that she wanted to live without Kenshin. In the past few years he had shared her home with her. She had grow to trust, enjoy, and love him as her unswaggering pillar of support in any time of need whether her problem be of substance or not... and he was leaving. Tomorrow after the hush of the morning's first, few, brazen breaths he would disappear into a culture of war and destruction she had never been directly exposed to, and so she had no chance of helping him, of reaching him. And that fact alone killed her as though it were she instead leaving to find the ravages and rape of war.
Drawing her knees up, she hugged them tightly against her chest leaning her forehead into the newly provided nook. "How could I be so stupid?" she quietly asked herself as an unbidden sob tore from deep within her stomach.
"What do you mean?"
She was hardly startled when a deep, masculine voice met her rhetorical question. She'd known awhile back that Sano would soon make his daily appreance at the dojo for dinner no matter the mood the estate had recently taken and just so she didn't mind him hearing her reverie realizing she did in fact need some sort of source of comfort no matter how crass or emotionally retarded the provider.
A soft sniffle met him first before she replied, "How could I be so stupid... as to think he'd stay forever?" She raised her pleading, sapphire eyes glazed and heavy in tears to gaze inquiringly at him as he took a seat beside her.
"Ah, Jou-chan," he began rubbing a hand impulsively behind his head. "You didn't really think he'd stay 'forever' did you?"
She sniffled again rubbing at the gentle cascade of tears streaming from the corners of her eyes before shaking her head. "No, but I never thought he'd leave so soon."
"Aa," he affirmed gazing up to watch the brief outline of stars begin to shine through the dying light of day as night began to slowly settle in. "None of us did. But fate and us never were on great terms, ne?" He waited until he heard her give a soft, bittersweet chuckle before continuing, "He doesn't want to go, trust me. It's practically killing him that he has to, and you're not making it any easier on him with all of your moping about."
Her glare immediately snapped to him, his seemingly callous words obviously triggering a bellicose response in her melancholy figure.
"Woah, that's not what I mean, Jou-chan," he placated putting his hands up between them to ward off her anger. "I just mean that you have to try and look at this from Kenshin's point of view too ya know. Don't ya think he's hurting just as bad as you are? or worse even? He's the one having to go off to war. He's abandoning one of his beliefs to honor some old promise he made years ago. He might not kill anyone in the war with that sword of his, but it doesn't mean he won't see anyone else get killed or be killed himself. And while he may not value his own life he does value your happiness, and he knows well enough that if he doesn't return, it will cost you more than anyone else."
With that said, he glanced at Kaoru folding his hands nervously behind his head as a sort of cushion. When she failed to say anything, he stood.
"I ain't tryin to be mean, Jou-chan," he said shortly. "But I just think you should be there for him while ya can. He's leavin tomorrow and then there'll be no way for you reach him like you can now. Think about it." He spun slowly on his heel heading back toward the kitchen where he was sure Kenshin would be working to prepare a delicious feast as a parting gift to his friends, but before he rounded the corner and was gone from view, he decided to throw back over his shoulder, "You should also come in soon too. It's getting cold out and the last thing we all need is you getting sick now if ever." Then he was gone.
Kaoru sat there comtemplating Sano's words for ten minutes before reality snapped back at her through the bitter gust of a strong breeze grabbing at the folds of her kimono. The tears had stopped and her mouth was set in its stern line, her entire body stiff with realization, but her eyes shown with a certain clarity that softened her entire posture as she slowly rose from her crouch against the dojo's column and began to steadily walk toward the sweet smells of dinner.
~*~
Dinner had been a quiet affair rounded only with minimal conversation usually between Sano and Yahiko and an occasional remark from Kenshin. The food had been delicious and well prepared, but Kaoru could hardly taste it as her thoughts wandered away from their small gathering to more imperative thoughts of war and Kenshin. When the table had been cleared and the dishes cleaned, he turned to her with a calm, kind smile she had seen numerous times before and her heart withered. That smile had been a commodity the past few years which she had enjoyed and selfishly taken for granted. After tomorrow, she might never see it again.
Silently, she followed him back to his room as he began to continue his packing by gathering odds and ends. She watched, mesmerized by his simple movements until she found them almost drowsy in her mind. Still he worked slowly, methodically taking great care and deliberation in his every movement knowing fully well that she stood watching in the doorway.
"Do you need any help?" she finally asked, her voice soft and uncertain in the room's quiet atmosphere.
He shook his head while carefully folding the corners of his sack together to make a secure knot. "No, I'm finished."
The statement brought unbidden tears to her eyes as she felt her throat convulse at the absolution in his words, but she cast them aside as best she could and stepped into his room heading for the small trunk he had used the past few years to contain his belongings. A small, violet scarf worn with age to a dark blue lay neatly folded on its top seemingly ignored. She reached for it and held it dearly between her hands kneading the fabric gently with her fingers and trying desperately to disregard the faded, crimson patches that littered a single corner.
"You forgot this," she whispered to him turning to extend the scarf toward him. "Or did you not want to bring it?"
His back straightened as he stood and he carefully walked over to her, treating the cloth with religious value as he gathered it in his hands and pulled it to his chest.
"No, I'm bringing it," he said softly, turning his back to her as he went to pack it with his other things.
She watched him hesitantly trying to place the scarf within her multitude of memories but failing to recognize it anywhere. "When did you get that scarf?" she finally risked glancing between his profile and the blue cloth gripped tightly in his hands.
