The bloody intricate patterns that crossed again and again over my wrists looked as though they were freshly carven and precariously added to the numerous amounts of scars that all ready graced my ghastly delicate wrists. Ribbons of blood pooled over the letters and designs creating a deliberate calligraphy of abstract art. Although I knew in the very deepest part of my soul that this was a masterpiece that I was creating on myown body, I also knew that at some point it would fade, like the numerous other expressions of sorrow and joy that I had painted so carefully into my flesh. The feeling in my heart as I contemplated this disastrous even that would occur to soon for my liking I pulled out her digital camera was beyond agony. I hated the damned knowledge that I couldn't complete this affliction or at least push down hard enough to have the scars stay permanently. I swiftly and silently wiped at the blood and snapped the picture before it bubbled again above my skin.
I listened anxiously for the sound of creaking stares and was relieved to here only the snoring of my little brother in the room next to mine. I looked down again at my pale excuse of a wrist and covered it up with my sleeve. The black was slowly staining again as I cursed myself for this obsession.
Wrapping up in a blanket I moved to the chair that sat in front of my computer. I looked at the time and sighed to myself. I hadn't replied in 2 hours. He was going to worry now. I looked at the chat and began to mutter under my breath as I read through the numerous IM's that he had sent me.
12:06 The KazeKagE: Akumu….
12:09 The KazeKagE: ?? I'll be back in 5 minutes
12:15 The KazeKagE: are you there?
12:19 The KazeKagE : I see you are ON! I'm not stupid You loser :P
12:23 The KazeKagE: I'll call you then….
"So that's who called." I thought to myself as I continued to read.
12:24 The KazeKagE: why didn't you answer….
12:26 The KazeKagE: It rang like a million times.. All I got was ur voicemail
12:28 The KazeKagE: U are being so stupid Akumu… call me later then…
1:10 The KazeKagE: it's been a FRICKEN hour since I got on… when are u going to reply??
1:17 The KazeKagE: I'm going to bed… reply and I'll hear it..
1:21 The KazeKagE: realllllly going now.
2:22 The KazeKagE: I can't sleep…
Against my better judgment I replied to his IM's ignoring the sinking feeling I had in the pit of my stomach
2:27 KeeperOFsound: I'm here sama.. what's the matter?
2:27 TheKazeKagE: FINALLY!! I've been waiting for your reply for like forever. WHAT have u been doing Akumu.
2:29 KeeperOFsound: I had an artistic muse thrust upon me…
2:30 TheKazeKagE: what does that mean??
2:31 KeeperOFsound: I had an urge to create…
After that last IM I sign off before he can reply. I sit for a moment before I spring from my chair and launch for my cell phone. I shut it off and breath deeply. I snuggle under my covers and look at the clock. It's 2:33 in the morning. I open my window and look outside. The moon is glowing brightly and the stars are see clearly. There isn't a single cloud in the sky to dampen the atmosphere. I sigh.
I close my eyes and picture his perfect smile. His smile with his straight perfectly white teeth, his nose a little crocked in the middle from training. His chocolate brown eyes smile at me through his hair telling me that he'll catch me no matter what. I wonder what would happen now if I were to leap from my window from this 3-story window. I question myself as I stare below at cold ground. It's littered with leaves from the near by trees and but I know what lies beneath those red and orange fabrications of nature. I blink and look at my clock. It's 3:00. I don't know how time could have escaped my reality for so long with out me even sparing a glance. I know it must have blinked but I don't remember it at all. The illusion of silence reaches my ears. I look back again. 2: 37. I blink and rub my eyes vigorously and viscously.
My mind is contemplating the impossible to decide all the while changing time and blurring my vision. "God damn it." I murmur to myself and I peer over the side of the house. The slight wind is comforting to my unstable heart and heated forehead. I climb onto the roof and stare at the moon. The stars around it faint compared to the glowing mass. Tainted and confused I continue to think about the possibility if him catching me. I confuse myself in a way in which only my self could ever try to understand. He is half way across the world, as I very well know and am reminded cruelly every day I wake up to find him not next door. I know his strengths and weaknesses. I know how strong he is but I also know that I should never question his decisions because although I will never approve of them I strangely cannot ever deny him. No matter what he asks of me or what it is he wants me to do I cannot refuse him. I hate, despise, and detest him for this fact.
I stare at the moon once more. Over shadowing the stars near it they will never have so much as a slight opportunity to shine brighter than it. The wind blows lightly once more. My face is more chilled and I bring my numb fingers to it. Tears silently falling from my eyes wet them. I frown in disappointment at my own weakness. Emotions I feel are things that abhor. This bitter vulnerability in myself is that I shake in disgust for. Disdain creeps into my now frigid heart. Self-mutilation, self-malice is the only things that I would prefer to bear. The tears that fall from my eyes make me shudder in utter repulsion. I breathe the chilly air deeply to remove the nausea I feel in my stomach. This helps in the most minuet way but I still taste the vile in my throat. Complete and utter spite is all I feel now.
I crawl down from the roof sliding efficiently. The task is simple enough. The temptations to jump wraps it way around my beating heart and squeezes making me freeze in my tracks and think for a moment more. "Would Kai catch me?" I ask myself as I peer at the ground pondering the decision. Making up my mind on the incoherent matter I sporadic breaths again and start for my window. I close it and then my eyes and I jump.