You're Still on my Mind
A/N: Got the idea when I randomly remembered how Niles says one episode that Martin misses Hester on Christmas the most.
I think of you, Hester…
It's early morning and my wife is still asleep… when I used to think of "my wife" I only thought of you. Who else was there? You were the love of my life. I'm not big with words like our sons. They could tell you about love in many languages, in all kinds of ways. I only say 'I love you'. For me those words mean enough. Today is Christmas Day. You know how I much I love this day. I always wake up early. To be honest, I wake up early almost every day now. I'm just that old. It's not the same anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it would be different if you were still here. I'm not sure if it's fair to think like that. With my wife still asleep. She is beautiful, she loves me. I must admit I love her, too. Still, you're on my mind.
I don't know how you feel about it – would feel about it; I'm never quite sure what tense to use when I think about you – me being married again. Me being happy. I know we talked about it some nights. Neither one looking at the other, talking into the darkness as if it were all not happening. We both knew you were dying. To this day, I'm not sure what that must have been like. Knowing you would be gone. All I know is what it feels like to be left. Why do I miss you the most on Christmas Day? When I woke up this morning, you were on my mind. You often are. When I look at Frasier or Niles, I sometimes think of you. They're your sons so much more than mine. I love them so much, partly because they remind me of you. They can be so annoying. But why am I telling you this, you know it. You know your sons.
Remember when they were still so little? They tried not to believe in Santa Claus, because they thought they were so smart and knew everything. Niles would follow Frasier around scared that Santa would take his presents away if he found out that he didn't believe in him. Frasier never wanted to believe. You should see them today. They no longer care for bright lights and a dancing Santa. They keep trying to destroy mine, but Ronee – my wife – she always saves him. Niles is no longer as adamant, because David loves dancing Santa. You don't know David. It breaks my heart to think of our grandson not knowing who you are. Freddy doesn't remember you either. He was a baby when you left us. At least you got to meet him. He doesn't remember, but I do. It's important to me. I wish you could see Niles with his son – and his wife. You would have loved Daphne. She is the kind of girl you would have wanted Niles to fall in love with. Or maybe she is the kind of girl I always wanted in our family. I can no longer tell, because I'm not sure if the version I have of you in my head is the real you. Or some manufactured memory. You would know. You could probably tell me all those theories about memories, about my brain. Just like Niles and Frasier can. I don't care. I don't want to know. I cherish my memories. To me, they seem real.
Frasier has not settled down yet. I don't know why he hasn't. He always seems to pick the wrong kind of woman. I think he wants to blame you for that. I don't know enough about all those complexes and I think he's just scared. After Lilith, who can blame him? I'm so proud of Niles. Daphne is the love of his life. She is what you were to me. I look at Ronee as I think this – does she know how much you meant to me? I know she does. We don't talk about it. But she saw us together, she has to know. I hope she knows I love her, too. I don't talk too much about my feelings. You know that. I wish you could be here today. I wouldn't know how to explain Ronee if you were to show up at the door. But I would think of something. Sometimes, when the kids are not looking, I look into the sky. Sometimes I think one of the stars is you. I know how stupid that is. That's why I never tell anyone. Except for you. Ronee loves Christmas Day, too. She is a talker and she often talks my ear off, but not on Christmas Day. She knows it's a special day for me. So, yeah, she knows.
They boys would probably send me to some home if they knew I was talking to you. Well, I'm just thinking about you and they'll never know. Ronee just stirred next to me. I no longer feel guilty. I remember the first few times I've been with a woman after you. I don't want to think about that. Not on a day like today. Everything is still so quiet and peaceful. I almost don't want the day to begin. As excited as I am. Remember when you told me I was worse than our sons on Christmas? Always the first under the tree, that was me. I still remember the year when Niles was sick and he could only sleep when he was laying under the tree. He was so little and so frail. He still is in a way, even if he is a grown man. They'll always be my boys. Always small, in some way. Just like you'll always be my wife. I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. I'm too old to feel ashamed of some tears.
I feel sleepy again. This is the crux of growing old; you wake up early, but you're too weak to stay awake. It's still dark out. Everyone is still asleep. I almost wish we still had that old house. I'd sneak into Niles and Frasier's room, see if they're awake. Sometimes I still see the children they once were. I couldn't walk into their rooms nowadays, just imagine what I might see them doing… geez. They aren't children anymore, are they? I will spoil our grandson, that perfect boy who I just know will grow up to love sports. I can tell. This year I got him a baseball mitt. I can't wait to give it to him. He just turned four this year. They grow up so fast, don't they? I sigh. I miss you Hester. David calls Ronee grandma. It should be you. You should be here. It's Christmas Day and you're not here. I've spent so many Christmases without you already. I miss you every year. Maybe it's part of the joy – knowing you loved once, remembering them. Remembering you. Ronee is warm next to me, she breathes softly. Her hand finds mine as if she just knows I need to feel her, need to be loved. As my eyes drift close again, I swear I can hear our sons mumbling, grinning. Trying to find out what Santa has brought them. As I think of them, I think of you. You're there, smiling, too. It hurts for just a moment, like a needle, when I know it's not real. It's a memory, it's a fantasy. I will wake up later today and I will feel happy, because I still have a family. The one you helped me to create. So I wouldn't be alone here without you.
I still miss you. I think I miss you on Christmas Day the most. You're always on my mind, still. Always.
END