When he ignored her question opting instead to inspect the cloth in his hands further, she became a bit anxious. Her worry grew even more fearful when moments later his attention had diverted to the single, stained corner and his fingers began to stroke the worn splotches.
"Did Hiko-san give it to you while you trained?" she ventured, a curious hint edging her voice. "Or did you pick it up sometime during your wandering?"
"Iie."
"Huh?" The response wasn't one of surprise rather one of interest as he continued to caress the cloth and slowly turned to face her though his eyes never raised to meet her own inquisitive stare.
"Iie," he repeated. "I didn't get it from Hiko-sensei, nor while I was wandering." He turned once more until only his back faced her, the severity of the action creating a greater impact to his next words. "It's from my wife."
"Oh." She looked away, tears forming once more at her eyes and threatening to make a path down her cheeks. It chilled her to think that it may have been her blood on the scarf.
"Why are you going?" The question left her lips before she had even the slightest chance of restraining it and in that instant she wished she could take it back.
His shoulders slumped further into his back as he sighed and made to turned to her, his voice soft, willing her to understand, "Kaoru..."
"No!" she burst, her emotions no longer obeying her will for composure. "I don't want to hear it again! I don't care about your stupid promise! You shouldn't have to go, you don't HAVE to go!" A sob broke her speech and she paused to regain her voice, her tone mellowing with her emotions. "Why are you leaving me again?"
"Because it is my duty." He spoke softly, willing her to understand. "You know that."
Another sob wracked her body as a wry smile twitched at the corners of her mouth. "I know, but I don't care. I feel as though you may as well kill me before you go because I can't bear to see you leave again."
"Don't say that," he said ina a slightly reprimanding voice. "Your life will go on with or without me. You know that."
"No it won't." She sobered, her eyes red from tears, and she stared at the floor. "I'm not as strong as you are Kenshin," she whispered just loud enough for him to hear. "I can't bear the thought of sending you off to war. I dread that you'll never come back."
"I will..." he tried to argue, but she cut him off.
"And if you never come back," she paused, her eyes finally raising to meet his. "Then I may as well have killed you myself. And I could never live with myself if that were true."
"Kaoru please," he said, closing his eyes and turning his head away to avoid her pleading stare. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"Of course I do!" she bit out vehemently. "It would be just like with Tomoe-san. Do you think..."
"No... you don't know, Kaoru."
The loss of the honorific in her name and the harsh authority in his voice caused her to cease her response either from fear, respect, or pure shock as he angrily threw the scarf down on his folded futon and turned to look her squarely in the face.
"You're too young to know, too naive. There is no way you could know!" he shouted, his voice raising along with his temper.
"Kenshin," she sobbed. "Why can't you understand..."
"It's you who doesn't understand, Kaoru-dono." His voice had lowered to its usual forced politeness once more as he nervously shifted from foot to foot. When he spoke again, the underlying pain in his voice was all too evident to her focused, sensitive ears. "And I pray that you'll never understand. The sort of pain you're speaking about has nothing to do with emotional pain, that it does not. And you could never understand that kind of pain no matter what happened to you. I am leaving tomorrow, and I know you wish I could stay and it hurts you that I'm leaving, but that isn't the same sort of pain..."
"Kenshin..." she tried to make him stop, but he refused.
"I killed her, Kaoru," he broke out, his voice quivering with suppressed emotion. "Tomoe is dead, and I'm the one who killed her..."
"I know, Kenshin, I know," she whispered falling helplessly to her knees as her body continued to convulse with rendering sobs.
"No," he stated with harsh finality. "You don't know, Kaoru. The pain you speak of is one you will never know. Be glad of that."
The sound of her quiet weeping brought him forward tentatively to kneel beside her. Gentle arms carefully pulled her into his strong embrace and allowed her the solace of crying into his waiting shoulder.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair rubbing a comforting hand against the base of her spine. "Really, I am. I don't want to go, but I have no other choice. Just remember that I am alive, and I'll survive the war for you. But please," and he emphasized the word as a broken request, "please, don't tell me you know what it feels like to kill someone you care about, because you don't. Please understand that. I might be leaving tomorrow, but you will be able to go on living without me, that you will. Because if I die, it would not have been by your hand. Remember that."
"That's what you think," she said, her soft voice further muted by the cloth of his gi as she continued to cry into his comforting form.
He clutched her to him cursing himself for putting himself and her through this until her whimpers slowly began to dwindle in intensity and then ceased all together, synthesizing into the steady rhythm of her breath as she softly slept. He didn't enjoy having to talk down to her or to reprimand her, he thought as he shifted her limp form between his arms and lifted her as he padded down the corridor to her room. He gently laid her on her own futon and pulled the sheets securely about her diminuitive form while watching her seemingly peaceful slumber. Such innocence should never be introduced to the violence of war nor the depression of death, he decided. He prayed she would never have to kill for any reason, and he prayed he lived if only to spare her from the pain of his passing. With a gentle brush of his lips against her forehead, he left Kaoru to her dreams.
That night, Kaoru dreamed of war and death. A crimson battle painted against the glory of a decaying horizon, and in the center she saw herself kneeling before a pair of men. A bloody sword fell from a limp hand as Kenshin's body fell into her arms and another nameless man fell away from them already slain by a sword. It was a haunting image, one that would daunt her for several nights to come, and when she awoke late the next morning... Kenshin had already left.
~*~
(A/N) hmmm, a bit sappy, ne? Anyway, leave a nice little review and I'll try to make sure that the next few chapters write themselves quickly. Thanks for reading!!